Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How long does this misery last - 9 weeks separated

32 replies

PotsnPan · 27/05/2023 12:07

He’s blocked me, he’s told me he no longer loves, told me he’s definitely not coming back - taken almost all of his belongings, when he picks adult DD he parks over the road. I know it’s over - yet I feel that I am stuck in a perpetual misery - when will this start to get easier?

feeling embarrassed that my marriage has failed after just 4 years (together 13), feel as though I’ve broken all my families’ hearts, missing our life together, missing his presence even though the relationship had gone toxic

when will I climb out of this? I’m on AD, counsellors etc but just feel stuck and so so very sad

OP posts:

BeverlyHa · 01/06/2023 18:39

This is grief......you need to process it as such.

Original poster

PotsnPan · 01/06/2023 19:08

@OhcantthInkofaname ive been writing things down everywhere. I simply cannot accept it’s over, I’m holding out hope, but I know it’s over - my head is absolutely battered

OP posts:

Littleroseseverywhere · 01/06/2023 20:34

I read this a lot on here, a marriage ends and the left party insists it’s a mental health issue and the leaver has had a mental breakdown.

op. I think uou need to prepare yourself for that not being the case, and really try to not cling to hope ie he’s not started a divorce yet or he’s mentally Ill and will come back. It is only hurting you more. Because you will need to accept it and move forward at some point. Pretending it’s a mental breakdown helps now, but it won’t help soon enough, it will make it worse and longer to accept. 💐

KetoQueen · 01/06/2023 20:35

Whataretalkingabout · 27/05/2023 13:09

I've heard said that when you have had a bit of a shock- surely that is an understatement in your circumstances- it is good to get your body moving. Shake all over like a polar bear, go for quick short walks, morning and evening. Do yoga , go to the gym, whatever you like but the goal is to get your energy and emotions to move through and out of your body. Be gentle and patient and kind to yourself, every day. Give yourself time.

I would agree with this completely, it really helped me process my mums death

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 20:45

Theonlywayisup1 · 01/06/2023 09:46

We were 12 weeks away from our wedding, he didn’t even tell me he’d cancelled it, I found out via my caterers! He never fully ended it, just kept telling me he wanted it to work, he needed a bit of space etc, the whole time he was with her. I only found out a few weeks back once I’d fully removed myself.

i had to do all of the legalities around the house. I also have a child, but I’ve told him the truth and left him to organise a relationship between them, lo and behold he hasn’t seen him since I’ve removed myself. I now have a wonderful new man, new life and don’t have to deal with a pathetic excuse of a man.

this man is not the man for you, if he was he would be there for you. Please please walk away, you’ll feel so much better

How did you meet your new man? I'm so confused about how people manage when they have children

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 20:49

PotsnPan · 01/06/2023 17:45

So sorry to everyone else who is going through this. I know it’s over, he’s made it quite clear, and yet I’m constantly analysing how we went wrong and regretting things that we both may have done. I’m constantly hoping we’ll find a way back to one another. Pragmatically, I’ve enquired about mediation and the cost is eye-watering - I’ve sent him an email saying compared to the cost of marriage counselling, would counselling not be the cheaper option if there’s anything left there to work with.

I feel that his anger towards me is misplaced (my MH nurse agrees) and that maybe if I leave him alone, he’ll sort himself out.

Negatives - he’s told me it’s over, he doesn’t love me, won’t communicate with me, has blocked me

positives (yes I’m stupid) - won’t give me the court fee to start the divorce, hasn’t sought legal advice beyond Google, has told me that if I’d left him alone at first with no contact he may have felt different, told me he was still trying the night before he left me

i think he’s he’s a breakdown caused by years of pent up issues - so my heads fighting with itself saying ‘give it time and see what happens’ - so that’s what I intend to do

sorry for long post, but assume if you’re in this position with me, you’ll understand

any thoughts, am I deluded?

These details are very similar to my babys father who left me 5 months ago (baby is now 4 months old), blaming me and my anxiety (even though I was pregnant) and it left me micro analyzing every interaction we had wondering if I'd said or done tiny things differently. He had also proposed with expensive ring a few weeks before leaving, so I have to believe him that he thought it would work or he wouldn't have wasted that much money. We were only together for two years so different to you, but I am feeling a bit better now - have an awful sad moment at least once a day, but also have happy moments and can laugh sometimes too low which I couldn't have done at the start. Spending time with friends and exercising are the best distractions and mood boosters, I would try to do these as much as you can x

Original poster

PotsnPan · 01/06/2023 21:01

Ah @Unexpectedlysinglemum ive been there too! So sorry to hear what’s happening to you but from someone who’s been there, I PROMISE you that he’s gone for a reason, I was left at the beginning of my pregnancy and then had him in and out until he left when my DD was 6 months. Seriously - best thing that ever happened to the pair of us, my DD even says that and has felt that way since her teens.

the relationship you have when it’s just you and your child is like no other - we were just us until she was 7, and whilst H stayed with us, he didn’t move in until she was 13, we are so close.

do you have support? You’ve got this, I promise x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2