I feel guilty for DH bad behaviour

[BrenePurple]

Hi, can anyone tell me why I feel this way? He can be an absolute bastard, making me feel awful, ignoring me, then ruining yet another bank holiday - we had plans this weekend which never happened due to him just being moody. Then when I now decide to hold boundaries and be firm, he starts with the sadness and martyrdom. Which makes me feel bad and the cycle repeats, I listen, cave in and be supportive/ lose my boundaries until he decides to be difficult again.

Its so draining as I currently feel like a terrible partner when the reality is his behaviour is totally unreasonable and abusive. In terms of behaviour, I’ve had a difficult stressful week with family, I explained this, apologised if I was quiet. I got no empathy, just told I’m making everything difficult in the house. Then when I try to behave, make things civil, I still get scolded, ignored. I snap and say ok let’s stop this, he then becomes nice today, tidying, helping and sighing, looking sad. I then look like the bitch! I feel it too, like telling myself he’s not that bad, you need to be nicer, he doesn’t deserve you being like this. That feels like such a dump but I can’t talk anymore to anyone as they have told me to leave. I just feel bad, and scared of being on my own.

Please help! Sorry for my bad language.

I also had a choice. Stay and die a slow death, or leave and breath again.

I'm still healing, still have bad days, but I can breath and be me. And my children (older teens) are absolutely fine. Flying in fact.

Bad days - samaritans. Seriously, they are amazing. They have an email too.

Find your safe space, and safe friends who understand.

Thank you everyone. I really can’t live like this any longer with him in this marriage. He started talking, being nice to me when I was in the garden earlier today, sunbathing. Brought out drink and lunch, he was playing football and joking with the youngest. I said you didn’t have to make my lunch, I’m more than capable but he ignored, said he wanted to, it’s me that’s being moody, he then made dinner tonight. Then he went to bed about 8.30pm, separate room, no goodnight to any of us just off to bed he went. His bedtime get earlier and he sleeps so much. Such odd behaviour.

I’m glad I posted on here as I keep feeling like I’m going mad. I think he is too, his fluctuating moods I can no longer cope with.

@Pixiedust1234 @Todayiamkitty I want to be free and breathe too. I’m frightened of the tough days when I finally leap into separation. He will punish me I have no doubt.

He's manipulating you and you know it. He ignores and berates you (abusive) then drives you to snap. Then he reverses the victim and offender making you doubt yourself and diminishing your self esteem.

Abusive. Manipulative. Nasty. Underhand.

Chuck him.

Also look up reactive abuse. He wants you to snap and shout back etc because then he gets to act the victim - pushing your kids closer to him. Making everyone think he's the wounded good guy and you the evil bitch.

When you work on yourself he stops you. Because if you become happier and confident and lovely people might take YOUR side and not see him as the centre of attention, the good abused man, the sorrowful victim who needs to be loved and tiptoed around out of sympathy.

Through his sad man routine he has you, his children, even your friends for a long time dancing to his tune aka his wants, his needs, his hidden secret demands.

He might not even realise he's doing it. But he is.

You asked why he does it.

Do you all do what he wants? Kowtow and try and make him happy, cheer him up, boost his spirits?

That's why

Have you read this thread:

Is it him, me or just incompatibility? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4808955-is-it-him-me-or-just-incompatibility

It will be tough. He will punish you. You will feel almost broken for sure. And that will be whether you stay or leave but only one has a happy ending. Please choose you. You are worth it ❤

Btw, I'm in still with mine so I do get it but paperwork has been collected. Rightmove looked at most days to see what's out there. Interview with one solicitor this week, CAB next week. My next level of hell will be starting soon but I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I'm free. Keep posting here.

@BrenePurple @Pixiedust1234 please don't panic. Yes, it is tough, yes it hurts, but every day is another step forward. Once you can see it, there is no going back.

It took me a year before I submitted my divorce application, and a further two months before he left the house. Then a further four months before I truly felt safe. But every day felt like a step.

Close friends and a good therapist.

I’m definitely broken. He has notched up his nastiness today. I don’t feel guilt now but I feel scared, tired, and worn out by his behaviour.

I am grateful to your replies, thank you. This is a really stressful situation. I can only communicate by text to him, when I try to talk to him I get sighs and gaslighted. Today he stayed in bed till lunchtime, said it was due to insomnia (I am an insomnia and I’ve heard him snoring quite deeply through the night).

Then just now he has come down, screamed that it’s me that is spiteful, horrible and that HE is done. He’s gone off in a huff, saying he’s going shopping and saying he is only buying stuff for the BBQ he is only doing for him and the children.

although the sun is out, I’m trying to tidy and get my stuff ready for the week whilst dealing with an angry man baby. I really wish he would just move out but even though he says these awful things, I know he will make me feel incredibly uncomfortable by staying in the home now. I hate him for this.

Keep going. Keep grey rocking. You are taking control here, even if you don't fel it yet. Just hold your nerve.

This time last year, i was where you are now. Now I'm lying in the garden, he's gone, I've not heard from him in weeks. Just stay strong, and keep watching and learning.

Thanks @Todayiamkitty it is so hard going grey rock when he tries to manipulate, really hard but I am pleased to read your outcome. It gives me a little hope.

I decided to forget all the tidying as I was very stressed out after his outburst. I went out with a friend for a coffee and long walk.

I’ve come home and he’s already gone to bed! Can hear his comedy shows blaring in the spare room. I’m sure he’s doing this to make himself look like a martyr to the children, he did his bbq and I can only imagine the way he’s made me out to be an awful mum! I’ve only had brief monosyllabic motions about the next week through the door. I’ve had a light snack as I feel anxious and low level upset at being isolated in our home. After todays angry outburst and now the monosyllabic behaviour, my guilt levels are low at least. I just feel exasperated and tired with all this. Sorry to go on, I can’t help feeling this way.

Don't apologise. It's hell, I know. Honestly though, can you get a therapist? Mine has been worth every penny. She's helped me to see patterns that I just couldn't spot on my own.

Where you are now - you are taking control. Imagine the power is with you, and you are simply not going to give it back to him. Keep grey rocking, don't show any weakness to him, save that for your friends. When he realises he is not going to get a reaction from you, and none of the manipulation is working, he won't be able to feed from you.

Thanks, I’m seeing a therapist. They’re great but outside of sessions I’m just feeling drained and low with this, I hate the feeling of loneliness and isolation in this marriage.