Can't cope much longer

[TwistedCherry]

I really don't know how this post will pan out as my heads all over the place.

So, I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years. We have a 4 year old DS together. But I believe I'm being mentally and emotionally abused.

She's always putting me down, never says anything nice to me, I always wear the same things e.g. leggings and a baggy mens t-shirt that she usually buys me because they are longer in the body than women's and they 'cover my bum' more than a woman's t-shirt. I'm always told to pull my jumper/t-shirt down to make sure my bum is covered. I'm not allowed any low cut tops.
I can't wear anything to hugging cause it 'doesn't do anything for me'.
An example, few years ago we were going abroad, I went to buy some jumpsuits, she had to come in while I tried them on, I'm not the skinniest person but I quite liked them and thought they'd be comfortable and cool for the holiday. I stupidly asked what she thought and she said 'to be honest, you look a state'.

I have to tell her when I get on the bus to work in the mornings and when I've physically entered my work place. And again on my way home. If I forget, I'm questioned.

I do virtually everything at home, cleaning, cooking, washing up etc I work 6 hours a day she only works 2 and a quarter hours. She expects her tea to be cooked and on the table for when she returns home from work (she's out for a total of 3 hours including travel time) if it's not I'm asked what I've been doing all afternoon. After I've cooked and we've eaten she'll get up and sit on the sofa on her phone leaving me with all the washing up. I don't even bother to ask for help anymore.

My hair is usually up in a hair clip, if I fancy a change one day and put a hair bobble in it for a ponytail I'm questioned again 'why have you got your hair like that. Does someone at work like it?'

I always try to get my PJs on when she's not around, otherwise she says 'do you need a hand' or she'll just come to me anyway and grab my breasts, I hate it and I've made it known before but all I get is 'you're my wife, I should be able to touch you how I like'. Now I just grin and bare it as it saves an argument.

She wants constant affection and I no longer want to give it. I don't want to be anywhere near her anymore. The only time I am truly relaxed and happy is when she's at work. As soon as she's back, I feel my whole body tense up.

I'm called names almost every day. Names like, useless, lazy, psycho, schizo, nutcase, mental case, idiot, fat, saggy. I'm made out to be the bad one and I'm always in the wrong. No matter how I react to this treatment I still end up being the bad one. She never apologizes but then why would she? She's never in the wrong. If she says something about my body, e.g. bingo wings, flabby belly/tyre etc and I say 'oh thanks for that, there's no need to say that, she says 'god sake, I'm only joking, I can't have a joke with you anymore, your too serious and boring'

I had postnatal depression after having DS, she brings this up often, calling me an 'unfit mother' and if I were to ever leave then I'd lose my DS because I'm 'unstable' and 'he'd be better off without me'. I need to go back on my 'happy pills, cause then I'd be a better person' and that I should 'take an overdose'.

Whenever my phone goes off she wants to know who it is, what they're saying and what I reply. I just hand her my phone now as it's just easier.

I literally just do as I'm told now for an easy life and even with doing everything she demands I do, I'm still somehow in the wrong.

I'm at my wit's end 😞

Sorry for such a long post but I needed to get some of it off my chest.

I want to get as far away as I possibly can but I'm scared about taking DS away. If anyone can give me any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. please nice comments only.

And just a little while ago she brought DS back into his bedroom where I already were (me and him co-sleep in his room, as he's got suspected autism and won't sleep alone)
The window was open slightly and I had a small gap in the curtain to allow cool air to come in. When she brings DS back to me, she shuts the curtain and says 'you need to keep the curtain shut l, as people can see in' I just ignored her and once she left the bedroom, I opened the curtain again.

But even something as stupid as that, why she didn't just leave it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also the flats 'in a mess'.
I admit I have neglected it a bit lately but I have a lot on my plate with other stuff. Thing is, it's a mess cause I'm not doing it, something she could do but won't.

Gosh you poor thing. I think you know this is abusive and untenable. You and DS have to leave this relationship behind you. You could either try women’s aid and move out quickly with DS or take your time and make some plans about what you want to do and work towards them ie sort out finances, paperwork, where you may live, possible school changes, benefits you are entitled to etc. perhaps some counselling may help too to build your self esteem. You both deserve so much more

I was sad to read about her behaviour and what you are experiencing.

Not to excuse how she is treating you at all, but poor and unpleasant behaviour like you’ve described can I often be driven by fear.

One option you could have is to tell her how you’re feeling and say you’d like to try couples counselling.

Good luck.

This is abuse and coercive control. It can't continue, for your son's sake but also for yours. Contact a dv support charity when your OH is at work, and tell them everything you've said here. I wish you the best of luck.

That's horrendous. Really bad. You need support.

www.escis.org.uk/advice-and-support/galop-previously-known-as-broken-rainbow-national-helpline/

Or Womens Aid helpline. I don't know which is easier to get through to. But try both.

Please contact Galop, they exist for people like you. https://galop.org.uk/

I have tried talking to her in the past, it's a complete waste of time. All I get is, how I make her feel because I don't show her affection, or I don't want to be intimate with her and how it makes her feel so unloved. I explain it's because of all the things she's said and done to me, she says that XYZ happened a while ago and I should be over it by now. I shouldn't hold grudges and she completely dismisses how I'm feeling. It ends in an argument

May I add that I also have no family, my mum died nearly 5 years ago, I have no relationship with my dad, the only grandparents I had a relationship with have now both died and I don't have the strongest relationship with my sister. I obviously don't have any proper friends, I wouldn't possibly be allowed to have any.

I've been completely isolated. And reading through several threads on here regarding the same issue, it's really opened my eyes to a lot of what's happening to me.

There has been a few times where I've been suicidal, as it seems the easiest option and the pain will stop. But I think about my little boy and I soldier on for him. He is my absolute world and the one thing I've actually got in life. If it weren't for him, I definitely wouldn't be here now.

I want to leave and take my boy with me, but it breaks my heart taking him away from everything he knows and a place he calls home. I suppose when I think about it, that's the reason I've stayed as long as I have.

I'm petrified if I leave with him, she'll somehow get him taken off me. She's said in previous arguments that all she's got to do should I leave, is tell the right people about my post natal depression and how unstable I am and I'd lose him.

Oh gosh, this reminded me of baby Star Hobson. She lived with her mum and step mum. The step mum treated her mum exactly like your partner treats you and it really can escalate. You have no agency

but it breaks my heart taking him away from everything he knows and a place he calls home.

He won’t remember the home. It will be easier for him to not have to grow up in this environment and for his mum to be safe - his new home will be better for him and in time, he will prefer it as the atmosphere will be better and you’ll be safe.

Hi OP,
What s the legal status of your partners relationship with your son?

Are you married? Has she adopted him or does she have oarental responsibility in some other official form.

If your partner has no parental responsibility then I don't think she has any chance of taking your child without your consent.

If your partner tells services that you had postnatal depression or suffer with poor mental health they might get in touch and perhaps see if you need and support. If you are able to care for your child and put them first you have nothing to worry about. Some support such as Homestart or similar might ge something you find useful.

Get to a refuge, the other stuff you can sort out later.

I I can assure you that, like all abusers, she is telling you that she will do what you fear most, which is take your child. She knows that this is bullshit, she is just using the biggest weapon she has to keep you under her control.

This is the helpline for the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. Delete the call after you make it. Keep safe darling xxxx

08082000247

Create a space for yourself eg your commute and start untangling yourself. You need to leave.

Oh and ignore people thinking that because your partner is a woman, you should have counselling or some such. Abusers are abusers regardless of sex and should be kept away from their victims.

If you were posting about a man doing this, they would SCREAMING at you to run.

RUN.

I don’t really have any advice but I’m sorry you are suffering through this.

You need to get out of this relationship. There is nothing worth 'salvaging' and no monetary loss is worth what you are putting up with. You will be so much happier, your self esteem will increase, and you will discover your 'joy' again. You'll make new friends and find new interests. You will be 'you' again, and that will be a very good thing.

You refer to her as 'partner' so I assume you are not legally married. Is there a registered domestic partnership? Does she have parental responsibility for your son, either by adoption or birth registration?

You know, the best thing you can do right now is see a solicitor. I know you aren't married, but you are cohabiting and you need to know what your (and her) rights are, especially wrt your son. Once you have that knowledge, then you can make your plans. And good luck to you!

Hi @TwistedCherry i'm sorry you're going through this 😔 your partner is so wrong for treating you like this.
Could you start making small changes in your life and slowly i think you'll find yourself working your way up to bigger changes and you'll feel so brave for it (which you are already btw).
Sending you lots of strength to get through this xx

Sorry, I should have made myself clear. We are in a civil partnership and she is on the birth certificate.

Looking back through the relationship, there were red flags in the beginning. I just didn't see them. One I remember quite clearly was, we'd only been together a couple of weeks at most and I was living with my parents, had a job and was earning my own money. I'd wanted my belly button pierced for a while, so on a whim went into town and got it done, I loved it. Text her and said I've had something done it's a surprise I'll show you later, when I eventually showed her I was not expecting her response, she went mad, said I should have told her before getting done, she doesn't like surprises and I should be telling her everything now we're together.
Really, I should have walked then but I couldn't see it.

I now have to tell her everything about my day, if I don't tell her something on the day it happened purely because I forget or it's not something that's important anyway she loses it, says why didn't you tell me, I say I forgot, she says how can you forget, what's in your mind that's making you forget to tell me these things. I say it wasn't anything important anyway so I didn't feel I needed to tell you, she says well you should do, we're married, you should tell me everything, you can't have secrets, I say surely I'm allowed some privacy, she says I'm not, there's no privacy when you're in a relationship, it doesn't work like that but you wouldn't know because you've never had a relationship until now (she is my first proper relationship)

When she's left for work, 20 minutes later I'm getting DS from nursery, as soon as I'm in I have to text her to say we're back. Usually when she's at work she'll message asking what I'm up to.

I'm constantly having to think about telling her stuff.
She also domineers her parents, when she's ringing their phone, if they don't pick up within the first couple of rings she hates it and says they never f***g answer. When she tries later and they do answer she greets them with 'oh finally'.
It's like she feels so entitled and like people owe her something.

Her parents won't say anything to her though, when I say to her mum I've had enough of her treatment to me, all I get is just ignore her. It's like everyone is scared of her, including her parents and she gets away with treating people like rubbish.
Her nan was abused by her grandad, her dad does it to her mum and she does it to me, it's like cause they put up with it, I have to as well.

You can choose not to put up with it.

if you were assured it would succeed and turn out well, what would you now choose to do?

If I knew that me and my DS would be absolutely fine and everything would turn out how I've got it in my head, I'd absolutely go in a heartbeat.

It's the first leap that's the hardest.
But I am currently waiting for my financial situation to improve, which is due too.

Providing everything goes according to plan, I should be getting a good amount in inheritance. If all goes well, it should enable me to purchase a property out right but in a completely different part of the country, as house prices are much cheaper where I'm looking rather than where I am.
I would absolutely love nothing more than to be able to do that without her in my life.

I've planned an entire life in my head without her in it, it sounds crazy but it's my escape from reality. A life where I can do what I want, speak to who I want, dress how I want and buy what I want, without being told 'no, don't waste your money'.

I want the life I've got in my head, it's just so hard making it a reality.

What a heartbreaking read.

OP, I can only echo previous replies. This relationship is abusive and your wife is using controlling and coercive behaviour, which is a criminal offence. If you reported it to the police and they took action it is likely that she would be bailed away from you, your son and the family home. I completely understand why you may not feel strong enough to do this.

Is there anywhere else at all that you can go? I agree, your son will not remember anything at all and you could treat it like an adventure for him.

The situation at home is not going to change. She will become more abusive and your mental health will continue to deteriorate. Please, please, take some professional advice xx

I'm not sure how it works with civil partnerships but I would get legal advice to make sure she won't have any entitlement to your inheritance.

I think you know this is abusive. She sounds awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Definitely contact womens aid, they have a helpline and a live chat and they can usually direct you to local support so you can go and speak to someone face to face. They can also help you with leaving, if necessary they can help with housing (such as a refuge or going on the list for council housing) - even if its in a different area. It sounds like relocating would be a really good idea for you.

It seems so hard and overwhelming leaving, I've been in your position. But honestly once you're out of this you'll feel so much lighter. You can do this.

My wife went through this with her ex. She left when her ex tried to strangle her. You have a plan, which is great. You need to leave though. For your son and for your own sake. I hope everything goes OK for you. Sending hugs.

This is awful behaviour. A terrible way for you to live and she’s using your child against you.

1. save every text, every message.
2. Contact Women’s Aid or any of the organisations pp have linked to.
3. Get this behaviour documented somewhere— your GP, your Health Visitor. Start with the words I am being emotionally and verbally abused by my partner. Once you’ve said it it becomes easier. I’ve been there.
4. Plan to leave.

Your son will be fine with you, he won’t be bothered about a new home, a new location as he’ll be with you. NO ONE will remove your child on her say so and documenting what is happening to you now will show what her motives are.

Stay strong, there’s a happier new life out there for you. 💐

And I think it might be more beneficial to leave and dissolve your CP before you inherit. Not sure on the law around CPs but I’m sure there’s someone can advise.