Is this worth continuing

StrawberryRainbows · 2023-05-26T18:43:31+00:00

Hi, I am really conflicted on whether to go or stay. I've been in a relationship for over 9 yrs with talks of marriage between me and my partner, however the proposal never seems to happen despite talks of marriage and moving in together. Nothing is materialising. I have read some posts that say, if it hasn't happened in the first 2 or 3 yrs, it is because they don't want to marry you and stringing along.

HelpNeeded7 · 26/05/2023 19:45

I guess what do you want?

Are you happy to remain as the relationship is?

If not, I would chuck him back.

I guess you could have a chat about partners expectations first though?

Anaemiafog · 26/05/2023 19:48

It depends I think. DS proposed last year after 10 years. Their circumstances are that they met at 17 and will marry next year, so still only 29 years old. They have travelled extensively, have established careers, bought a house in their early twenties and wanted to be married before they begin to try for children.

TheKobayashiMaru · 26/05/2023 19:51

Sorry to be harsh OP, but if he wanted to marry you he would have asked and it would have happened by now.

Sounds like he is stringing you along. Are you in your 30's?

welshmercury · 26/05/2023 19:54

9 years and not living together then he is happy with the way it is.
do you want children as what would happen then?

GoodChat · 26/05/2023 19:57

I think the living together is a much bigger issue than the marriage.

Tell him it's now or never.

Typicalof · 26/05/2023 20:00

Your feeling matter too. Can you live with him deciding when/ if you marry?

Tell him to piss in the potty or get off, in a nice polite way. There is nothing wrong with stating your wants and needs from the relationship. And if you are not ok with the way it is going, it is OK to break it off.

notsignedupforthis · 26/05/2023 20:01

My inner optimist made he hang on for 13 years. We lived together and we're engaged but I guess his bread crumbs ran out.
I gave my inner optimist a good shake and left. My biggest regret is that I didn't walk sooner.

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:01

GoodChat · 26/05/2023 19:57

I think the living together is a much bigger issue than the marriage.

Tell him it's now or never.

He comes from a Jewish Family and doesn't want to live together before marriage, hence the living apart but the marriage doesn't seem to happen.

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Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:02

Or proposal at least.

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GoodChat · 26/05/2023 20:03

@StrawberryRainbows he's having you on.

Plenty of Jewish people live together before marriage. If he felt so strongly about his religious stance he wouldn't have been in a (presumably sexual) relationship for 9 years.

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:03

What made you realise that it was only breadcrumbs and that nothing would materialise from it?

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bibbityboppityboo · 26/05/2023 20:06

How old are you?

If you're in your early 20s and have been together since young teens it's a bit different to being late twenties / early 30s!

Personally I think if it's late 20s early 30s I'd hope it was soon or I think never.

I had a friend get engaged at 30 after 19 years together (since 11!) but that was a bit different imo as they were so young for so much of the relationship.

intothegreek · 26/05/2023 20:06

Crikey, move along already...this is not happening! Whatever spell he has you under to be waiting around like this, you need to break it and find someone who falls in love with you and wants to commit. This guy is waiting to see if something better comes along, you can do better

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:06

I suppose my question is how do I know that I am being fed breadcrumbs and nothing will come off it?

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CamelliaAndPrunus · 26/05/2023 20:12

I guess you tell him your feelings and stop waiting for him to lead on it? Watch him closely and you'll get your answer about how he really feels.

Careerdilemma · 26/05/2023 20:13

Are you Jewish and of child bearing age? If you're not do you think that is the issue? I'm wondering it he really cares about you so can't bring himself to move on, but equally can't commit to you because qny kids he has with you won't be Jewish by birth.

To be clear I'm in no way suggesting this is an issue for all Jewish men, but if he is fairly observant as he sounds your religion could be a factor.

A friend had a similar situation. He strung her along for 12 years then ditched her for a Jewish girl he met and was married with a baby on the way within six months.

GoodChat · 26/05/2023 20:14

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:06

I suppose my question is how do I know that I am being fed breadcrumbs and nothing will come off it?

Because you've been waiting for 9 years and he has the conversation then all conversation drops off and nothing changes.

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:18

That is a good point and I never thought of that. I am not Jewish and can't have any children because of my age (late 50s) he is early 40s

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Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 26/05/2023 20:20

Is he hoping to meet The One who shares his faith and have dc? Harsh but maybe a possibility..

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:20

Careerdilemma · 26/05/2023 20:13

Are you Jewish and of child bearing age? If you're not do you think that is the issue? I'm wondering it he really cares about you so can't bring himself to move on, but equally can't commit to you because qny kids he has with you won't be Jewish by birth.

To be clear I'm in no way suggesting this is an issue for all Jewish men, but if he is fairly observant as he sounds your religion could be a factor.

A friend had a similar situation. He strung her along for 12 years then ditched her for a Jewish girl he met and was married with a baby on the way within six months.

He has talked about Adoption

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Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:22

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 26/05/2023 20:20

Is he hoping to meet The One who shares his faith and have dc? Harsh but maybe a possibility..

If this is the case, it really confuses me because he never said he wanted me to convert and was open to Adoption, so I'm not sure why if that was the case that he wanted someone that was his religion and bio kids, just go and find that someone

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Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:24

Careerdilemma · 26/05/2023 20:13

Are you Jewish and of child bearing age? If you're not do you think that is the issue? I'm wondering it he really cares about you so can't bring himself to move on, but equally can't commit to you because qny kids he has with you won't be Jewish by birth.

To be clear I'm in no way suggesting this is an issue for all Jewish men, but if he is fairly observant as he sounds your religion could be a factor.

A friend had a similar situation. He strung her along for 12 years then ditched her for a Jewish girl he met and was married with a baby on the way within six months.

That moved very fast! Makes me realise even more that I am being breadcrumbed

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Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:25

TheKobayashiMaru · 26/05/2023 19:51

Sorry to be harsh OP, but if he wanted to marry you he would have asked and it would have happened by now.

Sounds like he is stringing you along. Are you in your 30's?

Early 40s and late 50s

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Mari9999 · 26/05/2023 21:01

OP, if he is in his late 50s, he is a bit old to be caring about upsetting his parents by living together. If he hasn't had a child in all of this time, it is quite likely that children are not on his radar screen.

A man in his late 50s who has lived alone for a significant amount of time may not be interested in or even capable of making compromises and adjustments in the way that he lives.

It really should not matter what he wants. Clearly, you want something that is not happening and not likely to happen with him. If marriage is what you want, you may need to find a different partner.

If you have enjoyed the time with him, then he has not been giving you bread crumbs. At this point, you want something that he does not. What pleasure would there be in dragging a reluctant groom to the altar? A wedding should be what both parties want and both are looking forward to it. A reluctant groom does not bode well for a happy ending.

Go and look for your Mr Right or at least your Mr. Willing . This man may be a wonderful person but he simply does not want or need to move in the direction that you want or need to go.

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 21:26

Mari9999 · 26/05/2023 21:01

OP, if he is in his late 50s, he is a bit old to be caring about upsetting his parents by living together. If he hasn't had a child in all of this time, it is quite likely that children are not on his radar screen.

A man in his late 50s who has lived alone for a significant amount of time may not be interested in or even capable of making compromises and adjustments in the way that he lives.

It really should not matter what he wants. Clearly, you want something that is not happening and not likely to happen with him. If marriage is what you want, you may need to find a different partner.

If you have enjoyed the time with him, then he has not been giving you bread crumbs. At this point, you want something that he does not. What pleasure would there be in dragging a reluctant groom to the altar? A wedding should be what both parties want and both are looking forward to it. A reluctant groom does not bode well for a happy ending.

Go and look for your Mr Right or at least your Mr. Willing . This man may be a wonderful person but he simply does not want or need to move in the direction that you want or need to go.

He is early 40s. I am late 50s

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