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Original poster

Difficult step-parent situation

35 replies

Julia1986 · 26/05/2023 14:05

I’m in 2 minds of how to deal with this and wanted to know some thoughts.

my dad got married in January. My dad has two kids (me and my brother) and his wife has two kids (two daughters), all adults. My brothers wife passed away a few years ago (not long after we lost our mum). Brother gave up his job to care for his wife and was in a bad place after she passed, and he moved into my dads house, along with my niece. Dad more than happy with this and wanted to help, he put the offer out there. During the few years my brother was back with my dad, my dad met his now wife, and he moved into her rented home, with my brother staying in the house my dad owned. By this point, brother back in work and then contributing to the bills at an amount agreed with my dad.

After the wedding, dads wife gave up her job, as ‘she had always wanted to be a housewife’ and the decision was made that they would give up their rented home, and move back into my dads home, with my brother and niece. There were no conversations about my brother and niece moving out and my dad made it clear that they were welcome as long as they wished, although dads wife made it very clear from the very beginning that she wanted them out, and from my brothers point of view (and the admission of my dad) treated them quite horribly, for example packing up their possessions into bin bags and putting them outside, a coffee mug wasn’t washed up straight away after use and she threw it and smashed it. From conversations with my niece, she also wasn’t very nice to her either and would shout at her for minor things, such as dropping a tv remote on the floor (although I do appreciate she’s 4 years old and can’t take that as absolute truth). Long story short, this becomes unsustainable very quickly and brother moved out. Brother and niece now have a really lovely home and niece has adapted just fine. My brother felt it was the right thing to do to give them their space when they got married, it was more the way in which his hand was forced and the treatment of his daughter that he was angry with.

I have been very low contact with my dad as I was disappointed in the way he didn’t step in or speak up when his wife was treating his son and grandchild so poorly. His wife was also telling some quite vicious stories about me which I was made aware of, and when I told my dad, he was aware but asked me just to ignore it. She had told people (I’m from a small town, gossip travels, thankfully miles away now) that my dad still had a mortgage because I had a drug problem and lost my job, meaning he had to send me money for my living costs for many years. There is absolutely no truth in that, he paid for my university accommodation while I was at university (about 16 years ago now) and has never had to give me a penny since (outside of birthday gifts). I also have never had a drug problem or been out of work since graduating. I appreciate this all sounds very petty, but as soon as they got married, she has gone out of her way to push my brother and I out of the picture.

Newest development is that her daughter, her husband and their three children will now be moving in with them as ‘they shouldn’t have to waste their money on rent’. That will be a total of four adults and three children (and a massive dog) in a three bedroom house. My brother is very upset and feels like he and his daughter have been pushed out to make room for her family. On top of this, my dad has been honest that he doesn’t want this to happen but doesn’t feel he can say no to her.

What should I do. Do I keep my nose out and leave them to it, or do I speak with my dad and try to knock some sense into him about standing his ground. My dad, brother and I have always been so close and it’s all fallen apart. I try to stay balanced and not portray her as the stereotypical ‘evil stepmother’, but she makes that hard! I just don’t know what to do for the best. Thank you in advance for any insight.

OP posts:
Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 26/05/2023 14:10

If your df didn't stand up against her for your db and dm to stay he won't keep her dc out either! My sm pulled df's strings also.. They won Big Money and at her imsistance df dumped me and my dc.... Ultimately your df needs to grow a pair.Ime he won't sorry.

moose62 · 26/05/2023 14:14

I really feel that if this is definitely something your father doesn't want, you should help him find the words to say no. This is his house which unfortunately he now has to share as he married your step-mother! But, he doesn't have to have her children and grand children move in.
It is tempting to say he is an adult, let him sort it out but it feels like he is being bullied and might need someone to advocate for him.
It might all get a bit messy....it all depends just how far your father is prepared to go to protect his interests.

Charliecatpaws · 26/05/2023 14:34

She's after your father's house for for kids!

Original poster
Julia1986 · 26/05/2023 14:42

@Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon I’m sorry you’ve experienced something similar. Even as adults, it’s a horrible feeling to have your parent push you to the side.

Thanks @moose62 , I agree with you. I think I just needed a sense check that saying something was the right thing to do!

@Charliecatpaws it does feel that way. I try to give the benefit of the doubt but I’m struggling to see that she has any good intentions! My niece bumped her head when with her childminder the other day and my dad was closer than my brother so went straight to pick her up… cue a massive tantrum from his wife. She makes it hard to see things from her perspective.

OP posts:
ItsNotRocketSalad · 26/05/2023 15:06

There's nothing you can do to stop this, though I'd be going completely no-contact. Your father is a pathetic excuse of a man but you can't make him do the right thing.

Azandme · 26/05/2023 15:09

She's a cuckoo.

Eleganz · 26/05/2023 15:12

I'd be leaving your Dad to it and spending time with your brother and niece instead. Also, I wouldn't be making any plans for inheritance from the house either, she'll probably have that off him soon enough.

LemonLimeDivine · 26/05/2023 15:12

You can try talking to your Dad but even if he listened, would he stand up to her?

She sounds like a nightmare.

rookiemere · 26/05/2023 15:19

I think the best thing you can do is try to keep lines of contact open with your DF. His DW will try and stop this, so try to see him on his own away from the home without her, but use most of your efforts to support your poor DNiece kicked out of her home.

Original poster
Julia1986 · 26/05/2023 15:48

Thanks all, appreciate the different points of view. He absolutely does need to find a back-bone and stop being walked all over. I’m not sure why he doesn’t seem to be able to do so! If you had asked me a year ago, I would have sworn blind that my dad would have never have let someone drive his family away, but you live and learn I suppose.

In relation to inheritance - Scotland so she has no automatic right, but I am also in no doubt she’ll find a way around this. I don’t really care about getting anything for myself, although it doesn’t sit right with me that she and her kids will likely be the ones to benefit. I’ve made peace with that being in my dads hands.

Will absolutely focus my energy on my brother and especially my niece. She’s been through so much in her little lifetime. We have a few weeks together in the summer (I try and help out with childcare where I can) and we’ll spend some time together. She’s very loved and is close with my grand-parents (her great grand-parents) and also has a very close relationship with her other grandparents (her mums parents). She has so much love around her.

A big old mess but I appreciate all your thoughts.

OP posts:
Allwelcone · 26/05/2023 15:58

Yes it sounds cuckoo behaviour. I'd stay out of it sadly, as people tend to stay more lotal to spouses than grown up kids. I speak from expereince.

Try and invite your dad on days out/ciffee/ whatever without her.
You will find, if my experience of similar situation is anything to go by, that one way or another she will try and cut communication between you and yr db and df.

just a thought, what about inheritance further down the line?

Allwelcone · 26/05/2023 15:59

Sorry I meant more loyal to spouses

Allwelcone · 26/05/2023 16:03

rookiemere · 26/05/2023 15:19

I think the best thing you can do is try to keep lines of contact open with your DF. His DW will try and stop this, so try to see him on his own away from the home without her, but use most of your efforts to support your poor DNiece kicked out of her home.

Great minds think alike!
My mum's now dh makes it hard to communicate with her, answering the phone in an unpleasant/scary tone, making it clear we are not welcome there when we go up to stay, causing problems by playing on mums insecurities etc.

Original poster
Julia1986 · 26/05/2023 16:15

Thank you all. Doesn’t seem like this is an uncommon problem! I suppose it’s coming to terms with the fact your parent isn’t the person you thought they were.

@Allwelcone in terms of inheritance, they live in Scotland and so she has no automatic entitlement to the house as I understand it. I have absolutely no doubt that she will persuade my dad to change his will however. I’ve made peace with that, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Ill try and keep some communication open but know that ultimately she may get her way. Part of me does wonder if he knows he has made a mistake but isn’t sure how to get himself out of it!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 26/05/2023 17:09

Op

in Scotland your wife can inherit some of your property and your money. You need to look into that I think it’s 1/3 for each child.

she is clearly bleeding him dry!

I would at least meet him and point out everything to see if he can see the light

Original poster
Julia1986 · 26/05/2023 17:15

@Quitelikeit ah thank you, I’m no expert in this area. It isn’t something I’ve given a lot of thought to but really useful to know. I think she likes the idea of owning her home.. there was a lot of talk of finally being a homeowner and becoming a housewife! I could have lived with that if she didn’t feel she needed to push us out to achieve it. Looks like it will be her and her children that will benefit from my dads hard work, but what will be will be I guess, I’m not sure there’s anything I can do.

really appreciate everyone’s comments.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 26/05/2023 17:41

Your brother should be grateful he had a turn of taking his child to live in Dad;s house, and that Dad was so generous and welcoming to them both.

Now Dad is offering the same hospitality to his stepfamily, and it's really none of your business or your brothers what Dad does in Dad's home.

2bazookas · 26/05/2023 17:50

Quitelikeit · Today 17:0

in Scotland your wife can inherit some of your property and your money. You need to look into that I think it’s 1/3 for each child.

Nope. In Scotland, the spouse can inherit one third of the MOVABLE estate (excludes land and property).

Stepchildren have no inheritance rights from a step-parent.

A married parents birth and legally adopted children are entitled to share between them, one third of their parents movable estate (excludes property and land)

Original poster
Julia1986 · 26/05/2023 18:02

@2bazookas I can understand that point of view, there is no doubt that my brother has benefited from my dads help in terms of housing them and childcare. It’s less the fact he had to move out and more the way in which that message was conveyed (being told they were welcome to stay but then being treated quite badly). Thanks for the info.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 26/05/2023 20:01

If it was me personally, yes, I’d sit your dad down and have one heartfelt conversation about your concerns, and then leave him to make his choices. If he continues to let this woman be such a shit, I’d very quickly put some distance between you in terms of your relationship. It sounds like you are already LC but I’d be even more so if you need to for your own wellbeing.

I say this as someone who is NC with her mum due to a stepfather situation. My stepdad’s adult children are all NC with him. He sexually abused at least one of them (convicted), but possibly both. But if you ask my mum, they cut him off because he wouldn’t give them more money during uni. 🙄I’m NC obviously because my mum married a child sexual offender. But she’s told everyone it’s because I have ‘issues’ and she’s ‘done all she can to help me’ and then I ran off with several £100k that I stole from her and won’t let her see her grandchildren. 🙄Sadly, I think this is a common narrative for parents who need to explain away soured relationships with adult children.

Nobsandnockers · 26/05/2023 20:11

I would sit dad down too and get him to talk about how he feels now. His wife definitely has her eye on the main chance.

billy1966 · 27/05/2023 10:06

A very difficult and not uncommon occurrence.

I too agree that one conversation needs to be had.

However, I would tell him straight that your mother is turning in her grave at his behaviour.

He is a silly old fool.

Fell for a woman who is only after what he has, and him allowing her to treat his grieving son and grandchild appallingly in their home.

Your mother will be turning in her grave.

I have zero sympathy or time for selfish parents like your father.

They so quickly turn their back on their children and betray their deceased spouses wishes in the process.

He doesn't deserve to be soft soaped.

He has walked into this situation and allowed this woman take over his home with her family, while abandoning his flesh and blood.

She's a grifter and he fell for it.

It is really wise OP that you protect yourself and go low contact, because there is every likelihood that he will not step up.

My dearest friends father did this, and her late mothers substantial estate from a successful business all went to his younger second wife who threw my 19 year old friend out of her home 3 weeks after he died 40 years ago.

She is still alive, on husband nr 3!
We both hope she dies screaming!

Original poster
Julia1986 · 27/05/2023 12:40

Thanks everyone. I’m sorry to read about you and your loved ones experiences of similar, I’m surprised and saddened that this is so common.

I will try to have one conversation with him and raise my concerns, and if this falls on deaf ears, I think distancing myself is the best thing to do.

I’ve tried hard to stay balanced and give her the benefit of the doubt, but she is very transparent and there are really no redeeming qualities - she’s just not a nice person and is out for what she can get. Perhaps I should have been voicing my opinions sooner.

With the exception of the grandchildren, we are all adults and could have co-existed quite civilly, there was just no need for this situation to be created. As much as my default is to defend my dad, he has absolutely facilitated it. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts.

OP posts:
TreeLine23 · 27/05/2023 13:11

@2bazookas don't talk bollocks. OP's brother had been through a traumatic time and was being supported.
Stepmother's children & entourage have only moved in because they 'shouldn't be paying rent', FFS. 🙄

OP, speak with your DF & try and support him against the bullying nature of his wife & CF family.

Zizzylou · 26/06/2023 23:29

My parter and I have been together over 4 years, we have lived together for 3.5 years. His divorce is still not final and until 5 months ago his ex wouldn’t let me meet his children. They are 15,18 and 21. Once I’d met the two youngest ones we bonded instantly and they now spend a lot of time with us I have a fantastic relationship with them,his eldest is away at university so I’ve only met her twice, the first time she was cold and dismissive to me even though we were all having dinner in my house, I told my partner and said he’d address it. The next time she came over I was throwing a bbq for my BF’s birthday, I decided to forget her previous behaviour and be kind and welcoming. She was so rude to me when I greeted her I felt like I had been slapped, I left the room and shed a tear. She continued like that all afternoon. My BF said he’d address it With her and he hasn’t. Am I wrong to be furious?