Would appreciate any advice at all on wether to stay in my relationship. Hard choice.

[ThePinkQualityStreet]

Thank you for clicking to read as I really appreciate it.

I will keep it short to get the main points across:

20 year relationship (not married)
mortgage
3 kids age 8,12,18

he loves me and wants to be together forever.

in the last year (at least) I have completely gone off him other than in a friendship way.
I don’t want to be affectionate, definitely don’t want to have sex with him (but I do have a sex drive)
but he is my best friend.

How do I know wether to end things?
I really can’t see me liking him in the boyfriend/girlfriend way ever again.

however I don’t want to lose him as a friend, I like his friendship and company.
i also worry I will end up alone and not find someone else.
I worry I will regret it.

I don’t want the upheaval of selling the house and telling the kids.

but I am not happy in the relationship way.

he knows and he’s gutted about it.
I have to make a decision.

thank you for any words you can give.

I left a happy relationship with a man who really loved me because I came to see him as more of a friend, and later massively regretted it. Sexual desire can really cloud our judgement and can be hugely affected by stress, hormones. If you've been attracted to this man for 20 years and suddenly lost attraction, I would work damn hard and give it time to see if it would come back or if it was just a phase I'm going through before leaving now.
The grass isn't always greener and finding someone you love and who is your best friend is not easy. If you really love him try and give him a chance and try things to spice things up again for you. Honestly, I've been in your shoes, and even now I think leaving that man was one of the worst decisions I ever made. I love my life now, but I've definitely learnt the hard way from that decision. Sexual desire does not equal love.

On MN, the grass is always greener and it's normal for relationships to have a shelf life. The many posts however about loneliness and bemoaning single life/OLD never mind how fucked up posters kids end up cos parents have split suggest otherwise.

Perfectly natural for a relationship to evolve after 20 years into more best friends and co-parents in a home you love and there is much to be said about the love of a good man and father.

Sounds like a peri menopausal mid life crisis.

Have you tried councilling or investing in a life change such as new hobby/ interest with or without your partner?

What about opening up the relationship? Hardly fair on your partner to go without sex, if you have lost that spark for him. Perhaps both of you could find the 'spark' with another in a FWB kind of way with a few ground rules.

in the last year (at least) I have completely gone off him other than in a friendship way.

Why? That's the bit of info you've left out but it's the most important factor.

Has he changed physically? Has his behaviour or treatment of you changed? Or have you changed? Presumably you fancied him enough to marry him and have kids with him so what's different now?

If you've gone off him because your sex life has become stale and he's not as physically attractive - well, after 20 years an element of that is to be expected, but there are many ways to get things back on track. If you've gone off him because he's treated you badly or uncaringly, that's a totally different matter.

If you don't know why you've gone off him, that's not actually a good enough answer. You owe it to him and yourself to do some proper self-reflection to work out what you actually want and why.

How would you feel about seeing him with someone else? If it wouldn’t bother you then let him go.

The decision will effect your children most of all.
In your case I would stay as a family, whatever that is, until the kids are independent. (If you can do so happily.)
You are living with your best friend and your children and providing stability.
Decide to respect each other.
Decide to make the realationship a happy one by doing enjoyable things together and being dependable.
You need to rediscover what does make you happy and find time to do things that matter to you.
Your spouse is not the answer to all your problems of companionship.
Invest in a flat so that in ten years time the two of you can have options of separate living arrangements; maintain creating family wealth.

Thing is - life without your spouse and kids becomes very complicated and not necessarily better. You need to make the life you lead now happier and more fulfilling.

Just another person saying peri menopause. it seriously messes you up in a way I was completely unprepared for. huge mood swings and feeling real hatred at times then looking in the mirror and wondering who I was and what the next years would hold. Go to your GP take a test and see if it is. if it isnt then think really hard about the pros and cons of leaving.

Tread carefully OP. Sometimes you don't know what you've lost until you lose it.
Sex and attraction are great, but they're always stronger at the start of a relationship. Eventually it gets replaced (as it should) with true friendship and companionship, a different type of attraction but many people see this as a bad thing.

I see so many women, especially on here who completely rip apart their own and their children's lives to seek this 'lust' and excitement feeling again. It turns out well for some, but is it worth it? Really?