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Original poster

Would appreciate any advice at all on wether to stay in my relationship. Hard choice.

32 replies

ThePinkQualityStreet · 25/05/2023 20:27

Thank you for clicking to read as I really appreciate it.

I will keep it short to get the main points across:

20 year relationship (not married)
mortgage
3 kids age 8,12,18

he loves me and wants to be together forever.

in the last year (at least) I have completely gone off him other than in a friendship way.
I don’t want to be affectionate, definitely don’t want to have sex with him (but I do have a sex drive)
but he is my best friend.

How do I know wether to end things?
I really can’t see me liking him in the boyfriend/girlfriend way ever again.

however I don’t want to lose him as a friend, I like his friendship and company.
i also worry I will end up alone and not find someone else.
I worry I will regret it.

I don’t want the upheaval of selling the house and telling the kids.

but I am not happy in the relationship way.

he knows and he’s gutted about it.
I have to make a decision.

thank you for any words you can give.

OP posts:
Chocolatesandroses · 25/05/2023 21:02

I think if you feel this way it would be better for you and him to end it . It’s totally not fair to him to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with him in the same way and it’s also not fair to you . Yes it will be very difficult in the beginning as you have been together for a long time but I bet you will feel relieved and wonder why u didn’t do it before .

Ghislainedefeligonde · 25/05/2023 21:24

I’m in a similar situation (though am married) and have told dh I want to separate. We haven’t told kids yet as waiting for ds to finish exams first
I’m sure it’s the right thing to do but equally feel it would be so easy to just stay…

EmmsyS · 25/05/2023 21:25

After 20 years its normal for the spark to have faded. Hopefully there is a bond between you beyond mere friendship and cohabitation.

While I think leaving may be the best option if there is nothing between you anymore I also think leaving should be the absolute last option. 20 years is a lot to throw away just because you are bored. Its good that you are talking to him about this but before you break up try remembering what drew you together and see if there is anyway to bring back the chemistry.

You said that its only in the last year or so that you have gone off him. Ask yourself whats changed in the last year.

If you don’t mind me asking. Is there anyone else that has been catching you eye?

DustyLee123 · 25/05/2023 21:27

How old are you ? I ask as many women feel this way in peri menopause.

Partytastic · 25/05/2023 21:30

Is it just that the spark has gone? Is this is a new thing? Do you fancy other people? (I’m wondering if it’s you or just a this relationship thing).

After all this time and with someone who is your best friend I would give it a year and work hard on dating and trying to get things back on track so you know for definite its doomed unless you think that already?

LadyJ2023 · 25/05/2023 21:47

Lol at the lost spark after 20 years comment well clearly you ain't working at a relationship if you've lost the spark cause if you were you wouldn't lose it

Thehonestybox · 25/05/2023 22:51

Hmm, i would stay. Or at least, try a but more before leaving. You've got a lot of reasons to stay (best friends, an 8 year old, a witness to your last 20 years of life), but the only reason you've given (in your post) to leave is boredom.

It is possible to get the spark back, but you'd need to change something. Could be spending more time apart, or just going a bit more wild, extreme and hedonistic

Frogger8395 · 26/05/2023 01:43

Have you met someone else?

quiettimes · 26/05/2023 01:53

20 years is a lot to throw away just because you are bored.

this is a harsh, loaded comment.

You’re allowed to break up with someone in an unhappy relationship - that’s not “throwing something” away. Not doing so is just being in a loveless marriage for the sake of it. Technically that’s throwing your life away…as you’re missing out on actual happiness?

Sex, attraction and intimacy are a large part of being in a relationship. It is important. It’s a huge distinction from other friendly relationships you may have, and it’s the only relationship you have to experience these things. It’s odd to reduce this to “boredom”. It’s a compatibility issue and that can wreak havoc.

After 20 years, it’s normal for people to substantially grow apart.

neilyoungismyhero · 26/05/2023 02:00

There's some words to an old song ' I don't know where we went wrong, but the feelings gone and I just can't get it back.. ' says it all really..

Ponderingwindow · 26/05/2023 02:07

Sharing your life and a family with your best friend is a good life. Relationships don’t have to be about that spark, they can be about companionship and about the shared goal of raising children. If you refocus on your relationship, you may even find a way to bring back some of the romantic feelings. Relationships have high and low points, you have to work through them to make them last.

SunflowerTed · 26/05/2023 04:17

LadyJ2023 · 25/05/2023 21:47

Lol at the lost spark after 20 years comment well clearly you ain't working at a relationship if you've lost the spark cause if you were you wouldn't lose it

Agreed. Been with my husband 15years and always a spark

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/05/2023 04:47

I don’t want to tell you what to do one way or another. It really does have to be your decision whether you remain in the relationship or end it.

But, I do think it’s worth considering how you would feel if you didn’t manage to find a new relationship with a decent man, where there is sexual chemistry and he treats you well and you are compatible in other ways.

There is no guarantee that you will find a new relationship that makes you happy. You might, but you might not.

Would you be content with remaining single?

Original poster
ThePinkQualityStreet · 26/05/2023 06:13

Thank you for your replies. It’s good to get this off my chest as I haven’t told anyone in real life (other than him)

in answer to some questions.

no there is no one else (I sometimes think that would make this easier if there was)

do I fancy other people- yes I do. From afar. No one who I speak to. (Forming crushes on strangers I would say)

I wouldn’t cheat. My dad did it to my mum and it was an awful time.

and to clarify- this isn’t through boredom. I have lost all feelings ‘in that way’ for him. I wish they would come back but they’re not.

we are both 40.

peri-menopause: I will read up on the symptoms.

I am finding this very tough to decide :-(

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 26/05/2023 06:18

If you have told him I think it's a bit cruel to stay, unless you plan on investing in the relationship with counselling and effort to get that spark back.

Chispazo · 26/05/2023 06:19

I'm single and happy so to me it seems obvious, yes, leave. Staying in a relationship you don't want is madness. Will he screw you financially though? Will you be able to afford a place of your own? Have you kept up with your job? Not gone part time for example. Good luck.

ZekeZeke · 26/05/2023 06:30

Is the mortgage in joint names?
Are you financially secure? Do you work?

TwilightSkies · 26/05/2023 06:34

Lol at the lost spark after 20 years comment well clearly you ain't working at a relationship if you've lost the spark cause if you were you wouldn't lose it

No need to be smug.

It’s completely NORMAL for relationships to run their course. Being stuck with one person for a lifetime isn’t for everyone. We change so much over our lives, just because someone is right for you when you are 25 doesn’t mean they’ll still be right for you 10/20/30 years later.

SquirrelFan · 26/05/2023 06:54

I'd say stay together for the sake of the children, but I know that's unpopular on Mumsnet. As you say, he's your best friend. I fully advocate leaving in the case of any kind of abuse, but because the 'spark' is gone? No.

Original poster
ThePinkQualityStreet · 26/05/2023 07:04

Both work full time

mortgage in joint names

i think renting a place on my own I can afford but won’t have much left for any luxuries.

if we sold the house I would be more sad about losing that than the relationship I think (I realise that sentence alone is bad)
but also as it would be upheaval for the kids.
the kids don’t know.

it’s such a tough decision.

someone mentioned counselling- any experience on this anyone whose reading?
I could give it a go but I just can’t imagine anything anyone says will make me want to be attracted to/kiss/hug/have sex with him.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 26/05/2023 07:17

Please do read up on the emotional side of peri, and there’s a busy menopause board if you want to post on there too.

SpringleDingle · 26/05/2023 07:21

Another woman here who is starting menopause… now I know it explains lots of odd stuff! If he hasn’t done anything specific to make you lose interest then it doesn’t hurt to get a blood test first to check your hormones….

PaintedEgg · 26/05/2023 07:21

What made you fancy him before? What has changed? Did he change so much physically? Is it a routine / not seeing him "that way" anymore?

acpk55 · 26/05/2023 07:27

if we sold the house I would be more sad about losing that than the relationship I think

just this sentence sums it up really, You are more interested in the things the relationship brings you than your partner

PaminaMozart · 26/05/2023 07:28

I've no experience of this, but you might want to consider counselling with a therapist who specialises in sexual issues. Just for you initially, then perhaps joint?

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