Why being over 40 is the end of it all - according to NM

[PaintedEgg]

I keep seeing a lot of posts about being over 40 / in your 40s that imply this is some sort of end of life period.

Women are said to suddenly hit menopause, which apparently means turning into frogs and never having sex again, while men are said to suddenly lose all vitality, their erection and will to live.

Where is all of this coming from?

Menopause is some sort of end of life period. For one thing, it's the end of periods. End of fertility. A time of humungous hormonal changes which, for many of us, are as dramatic as puberty and, like puberty, lead to a different version of ourselves. It heralds both problems and benefits.

Are you female? If so, I fail to understand why you can't see what a big change it is. Never mind, just kid yourself you'll remain unaltered apart from a few wrinkles, then get shocked when your periods go haywire. Post on the MN menopause board, you'll find plenty of support there.

@PaintedEgg Yes, I think to an extent it is about life stage and experiences which are often more likely to occur in that age group as much as the age itself.

I love my sixties so far. Mortgage-free, debt-free, dependent-free, fancy-free and can retire whenever I feel like it.

I turned 40 at the start of the year.
I look better than ever, I'm more confident, my child is at uni so I have more free time to focus on work/fun
Got divorced last year and am very much enjoying dating

Your sixties sound like mine were supposed to be! Congratulations, keep having fun 😀 Can't say I'm loving it but, ffs, it is what it is - we don't go to a Decade Shop with a bulging carrier bag, saying "these sixties aren't what I had in mind, I'd like an exchange".

I'm alive. Lots of people aren't at my age, and I probably don't deserve it following my prior extravagances! The only constant in life is change - I'm still living, so life's still changing. I don't think I'll ever stop being curious about what's next.

I’m coming into that age group (48, & had earlish menopause - HRT for over two years & no periods since I was 43) as is dh.

We’re some of the younger members of our peer group of friends & colleagues but fairly typical in terms of life stresses (aging parents, health worries, teenage/young adult children, career & financial issues) and adverse life events (divorce, bereavement, unemployment, disability). I’d say there is a very clear demarcation between those of our age who’ve chosen to “circle the drain” (as someone so brilliantly described it on mn) & seem to take great pleasure in being miserable & those of us who’ve decided life is short & you make of it what you can - stay as healthy as you possibly can & seek out happiness.

Some things aren’t easier than in your 30s but lots are better … I’m certainly enjoying it a lot more & I bloody well appreciate my life. Sex is better than ever too :) … more time, no more pregnancies/babies & I’m a 100x fitter, thinner & more active than the hard slog of four kids in ten years!

It's really hard to predict at 39 what you're doing to feel like a decade later or what your forties are going to do to you. For me, I had the whole falling off a cliff thing with my hormones at around 45, and I'm still in freefall at 47. Sex used to matter a great deal to me, but now I'm just not bothered about it. My whole identity has shifted. What I enjoy and value is changing rapidly and that's very confusing. Like puberty, as a pp said. I'm at the stage now where I'm realising I can't fight it, even with optimised hrt, and that it's better to let myself fall and see where I land. I don't think it means the end is nigh, but it is definitely the end of one kind of life and hopefully the start of something new too. If I'm no longer appearing to be full of vitality in the bedroom or the pub, well, pfff. I'm doing things I value more!

Hmmm interesting, I didn't want sex any more after I hit the menopause and my exH wanted loads of it so we split. His choice
He thought the grass was greener but 5 years later he is absolutely miserable - I on the other hand am flourishing. I'm having a great life.
He wants to come back, wants to have counselling is sorry etc ad nauseam.
I don't want him back, I'm living my best life without him.
That's the trouble with people thinking the grass is greener - it usually isn't.

I'd say it was finance dependant. We'd hope, by our late 40s to be financially sorted, mortgage looking at coming to an end, no longer having to shell out huge amounts for childcare etc, earning potential maximised.

It's taken me until my early 60's to have a house mortgage free (and only because my parents left me enough to be able to buy one), able to go down to part time working in the day job and successful enough at the side gig to have disposable income. Through my 40's and 50's it was completely hand-to-mouth and desperation about how I was going to afford to keep a roof over my head.

So I'm only now able to devote the time to maintaining my fitness and hobbies and the disposable income to be able to travel and not work full time. If I'd been here at 40, I'd have felt very differently.

Absolute load of bollocks, my 40's & 50 odd now have probably been the happiest years in my life.

Im mid forties now and I’m very much looking forward to an emptying nest; feeling squeezed every way right now. I imagine life stages, pressures and experiences play a role in how you view aging.

I’m always seeing groups of older women laughing, and looking like they’re enjoying life. Future looks bright to me.

I’ve nursed my df through ill health to his death and there’s lots of living to be done before I’ll consider myself past it or old.

I think that the loudest voices are the unhappy ones. They aren't majority, they just have a lot to say. & are uninhibited in saying it.

People who are content don't have much to say. Esp. in British culture, where gloating is so frowned upon. Stiff upper lip culture is very long gone; in fact, bottling up your unhappiness is itself increasingly unacceptable.

So I'm American & we overshare & wallow in our own feelings: fair enough. We also believe fervently in optimism & taking / making opportunities. I don't encounter a lot of agile thinking on MN about making most of opportunities. Resilience & shrugging is under-encouraged here, even condemned as inviting abusive treatment. People IRL are more stoic & less moany than MNers.

fwiw, aging is treating me more nicely than it did my parents. I am a resolutely stubbornly much more glass-half-full person anyway.

Hit 41 suddenly didn't NEED a man. If he turns up and i want him he's gonna be awesome, as far as other men go not bothered.
Will not be settling and I understand how that seems like Women over 40 won't have a relationship, I wanna be swept off my feet or not bother.
I'm happy with not bother

Well I must be in the minority then, 49 and horny as hell and up for it const, with a guy in his early 50s that can keep up with me. There seems to be some idea that women my age just want to take up knitting and avoid intimacy... Certainly not my experience at all.

I don't recognise this at all. I'm mid-50's, been perimenopausal for around 5 years, on hrt and I'm having the best sex of my life. I've got plenty of energy, I run 5k every morning, work long hours (own business). I still feel like a twenty year old most of the time, but without all of the angst that goes with it. Anyone who says life is over at 40 is doing it wrong imo.

I’m 60 and loving life. I was such an arrogant tosser in my 20s and 30s, frazzled in my 40s, but once I hit 50 I found the time, strength and money to be me and to like me. I’ve now lost both DPs and am more aware of my health than ever before, so focusing on maintaining that is key, and on the things that enrich my life: dog, adult DC, work. Friends, not so much. Hobbies, meh. Sex - yeah, it’s great! But I do think I’ve been lucky to date, as my finances have never been dire and menopause came and went without me noticing. I’m acutely aware luck can turn though, so I live pretty much for today whilst preserving a financial buffer in case it all goes tits up.

I am happier having turned 40 last year than in my 30's. That's because I spent my 30's pregnant, giving birth, raising babies/toddlers whilst also trying to hold down a job. I had no money. I literally didn't have a pot to piss in. The youngest has since turned 4 and a half, I've picked up my professional career again, I'm earing a decent salary, I'm sleeping better, I can see the results of all my hard graft as the kids are growing into lovely little people and I'm feeling I've climbed a big fucking hill and am now more or less at the top. Age has fuck all to do with the number, it's ALL about the stage of life you're at and your personal circumstances.

Fucks sake! I turn 40 tomorrow, is it going to be a sudden thing or a bit more gradual?

Sorry I meant to say "happiness has fuck all to do with the age." The other observation, is that I know people in their 60's who look and act like they're in their 80's. And I know people in their 80's who are the life and soul of the party, and stay up later than me of an evening. They also don't look or act like they're in their 80's. How you choose to live and think and act, and the things you choose to do with your time are MASSIVE contributors to how you define yourself

You manifest your reality OP

@RudsyFarmer ha- I so agree- but I know many will not!! I think the main issues tend to be when your libido has upped and left (and you aren't that bothered) but your partners hasn't (and he is bothered)

I looked great in my forties, easily looked early thirties. I had my children in my early forties. It was probably my best decade as far as looks and self confidence went.

Every decade is different, from the moment you're born until you die of old age. The start is the start, and the end is the end. Everything else is just a stage, and has its advantages and disadvantages. Make of it what you will, but don't let a forum decide for you whether you're old or not.

Maybe people like raising their children?

I'm in peri. Always used to cold, now I'm much warmer, my skin always used to be greasy now it's not, I used to be quite needy now I don't give a shit. I absolutely cannot wait for my periods to stop either. Bring it on I say.