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Original poster

Help me stay cool

39 replies

AnyaMarx · 26/05/2023 03:00

So after a long spell as a single woman. ....

A guy who I always had a spark with at work is now single

We worked closely together and well

I refused to ever get involved as he was married .
(He's a bugger and he tried but he did say he and th wife lived separately but I said well fine - when you're single come back to me and I'll consider it !)

He's now single . Getting a divorce and selling the house . He retired from the job I do 2 years ago. He's got in touch and we gonna date but he's said he isn't ready for a relationship and that's fine cos I'm a perfectly happy happy happy single ! I have a massively full life .

He said he wasn't promising to be a couple and I said fine ! I dont want a relationship! My life is full to the brim of amazing things and friends!

Then he was like oh right we'll if you need a plus one ....

Mmmm. That's a bit more than fwb isn't it ?

He's really sociable , like me , a real people person . Very funny . Very likeable . I've said I'm really fine with a kind and f FWB arrangement. I'm not looking for a relationship.

Now this is a change for me - this is the first time in my life I'm truly happy single . So I need to keep it that way .
We were gonna hook up Monday then he rang me and said let's make it a proper date - he's taking me out .

He's lovely , funny , people oriented, nice looking , fit ,

How do I keep distance . He said he's been trying with me for 8 years and yep - he has - but he was married so I swerved ! I've said let's hook up, have fun , and keep it like that .
He was like "omg I love you already " cos he isn't ready for a relationship and I can tell that he told me he tried online dating but backed off - - he got a bit emotional when we talked about his marriage ending - he's a fantastic musician and when he got emotional about the piano I always felt something for him - he's so sweet .

I'm 4 years ahead of him in the single stakes . I love my life . My single life . But I do miss intimacy. So we're gonna
Hook up and he's the one who
Suggested a date ......

I do NOT want to lose my head . I do not want to get attached . I think I can do this - now I'm at the stage of life I feel this could
Work for me .

But I've never ever had a casual relationship before. Is it easy to maintain ? I like him , fancy him , trust him . ( we worked very closely and he was mr chivalry at times - we were police officers and he melted my heart a couple of times when we were double crewed and he stood up for me - one guy was getting in my face nd aggressive and he stood in front of me and told the bloke if he didn't back off talking to me like shit he was getting locked up !). I didn't need it but it did warm the cockles of my heart a bit I admit! I like him .

How do I maintain distance . I don't want more . He says he doesn't either . I feel the reason he likes me right now is because I'm so unavailable.

OP posts:
ReturnfromtheStars · 26/05/2023 07:47

Just go with the flow and enjoy 🙂 Great you managed to stay away while he was married, you are someone who can keep boundaries you will be fine!

Have fun.

YoSof · 26/05/2023 07:52

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you’re ok with casual. You are massively overthinking everything he’s doing and analysing what he says and what it means.

Be careful OP, he was married and trying to cheat? I would swerve this one but it’s up to you. Don’t get hurt.

Aprilx · 26/05/2023 08:00

If you want to maintain distance don’t meet up with him. It doesn’t sound like you do want distance though, it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you do.

supercali77 · 26/05/2023 08:05

I wouldnt tbh. He's straight out of marriage, he's not ready for anything more, that's probably going to remain the case for a good while. You're further along, 3 years single, you've got the capacity and readiness to develop feelings or be interested in a relationship. I think it will end up lopsided. Even asking how do you keep cool is setting yourself up for a mismatch and disappointment. If you can't be free to be not-cool then I think I'd be saying thanks but let's be friends

SavBlancTonight · 26/05/2023 08:07

Sounds to me like he's reeling.you in. Next thing you know you will be cooking amd cleaning and housing him. I would.swetve this myself

Casual is fine but don't be swayed. You want to do.casual, do it. So what if he wants to take.you on a big romantic date. You can say no. You owe him nothing..

DisappearingHelen · 26/05/2023 08:15

Straight out of a marriage and he’s blurring the casual/none casual boundaries already. I predict he will be sowing his wild oats a bit and will fairly unreliable. I’d make sure you understand the concepts of love bombing, breadcrumbing etc before you go anywhere near him as I think he’s at risk of all of those.

the only way I can stay casual in that situ is by dating more than one person at a time (I know mn will disapprove). It helps me keep my head and just enjoy each situation as is. But you know yourself best - what’s going to help you?

and bear in mind he’s got a good chance of messing you around a bit and sleeping with other women. Not cause I think he’s obviously a bad guy (he’s complicated at the least but very few guys have self realisation about being complicated) but because he’s already giving you mixed signals and his head will be messy from divorce and being newly single. So take everything he says with a pinch of salt (but maybe don’t tell him that’s what you’re doing - he’ll get offended).

If his actions consistently follow his words and effort over a sustained period of time you can start to trust him more - until then, just assume, no matter how many flattering things he does and says to you, that this is a casual situation.

and casual can be good. No need for you to do anything you don’t want to (I always avoid boring family situs on his side for example, or doing massive inconvenient favours etc for the casuals).

good luck. Look after yourself.

frozendaisy · 26/05/2023 11:26

Go on one date

Turn down some invitations

Just carry on as you are and meet up the amount you want.

Don't shag him for a bit.

BlastedPimples · 26/05/2023 12:11

I would still swerve him because he pursued you whilst he was still married. That's a 🚩 for a creep.

Original poster
AnyaMarx · 27/05/2023 20:30

We're in our 50s - im not looking for a relationship and im not that bothered about potential red flags because this is goi g to be a casual thing .

It's about company and sex . And not that often - he came in after a work engagement yesterday and while it was nice I was glad when he left and had my own space !

He isn't a potential relationship. It's sex and company .

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 27/05/2023 20:35

If you’re the kind of person who can avoid developing feelings then you’ll be fine. For me I’d really struggle to not develop any feelings so I avoid casual relationships. Though sometimes I think it will be nice to have some sex, and switch off until you see them again. Not possible for me

DelphiniumBlue · 27/05/2023 21:26

Isn't sex and company a relationship? I don't really see the difference in fwb+, and a relationship. I think the only difference is that you are both free to see/ sleep with other people.
He's contacted you. But then says he's not ready for a relationship, what does that even mean? I think you need to be very clear about whether he will be sleeping with anyone else, and how you might feel about that.

Original poster
AnyaMarx · 27/05/2023 23:12

I think it means company and sex without attachment. At least that's how I read it .
And I'm happy with that . I realise I like my own company more than others - small doses is fine .

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 27/05/2023 23:18

You know police officer mentality. He tried to cheat whilst married. Personally I would steer well clear. I was married to a police officer for 20+ years, have lots of policewomen / police wife friends but would not trust any of the men. Just yuk.

Original poster
AnyaMarx · 27/05/2023 23:23

If it was anything more I'd agree - but it's just casual and I'm in a completely different head space these days - I feel ok about it being what it is .

He's nice , nice looking and fun, if I began to get attached I'd end it .
But I just don't think I will get attached.

It's just going to be a bit of fun . And I've not had human contact for a long time . It feels ok as it is - he's definitely single and so I am so I can't see the harm now .

I'm really not wanting more and it seems he feels the same .

OP posts:
Original poster
AnyaMarx · 27/05/2023 23:25

I tried online dating for 3 years and it was abysmal! I deleted all my apps and profiles about 2 months ago and was happy to do so . When you're in your 50s it's slim pickings out there I tell you . So this feels like an arrangement that could work for both of us .

OP posts:
RememberNancyDrew · 28/05/2023 00:59

It sounds like you are already attached to him....

barmycatmum · 28/05/2023 01:22

Seems like you posted in order to enjoy talking about him, since you’ve already made up your mind.

have fun, I guess. Sounds grim and awful to me.

Original poster
AnyaMarx · 28/05/2023 01:27

RememberNancyDrew · 28/05/2023 00:59

It sounds like you are already attached to him....

Nope . Definitely not in a romantic way . Not really my type - and I'm too used to my own space now to embark on a "proper" relationship plus I'm a pain - I'm untidy and leave a trail for f devastation through my house which not many people could tolerate - I like having no one to answer to . A relationship now for me isnt what I want .

OP posts:
Original poster
AnyaMarx · 28/05/2023 01:30

barmycatmum · 28/05/2023 01:22

Seems like you posted in order to enjoy talking about him, since you’ve already made up your mind.

have fun, I guess. Sounds grim and awful to me.

I don't enjoy talking about anyone - and while grim and awful to you I'm guessing you're probably mid 30s , married or coupled and never been an older single woman. ?

I've raised 2 kids , done the whole domestic thing and I don't want that .

If 2 people who are single and not hurting anyone decide to have a fwb arrangement I can't see what harm that's doing to anyone .

I'm quite convinced now I do t need to stay cool because I've realised I want nothing more . Win win for me .

OP posts:
Nobsandnockers · 28/05/2023 01:33

Enjoy!

Original poster
AnyaMarx · 28/05/2023 01:35

Nobsandnockers · 28/05/2023 01:33

Enjoy!

You know what a I fully bloody I tend to
!

OP posts:
Boomshock · 28/05/2023 01:37

But I've never ever had a casual relationship before. Is it easy to maintain ?

It totally depends. Many people have started FWB arrangements convinced they won't get feelings and then they do and they get hurt.

You already know he's a liar, but you talk about him like the sun shines out of him. I'd say there's a high chance you'll catch the feels.

Monty27 · 28/05/2023 01:38

OP I think you know he's lovely and you're scared of falling for him. not the fwb type Hth

Original poster
AnyaMarx · 28/05/2023 02:03

He isn't a liar though- hen he made a lot previously he as married but said he was living separately and for tht reason I said bugger off

The truth is - he was actually living separately but I just wouldn't go there while he was married . He accepted that without pressure.

Yes he's a really happy go lucky people person much as I am so we get along really well and he's lovely looking and fit and he's never ever made bones abkut the fact he liked me or found me attractive. I just wouldn't compromise myself .

But I can't see me falling for him - I just can't . He's not someone I'd see as long term - and I'm now so independent I can't t see anyone maki g me want to give up my lifestyle.
Honestly when he called in the other day he actually said "are you kicking me out ?" Because I'd had enough after an hour of kissing and talking.

Something in me has changed. I'm the most secure in who I am I've ever been . I'm so happy as I am . I feel he would enhance what I have right now not take away from it - and that's the only reason I've said I'll see him . My boundaries are so firm and I've turned down other offers recently because it didn't suit me .

I feel absolutely secure in myself . I've never felt that before. That's the only reason I've agreed to see him . I feel he would probably get attached before I do. If that happens I'd probably ditch .

OP posts:
Boomshock · 28/05/2023 03:45

@AnyaMarx
How long ago was that?

But I can't see me falling for him - I just can't

So why did you start a thread asking for help to stay cool and saying you don't want to lose your head if you're so sure?

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