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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After a bit of support I’ve done the right thing with a guy who’s messing me about

35 replies

loveacuddle1 · 28/05/2023 12:48

It’s an ex FWB. My first ever FWB since my divorce.
I thought we really liked each other. He was lovely with me, took me out and treated me well. Then it all started to get a bit meh, texts dried up, he’d reply to mine with single words etc and it felt like it was me taking all the initiative. I got the feeling he was losing interest. I talked to him about it, he said he thought we were just friends who met up on occasion. I thought it was more so we agreed to end things but remain friends. We had a few texts since then, just checking in saying hi etc.

Then he reached back out, started flirting with me, hinting at sex again and I stupidly got engaged in the conversation (via WhatsApp) but then said I would be happy to meet as a friend without benefits. He invited me for dinner last week. I was really looking forward to it but he cancelled on me at 2.30 that afternoon - said he has to work, via text. No offer to reschedule or anything.

I got so mad, told him not to text me again and that I’m fed up trying to figure out what’s what with him and that I was so disappointed how this whole thing has played out. It was an emotionally charged text exchange!

Anyway it’s now 5 days later and I couldn’t help myself but I’ve messaged him again.
I’ve explained I was really looking forward to it so was really disappointed and it seemed odd that he had to work, on that particular evening, but that even if it was the case it hilights the fact he doesn’t have time for me so it’s unfair to reach out and flirt so that needs to stop.

he hasn’t replied… I’m not surprised. But have I done the right thing here or have I completely overreacted? I think it’s clear now it’s over for good!

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 28/05/2023 12:49

I’d just steer clear, friends / FWB, sounds like you’re more invested that he is which inevitably means someone gets hurt.

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 28/05/2023 12:52

I don't think you should have sent the follow up text. I don't think he's necessarily messed you about as you were FWB as far as he knew?

I don't know about you but I know I wouldn't be able to do FWB type relationships as I get too emotionally invested. It's not anyone's problem but mine, but I know myself and couldn't do it.

HelpNeeded7 · 28/05/2023 12:52

From what you say it wasn't working with him, from your POV.

It sounds like you wanted different things.

I would try to let him go and ignore. Try to busy yourself with some hobbies. A better fit will come along.

Original poster
loveacuddle1 · 28/05/2023 12:55

Thank you
I know it’s over. I suppose I’m more interested in whether how I’ve reacted is over the top?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 28/05/2023 12:57

loveacuddle1 · 28/05/2023 12:55

Thank you
I know it’s over. I suppose I’m more interested in whether how I’ve reacted is over the top?

I don't think it was over the top.
It did show you, once and for all, that he isn't interested.
Sorry, OP.

PousseyNotMoira · 28/05/2023 12:57

There wasn’t really any point to that final text, but hopefully it made you feel better?

Now block, delete and move on with your life. Do not engage with this person again.

Original poster
loveacuddle1 · 28/05/2023 13:02

Yep, I sort of wish I hadn’t sent the second message now but it’s too late, he’s read it. It was an impulse thing

OP posts:
Hardcopy89 · 28/05/2023 13:41

You shouldn't have sent the final text. He's just not that into you. You developed feelings for him, he saw you purely as a FWB.

For your own sanity and self-respect, now and further down the line, you really ought to think twice about contacting him ever again. Let it go and move on.

BigPussyEnergy · 28/05/2023 14:52

Don’t feel bad about it. You’ve had your (for want of a less wanky word) closure now, so you can move on. FWB is hard - I’ve only tried it this year at the grand age of 49 and it’s tricky to know where the boundary is between FWB and fuck buddy, or just casual sex. You found your line. Xx

CadburyDream · 28/05/2023 14:58

Definitely shouldn't have messaged again but it's done now

KatyKopykat · 28/05/2023 15:14

Just block him.

Ryah76 · 28/05/2023 15:37

@loveacuddle1 I have been in this situation only my FWB decided to reach out via WhatsApp, suggest meeting and then promptly changed his photo on the app to him and his new girlfriend!
I've removed him- some people are just disrespectful.
Learn from this and move on

Littlethingsmeanalot · 28/05/2023 15:39

The final text is proper needy, trying to justify in the hope he will ask you out again, I’d not do that shit again, if he wanted to see you he’d have reached out.

solice84 · 28/05/2023 15:42

Almost carbon copy of a situation I've just had
I sent a very final 'all or nothing' message a few weeks ago and got no reply
I don't regret it, it gave me closure and now I know he won't pop up anymore

TheShellBeach · 28/05/2023 15:45

Years ago I did the same thing, OP.
He blocked me and I felt foolish.
About a year later he got in touch and said he'd always regretted doing that, and he asked me out.
I had to tell him that my new man and I were planning our wedding.

SamTG · 28/05/2023 15:52

It might be me, but I would describe what he thought the situation was as an FWB, and your idea of a FWB was a lot more like a relationship. Semantics I guess.

Readyplayerthr33 · 28/05/2023 15:55

If you had a FWB arrangement then why did you think it was more than that the first time around?
He hasn’t messed you about. You were FWB. You hang out, sometimes have sex, it’s fun but you don’t have any feelings.
You changed it when you decided it was more than that and had feelings.

He shouldn’t have asked you to dinner again because it is clear that you can’t handle that type of relationship, but he hasn’t messed you about. It’s a good thing he cancelled and now you need to stop messaging him.

RememberNancyDrew · 28/05/2023 16:17

I don't think he is to blame here. You agreed to a FWB, but then you wanted more. He wasn't interested.

He reached back out - probably for sex - which you preemptedly said, There will be no sex. He invited you to dinner so he wouldn't look like he was just after sex. Then he cancelled because, Why bother with a dinner? He's just looking for sex!

Delete, block, move on ...

Pinkbonbon · 28/05/2023 16:19

The thing with fwb...is that they are NOT your friend.

There might be this rare occasion when it works out that way but generally the best case scenario is an occasional quick shag that's good for you both. Anything more than that and it gets messy.

A good fwb is very hard to find.

I've found usually they think it's OK to be just fun for them but thry try to get you to develop feelings. Take the hump if you don't.
They'll blow hot and cold and change the goalposts 24/7 trying to have the upper hand. Treating it like some power play.

Lack of respect for your time and lack of respect for you Is a no no in a fwb too.

I actually don't think many men can handle fwb.
Sure, we may be more likely to start to like them but the idea that we could ever just want a bit of fun seems to completely fuck with the male ego.

I think the last text was arguably not wise but at least it let's you see where you stand. Call it a day. The point of fwb is drama free fun. This guy is neither.

Original poster
loveacuddle1 · 28/05/2023 16:44

😞
I feel like an idiot now.
I just wish I hadn’t sent that last message, it was calmly written though, unlike the previous exchanges which is why, I suppose I felt the need to do it.
I suppose you live and learn. I just hope I haven’t come across as a psycho!
At best, I suppose I can see it as closure, explaining my stance 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
solice84 · 28/05/2023 16:55

I wouldn't worry about it op
Are you even likely to ever see him again anyway ?

Chispazo · 28/05/2023 17:03

loveacuddle1 · 28/05/2023 13:02

Yep, I sort of wish I hadn’t sent the second message now but it’s too late, he’s read it. It was an impulse thing

Don't be embarrassed. You were authentic. You had feelings. I'll be shot down dead for saying this but fwb rarely works because at least one person has feelings and that's what drives it. Your confusion is your inner barometer telling you that you need to ask for more not less from the start next time. X

Original poster
loveacuddle1 · 28/05/2023 17:08

solice84 · 28/05/2023 16:55

I wouldn't worry about it op
Are you even likely to ever see him again anyway ?

Yes, unfortunately I am.
Our sons are in the same brass band, they aren’t friends or anything though. But I will undoubtedly bump into him on occasion.
I deleted his number but unfortunately was able to find him again on WhatsApp as he’s on the band group chat 😩

OP posts:
solice84 · 28/05/2023 17:18

Ah I deleted the guy I was seeing so many times I think I ended up memorising his number 😂

Readyplayerthr33 · 28/05/2023 19:46

Well, that was a bad choice for a FWB when you actually wanted a relationship. He is a parent in your son’s band?
Stat away from parent’s in anything your kids do. It just ends up coming back and making their activities more difficult.

And maybe be clear on what a FWB is next time you want to start something up. It is not a relationship and it sounds like you wanted it to be.