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Relationships

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Original poster

No proposal, 6 years, a child together

45 replies

Motherduck9 · 26/05/2023 08:27

It’s getting so boring now. Every 6 months I convince myself it will happen within the next 6 months. He is divorced and it wasn’t great but we are 6 years and a whole family together on. We have older children separately and I want us to officially unite as a family. On a day to day our relationship is great but as the years are going on I am getting more and more upset about the delay. Then we argue about it and he gets annoyed and says “some people don’t get married for 10 years” but he knows that’s not what I ever wanted and he agreed it would of happened by now when we spoke about it over the last few years. I feel like it’s going to cause us to break up which is ridiculous but it’s really bothering me. We clearly don’t have the same version of happy endings and what’s important to us.

OP posts:

Lotsofthings · 26/05/2023 10:56

You have to make sure this doesn’t become an issue for you and drive the two of you apart. I understand you are probably very hurt and offended that he doesn’t want to get married. Have you been married before or would it be your first. Try to enjoy the life you have together, sort out finances, will and life insurance from a practical and business point of view, a financial advisor either separately or together would help.

Snoken · 26/05/2023 10:58

Stop waiting and ask him. That way you will get a definite answer if this is going to happen or not.

I personally don't really see a reason to why he would want to marry though. You both have children separately so regardless of marital status you will never be a completely united family as your kids have other parents too, he's had a bad experience of divorce, apparently he is wealthier than you, you have given him everything he could need from you without marriage. Either stay as you are and make sure you are in a good financial position without him should anything happen or leave and find someone else if the legal status is more important than the person.

Mari9999 · 26/05/2023 11:04

OP, I would imagine he thinks of marriage to you in a risk benefit /benefit calculus . He gains nothing by marrying you and stands to lose a lot should he end up having to divorce you.

From his vantage point marriage makes no real sense.

Banana1979 · 26/05/2023 11:09

He’s been married before n doesn’t wanna do it again
that’s the risk u take when u get someone who is divorced
I would really love to get married one day. My current partner is the fourth also, and I’m not sure that he wants to go through that again. We don’t have any wealth between us at all. I mean social housing he is in social housing
and then he probably wouldn’t wanna get married again, because it was just an absolute nightmare in court according to him

Banana1979 · 26/05/2023 11:10

Sorry, that meant to say divorced, not in the fourth!

Whadda · 26/05/2023 11:13

While it’s not pleasant, the old adage about not needing to buy a cow when you have free milk on tap tends to ring true.

What’s the benefit to him in getting married? He’d be foolish to do it.

Mari9999 · 26/05/2023 11:15

OP, if you really feel the need to be married to this man you can offer to sign a pre-nup prior to marriage . He might be willing to consider marriage , but for him even that might not provide the protection that he needs.

Ask yourself what does he stand to gain in marriage that he does not already have. You already are providing love and companionship and he seems to have no need to create anymore of a family dynamic than already exist. What is surprising is that he agreed to have another child

If you have a pressing need to be married, probably you should start looking for a different partner.

Mischance · 26/05/2023 11:20

It is a bit old-fashioned to be waiting for a proposal - especially after all this time and a child!!

He obviously does not want to get married. If he came out and said this, would you leave him and your child? If not then just stop worrying about it, as long as you have all your financial ducks in a row just in case of a split.

What are you hoping marriage will bring you? - or do you just want a bit of romance?

ActDottie · 26/05/2023 11:23

Yeah I’d just ask him to marry you

Rowthe · 26/05/2023 11:24

You've got no leverage.
You already live with him and have a kid with him.

Apart from leaving him, which you are very unlikely to do, I mean would you really uproot your kids life over this? If everything else is going well?

So decide if you will stay or leave because from your op, he doesnt want to get married.

TheShellBeach · 26/05/2023 11:35

This is a good example of why women who are with men who are wealthier than them should get married before having a child.

DogInATent · 26/05/2023 11:54

Another six months and you still haven't proposed to him.
You evidently don't want it any more than he does.

Lili132 · 27/05/2023 21:24

Whadda · 26/05/2023 11:13

While it’s not pleasant, the old adage about not needing to buy a cow when you have free milk on tap tends to ring true.

What’s the benefit to him in getting married? He’d be foolish to do it.

This is such an outdated idea! People should get married because they want to, because they both want marriage and their values are aligned. It should not be something that women want and and men do just to buy a cow and get the milk! Disgusting.

Dacadactyl · 27/05/2023 21:26

Lili132 · 27/05/2023 21:24

Show quote history

The point is that he doesn't "have" to get married because he's getting all the benefits (milk) without having to bother himself.

This bothers the OP, so the adage rings true. Different if she wasn't concerned about getting married, but she is.

GreenClock · 27/05/2023 21:34

If he were your best friend, would you advise him to marry someone less wealthy than he is? Probably not, because that would be a foolish move on his part.

He is protecting his interests and those of his children, which is fair enough.

You need to protect your own interests too. Work on your career, pay into a pension, save money every month. This will be more fruitful than obsessing about a marriage proposal that will be unforthcoming.

Ginger1982 · 27/05/2023 21:46

He's not going to marry you.

TheShellBeach · 28/05/2023 10:05

Lili132 · 27/05/2023 21:24

Show quote history

You're missing the point.
Women with children need the legal protection of marriage in the event that the man ends the relationship. Well, only if the man is the higher earner, to be fair, which is the case here.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 28/05/2023 10:08

TheShellBeach · 28/05/2023 10:05

Show quote history

Exactly. The man would be stupid to marry in this case… so he won’t.

He doesn’t need to, and only stands to lose financially if he does.

Outdated or not, that’s the facts.

Whadda · 29/05/2023 22:03

Lili132 · 27/05/2023 21:24

Show quote history

The meaning of this had obviously gone over your head.

In this case, it’s perfectly true. There is zero incentive here for this many to marry and potentially lose some of his assets. He has all the benefits of a wife without any of the risk.

He would be stupid to get married given it won’t benefit him, and he obviously doesn’t see his girlfriend being happy and secure as a benefit.

DisquietintheRanks · 29/05/2023 22:11

So you ask him to marry you. Then at least you'll know one way or the other.

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