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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel guilty for DH bad behaviour

39 replies

BrenePurple · 28/05/2023 12:34

Hi, can anyone tell me why I feel this way? He can be an absolute bastard, making me feel awful, ignoring me, then ruining yet another bank holiday - we had plans this weekend which never happened due to him just being moody. Then when I now decide to hold boundaries and be firm, he starts with the sadness and martyrdom. Which makes me feel bad and the cycle repeats, I listen, cave in and be supportive/ lose my boundaries until he decides to be difficult again.

Its so draining as I currently feel like a terrible partner when the reality is his behaviour is totally unreasonable and abusive. In terms of behaviour, I’ve had a difficult stressful week with family, I explained this, apologised if I was quiet. I got no empathy, just told I’m making everything difficult in the house. Then when I try to behave, make things civil, I still get scolded, ignored. I snap and say ok let’s stop this, he then becomes nice today, tidying, helping and sighing, looking sad. I then look like the bitch! I feel it too, like telling myself he’s not that bad, you need to be nicer, he doesn’t deserve you being like this. That feels like such a dump but I can’t talk anymore to anyone as they have told me to leave. I just feel bad, and scared of being on my own.

Please help! Sorry for my bad language.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 12:45

You feel this way because you're in an abusive relationship.

That's the crux of it. You're being abused and part of that abuse is keeping you in a cycle of anxiety, confusion and self doubt.

Do you live together? Do you have children?

You cannot stay with this man and be happy or healthy. It's impossible.

Rafferty10 · 28/05/2023 12:56

Why stay?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 13:00

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Being on your own without him in your day to day life would be far less scary in the long run than remaining with him. Has he made you think you could not manage on your own?.

He will continue to destroy you from the inside out if you remain with him. You have a choice here re this man.

It’s not easy to leave but it’s a damn sight harder to stay.

When he is out of the house would you be able to contact Women’s Aid?.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2023 13:01

Why are you scared of being on your own? It’ll be much less lonely than being in such an unhappy relationship with someone so nasty and manipulative. If everyone’s telling you to leave maybe listen to them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 13:01

What he is showing is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Original poster
BrenePurple · 28/05/2023 13:11

I’m feeling flooded and just keep crying today. Yes we have children, older teens. They exhibit his behaviours now too particularly DD who idolises him, she hates me. I’m made out to be awful TO HIM, they fail to see me.

It is the sadness that he shows, and those sighs. I feel like a terrible person, that if I leave, he’ll be broken as much as me. But I am desperately unhappy in this marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrenePurple · 28/05/2023 13:13

I just feel incredibly guilty and awful, almost suicidal today but I won’t. I just feel I’ve stayed too long that I have lost myself completely. Financially I would have nothing, he’d probably convince children that I ruined their lives which I have effectively done staying with him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 13:16

He has abused you and in turn your children who are profoundly affected by seeing you as their mother being abused. You cannot protect them, let alone your own self, by you all living under the same roof. Your daughter cannot afford to be either the abuser or the abused in any future relationship she goes into have as an adult.

He will not be broken if you leave him, why would you at all think this?. Is this what he has told you?.

what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Dry your eyes and find your inner strength here and use that to get you and your kids away from him. He cares not an iota for his children either, they are being harmed here.

Original poster
BrenePurple · 28/05/2023 13:17

But then again, if both him and children think I’m awful maybe it is ME! After all, I shout back, he pushes and with his silent treatment, rolling eyes, if I react then I’m the problem? So maybe it is me after all, I’m not even sure why I have written and posted this, it sounds like self absorbed shit. What’s the point. Sorry everyone.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 28/05/2023 13:19

You feel guilty because you're being emotionally abused. It's literally designed to make you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong.

I would encourage you to speak to women's aid. It's never too late to leave, and there is always a way out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 13:20

It is not too late for your children, they have been abused by their dad and they will need professional support to overcome this. This is all on their dad, they do not realise they’ve been thoroughly manipulated by him.

It is only too late for you to leave when you are deceased!. How old are you now?.. Make this year the year you finally leave this man. It’s not easy to leave and he being abusive will be obstructive, but you will be free of him. You are entitled to a financial settlement, a good solicitor is invaluable here.

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 13:24

Its not you. You are an abused woman, none of what you have written here is at all self absorbed or shit. That is his thoughts getting into your head.

He is abusive and in turn your dc have been manipulated by him too into believing you are the problem.

Please read the responses and believe us. Your husband is abusive and you cannot believe a single world that he utters. He wants you downtrodden and trapped because that makes his own pathetic and inadequate self feel better.

CatastrophicCat · 28/05/2023 13:34

I can hear how defeated you feel OP, and it's no wonder, being emotionally abused is utterly draining and it's difficult to find the strength to fight. But the best way to begin to help yourself doesn't actually require much energy or fight at all, you just need to quietly start empowering yourself by learning about how abuse works. Knowledge really is power in this situation because when you understand how abuse works it ceases to have the same effect, you see it for exactly what it is.

If you google 'Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that?' and 'free pdf' you'll find the online version of the book which contains descriptions of the various types of abuse (The Abuser Profiles) and I guarantee you will recognise your partner there, it's a real eye opener. The Freedom Programme (£15 for the online version, worth every penny) would also be a really good idea for you. These things will help you see through the fog of confusion he creates and help you see how much better your future could be without him Flowers

Original poster
BrenePurple · 28/05/2023 13:35

@AttilaTheMeerkat I am listening. It’s hard as he really has got into my head and made me out to be the monster. Even now he is lying on the couch sighing and told the children he’s not up for going to the cinema as he didn’t sleep much last night. Intomating that it is me. The forlorn look is making me feel so bad. I don’t have a history of this but my first boyfriend was abusive. My parents ok, his who are now dead, weren’t. My head is all over the place.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrenePurple · 28/05/2023 13:36

Thank you for hearing my words everybody. I should have said that earlier when I replied.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 13:51

Your boundaries here, already skewed by a past abusive boyfriend, are being further got at and or otherwise eroded by your now husband.

Would your kids go to the cinema with you?. Leave him to his miseries if he does not want to go to the cinema.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 13:53

His forlorn look is deliberately designed to make you feel bad. He wants to make you feel bad in order to make his own self feel better.

His parents also are another red flag re him. Like father, like son.

Ickthyosaur · 28/05/2023 18:26

Google “reactive abuse” and definitely read “Why does he do that?” as recommended above. It’s an eye-opening read that has just provided me with the final nail in the coffin of my own marriage…

IsThePopeCatholic · 28/05/2023 18:37

He’s an arch-manipulator. You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s abusing your kindness and empathy. He needs to go.

Hollyppp · 28/05/2023 19:01

Your partner has turned your children against you as they have learnt from years of watching his behaviour as a role model.

definitely seek some counselling (solo) privately if you can. Don’t tell AH. You need to talk this through with a professional

Boxofsockss · 28/05/2023 19:07

He sounds like a narcissistic and controlling person. It’s a way of hun gaining control in a situation when he feels like it’s slipping away although he created the situation to begin with and would never admit to it. I hope you see your worth and leave him.

Paperbagsaremine · 28/05/2023 19:16

This really doesn't seem to be working OP, sounds like neither of you are happy.
It may not be easy to start over, it may not be quick. But that's true of so many things in life which are, nonetheless, very worthwhile. It just means that more planning and preparation is involved - not that you should stay miserable forever.

Original poster
BrenePurple · 29/05/2023 09:49

Thank you for your replies, I went out with my youngest to a family bbq, DD stayed at home with him.

Can I ask and I’ve read about abuse and manipulative behaviour, why does he question MY behaviour and blame ME for making him the way he is?? He says he tries everything to make me happy, being a good husband and dad and I’m never satisfied. Turns on the waterworks or gets upset, he just sounds so sorrowful. I then think it’s me, it brings me totally down! I then start to work on myself and then he starts being funny, distant, just odd behaviour like he doesn’t like me working on myself.

I’m going to read your recommendations. I find his behaviour so confusing. It took a long time for those closeset to me to believe me as they think he is so nice. He isn’t violent, more martyrdom, then I get silent cold treatment which I then react to and then he shouts back, not letting me be heard. So very childish and toxic. I’m trying to take those steps to leave and make plans, but my emotions were all over the place yesterday.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 29/05/2023 10:02

I just feel incredibly guilty and awful, almost suicidal today but I won’t.

I was you last year. Extremely suicidal, then I managed to "pull myself together " and think about contacting the GP for antidepressants instead. Then I realised that I didn't want to die, I just wanted it to stop. "It" was him/marriage and that's when I started reading up on how to leave.

I needed to leave my marriage and I had two choices. Divorce and live, or a coffin. I am choosing life, despite knowing one DD probably won't speak to me again. I've been married 31 years, have multiple health problems and cannot work but I'm mentally in a better place despite still living with him. Make those plans Flowers

Todayiamkitty · 29/05/2023 10:13

The turning everything on you is projection.

This is a classic abuse cycle. Gaslighting, projection, hoovering, threatening - all types of manipulation.

It takes time to identify it, and break the trauma bonds, and then heal. It is hard work, believe me, but it is so worth it.

There are lots of resources out there. Just Google narcissistic abuse (it is just abuse, but the label will help you find stuff).

Most Importantly, get a therapist. Please. They know the pattern, and can guide you are the right speed. Friends are important, but a therapist will get you there much quicker.