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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel bored in my relationship...

46 replies

Sjxo92 · 27/05/2023 19:29

20 years between us. I'm 30. Been together 2 years. He's such a nice bloke. We fell quite quickly. But my god. He never wants to do anything. When my children sleep out I like to make the most of the 24 hours I get free but he wants me to go to his and sit watching TV in the dark all day. I've found myself going round there later and later and keeping myself busy in the day to make the most of my free time. Sometimes I get him out but it takes a while... Think we've gone out for dinner four times in two years. Im going to a wedding next week on my own because he didn't want to come with me. Some days I'm looking at him so in love cuddled in his arms. Other times I'm just like.... Wow... I'm pretty bored. And I feel so bad for thinking it !!!. Anyone else been through this in a relationship lol???

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 27/05/2023 20:43

So he's 50, yes? You're just starting to get some freedom from your kids staying out. This is not the man for you. He's only going to get worse, while you are in your prime. It's madness.

ThePinkQualityStreet · 27/05/2023 20:44

Why is it you’re with him?

PimpMyFridge · 27/05/2023 20:46

This is as good as it gets, you're in the honeymoon stage... You won't change him and when you're not gazing at him through fresh love spectacles you'll be even more bored.

underneaththeash · 27/05/2023 20:53

We obviously, he’s far too old for you. He’s going to be 70 when you’re 50!

Sjxo92 · 27/05/2023 21:00

Yes, he's 50. We got on extremely well. We speak about everything and have a laugh together. But part of me thinks this is this it lol. When we first got together I kind of just put up with being at his or mine when I had a child free night. But the last few months I have mentioned a few times that I don't want to stay in every time. I want to make the most of it as I literally get 24 hours every two weeks to myself... So recently as soon as I've dropped my children off I've been doing things in the day and going there around 5.. which he has noticed as he mentioned that I used to be there around 11am back in the day now it's night time. And I mention it's because you never want to do anything... And he replies... Well what do you want to do???.. ANYTHING lol. Anything that doesn't involve sitting inside watching a screen. I'm aware there's a big age gap. Just would love for him to actually make plans and not just me having to ask can we make plans lol. Even the wedding next week.. he mentioned today you'll be getting chatted up by the single men there. I replied you were invited as my plus 1!! But he'd rather stay in having 2 naps a day and Netflix

OP posts:
MyTruthIsOut · 27/05/2023 21:09

Survey you knew this difference in energy levels was inevitable when you started dating a guy who was 20 years older than you?!

doitwithlove · 27/05/2023 21:39

Oh my days, he is 50 not 80 he needs to liven himself up.

Why do men say "oh you'll be chatted up"'he needs to brush off the cobwebs and get a life. We have plenty of time for napping when our time is up

Sjxo92 · 27/05/2023 21:42

doitwithlove · 27/05/2023 21:39

Oh my days, he is 50 not 80 he needs to liven himself up.

Why do men say "oh you'll be chatted up"'he needs to brush off the cobwebs and get a life. We have plenty of time for napping when our time is up

Hahaha. Sorry, I did laugh at this. He naps every day after work. Sometimes twice a day on a weekend.

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 28/05/2023 09:14

Omg. He turned down the plus 1 and will nap instead.
I know he's 50 but trust me plenty of 50yo don't do that! I have 2 neighbours both of whom are late 50's.
One coaches 2 different sorts team on volunteer basis and does 2 other sports as a participant, also volunteers at local school listening to kids read (he's passionate about literature and joy of reading), he's building his own house and heavily involved in other stuff, loves dance music, in fact all music.
The other does miles of road bike riding, and loves to travel has got a new girlfriend recently and they're always out doing something.
To me that's those two people are not particularly unusual (I'm late 40's so plenty of friends that age).
He sounds nice, but I couldn't stay interested in someone who is so uninspiring in how they choose to spend their time even if they are lovely to talk to.

PermanentTemporary · 28/05/2023 09:21

Hm yes - the age gap certainly is an issue but it's more of a him thing that he won't do anything. I'm actually wondering about his health with that many naps. Either that or he's boring himself to sleep!

I do annoyingly find i get more tired than I used to at 54 and have to pace myself a bit, but not that much. Same for dh at 57 but he's having radiotherapy... we certainly do a lot.

The hidden cost of age is you do have to work a bit harder to stay fit and active. If he sits in front of Netflix for days on end he's going to lose muscle strength and cardio fitness much more quickly than you will. Tbh though this really isn't your worry to shoulder. I'm afraid id just say you want a different life and skedaddle.

EarthSight · 28/05/2023 14:54

God he's lucky isn't he?

What a prince, making an effort, taking you to nice places like that. What woman wouldn't dream of sitting in the dark only watching TV all the time? I say that as woman who enjoys watching TV with a partner and cuddling too. I don't have to be doing things all the time.

OP, as a woman who is a little older than you in my mid-30s, why on earth are you with a 50 year old man???

A fling or friends with benefits is one thing, but where do you actually expect this relationship to go? It's possible he's always been the low energy type, but if you stay longterm with him and he's like this now....what do you think he'll be like in another decade???

Well what do you want to do??

This says a lot. He's either never been more more active, or he's so bored with life or been & done most things that nothing has his interest any more. He just doesn't have that itch that you do. It just wouldn't occur to him to do anything away from his screen, and you slot nicely into his time with his screen.

I appreciate that it may sound as if he wants to compromise, but that the way he turned this question around reminds me of men who say 'Ok if you want to get married, you sort it and book it then. It's just a piece of paper to me'.

What you want OP is mutual enthusiasm, not passive agreements and someone just tagging along because they've been told to.

Your know, there are plenty of women who seem to get to their 50s and 60s and they feel raring to go, want to travel, want to feel alive and joyful. They usually come on here to complain about husbands who sound exactly like your partner, and sometimes they divorce their husbands because they're fed up of being zapped of energy with someone who is very ready for the pipe & slippers stage of their life.

You feel bad for feeling the way you do? Raise your bar. Older men would stop feeling entitled to younger women's attention if we simply stopped giving it to them.

Sjxo92 · 28/05/2023 23:11

Thank you for all your comments. I am taking them all on board. I've just quit my job ( where we worked together and how we actually met ) .. and I think as soon as I'm in my new job I don't think we will be together much longer. I want to do things. He doesn't. Seems the same boring routine everyday. He finishes work, takes a nap, video calls me for half hour.. until I get bored of the same conversation everyday I usually make my excuses to get off the phone. He comes round twice a week. I actually feel like I'm not really excited to see him anymore and I hate that I feel that way as I do love him. But I'm feeling like we want different things in life.

OP posts:
Sjxo92 · 30/05/2023 21:16

We had a conversation tonight.. over messenger after being on our routinely video call. And I mentioned we need to make more effort etc as it's the same routine every day and we need to do more. He replied saying " I knew I'd be too boring for you. I don't want to lose you". It's a hard situation as I love the man to bits and never been with someone who treats me as well as he does. But I guess it just depends if he starts making more effort or what not ?!?!

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 30/05/2023 21:28

Oh dear. He had the self awareness to know that his lifestyle wouldn't be for everyone then.
Ultimately no partner can offer you everything in life... But the less overlap in your vision of how to live, common interests, priorities etc etc the harder it is to keep the relationship alive.
Whatever your partner does not offer you, but you crave/need you will need to be able to satisfy elsewhere or suggest relationship breakdown... The gulf between you is so wide I'm finding it hard to imagine how you will be able to be the woman you are, living the life you want and still have a role for him as a significant partner.
Sad though when he offers other qualities you desire.

coldiris · 30/05/2023 21:28

While age difference definitely plays some part here, I think it's also personality to some extent. If you love him and there are no other problems, perhaps agree a compromise of some sort. Maybe go out on Saturdays, every other weekend or whatever other arrangement works for you? The alternative is to find something you are both interested in and do it together? Like signing up to some class, course? Or maybe invite friends around sometimes?

Mercedesbenz2022 · 30/05/2023 22:04

So he knows what he needs to do , and also what you want
but still he choses to stay at home and watch a tv
you need to leave him and find someone with a passion for life

SauceForTheGoose · 30/05/2023 22:09

He's not going to get his "second wind". He is much to old to be your boyfriend. Go and find someone to have fun with.

Coyoacan · 30/05/2023 22:30

I'm 70 and I would die of boredom in a relationship like that

Sjxo92 · 31/05/2023 07:25

Yeah the conversation last night didn't go how I thought it would lol. I thought we were having abit of a heart to heart... So I mentioned that we need to make more effort and do more. I also said I know you're a home body and that's okay... But can't be good sitting in the dark watching TV every day after work and all weekend.. and I also said it's gone onto his daughter who's the same. I just mentioned it can't be good for her posture, eyesight and mindset to be sat in bed Infront of the screen the whole weekend she's there.. and all he replied was " nothing like afew home trusts to make me feel better about myself "... Which I wasn't trying to cause upset. And he's ignored my message after that.. so no idea what's happening now. I'll wait to hear back from him loll

OP posts:
TheKobayashiMaru · 31/05/2023 07:31

You're simply not compatible. You want one type of life, he wants another. However lovely he is etc he clearly won't change. I mean he couldn't be arsed to go to a wedding with you, that tells you that he values his own comfort over making an effort for you.

Receiverofrage · 31/05/2023 07:37

MyTruthIsOut · 27/05/2023 21:09

Survey you knew this difference in energy levels was inevitable when you started dating a guy who was 20 years older than you?!

Jesus! I’m 50, I run hills and I’m one of the younger competitors in hill races! I do other active hobbies too, where, hold your hat lady, you might need to sit down to hear this, there are also people my age and even older.

This guy is a lazy slob, he’s probably always been a lazy slob.

50 is not fucking old, cease your prejudice that all we are good for is a sofa and re-runs of Frazier!

Dery · 31/05/2023 07:38

Although you’re in different life stages, this is nothing to do with him being 50. 50’s no age. I’ve known people in their 90s who are more energetic. He sounds incredibly boring. You’re allowed to be bored by this.

Don’t let him emotionally blackmail you with his “nothing like a few home truths” line. He sounds pretty awful, to be honest: I can’t imagine many women his age would put up with this (I’m older than him and wouldn’t be able to stand it) but he’s got the audacity to pair up with a much younger woman and still not raise his game. There’s huge entitlement there.

He’s also a poor father if he subjects his daughter to the same.

It sounds like it’s over for you. He won’t do what you need him to do. Sounds like it’s time to move on.

goldenlocks · 31/05/2023 07:42

Do not overthink this. Leave him. You do not need to explain him or indulge in a long conversation.

OCarumba · 31/05/2023 07:42

Sjxo92 · 31/05/2023 07:25

Yeah the conversation last night didn't go how I thought it would lol. I thought we were having abit of a heart to heart... So I mentioned that we need to make more effort and do more. I also said I know you're a home body and that's okay... But can't be good sitting in the dark watching TV every day after work and all weekend.. and I also said it's gone onto his daughter who's the same. I just mentioned it can't be good for her posture, eyesight and mindset to be sat in bed Infront of the screen the whole weekend she's there.. and all he replied was " nothing like afew home trusts to make me feel better about myself "... Which I wasn't trying to cause upset. And he's ignored my message after that.. so no idea what's happening now. I'll wait to hear back from him loll

His lifestyle sounds depressing.

This is honestly as good as it’s going to get. These should be the best days of your relationship, you should be having fun.

It‘s not an age thing, loads of people in their 50s, 60s, 70s and above have busy, interesting lives.

My MiL is 75 and goes walking with friends several days a week, she’s just come back from a holiday with a friend and is off on another one shortly.

goldenlocks · 31/05/2023 07:43

Agree with pp he is boring/insufferable not old.

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