And sure enough, there’s someone else!

[AloneAgain2023]

I had a thread a few weeks ago about separating / divorce, decision was made at the beginning of March, mainly instigated by him. We’re still living together while I wait for my flat purchase to go through. We had been rubbing along reasonably well, a couple of blow ups, but also several conversations where I explained how I was feeling and he listened.

Last week, quite by accident (unintentionally shared entry on online calendar!) I discovered there is indeed someone else! When I confronted him, he said they met online recently, had spoken a couple of times, and were meeting for the first time that evening. Naturally I’m not sure I believe any of that!

For me personally, and I know everyone is different, but I always said I would rather know if there was someone else, to me that was preferable to him going behind my back and being sly. But he had continued to deny it, until he was backed into a corner. Although some people might say, you’re separated so he can date if he wants to, I can’t help thinking (& did tell him) ‘could you not even have waited until I moved out!!’. He knows I’m going in a few weeks, could he not have had a bit of sensitivity to hang on until then before starting with the next one! Although of course it could have been going on far longer than I know.

Now, while I am still glad it came out, I’ve found that I’m fixating on how much he may have lied, and possibly cheated, throughout our 18 years together! I’m questioning the whole time we have had together, there had been some kind of affair before we even married for which I gave him hell but ultimately stayed with him. The thought that so much of our life together could have been lies and disrespect has sent me plunging back down into a despair that I had when we first separated! Sadly, I think he’s always been someone who lies very easily.

Unfortunately we still have several more weeks to live together before I’m able to move out, but I feel incredibly low this weekend and can barely be around him. To make matters worse, I keep hearing him humming & whistling around the house! And chatting to neighbours all bright & breezy!
I realise that may sound petty, but it feels agonising to me! The fact that he can appear so dismissive of my unhappiness and so wrapped up in his shiny new relationship, hurts more than I can say.

A bit of hand holding would be very appreciated!

That stinks. Couldn't you move in with a friend or family until you move? If not, ignore as much as you can, go out when he's in the house. I know you shouldn't have to do that, but if it helps. Solidarity as I've been in that position in the past

You're well rid of him!

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand @Summerhillsquare Thank you both for your replies! I had been reasonably fine for a while now, buying things for the flat, and even just the thought of it, has kept me going and been enjoyable! But I feel like I’ve taken a few steps back this week & weekend. My self esteem & confidence has really taken a battering, which I realise is normal, but as so many people say, it is a physical pain as well as a psychological / emotional one!

There isn’t really another option in terms of living elsewhere - although I’m dog-sitting this week and staying there so that’ll help a bit. Why is it that most men jump from one relationship to another so easily? We got together after separation but before divorce from his first wife, so it isn’t really a surprise, but still!

The ease with which men lie is horrifying to me, how little respect & compassion they can have to someone they spent many years with. I’m trying to hang on to the belief that not all men are like that, but as I’m now in my mid fifties, life & Mumsnet has shown me that so many are 😔

I was stuck living with my ex-h for months too. He said he'd re-file the divorce papers as me having an affair if I went out on any dates while we were still legally married 🙄.
Of course I found out that he'd signed up for online dating immediately after we agreed to split and went straight into a long term relationship (then marriage) with the person he met.

I think he really wanted to be the person that 'won' and met someone first. Pathetic really. We'd been together 15yrs and I can only imagine how miserable I'd be if I was still stuck with him.

I’m so sorry op. After dumping my ex for cheating, I found out the last one was certainly not the first and he had lied and cheated throughout our 25 year marriage. I absolutely feel my entire marriage was a lie. At the end of the day though, it’s over and done with now - you need to pick up the pieces and move on. He may be lying and there may have been others, but he may not be, and but he’s not going to be truthful now, so no real point in dwelling on it. Enjoy your new life - it gets better!

💐 Best of luck.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 what a hypocrite! Hypocrisy must be in their DNA! My husband has always been someone who was a little secretive with phone & iPad, even had an alert that told him if his iPad had moved even slightly!! Several months ago I snooped in his office (I know!) and found a piece of paper in a drawer with my email log in details! So the privacy clearly only worked one way!

It’s such a strange set of emotions because I know it’s the right thing to separate, in some ways I should perhaps have left long ago, but when you know there’s someone else that has replaced you and is all shiny & new, it cuts deep.

@Purplecatshopaholic I think that is where I am very firmly at the moment, the horrendous wondering how much of the marriage was lies and deceit. We hadn’t been happy for quite a while, longer than I want to admit in some ways, but I wanted to have been in a marriage into old age like everyone does. That realisation that the marriage was not what a I thought it was is incredibly painful and hard to process.

I am incredibly fortunate to be in a position to buy another property and I can’t wait to get in there. Things had been pretty amicable really over the last few weeks, and he has said all along he will help me move (building furniture, setting up technology etc) which will be appreciated. But the dynamic has changed for me these last few days, and now I feel desperate to go. As everyone knows though the house buying process takes so bloody long in this country! It feels like I’ve been waiting much longer than I actually have!

It’s very hard to be the better person, when you get shat on like this. I had similar but not about an affair though -as far as I know. I wouldn’t put it past him and there have been a few possible signs past and present that I don’t dwell on.

Everyone says the best revenge is living your own life well, blah blah blah.

Ive also heard that if you catch them cheating and they are feeling guilty, you can use the guilt to your advantage, but yours doesn’t sound bothered by guilt.

So I guess all you can do is slag him off and hope one day the tables are turned. Petty I know. But indulge in a bit of petty behaviour if that’s what gets you through. But it sounds like you are well rid of him.

Just remind yourself if he needs to get a relationship so soon,then he’s going to become a cropper sooner or later as he ages and other women leave him.

Yes that stinks and it undermines everything you felt you knew and felt about the situation. I would be seething too. My ex cheated on me - I caught him as he was about to start the second affair and then it all unravelled from there. I think it's perfectly normal for you to be fixated on knowing the truth - I was. I felt like the other women knew better about what went on in my marriage than I did and I wanted to know the whole blasted truth. It hurt like hell but I wanted to know and naturally enough he wanted to minimise everything, it will be hard sharing a home till you move out - can you not go and stay with a friend or family at least for a few days?

I know how you're feeling and it's rotten. Long Relationships rarely end well and any sense of betrayal or secrecy poisons your picture of what went before. It will get better OP but in order to heal I think you do have to go thought every emotion and dark thought. And then before too long it will fade, I promise you.

@Bouledeneige your phrase ‘betrayal and secrecy poisons the picture’ is so spot on! I’ve never heard ‘poisons the picture’ before but it really captures it.

It might seem strange to some, but because things were reasonably amicable, and because he kept saying he wasn’t interested in getting involved at the moment (!), I had framed the situation as just another couple for whom it didn’t work, and weren’t we lucky to go our separate ways in a pretty civil manner. I could have moved on with things like that in my mind. But of course that isn’t strictly how it is, and now it’s shifted.

I can’t bear to think of how many times he may have got one over on me through the years. Of course he might not have, I may have blown this out of proportion a bit, but as I’ve already mentioned, he has always been someone who I think has lied very quickly & easily.

Please don't let him into your new place to help build furniture etc. Keep your new home as a sanctuary from him. It'll help to keep him out of your head.

Agree with this.

You can do all this without him - people on here will help. (Not me, I'd probably down air traffic control if I tried IT set up)

I'm so sorry. He's been an utter wankpuffin and it's sad after so long together

Try to hold on to the good things and ditch the last year or two

Onwards and upwards

@Tilllly down air traffic control & wankpuffin 😂😂@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand you’re both right about not letting him in my new place, but to be honest it will be more than useful to have him do my list of jobs 😆and in my mind I’m getting a teeny bit of payback. Plus I’ll be happy to be the calculated one for once! After that I will want to be no contact, particularly now that I know there is someone else.

I know there will continue to be ups and downs over the next year or so, but being out of the marital home will help. I loved our home & garden though, which is another part of this that’s so difficult. It was my first owned home and I loved it, but now I have my very own place to look forward to. There will be the finalising of the divorce still to come in September which I know will bring a fresh set of emotions, I just hope there are no other life dramas / traumas to deal with for a while, I feel as though it wouldn’t take much to tip my emotions at the moment.

Agree, you can build your own bed, I built an ikea bed that allegedly needed two. There were moments where my then 8 year old held something in position but I basically did it on my own.

I'd take it that he ended it with you when they'd been on a few dates but hid it because he didn't know that she wouldn't end it with him.
What a jackals. Even if he met her in April, he basically has a girlfriend by May. What a mover.

@AloneAgain2023 Yes it does cut deep when you know there's someone new. The first couple of men I met were also lying twats so it was shit knowing my ex-h had immediately found someone he wanted to marry.

I've met my DP and had 2 kids in the past 5 years. I don't question things on a daily basis anymore and there's no drama. It's infinitely better than being with my ex-h.

I meant to add this on to my last post - I can’t tell everyone how much this forum helps in these situations. Hearing other people’s experiences and being able to bang on & drone on is so, so cathartic.

Having people taking the time to respond & react with their views and / or uplifting messages is wonderful. I’ve never been someone who has had a large circle of friends (I’m quite a loner in some ways), and I often feel quite self conscious going on and on in real life, I always think people must be getting bored of my tales of woe! So to have this outlet is a real help.

Even today, I feel a bit better than I did this morning after these posts. I’m sat here on the sofa next to HIM, and I don’t feel like slinking upstairs to cry. I feel instead like stabbing him! 😂It’s very possible in a few hours my emotions will flip again, but for now A Big Thank You To All Posters 💐

Tell yourself he was lying & cheating all your time together, put it in a box & pack it away. It will be easier to move on mentally if you do.

Don't let him in your new place at all and DEFINITELY DON'T let him touch your tech. How did he get your email log in deets OP??? 🤔

You are lucky, you are able to move on and have a nice life without him. Quite a lot of women aren't in your fortuitous situation.
Imagine that poor woman who's saddled with him now! Good Luck to her, sounds like she'll need it!

Ah, you'll be fine. Just get through the next few weeks. Feel your strength grow and enjoy your new home.
Only thing to be aware of, going by so many mn posts, is that men will sense your vulnerability and try to take advantage. Especially the first few months.
No cocklodgers, OP 😃

Oh op, that way madness lies. And folks are encouraging it. The reality is he maybe meeting someone for the first time, and started on line dating, it’s not uncommon. Just accept it for what it was and stop looking for a bogey man you can never find.

@TreeLine23 regarding the email log in, I used to have a list of passwords written down and definitely not hidden, I’ve never had anything to hide. So he would have known where it was. The fact that he looked for it and wrote it down when he’s so secretive is almost comical! I meant to add though, the password had changed a couple of times since then, so it wasn’t a recent snoop!

I am very lucky to be able to move out, it comes from having an inheritance from my Mum dying a couple of years ago, and my share of the equity in the marital home (he has bought me out). If it weren’t for that, my options would be practically nil as I’m quite a low earner, and it actually scares me to think what a dark place I would be in if it weren’t for this set of circumstances. I have read so many accounts of women being stuck in horrendous situations because they can’t afford to move out, and I’m beyond thankful that I have had this option.

I’d like to think he’ll get a taste of this medicine in the future, because despite him saying he understands how I feel, I really don’t think he does 😡

@Littlethingsmeanalot you are absolutely right, and I do keep it in mind that he was actually telling the truth about the date, I have no evidence either way. Just the odd hunch about some recent Saturday nights away with a friend or to an event. Plus knowing some past form and the ease with which he lies.

It would help my peace of mind for the remaining weeks if I knew for sure that what he told me was the truth, but I can’t really know either way.

When I found out about my ex H's affair I remember sitting drawing out years on a piece of paper, writing in where we had gone to on holidays , when he had travelled for work etc and agonising and wondering when and what had been going on. It is torture but completely normal too. You review your whole life. I remember him asking me to help him choose a present for his secretary - no idea if it was for her or his secretary. There are many examples like this and even to this day 8 years after we split something will pop into my mind from time to time. The only answer to this is time. They say sometimes you should allow yourself 10 mins of this wallow then press the stop button. Your situation is so complicated though because you are sitting looking at the dick! You will never know the whole truth and really it is probably less than we imagine at our worst. I hope your new home brings you much joy. I am happier now than I ever was with my first H and it has made me realise how much I put up with. As regards the furniture, no don't let him in.

OP I just want to wish you a happy new life. Once you get into your new flat it will feel much easier I bet. Also, change your user name to FreeAgain2023! More positive.

@CandyLips thank you for your post, I know you’re right about things continuing to pop into the head, I think that will definitely happen. And it’s also possible that yes, things are less dramatic than we imagine rather than more. Who knows - most of the time only they do. I’m so glad you’re happier now, in my more positive moments I feel I will be too. I have lived alone before and loved it, so no fears on that score! @IClaudine thank you so much, and yes, a new username will apply soon! 🤗