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Relationships

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Original poster

No proposal, 6 years, a child together

45 replies

Motherduck9 · 26/05/2023 08:27

It’s getting so boring now. Every 6 months I convince myself it will happen within the next 6 months. He is divorced and it wasn’t great but we are 6 years and a whole family together on. We have older children separately and I want us to officially unite as a family. On a day to day our relationship is great but as the years are going on I am getting more and more upset about the delay. Then we argue about it and he gets annoyed and says “some people don’t get married for 10 years” but he knows that’s not what I ever wanted and he agreed it would of happened by now when we spoke about it over the last few years. I feel like it’s going to cause us to break up which is ridiculous but it’s really bothering me. We clearly don’t have the same version of happy endings and what’s important to us.

OP posts:

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/05/2023 08:28

Honestly? You’ve had a child and live with him… he’s not going to bother as he doesn’t feel he needs to.

orangegato · 26/05/2023 08:29

What would marriage change? Some people aren’t arsed about marriage.

openstop · 26/05/2023 08:31

If you want to get married ask him to marry you. And set a date and get on with it. If he says no then you have to decide if you want to carry on or leave.

sparklefresh · 26/05/2023 08:32

openstop · 26/05/2023 08:31

If you want to get married ask him to marry you. And set a date and get on with it. If he says no then you have to decide if you want to carry on or leave.

This.

Pteryl · 26/05/2023 08:33

It doesn’t sound like he wants to get married. You’re being honest and saying you want to get married now, he’s being honest by saying he doesn’t. I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, you just have different expectations. You can’t force someone to get married, so you need to decide whether you would prefer to be unmarried and together or leave.

Livinghappy · 26/05/2023 08:34

What's the finance situation between you? A reluctance to marry after a previous divorce is usually finance related.

Butterfly44 · 26/05/2023 08:35

You've got another thread going about this too. So seems your partner is wealthy. And you live in his house with no contributions. You've another property of your own you rent.
Marriage gives financial ties - I'll bet that's why he doesn't want to marry. He's been there before with a divorce.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/05/2023 08:35

Sorry I don’t think he wants to get married.

Are you aware of the implications for you? You need to work on protecting yourself if you choose to stay with him.

The alternative is to leave

Apolli · 26/05/2023 08:38

I think once you get to this stage it's not going to happen. He clearly doesn't want to marry you as painful as that must be. If he did it now it would be tainted as you'd have pushed him into it. You really need to focus on protecting yourself legally. You need to think about the house, pensions, wills etc.

ChrisPPancake · 26/05/2023 08:40

Why are you waiting for him to propose? Why not propose to him? If he says no then you need to choose to stay with him unmarried or leave.

ChrisPPancake · 26/05/2023 08:41

Butterfly44 · 26/05/2023 08:35

Oh. Wasn't aware of the back story. Agree that's probably why he hasn't asked you yet.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/05/2023 08:41

I didn't realise you had a different ongoing thread. After reading that one he won't marry you. Marriage would give you rights over his wealth.

YouAreNotBatman · 26/05/2023 08:48

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/05/2023 08:28

Honestly? You’ve had a child and live with him… he’s not going to bother as he doesn’t feel he needs to.

This one here.

You gave it all to him. For free (living together, sex, I’m assuming you’re doing most of the chores, kids - bet they have his last name too) why would any man risk a divorce, if they already got it without possible legal problems.
It would be stupid of him.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/05/2023 08:54

You've gone about this all the wrong way from the start by the sounds of it and have no cards left to play.

If you were a previously divorced wealthy man would you marry you?

Fmlgirl · 26/05/2023 09:02

We are engaged and the reason I’m not that fussed to get married is honestly because I’m the much higher earner. I contribute more financially right now of course but I know that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce so the odds aren’t good.

holaholiday · 26/05/2023 10:10

Why don’t you go for relationship counselling, at least you might get some clarity on his thinking and vice versa and perhaps the counsellor could help you both to come to some sort of agreement either way….otherwise this is the sort of situation that slowly poisons a relationship .This is why I’d never have a child with someone first as marriage is very important to me but not everyone thinks this way (and I can imagine not many acrimoniously divorced, wealthy men do!)

holaholiday · 26/05/2023 10:13

I think you mentioned on your other thread about the house…if he dies this will be inherited by his children in equal halves unless he makes other provision in a will ( and this is the most tax efficient way as his children can inherit without inheritance tax up to a certain value)

Paperbagsaremine · 26/05/2023 10:21

Also, it won't "unite you as a family'.
Step relationships are only ever as good as the personal interactions that underpin them. Marriage really is just a piece of paper there.

My step dad of thirteen years cheated on my mother and left and we never saw him again from that day on. Whereas I see various never-married "out-laws" as family because we all get on and act like family.

What PPs are saying about financial security for you is very true though, and that's reason enough.

BodyKeepingScore · 26/05/2023 10:26

It doesn't sound like marriage is a priority for him, or even that he wants to get married. I'd consider the very real possibility that if you push the issue, the relationship will break down. So I guess you have to think about whether marriage is so important to you that you might have to sacrifice a committed relationship if you want it. To me, it's the same as having a child together... if one partner doesn't want it then it simply can't happen. It's up to the partner who does want it to decide whether that's a sacrifice they're prepared to make. I'm usually a fan of compromise in a relationship but when it comes to marriage or babies, if someone doesn't want it, then it's not usually in anyone's interest to force the issue. It will only end in resentment

Anaemiafog · 26/05/2023 10:30

DD is getting married next year after ten years but and it's a big but they were young when they met, are equal financially and want to try to start a family.
It seems like you gave away any power you might have by having a child outside of marriage. If the tables were turned (reading your back story) the advice would be not to marry you. He'd be mad to given your financial situations.

Thebigblueballoon · 26/05/2023 10:37

You have to ask yourself why you’re so desperate to get married? “Unite the family” or whatever is a load of bollocks. You live together and have a child, you’re already a “united” family unit. If he’s previously had an unpleasant divorce, it’s probably put him off for life. If this is causing massive, ongoing issues in your relationship, this is probably worrying him even further. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, I guess you have to sit him down and tell him so. Don’t expect a happy ending though.

Dacadactyl · 26/05/2023 10:44

I was in your shoes with a child before marriage, but wanted to get married after she came along. My now DH wanted to be sure (we were only together 5 months when i got pregnant, so he was being sensible tbh. DD was 3.5 when we got married in the end).

I had a date in my mind when I was going to leave him by if there was no proposal and I'd have stuck with it. However, I was a SAHM at the time and only just 25 when we got married. I wouldn't have wanted to leave, but I wasn't going to jeopardise my long term prospects (both romantic and financial) on him if he wasn't prepared to marry me.

You need to think about your work/housing/romantic future and go from there. You may need to give an ultimatum, but whether you want to or not is a different matter.

Velvian · 26/05/2023 10:48

Does the DC already have his name?

Dacadactyl · 26/05/2023 10:49

@Velvian good point. I gave DD my surname. We re-registered her birth with his surname after we got married.

mummymeister · 26/05/2023 10:50

Reading both of your posts together its clear for financial reasons he isnt going to marry you and why should he. He has everything he wants, someone to look after the home and family, a companion, sex etc and of course if it all goes tits up then he wont lose as much money so its a win win for him. you have to make a decision as to how important this is to you. if it is the most important thing (and from a financial security reason I think it should be) then sit down together alone and say look I want to be married not to carry on as we are so its shit or get off the pot time as far as our relationship is concerned. we get married in the next year or we split up. give him time to consider it and if its a no then you HAVE to be prepared to carry out your threat and leave. Personally, I just dont get why women ceed all the cards that they hold, move in, do the whole household management thing, have a child and without a ring in sight. it leaves women so incredibly financially vulnerable.

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