Can't cope much longer

[TwistedCherry]

I really don't know how this post will pan out as my heads all over the place.

So, I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years. We have a 4 year old DS together. But I believe I'm being mentally and emotionally abused.

She's always putting me down, never says anything nice to me, I always wear the same things e.g. leggings and a baggy mens t-shirt that she usually buys me because they are longer in the body than women's and they 'cover my bum' more than a woman's t-shirt. I'm always told to pull my jumper/t-shirt down to make sure my bum is covered. I'm not allowed any low cut tops.
I can't wear anything to hugging cause it 'doesn't do anything for me'.
An example, few years ago we were going abroad, I went to buy some jumpsuits, she had to come in while I tried them on, I'm not the skinniest person but I quite liked them and thought they'd be comfortable and cool for the holiday. I stupidly asked what she thought and she said 'to be honest, you look a state'.

I have to tell her when I get on the bus to work in the mornings and when I've physically entered my work place. And again on my way home. If I forget, I'm questioned.

I do virtually everything at home, cleaning, cooking, washing up etc I work 6 hours a day she only works 2 and a quarter hours. She expects her tea to be cooked and on the table for when she returns home from work (she's out for a total of 3 hours including travel time) if it's not I'm asked what I've been doing all afternoon. After I've cooked and we've eaten she'll get up and sit on the sofa on her phone leaving me with all the washing up. I don't even bother to ask for help anymore.

My hair is usually up in a hair clip, if I fancy a change one day and put a hair bobble in it for a ponytail I'm questioned again 'why have you got your hair like that. Does someone at work like it?'

I always try to get my PJs on when she's not around, otherwise she says 'do you need a hand' or she'll just come to me anyway and grab my breasts, I hate it and I've made it known before but all I get is 'you're my wife, I should be able to touch you how I like'. Now I just grin and bare it as it saves an argument.

She wants constant affection and I no longer want to give it. I don't want to be anywhere near her anymore. The only time I am truly relaxed and happy is when she's at work. As soon as she's back, I feel my whole body tense up.

I'm called names almost every day. Names like, useless, lazy, psycho, schizo, nutcase, mental case, idiot, fat, saggy. I'm made out to be the bad one and I'm always in the wrong. No matter how I react to this treatment I still end up being the bad one. She never apologizes but then why would she? She's never in the wrong. If she says something about my body, e.g. bingo wings, flabby belly/tyre etc and I say 'oh thanks for that, there's no need to say that, she says 'god sake, I'm only joking, I can't have a joke with you anymore, your too serious and boring'

I had postnatal depression after having DS, she brings this up often, calling me an 'unfit mother' and if I were to ever leave then I'd lose my DS because I'm 'unstable' and 'he'd be better off without me'. I need to go back on my 'happy pills, cause then I'd be a better person' and that I should 'take an overdose'.

Whenever my phone goes off she wants to know who it is, what they're saying and what I reply. I just hand her my phone now as it's just easier.

I literally just do as I'm told now for an easy life and even with doing everything she demands I do, I'm still somehow in the wrong.

I'm at my wit's end 😞

Sorry for such a long post but I needed to get some of it off my chest.

I want to get as far away as I possibly can but I'm scared about taking DS away. If anyone can give me any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. please nice comments only.

Oh gosh, my heart goes out to you.

What you have explained and described is mental and emotional abuse. You need to get yourself and your son away from her. You will be doing the best thing for yourself and your son by escaping this toxic relationship and environment you are basically held captive in.

She is telling you she will take your child because she knows this is your biggest fear. She is doing this to control you and to prevent you from leaving.

I would be worried about her having some entitlement to the inheritance coming your way - even if she doesn’t under your CP, she will likely bully you into moving some (all?) of the money into her account.

Just get out of there. Leave when she’s at work. Go to a women’s charity with your son.

The first step is hard but with the prospect of the inheritance windfall you now have a very compelling reason to be brave and take action soon.

The life you’ve described above sounds perfectly possible to achieve but will take some mental toughness on your part.

You’re doing this for your child and so you can be a better parent and a happier person. I can’t think of better reasons!

No. You don't have couples counselling with your abuser

Thay was a difficult read, her treatment of you is absolutely horrific. You can add sexual abuse to the list too - grabbing your breasts when you've made it clear you don't like it.

Counselling is not advised where there's abuse.

I'd have thought it would be best to get out before you get your inheritance. Even if you go to a refuge or something it's got to be better than what you're enduring now - and you know it won't be forever ad you have money coming your way.

Sending lots of strength your way for the difficult next steps.

Couples counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. No decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you together in the same room because of the abuse meted out to you (and in turn your child who will be affected by seeing this). You are not emotionally safe enough to be in any form of joint session with your abuser.

Do contact Galop and or Womens Aid here; they can and will help you leave safely with your child.

Your relationship is abusive and thus over; the civil partnership you have now needs to be dissolved. The situation now is untenable.

Re your comment:

"I want to leave and take my boy with me, but it breaks my heart taking him away from everything he knows and a place he calls home. I suppose when I think about it, that's the reason I've stayed as long as I have"

His home is not the sanctuary it should be and his home is akin to a warzone. Do you want him to grow up thinking that abuse of any type is a normal part of a relationship; no you do not. What do YOU want to teach him about relationships and what is he learning here?. You cannot stay in a relationship, let alone an abusive relationships for the supposed sake of the child; its no reason to remain in an abusive relationship in any case. Its not somehow "easier" for you to stay.

"I'm petrified if I leave with him, she'll somehow get him taken off me. She's said in previous arguments that all she's got to do should I leave, is tell the right people about my post natal depression and how unstable I am and I'd lose him"

Abusive people, regardless of gender, come out often with this sort of bullshit and its designed to keep people in line. Its an empty threat really but it works on the victim so this is why it is said. Fear of your abuser, fear of the unknown and monetary concerns keeps people in abusive relationships but NO obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable. Having had PND is NO basis to take a child off a person.

You're in an abusive relationship, and one that will not improve with time.

What's the situation with the flat? Your her or joint name on the tenancy?

Be careful you don't get so worn down by the day to day bullying that you lose impetus.

@TwistedCherry

I'm going to echo what PP said above. You need to see a solicitor, especially since you are expecting a large inheritance!

People like your partner inevitably become vicious when they lose the victim of their abuse. It takes time and effort to find a new one and then 'groom' them into becoming their willing 'whipping boy/girl' so they don't let go lightly. But you can successfully kick her off your coattails, once you get the information you need.

You need to go 'stealth' right now. Say nothing. Quietly and quickly see a solicitor regarding your inheritance, finances, and child access/maintenance. Pack and hide a 'bug out bag' with clothes, meds, necessities, and some cash in case you decide to make a quick getaway. If you can take important papers (finances, vital records, passports) to a friend's or relative's or even to a locked drawer at your work, do so. If you can't, take copies or pictures of them and keep them safe.

Tell someone. If the reason you have no relationship with your dad or sister is because you have been isolated from them or because you fell out because of your partner, reach out. They may be praying and waiting for your call. If you have old friends you have 'lost', the same applies. Reach out. At best they will support you, but if not you're no worse off than you are now, right?

Don't waste one more minute in this relationship than it takes to make a safe exit. Good luck.

It's not good for your child to watch his mum being treated this way, and her putting up with it.

It is good for your child to show him that if someone behaves this way, walking away is the healthy thing to do.

I wish my mum had left my dad. It would have saved me years of abusive relationships in my own adult life, because I would have been shown that walking away is 'a thing'.

What was your childhood like? Did your parents get on and respect each other? Did they respect you?

I’m so sorry to read your situation.
I echo PP to see a solicitor asap, does she know about the inheritance / how much it would be ? Absolutely needs protecting. I agree with PP re leaving before it comes in, people can get even more unstable with big money involved.

Absolutely shocking behaviour from her. Don’t delay for inheritance or anything else- no excuses. Remove your son and you from this abuse. Don’t allow him to witness it for one more day. She is vile and…you don’t HAVE to do anything she says. Just say no.

Yes, she knows about the inheritance and has straight said she wants to buy a nicer car with it. It's my inheritance.

Just last night. I was getting ready to get to bed and the living room had a few toys all over the place and the curtains were still open a bit. She says in a snappy tone 'cats need feeding' then comes into the kitchen while I'm at the sink, goes to the sink herself and like nudges me out the way, then just goes to bed, leaving me with feeding the cats, closing the curtains and tidying up, I wanted to leave it like it was left and did apart from feeding the cats and closing the curtains and I only did that because I dreaded her kicking of this morning.

When we've had words or arguments before and I need to walk past her in the hallway she'll stay in the middle and not move over so when I walk past she'll knock into me.

As soon as it's safe for me to do so. I'll be ringing a solicitor. Unfortunately I can't do anything this week as we're both off work and we're going away with some of her family. But once she's back to work I'm going to start making small steps into getting out here.

One thing I am worried about though, is if I leave while she's at work when the time comes and I take DS can she get the police involved and get me done for kidnap?

Would you feel comfortable ringing womens aid OP? This is an incredibly controlling and abusive relationship and you need some support. You could wait till she's back at work. I'm so sorry you are going through this, whenever you feel confused or foggy or have a wobble just remember... you are a strong woman, you get up everyday and deal with all this shit. You look after your son and do the majority in the house even when you feel down. That is strength! You are wonder woman. You can do this. Start researching online, ring Rights of Women for advice. You can do this!

Oh just get out. Stop fannying around. This woman is mentally unstable and I'd worry than she would get worse, possibly dangerous.