And sure enough, there’s someone else!

[AloneAgain2023]

I had a thread a few weeks ago about separating / divorce, decision was made at the beginning of March, mainly instigated by him. We’re still living together while I wait for my flat purchase to go through. We had been rubbing along reasonably well, a couple of blow ups, but also several conversations where I explained how I was feeling and he listened.

Last week, quite by accident (unintentionally shared entry on online calendar!) I discovered there is indeed someone else! When I confronted him, he said they met online recently, had spoken a couple of times, and were meeting for the first time that evening. Naturally I’m not sure I believe any of that!

For me personally, and I know everyone is different, but I always said I would rather know if there was someone else, to me that was preferable to him going behind my back and being sly. But he had continued to deny it, until he was backed into a corner. Although some people might say, you’re separated so he can date if he wants to, I can’t help thinking (& did tell him) ‘could you not even have waited until I moved out!!’. He knows I’m going in a few weeks, could he not have had a bit of sensitivity to hang on until then before starting with the next one! Although of course it could have been going on far longer than I know.

Now, while I am still glad it came out, I’ve found that I’m fixating on how much he may have lied, and possibly cheated, throughout our 18 years together! I’m questioning the whole time we have had together, there had been some kind of affair before we even married for which I gave him hell but ultimately stayed with him. The thought that so much of our life together could have been lies and disrespect has sent me plunging back down into a despair that I had when we first separated! Sadly, I think he’s always been someone who lies very easily.

Unfortunately we still have several more weeks to live together before I’m able to move out, but I feel incredibly low this weekend and can barely be around him. To make matters worse, I keep hearing him humming & whistling around the house! And chatting to neighbours all bright & breezy!
I realise that may sound petty, but it feels agonising to me! The fact that he can appear so dismissive of my unhappiness and so wrapped up in his shiny new relationship, hurts more than I can say.

A bit of hand holding would be very appreciated!

Hello OP , I agree Mumsnet really is a special place for company and consolation for women. You asked, why is it that some men can jump from one relationship to another so easily? It's because these men in particular are emotionally immature and incapable of being on their own. Also they consider the new wife as a free service for sex, housework, shopping, meals, life administration, laundry and nanny and the list goes on. It's a really good deal for men. Not that I am cynical or resentful or anything! ;) You will be really better off without him. Take good care of yourself.

OP, if you only started seeing him after his last separation, I would focus on that and quit other thoughts.

Bizarrely, the reason men meet women soon after breakups etc is because they go in it to 'just see' what's there and that's what makes them appealing. most women go in 'looking for the next husband'.

sorry if indeed he started seeing her before you separated.

Just had a conversation with him which became heated! I asked again, rightly or wrongly, why he couldn’t at least have waited until I’d moved out before dating again. His answer? That it wasn’t dating, it was just casually looking (Tinder) and a ‘friends with benefits’ site / situation! As if that makes it better!

Maybe I shouldn’t have probed again looking for answers I’m either not going to find or not going to like. He gets so defensive and worked up and ends up sounding incredibly arrogant in his responses. The conversation turned to a situation many years ago when I discovered REALLY explicit text messages on a second phone (and I’m absolutely NOT a prude!). At the time he was incredibly and genuinely remorseful, but both then and now, maintains that he doesn’t see it as cheating! I’ve consistently said that no woman would agree with that if they’d seen those texts, his answer is just ‘well, we’ll have to agree to disagree’!! Which to me sounds arrogant and obnoxious.

That feeling that maybe I don’t know this person I’ve been with for 18 years, is really unsettling and unpleasant. I know that I shouldn’t start these conversations, as they rarely help. Although to be honest we have also had a few calm ones that actually have helped. But sometimes the need to ask questions is overwhelming. Very often I stop myself, but not always 🙄Needless to see, the evening has ended badly.

Do you have DC with this gem? If not, thank your lucky stars you never have to see him again, once your property purchase is completed! 👍🏻

@TreeLine23 No luckily no children! So it can be a complete disconnect. Still quite hard to process the whole ‘did I ever really know this person’ though after such a long time. You read these scenarios on Mumsnet all the time and make judgements from afar, but it’s really surreal when suddenly it’s your own husband being judged!

It does help that others agree with what I’m seeing and thinking - at least I know it isn’t just me overthinking, overreacting, or just plain wrong!

I've been going through something similar this year, it really does make you question whether you knew the person you were with for so long and how much value they placed on your relationship when they can just move onto someone new so quickly.

My ex left me and was with someone new after a month, or so he says anyway. He's adamant nothing happened before he ended things and I'm starting to get to the point of it not really mattering now. I could torture myself going over it but the reality is either way he wasn't happy in our relationship and I couldn't force him to be.

It does batter your confidence though, weirdly I also felt better straight after we split than when I found out he'd met someone.

Just keep counting down the days until you can move out :-)

@catinthehatonthemat Sorry you’ve been going through it too. Oddly enough, I’ve had a similar mindset to you at times. The fact that there is someone else, in whatever capacity, is irrelevant in some way. The fact is he no longer wanted to be with me, and that’s the main issue. I clearly haven’t been making him (or me) happy as things stand, so any kind of affair, although hard to process, is of no real consequence. It would have imploded at some point anyway.

Still painful and confidence-killing though!

Trust me, days are being counted! Hours too! 😆

@AloneAgain2023

Things had been pretty amicable really over the last few weeks, and he has said all along he will help me move (building furniture, setting up technology etc) which will be appreciated.

I'm not sure I'd let him have any access at all to your technology - especially after this ⬇️

Several months ago I snooped in his office (I know!) and found a piece of paper in a drawer with my email log in details! So the privacy clearly only worked one way!

Also, if you do allow him in to build furniture etc ensure you have strong unique passwords/new pin which he can't guess on your devices. Also do not give him a key, even temporarily, to your new home.

Good luck for the start of your new life. 🌹

Feeling pretty low and conflicted today & tonight 😞Despite accepting that my husband has certainly lied on occasion over the years, very possibly cheated, is probably not telling me the truth about his dating situation now, and does the oh so typical & cliched thing of getting super defensive when questioned - I am really feeling that sense of rejection & loss of what I thought we were.

It’s very odd that you can see clearly what you should be glad to lose, while at the same time feeling sad and bereaved at the loss? I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else?

It’s so difficult and painful to realise that the person who once loved and fancied you, is now willing to be deceptive and detached with seemingly no conscience whatsoever. I keep imagining if the roles were reversed, I would feel a compassion and a desire to be gentle with his feelings.

But cheating, emotionally detached men appear to have zero conscience. And watching him if we’re discussing it, it’s like looking at someone I don’t know. And that’s another hard thing to process, that thought that it IS someone I don’t know - where did my husband go, and when & how did he become someone else?

I know the advice will be, it’s pointless trying to work out all the why, & how could he etc etc. But sometimes you can’t help going down that road, and it’s agonising and frustrating and head spinning!!

I think my self confidence and self esteem is the lowest it’s ever been. Having your husband reject you, which is hard at any age, feels even worse when you get older. I’m mid fifties now, and so more wrinkles (I’m sure I look more haggard through the stress & sadness too), a few more pounds (I’m comfort eating like mad - not meals, just rubbish), and just generally thinking if I was this, that, or the other, maybe he wouldn’t have wanted to leave me. I was always a slim, relatively attractive person, but I look in the mirror these days and think aargh!!

I’m occasionally comparing myself to this new person, who I know nothing about, wondering HOW I compare. I know that this is all part of the ups & downs of separation / divorce / infidelity, and I don’t have these feelings every day all day, but when they pop up, they are all consuming.

As so many of us say, if only we could fast forward a few months when (hopefully 🤞) these feelings may be a bit more faded.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low tonight 😞

It’s very odd that you can see clearly what you should be glad to lose, while at the same time feeling sad and bereaved at the loss? I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else?

I absolutely get this, looking back my ex treated me so badly at times and I know deep down I'm going to be better off without him, yet I still mourned the end of our relationship and can't help but feel somewhat jealous and bitter that he moved on to someone else.

My confidence and self esteem has also taken a battering, particularly when I saw he'd added his new gf as his screen saver on his phone when I saw him last. Never once did he do that with me photo and just made me feel like shit, that I wasn't pretty enough, young enough, blah, blah, blah.

BUT, I'm about 7 weeks further on from you in terms of finding out he had someone new and I have started to turn a corner. I know everyone grieves and recovers at a different pace, but I'm getting there and I'm trying to get on with life without him in it. Yes it hurts to think back about the nice memories and the good times and it makes me sad I won't have that with him again, but there's also the relief that I won't have to put up with the shit side of him as well anymore.

This will pass and you will feel better, just bloody sucks until you get there so hang on in there :-)

@catinthehatonthemat thank you for your reply, and how hurtful that must have been about the screensaver! I’m pretty sure I was never my husbands screensaver either!

I’m so glad you’re slowly getting there, I know I will too, but everything you mention is true. That realisation that nothing will happen together anymore, no more experiences, or trips, or even just that sense of togetherness is completely gone.

But then you also mention how, looking back, he treated you so badly at times. I can relate to that too. God it’s such a topsy turvey set of emotions!

However much you tell yourself, that given what the relationship turned into in recent times you’re better off apart, the thought that someone new is getting all that attention & affection that YOU got for the first few years, is incredibly tormenting and hard to process.

All the luck in continuing your own moving on process!

Thank you, I can relate to everything you're feeling and it really messes with your head 😕

We'll both come out the other side and look back with a sense of relief though I'm sure but in the meantime, there are loads of us on here who can relate so lean on the support when you need it. It helps to talk it through to try and make sense of your feelings, bottling them up is definitely not the way to go!

Things had been pretty amicable really over the last few weeks, and he has said all along he will help me move (building furniture, setting up technology etc) which will be appreciated.

Don't let him into your new place or set up tech. He's been spying on you already

From experience, you need to go further to chop these emotional ties. Really, DO NOT rely on him to help you move/set up. You are still living there holding these bonds that exist only in your mind, making him moving on, more painful. You are not together, connected, obliged or really anything to do with each other any more. Stand on your own two feet from this day forward, organise who will help you that is not him, find your people, even if it's a removal company. You're still thinking of him as being part of your life, he's not. Getting him to build furniture is not payback or control over him, etc, it's just you clinging to your reliance on him and any scraps of connection. The sooner you remove all reliance on him for everything and focus back on being just you, the sooner you will start to feel better. Sorry for being harsh but it's well intended. Good luck.

This happened to both me and my sister. We were co habitting whilst going through a separation, her ex was all over tinder and mine started seeing my best friend.