Page 2 | Is this worth continuing

StrawberryRainbows · 2023-05-26T18:43:31+00:00

Hi, I am really conflicted on whether to go or stay. I've been in a relationship for over 9 yrs with talks of marriage between me and my partner, however the proposal never seems to happen despite talks of marriage and moving in together. Nothing is materialising. I have read some posts that say, if it hasn't happened in the first 2 or 3 yrs, it is because they don't want to marry you and stringing along.

HotSince82 · 26/05/2023 21:28

Oh my God! What are you playing at?

Get rid of him. There is a man out there who wants a life with you! Go!

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 26/05/2023 21:37

Usually the push for women to get married is start a family, but if you are not in that situation, there is not really a need. If you absolutely must and its a deal breaker then you should leave. Refusing to live together because of his religion is nonsense though.

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 21:51

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 26/05/2023 21:37

Usually the push for women to get married is start a family, but if you are not in that situation, there is not really a need. If you absolutely must and its a deal breaker then you should leave. Refusing to live together because of his religion is nonsense though.

Yes I agree.. I suppose its the talking about it for so long that has hyped me up and now fear I wont meet anyone else.

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Mari9999 · 26/05/2023 22:45

OP, I am sorry, I did not see the information stating the the specific information referencing the age of each of you. However, a reluctant groom should not be what you want at any age.

Hopefully, you can find someone whose needs and wants are compatible to what you are seeking.

TheKobayashiMaru · 27/05/2023 06:33

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:25

Early 40s and late 50s

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All this 'won't live together before marriage' is rubbish unless he is very religious. It is an excuse. Actions speak louder than words.

GoodQuestion01 · 27/05/2023 06:37

That’s a big age gap op. Is that a factor in his reluctance?

Weedoormatnomore · 27/05/2023 06:50

That is a large age gap, have you meet his family ? If you can't speak to him openly and ask him where he sees the relationship going after being togeather for 9yrs or ask when he plans to get married. Have you even spoken about the cost of living going mad suggested living togeather to reduce costs ? I know he said he wanted to be married first so does that mean you never stay at each others house ?

barmycatmum · 27/05/2023 07:00

Sounds like he may have been future-faking all this time. Some do it to avoid confrontation and keep their comfy relationship as is; some do it because they really just don’t want to face things…
but if you want to be married, there’s no reason for you to keep hanging around waiting. There’s no shame in having marriage as a life goal if that is what you truly want.

if you’re happy with him as things are, that’s one thing - if you are not happy, you do not have to stay.

you can set an internal “walk date” for yourself, have a conversation with him about timelines, and if he hedges and won’t set a timeline with you, you have your answer.

Tanaria · 27/05/2023 07:52

I know a couple like this, without the religious aspect.

She is late 50s, he is late 40s. Together 20 years. Still not living together - there is a vague plan to do this once either set of parents dies. She pushed for engagement and got it eventually (after 10 years) and nothing further has happened. They lived together during the pandemic and he told me afterwards he was glad to have his own space back when she moved back out.

He is not really bothered about the commitment. Enjoys a lot of time of being alone, likes the company she provides. I asked about their plans to get married and he told me that might happen after they've lived together for a while, because, well, you'd have to see how they get on. And then moaned about some of her everyday habits which just made it sound like he'd resent her being there all the time.

She might well be into her 70s before any of this becomes reality and my strong guess is he'll break it off pretty soon after that happens. He likes and loves her, but he just isn't into her enough to take the commitment further. She, meanwhile, has wasted 20 years of her life on him so far, hoping things change.

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 27/05/2023 10:04

Tanaria · 27/05/2023 07:52

I know a couple like this, without the religious aspect.

She is late 50s, he is late 40s. Together 20 years. Still not living together - there is a vague plan to do this once either set of parents dies. She pushed for engagement and got it eventually (after 10 years) and nothing further has happened. They lived together during the pandemic and he told me afterwards he was glad to have his own space back when she moved back out.

He is not really bothered about the commitment. Enjoys a lot of time of being alone, likes the company she provides. I asked about their plans to get married and he told me that might happen after they've lived together for a while, because, well, you'd have to see how they get on. And then moaned about some of her everyday habits which just made it sound like he'd resent her being there all the time.

She might well be into her 70s before any of this becomes reality and my strong guess is he'll break it off pretty soon after that happens. He likes and loves her, but he just isn't into her enough to take the commitment further. She, meanwhile, has wasted 20 years of her life on him so far, hoping things change.

Thank you for sharing. That is a real eye opener.I think a part of it is a bit of Sink cost fallacy for me at the moment as I've already invested so many years into this relationship. Also the fact I am in my 50s I'm not sure how I would find someone else now. He might well leave me for someone else or when someone better comes along that he wants to marry?

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Allrightmylover · 27/05/2023 10:10

This is going nowhere op, how much have you got involved with each others families and friends out of interest?

polkadotdalmation · 27/05/2023 10:25

He's stringing you along.

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 27/05/2023 10:50

Allrightmylover · 27/05/2023 10:10

This is going nowhere op, how much have you got involved with each others families and friends out of interest?

We are quite involved I'd say, as in we know each others friends and families. We visit their homes occassionally

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Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 27/05/2023 10:53

I do realise that I am much closer to retirement age than he is and like someone else pointed out above, is Marraige really so important now in the grand scheme of things if we wont be having children

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Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 27/05/2023 10:54

polkadotdalmation · 27/05/2023 10:25

He's stringing you along.

Stringing along as in he wants to be with me, but just not married? Or stringing the whole relationship along with the breadcrumb of marriag

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Pixiedust1234 · 27/05/2023 11:04

StrawberryRainbows · 26/05/2023 20:01

He comes from a Jewish Family and doesn't want to live together before marriage, hence the living apart but the marriage doesn't seem to happen.

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If you are having sex, which after 9 years together i am assuming you are, then it's absolutely nothing to do with being Jewish (or any other religion). Dont fall for that crap.

I'm sorry but marriage will never happen and its extremely doubtful moving in together will happen. He's got what he wants already.

You deserve more. He's not the one.

gwenneh · 27/05/2023 11:08

StrawberryRainbows · 27/05/2023 10:54

Stringing along as in he wants to be with me, but just not married? Or stringing the whole relationship along with the breadcrumb of marriag

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Stringing you along as in the moment someone he does consider to be marriage material comes along, you’ll be history. He’s using you to mark time.

Ineedaduvetday · 27/05/2023 14:14

What do his parents say?

Original poster

StrawberryRainbows · 28/05/2023 23:36

Nothing, as we are both wayy above the age where parents would comment on such things I suppose. I think they assume we are both ok with this dating arrangement

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