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Original poster

Do men think think they have 'won' something when they have sex with a woman?

34 replies

reachforthestars5 · 26/05/2023 18:37

The narrative (in a heterosexual context) seems to portray men as the active participant in sex and women as the passive. Men talk about 'f'ing' women, which sounds so crude and as if sex is something that is done to women rather than mutual.

I've recently been talking to a man I had sex with about 10 years ago, and the way he talks about that (and sex with other women) is like he 'won' something from getting women into bed. As if we are objects to be f'ked.

I feel like, as a woman, I'm giving something of myself away or something? When I have sex with a man, as they can casually say they 'f'ked' me, as if I'm an object to violate.

In reality, he was very inexperienced when we had sex and I did most of the work.

Is this a common thing that men think? It really puts me off the notion of casual sex if so.

OP posts:
Keepithidden · 26/05/2023 18:43

Not to this man.

It's a bit more than a game for me anyway.

Testino · 26/05/2023 18:46

Well apparently so. And women seem to think they are giving or withholding something when they claim to give or withhold sex as reward or punishment for actions.

Keepithidden · 26/05/2023 18:49

Of course I'm sure some men and women fulfil the stereotype, I just wanted to let people know it's not everyone.

Alcemeg · 26/05/2023 19:06

I've also known women who talk about men falling for them, like wearing a belt of scalps.

These people are just shitheads, don't waste time working them out.

PaintedEgg · 26/05/2023 19:08

expectation towards men are so low they often think they won something even if it's just a participation certificate 😜

strawberryurchin · 26/05/2023 19:28

I've definitely felt like this from a couple of guys in the past. Almost like they were self congratulatory about it! Really offputting behaviour. And now I am very careful about who I get together with.

iamturtle · 26/05/2023 19:29

i might to refer to men i've fucked too, can't see how it's different? I fucked them, they fucked me, we fucked each other... fucking is a mutual activity. I might see why you have an issue if he said "boned her", "ploughed her" etc but i think i'd probably be more revolted by the language by the sentiment tbh. you seem to be maybe looking for reasons to offended and have a go at all men. some are pigs, some are lovely and the use of "fucked" doesn't really indicate which category they fall into. but if you feel you've given something of yourself away and you're upset it doesn't seem to have been appreciated, casual sex probably isn't for you. i look back occasionally on men i've casually fucked and smile at the enjoyable experience (or shudder in horror and swear off alcohol for a few weeks!) - i have no idea if they do the same or if they're always telling smutty stories to their mates about how they "had me"... and i don't care, other than i'd feel that the latter was a total loser who clearly wasn't getting much and i'm a bit embarrassed i ever shagged him

strawberryurchin · 26/05/2023 19:43

also any man who refers to it as he "fucked" someone - that in and of itself is a red flag IMO. Sorry it's just about respect and that language doesn't convey respect for women.

hattie43 · 26/05/2023 19:46

strawberryurchin · 26/05/2023 19:43

also any man who refers to it as he "fucked" someone - that in and of itself is a red flag IMO. Sorry it's just about respect and that language doesn't convey respect for women.

Exactly this . It's a horrible way to describe it from both men and women . How are men to respect anyone that refers to ' fucking ' yuk

PaintedEgg · 26/05/2023 19:46

i think some people just use a bit more bulgar language

its not "making love" and for some "having sex" sounds too sterile and technical so it may not have anything to do with actual respect or lack of it

some people even refer to it as fucking while having sex ;)

honeylulu · 26/05/2023 19:50

I prefer to think of it as an activity that a man and woman does together as a joint enterprise. But there are a lot of men and women too who think of it as something a man "does to" the woman or that the man "takes" and the woman gives or allows.

YRGAM · 26/05/2023 19:51

There's definitely an element of truth to that for a lot of younger men, although most grow out of that way of thinking in their 30s

Oopsiedaisyy · 26/05/2023 19:57

I don't think men agonise whether a woman will want to see them again after they have slept together, but frankly they should - most are underwhelming in every way. They use the lure of a relationship to keep women from noticing lol

honeylulu · 26/05/2023 20:03

I've been married now for donkeys years but in my younger dating days I definitely noticed with some men a cooling of ardour after first having sex. From keen enthusiasm to almost cocky nonchalance. It made me think there was something in what people say about the thrill of the chase for men.

pinkfondu · 26/05/2023 20:09

I think for some it is, the same as some women it certainly not all men

MorrisZapp · 26/05/2023 20:12

If sex isn't something that men do to women, why do men have to make sure they have verbal consent but women don't?

MilitantMommieBFArmyLife · 26/05/2023 20:23

Exactly this . It's a horrible way to describe it from both men and women . How are men to respect anyone that refers to ' fucking ' yuk

'We fucked' is acceptable but referring to 'fucking' someone else is disrespectful imo. But I struggle to understand why people enjoy casual sex (did it only a few times) so maybe I'm just a frump

MilitantMommieBFArmyLife · 26/05/2023 20:25

As in 'I went to Kayla's house and we fucked' sounds better than 'I fucked Kayla'. The latter sounds like a notch on the bedpost rather than a mutually enjoyable time

PaintedEgg · 26/05/2023 20:28

MorrisZapp · 26/05/2023 20:12

If sex isn't something that men do to women, why do men have to make sure they have verbal consent but women don't?

what do you mean that women dont need a verbal consent?! of course we need that, both parties have to explicitly say they want to have sex

BigFatLiar · 26/05/2023 20:42

honeylulu · 26/05/2023 20:03

I've been married now for donkeys years but in my younger dating days I definitely noticed with some men a cooling of ardour after first having sex. From keen enthusiasm to almost cocky nonchalance. It made me think there was something in what people say about the thrill of the chase for men.

In some ways you're right. I suspect that attitudes to sex have changed significantly over the years. Like you it's aong time since dating and I suspect that as far as a man was concerned after sex it was a case of relaxing believing that the relationship was becoming established so he didn't have to try so hard. Nowadays sex is pretty much the norm with most people dating even casually so it doesn't mean so much.

onefinemess · 27/05/2023 08:17

I have to disagree, I absolutely WAS a prize!

My other half won the jackpot when he got the fuck me for the first time!

KatyKopykat · 27/05/2023 08:24

PaintedEgg · 26/05/2023 19:46

i think some people just use a bit more bulgar language

its not "making love" and for some "having sex" sounds too sterile and technical so it may not have anything to do with actual respect or lack of it

some people even refer to it as fucking while having sex ;)

Shagging!

Bonking!

Etc

There aren't really any good words
to use!

TheoTheopolis23 · 27/05/2023 08:29

I would say it's extremely common among a certain percentage of men (and always has been) to see sex as a conquest.

As pp said upthread - such people tend to be shit heads/wankers and are letting you know to avoid them.

BigFatLiar · 27/05/2023 22:09

onefinemess · 27/05/2023 08:17

I have to disagree, I absolutely WAS a prize!

My other half won the jackpot when he got the fuck me for the first time!

My other half won the jackpot when he got the fuck me for the first time!

The rest of the times it's been the booby prize?🙄

Nodinnernogift · 28/05/2023 08:50

Oh my god in my much younger days I used to love casual sex with hot guys. I have no idea if they saw me as a conquest or not. I was having such a good time I didn't care.

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