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Original poster

Worried about my husband

27 replies

Mumma2Ro · 25/05/2023 06:05

Hey! So the last few weeks my husband hasn’t been himself…..
He seems off with me. Hasn’t been affectionate, he hasn’t been kissing me hello/good bye, hasn’t been saying love you. We’ve had sex twice in 3 weeks which is very unusual for us. He usually always wants sex but not lately!
things just feel awkward between us and I don’t know why…..
most nights we usually sit down and watch tv together. But lately he has been in his office working late or colouring in.
I feel like he is avoiding spending time with me.
Ive asked him what’s going on and if he is okay etc. he says he doesn’t feel himself atm, he isn’t sure why and he can’t put his finger on it.
says he doesn’t feel depressed, just a bit ‘off’ and like he is in auto pilot- what does that even mean!?
i’ve told him I am here for him, when he needs to chat and told him I’m here to help in anyway I can.
But I am concerned!! Any advice welcome 😔

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 25/05/2023 06:14

People usually respond to these threads saying there will be another woman and, I'm sad to say, it usually turns out that there is.

lalalalalalaleeee · 25/05/2023 06:17

Sounds like he could some depression?

TravelDazzle · 25/05/2023 06:38

Without being overly dramatic, it could be that there's another woman.

Another just as likely option is that he is actually depressed but just doesn't realise how much so. Regardless of whether he feels just 'a bit off', he's been like this for weeks, so a trip to the GP would be a good place to start.

Tots678 · 25/05/2023 07:13

Ive asked him what’s going on and if he is okay etc. he says he doesn’t feel himself atm, he isn’t sure why and he can’t put his finger on it.

He can't put his finger on it sounds pretty suspect to me.
If you are depressed I don't think you say 'oh, I can't put my finger on why I'm so down' - he is swithering over what to do next imv

Tots678 · 25/05/2023 07:14

... to add - this is assuming he hasn't been sacked, had a warning at work or some other upsetting event.

Wombastic · 25/05/2023 07:18

Either another woman, depression or he’s had a realisation about you or his life that he doesn’t want to talk about.

Is he actually at work when he says he’s working late?

GreyCarpet · 25/05/2023 07:18

My position is that if it's an issue at work that's causing low mood, you know that. You also know if it's financial worries, or family illness that is likely causing a low mood.

A generalised and out of nowhere 'offness' that you 'can't put your finger on' (or don't want to admit to openly) is often a sign of being unhappy generally with your lot. These feelings only generally come about when something happens to make you aware of that. Like another person.

Some people are prone to depression without any obvious source but it doesn't very often come out of nowhere and is usually a long standing condition.

GreyCarpet · 25/05/2023 07:21

OP, all of your examples are to do with your relationship with him. Are there any signs that he's low with regard to anything else?

I know when I had depression, I couldn't do anything. I wouldn't have even been able to do the colouring in. Everything was too much effort. Nothing interested me.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 25/05/2023 07:34

A generalised and out of nowhere 'offness' that you 'can't put your finger on' (or don't want to admit to openly) is often a sign of being unhappy generally with your lot. These feelings only generally come about when something happens to make you aware of that. Like another person

Yeah. This. He’s taken himself away from you because his eye has wandered.

Could be other things, but I doubt it.

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 25/05/2023 07:36

Thank you all for your replies. We’ve been together for 13 years and he has never not wanted to have sex with me….. so another woman has crossed my mind.
I may suggest a GP appointment to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 25/05/2023 07:37

I went into his office yesterday and glanced at his computer and he was working yes

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 25/05/2023 07:39

Thank you. I really hope it’s not the case of someone coming along has made him realise he is unhappy with me and our life :( I will be devastated

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 25/05/2023 07:41

GreyCarpet · 25/05/2023 07:21

OP, all of your examples are to do with your relationship with him. Are there any signs that he's low with regard to anything else?

I know when I had depression, I couldn't do anything. I wouldn't have even been able to do the colouring in. Everything was too much effort. Nothing interested me.

No. No other signs that I’ve seen that he is low with anything else.
he is working, still great with the kids and the dog etc. doesn’t seem snappy or anything.
still playing darts once a week, his friend is solid over tonight for a couple of beers….

OP posts:
standardduck · 25/05/2023 07:44

Difficult to say, it could be a number of things. My first thought was stress / work burn out / depression? Maybe you can suggest he makes a gp appointment.

ucantmulchthis · 25/05/2023 08:09

If you're the only person he's being different with then there is a strong possibility that he has something on his mind which involves you/your relationship in some way.
The obvious guess is that he's being affected by thoughts about another woman. But it might not be that. It might be a mid-life crisis.

Mehmehmeh666 · 25/05/2023 08:14

My ex behaved like this. Then one day I came home and he said, I'm not in love with you anymore, amd left. That was 6 weeks ago. Best thing he ever did for me was to say that

GreyCarpet · 25/05/2023 08:35

Mumma2Ro · 25/05/2023 07:39

Thank you. I really hope it’s not the case of someone coming along has made him realise he is unhappy with me and our life :( I will be devastated

It doesn't mean he actually is unhappy with your and his lot (I should have been clearer about that!) But maybe something that makes him feel as though he is.

After all, he was perfectly happy with his relationship. Until, suddenly, he wasn't.

If he's still doing other stuff he enjoys, it's unlikely to he depression.

That's what makes me think it's someone else.

When my exh had an affair, one of the main things he said was that she laughed at it stories and I didn't anymore. The truth was he didn't have any crazy madcap stories from the time we were together that we didn't still laugh about. He meant the stories he told me when he first got together of daft things that had happened when he was in his early 20s. Nearly 20 years earlier.

She made him feel fresh and new and young again because of this. It wasn't actually anything to do with me.

GreyCarpet · 25/05/2023 08:35

The obvious guess is that he's being affected by thoughts about another woman. But it might not be that. It might be a mid-life crisis

These often go hand in hand, unfortunately.

Bookworm20 · 25/05/2023 10:52

From what you've written he seems to be avoiding you, and intimacy with you. but everything else is quite fine - the kids, the dog, work etc.

Unfortunately it does point to another woman. Doesn't mean anything has happened. Perhaps hes just getting on really well with someone and is struggling with feelings that he may have developed and doesn't know what to do about it. Or perhaps he has crossed the line with someone - could be a one off and feels extremely guilty and is therefore avoiding you.
Or he could be having an actual affair.

I think the only thing you can do is watch and wait. See if he starts to do anything else different, such as dressing nicer to meet his mates, or spending more time on his phone, the usual things.

Could be he is just fed up in general though, but would he usually talk things like that out with you, instead of avoiding you? Could he have got into debt and embarrassed to tell you?

If he won't open up and still avoids you, i'd start snooping a little to be honest.

Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 25/05/2023 14:40

Mehmehmeh666 · 25/05/2023 08:14

My ex behaved like this. Then one day I came home and he said, I'm not in love with you anymore, amd left. That was 6 weeks ago. Best thing he ever did for me was to say that

Only 6 weeks ago!? Wow still very fresh, I hope you’re okay x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 25/05/2023 14:41

GreyCarpet · 25/05/2023 08:35

It doesn't mean he actually is unhappy with your and his lot (I should have been clearer about that!) But maybe something that makes him feel as though he is.

After all, he was perfectly happy with his relationship. Until, suddenly, he wasn't.

If he's still doing other stuff he enjoys, it's unlikely to he depression.

That's what makes me think it's someone else.

When my exh had an affair, one of the main things he said was that she laughed at it stories and I didn't anymore. The truth was he didn't have any crazy madcap stories from the time we were together that we didn't still laugh about. He meant the stories he told me when he first got together of daft things that had happened when he was in his early 20s. Nearly 20 years earlier.

She made him feel fresh and new and young again because of this. It wasn't actually anything to do with me.

Show quote history

Wow okay. Was it a shock to you ? Was it something you got over or did you remain separated ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma2Ro · 26/05/2023 07:34

I’m so unsure of how I should be acting now. Do I try and act normally even though my husband isn’t ?
do I give him his space and wait until he wants to talk? I was in tears last night, i miss him so much and he hasn’t even gone anywhere :,(

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 26/05/2023 17:19

@Mumma2Ro I’m sorry but that all points to another woman. Not necessarily an affair but someone he’s caught enough feelings for to be confused by. A Family member has been through this exact scenario recently where he said the same type of things to her, he denied and denied there was anyone else until one of their kids saw messages on his phone between him and a woman at work clearly having an affair.

MsDogLady · 26/05/2023 19:20

Mumma, of course you feel unsettled. Your H has suddenly withdrawn his affection and presence from you, but is functioning normally with everyone else and at work. The distance he has created is likely due to an OW.

You need answers. In your shoes, I’d be investigating his phone, phone records, card statements, pockets, and anything else that could provide clues as to what’s going on. I hope you can get to the bottom of this, Mumma.

Muncha · 26/05/2023 19:40

I would start searching