How long does this misery last - 9 weeks separated

[PotsnPan]

He’s blocked me, he’s told me he no longer loves, told me he’s definitely not coming back - taken almost all of his belongings, when he picks adult DD he parks over the road. I know it’s over - yet I feel that I am stuck in a perpetual misery - when will this start to get easier?

feeling embarrassed that my marriage has failed after just 4 years (together 13), feel as though I’ve broken all my families’ hearts, missing our life together, missing his presence even though the relationship had gone toxic

when will I climb out of this? I’m on AD, counsellors etc but just feel stuck and so so very sad

You have to give yourself time to grieve the relationship and come to terms with accepting it's over, that may take some time but you're doing all the right things by seeking medical help.
I really feel for you, your life as you know it has changed and you're unable to move forward.
Firstly you need to make your self-care a priority. When that becomes a habit, you may be able to start thinking about what you want moving forward and putting things in place for your own future. That will help bridge that gap with coming to terms with the situation.
I hope things get better for you x

I've heard said that when you have had a bit of a shock- surely that is an understatement in your circumstances- it is good to get your body moving. Shake all over like a polar bear, go for quick short walks, morning and evening. Do yoga , go to the gym, whatever you like but the goal is to get your energy and emotions to move through and out of your body. Be gentle and patient and kind to yourself, every day. Give yourself time.

Thank you both. I’m trying all of these things but just feel utterly miserable and obsessively researching all kinds on the internet. DD has told me I’m making her miserable so I’m trying but I feel so scared and alone. DD also telling me that her life as she knew it is over with the breakdown of our family - just as I feel and I feel so guilty for her. So utterly beyond miserable, will this ever end? It seems to be getting worse

Just know that none of this is your fault. You were clearly invested your relationship, but it has to be a two way street for it to work. If the relationship was toxic, ultimately that would cause you so much harm in the long run. Now you have a chance to heal and find new happiness in life, whatever that may look like, although that may seem like it's a bit of a way off yet.
Don't allow your daughter's misplaced hurt make you feel guilty and responsible for this. What's happened was out of your control, how things go from now in your life will be where you can get control back.
How is the counselling going? I ask because you mentioned you're looking up all sorts of things online to help, that almost becomes a distraction from sitting with your feelings, in the search of what can help you with your feelings. I learnt previously in counselling that my problem was I always found a distraction and never acknowledged my feelings and sat with them. Is this something you have tried?
I'm sure you've tried everything, and it may seem hopeless, but one day things will just click and you'll realise that you've actually got a hang of things and suddenly everything won't feel so heavy and painful.
Make sure you've got your own support network too, like friends or family if that's possible. Having support is important.
I hope things ease up for you soon, I can see you're in a lot of pain xx

Hi OP,

You are going through immense pain and shock and need to just take it day by day, hour by hour. I am going through similar and have found reading books on separation and divorce, listening to podcasts etc, really helpful to remind me I am not alone and that other women have come through this. Focus on anything that will make you feel good - I have a blanket with me a lot to help me feel cosy and protected, I am blasting feel-good songs on repeat, have reached out to friends and been honest about how crap I am feeling and their check-ins and texts are really helping me realise how much love and support I have outside of my marriage. I also booked a massage , which really helped. There will be terrible days and days where you can see a little light in future. Hang on to that light. You can do it.

Thank you @Grounded03, I am so very sorry to hear you’re going through this too, it’s honestly the most horrendous thing I’ve ever experienced and I just can’t seem to get a grip.

can I ask how far you are along this awful road? Have you started divorce proceedings yet? Although my H and I have been through so much bad stuff, I’m missing him so much and just want our life back, I don’t know how I’m going to start again.

I hope you are as okay as can be

It's hard enough for you without taking on guilt for other people's feelings. From what you say, it was not your choice to end the relationship, your husband is the one who left, so why are you feeling guilty? Why is adult DD giving you a hard time - this isn't even her father, is it?
You say "feel as though I’ve broken all my families’ hearts" - why are their hearts broken when you are the one whose marriage has broken down? Their feelings are not your responsibility either. If the relationship was as toxic as you say, they might in fact be pleased that it's over.
Concentrate on yourself, and your own healing. Not everyone will agree with me but I think it is best not to wallow, don't indulge yourself with sad music and memories, don't think about how other people might feel about this. Get up and get moving, do kick boxing or dance classes, something where you have to think, focus and practice, something where you use up energy. Get out in the fresh air, try some new things and keep yourself busy. Find some podcasts to listen to for those times when you can't sleep, do a course ( loads of free stuff on FutureLearn) but don't sit there thinking about how you've failed at this marriage because that's done with, it's over.

Hi @CC222 - the guilt I feel for my daughter is also overwhelming me - I’ve had to stop counselling because I’m doing online CBT which is a waste of time. I need to face reality but don’t know how to do it

Is it possible to have a heart to heart with your daughter and let her know how you're feeling? Maybe she will be able to soften her views and offer you some reassurance...
it's not your fault this has happened, the guilt really shouldn't sit with you ♥️

@CC222 I’ve had a lot of heart to hearts with her and it’s putting a lot of strain on her. Currently sat at my desk in work purposely not going home so that I can avoid her as I’m causing her a lot of stress

I’m so depressed and despite getting as much support as possible, nothings working. I miss him, our life, our family and our future so much. I feel quite ill with it all tbh

This is a terrible idea, to offload on a child.

op, yoire doing well to realise regularly confiding in your daughter isn’t ok. Do you have any friends or older family you can talk to?

I am two months in. We are taking it in turns to be in the house with the kids. And he will be finding somewhere else to love in the next month. The transitions are the worst.

I totally get what you say about missing your old life, but I have found it really helps to literally force yourself to stop thinking about the past as soon as you catch yourself doing it.

Please go easy on yourself and if you manage to get up , get dressed and get through the day at this stage that is success. Don’t try and fight those awful feelings, let them come and wash over you, cry it out and they will eventually subside, just a little. I am still waking up each day with a pounding heart and a sense of dread but I have moments of feeling ok and I am clinging on to those. I also wrote a list of everything I disliked about my ex and that helps to refer back to!

I went through a horrendous break up last year, felt exactly the same as you did. Eventually choosing to move on, changing my phone number, removing all traces of memories, getting back out there after a while, and a year on he really is just someone I used to know. Turned out he was shagging someone from work behind my back, hence the toxicity. I clung on for far too long. I’m not sure if you’ve already done it, but total no contact does help wonders. It’ll take time OP, but just remember that each day you feel like this is a day closer to feeling healed and better, just remind yourself it’s totally normal to feel like you are but it will pass. Try and take control and don’t let him have access to you. Even if he came back it’ll never be the same. New chapter for you now, go and enjoy it, without someone who didn’t and wouldn’t stick around for you.

Hi @Theonlywayisup1, so sorry to hear you’ve gone through this hell too. Can I ask, were you married? What did you do about the practicalities, the house, children etc?

We were 12 weeks away from our wedding, he didn’t even tell me he’d cancelled it, I found out via my caterers! He never fully ended it, just kept telling me he wanted it to work, he needed a bit of space etc, the whole time he was with her. I only found out a few weeks back once I’d fully removed myself.

i had to do all of the legalities around the house. I also have a child, but I’ve told him the truth and left him to organise a relationship between them, lo and behold he hasn’t seen him since I’ve removed myself. I now have a wonderful new man, new life and don’t have to deal with a pathetic excuse of a man.

this man is not the man for you, if he was he would be there for you. Please please walk away, you’ll feel so much better

@Littleroseseverywhere

Her daughter is an adult, and I just meant that she should talk to her about the guilt she holds for her. Because surely her daughter should realise it's not her fault and she shouldn't feel guilty and can reassure her of that. I didn't mean that she should offload to her daughter, that's completely different.

It sounds like you are taking on responsibility and shame for the break up when it's not even something you wanted to happen! It's not your fault. Can your daughter get some counselling too, as it sounds like the responsibility for taking care of her feelings on top of your own feels overwhelming.

You need to make self kindness a priority. When I was left I found Paul Mckenna's 'you can heal your broken heart' helpful. Coming on MN is a good idea. People promised me the pain would get less, and I didn't really believe it, but it really truly does. But you need to give it time, get what rl support you can and be really kind to yourself. Some gentle exercise can be good, or just start something new, whatever you fancy, a hobby, colouring in, a jigsaw, just whatever can take your mind off things for a little while.

It’s truly an awful thing to go through. I’ve had 3 months to try and wrap my head around separation and whilst it has gotten easier there are still days I feel like staying in bed and hiding from the world. The tears aren’t as frequent as they were though and I’m learning to take it one day at a time.

Like a pp, I’ve made a list of things that used to annoy me about him to remind myself that it wasn’t perfect. I struggle with silence so have either music/tv or water sounds at night. I’ve also started baking a lot more (appreciated by work colleagues!) and going swimming where the only thing I need to think about is going up and down the pool. Be kind to yourself, there is no right or wrong way to get through this.

OP I promise that in a years time you won't feel this terrible pain.
You are in the early stages of grief. You can expect every emotion and swing between them. Take one minute, hour, day at a time. Cry when you can, eat even if you don't want to. Avoid alcohol. Exercise to help you get endorphins and aid sleep.

But always remember- this pain will not last.

You have to let your old life go and think of what you can do that’s best for you going forwards. You need to believe that you’ll be okay and don’t lean on your children.
I’m happy now many years later, still on my own, and although it’s sad we split up we are all doing fine.

Have you tried telling yourself 'I'm not the one who left'?

So sorry to everyone else who is going through this. I know it’s over, he’s made it quite clear, and yet I’m constantly analysing how we went wrong and regretting things that we both may have done. I’m constantly hoping we’ll find a way back to one another. Pragmatically, I’ve enquired about mediation and the cost is eye-watering - I’ve sent him an email saying compared to the cost of marriage counselling, would counselling not be the cheaper option if there’s anything left there to work with.

I feel that his anger towards me is misplaced (my MH nurse agrees) and that maybe if I leave him alone, he’ll sort himself out.

Negatives - he’s told me it’s over, he doesn’t love me, won’t communicate with me, has blocked me

positives (yes I’m stupid) - won’t give me the court fee to start the divorce, hasn’t sought legal advice beyond Google, has told me that if I’d left him alone at first with no contact he may have felt different, told me he was still trying the night before he left me

i think he’s he’s a breakdown caused by years of pent up issues - so my heads fighting with itself saying ‘give it time and see what happens’ - so that’s what I intend to do

sorry for long post, but assume if you’re in this position with me, you’ll understand

any thoughts, am I deluded?

He's still lying to you. By not ripping the plaster off and filing for divorce yourself, you're giving him the ability to fuck around with your head to make you suffer more. Same way if you do file yourself, he'll then claim that he would have returned had you not done that.

And yeah, there's probably somebody else in the background. That's usually what makes them quite so fucking nasty about it - and the mind games are because at some level, they're hedging their bets so they can either stroll back in to a hero's welcome if it doesn't work out or to be able to absolutely rinse the bank account and hide things before you realise he's actually just a nasty piece of shit who wants you to be unhappy.

@NeverDropYourMooncup i understand where you’re coming from, of course I’ve asked about another woman but he swears that there isn’t and that it’s our arguing that’s made him fall out of love with me. I know for a fact he’s at his mums, he’s in contact with our daughter during his spare time. I honestly think he’s had a breakdown and sadly we’re all the victims of this

no matter what I do he’ll fuck with my head and you wouldn’t think it could be more Fucked than it currently is

The worst thing you need to do is accept that this is the end. Then you need to grieve the relationship. I would suggest a journal (several) to witness your feelings. Research indicates it takes about 3 years to resolve.