Boyfriend’s libido

Mardybum71 · 2023-05-25T03:19:17+00:00

First post. Not sure where to go. My partner and I have been together for almost six years, living together for nearly four. Since moving in he has lost all interest in sex. It’s been almost 2 years since we last tried and it’s breaking my heart. There is no intimacy, he barely ever touches me unless he’s tipsy and I’m becoming more and more withdrawn and sad. I’ve raised this (not regularly because it usually leads to stress and upset) and he tells me loss of libido is entirely normal for his age and there’s nothing he can do or wants to do about it, despite acknowledging that I am struggling. He’s nearly 50 and I’m 52. Tonight I suggested couples counselling and it led to an argument and bitterness from him about my own behaviour and our communication issues. He said in the end we should do it, but I shouldn’t expect it to lead to success when it comes to his sex drive. I don’t know what to do. I can’t speak to anyone about it because it’s such a private issue. I love him. We have good jobs, we share interests, we laugh together, there is 100% trust, but I’m aware I’m becoming resentful that he doesn’t seem to want to fix it. I guess I’m wondering if this is it, and I should just be happy with the positive stuff, despite feeling so very sad and rejected. Just looking for a check in with someone who might have been through the same, to see how they coped. Thank you

WonkyPicture · 25/05/2023 04:24

My husband has had erectile dysfunction for the past 3 years, he's 52. Don't be fooled by him not wanting to do anything about it. My husband just left me for someone else. If they're removing intimacy from you, they're creating it with someone else.

Oopsiedaisyy · 25/05/2023 04:48

His age is not the issue, my DP is 51, we have sex between 1 to 3 times daily

DustyLee123 · 25/05/2023 07:55

My DH started with it in his 50’s but he was also on antidepressants.
If he won’t try and solve the problem, like trying Viagra, then he doesn’t care enough and you’d be well within your rights to move on as sex is important to you still.

Seaoftroubles · 25/05/2023 07:55

Before counselling the first step should be for him to see a doctor and have some tests to rule out low testosterone or any other medical issues. He sounds very negative about regaining his libido, but 51 is hardly old! The fact he is entirely uninterested in fixing it, despite knowing your are upset about it, shows he doesn't really care about your feelings so no wonder you feel sad and rejected.

DustyLee123 · 25/05/2023 07:55

Does he use porn ?

PaterPower · 25/05/2023 08:24

Is he very overweight? Does he have any other issues like needing to get up several times to pee at night, and/or waking up extremely thirsty, and/or falling asleep during the day?

If any of those ring true he should go and get a blood test at the GP. They’ll check for testosterone levels at the same time, but they could be symptoms of type 2 diabetes, which could have much bigger consequences for him than ED / lack of sex drive.

Even if he’s ‘just’ overweight, losing the extra lbs should kickstart his libido.

Original poster

Mardybum71 · 25/05/2023 09:40

Thanks all, some of this is helpful. In answer to some questions, no he doesn’t use porn and I’m sure he’s not finding sex elsewhere. He’s just not got the energy and I believe he’s an honest person.

He works from home 80% of the time. He has put on weight in recent years (we both have) and naps most days, being in a stressful job and having historical anxiety issues. Current medication for high blood pressure and use of propanalol when needed. He’s not spoken to the GP about this particular issue and seems reluctant to do so.

Basically, I struggle to express my needs and he doesn’t, so it builds up for me. Earlier this year, a discussion we had ended up with me asking my GP for sertraline, which if I’m honest, I don’t need - I just came away from our discussion believing i needed to fix my reaction to the situation. I guess I need to work out if I want a platonic relationship and work through this in couples counselling.

OP posts:

DuringDuran · 25/05/2023 11:14

Saying that if your partner can do something at 51 doesn't mean the entire planet had to be able to do the same at 51.

Age may indeed be an issue.

Some people can go with a high libido past 60 some see it decline after 40.

There may or may not be porn.

There may or may not be other deeper physical changes or mental changes.

It may be temporary it may be the beginning of a long but steady slope downwards.

Only he knows. As usual communication is key.

acpk55 · 25/05/2023 11:37

Age may or may not be an issue, testosterone will decrease at different rates for different men, but weight, stress , high BP & Propranolol will probably kill the desire / sex drive

PaterPower · 25/05/2023 11:48

Push him to get his bloods checked (although I’d be surprised if the surgery aren’t doing it fairly regularly anyway, given the existing weight and BP issues).

Don’t sell it as in relation to his libido - tell him you’re concerned for his general health / potential for diabetes (which he sounds like he’s pushing toward).

He shouldn’t need to be taking naps during the day at the age of 50. I’m around his age and was doing that (constantly felt fatigued). A big change in diet helped massively (plus slow release insulin for the type 2 it turned out I’d developed).

DustyLee123 · 25/05/2023 12:06

Is he drinking ? One of the reasons I gave up was the crushing fatigue in the afternoon after.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 25/05/2023 12:12

You don't need to change your outlook on this subject, although the lack of intimacy might be causing depression.

If he's happy with the status quo and not will ing to visit a gp or speak to anyone freely, without you forcing him then you need to have a long hard think about if this is what you want for a relationship. It's either a live with, or leave situation if he's not willing to try

guineacup · 25/05/2023 12:13

Oopsiedaisyy · 25/05/2023 04:48

His age is not the issue, my DP is 51, we have sex between 1 to 3 times daily

I'm not sure if I'm jealous or not of this. Part of me is, but despite having a decent libido, I know when I've had sex at that frequency when I was younger it was a bit "yes, I love sex, but I'm not sure I've already done it twice today, and i'm feeling satisfied not horny!"

As for age, there's no doubt that for most men, their libido will be noticeably lower at 51 than it was at 21... some will retain it at the level they had in their 20s like you, most will experience some decline, some will have lost it entirely, but to say it has nothing to do with age and it's impacts is wrong.

guineacup · 25/05/2023 12:15

some will retain it at the level they had in their 20s like you,

Actually even those that can go 3 times a day at 50 have lost some of their mojo... they were probably 5 times a nighters in their 20s!

Thesharkradar · 25/05/2023 12:16

I think you'll just have to accept that he's not really up for it, if you don't want to say goodbye to that part of yourself then you'll have to look at your options, it's very difficult 😣

Original poster

Mardybum71 · 25/05/2023 17:58

guineacup · 25/05/2023 12:13

I'm not sure if I'm jealous or not of this. Part of me is, but despite having a decent libido, I know when I've had sex at that frequency when I was younger it was a bit "yes, I love sex, but I'm not sure I've already done it twice today, and i'm feeling satisfied not horny!"

As for age, there's no doubt that for most men, their libido will be noticeably lower at 51 than it was at 21... some will retain it at the level they had in their 20s like you, most will experience some decline, some will have lost it entirely, but to say it has nothing to do with age and it's impacts is wrong.

Show quote history

Jealous? It scared the life out of me 😂

OP posts:

HT56 · 25/05/2023 18:43

I think the combination of drugs, being overweight, stress and the like can kill libido completely. If he isn’t bothered by it then it is up to you whether you stay and accept and leave as you can’t accept it. He has told you where he sits so it’s your decision now.

Thistlelass · 26/05/2023 01:04

Mardybum71 · 25/05/2023 09:40

Thanks all, some of this is helpful. In answer to some questions, no he doesn’t use porn and I’m sure he’s not finding sex elsewhere. He’s just not got the energy and I believe he’s an honest person.

He works from home 80% of the time. He has put on weight in recent years (we both have) and naps most days, being in a stressful job and having historical anxiety issues. Current medication for high blood pressure and use of propanalol when needed. He’s not spoken to the GP about this particular issue and seems reluctant to do so.

Basically, I struggle to express my needs and he doesn’t, so it builds up for me. Earlier this year, a discussion we had ended up with me asking my GP for sertraline, which if I’m honest, I don’t need - I just came away from our discussion believing i needed to fix my reaction to the situation. I guess I need to work out if I want a platonic relationship and work through this in couples counselling.

Two things occur to me. Treatment for high blood pressure can result in erectile dysfunction. Also, since he has gained weight and is tired, he maybe should be checkex for hypothyroidism.

CallieQ · 26/05/2023 01:13

Oopsiedaisyy · 25/05/2023 04:48

His age is not the issue, my DP is 51, we have sex between 1 to 3 times daily

How do you find the time

SunflowerTed · 26/05/2023 04:27

Mardybum71 · 25/05/2023 17:58

Jealous? It scared the life out of me 😂

Show quote history

Me too! Why would you want sex 3 times a day?!!!!! 🤣

SunflowerTed · 26/05/2023 04:30

I don’t believe in ultimatums but if he refuses to go to the Doctor to try and fix it I’d suggest some time apart. I’m not suggesting ending it but i don’t think he is giving your feelings enough consideration. You can focus on the positives but if you’re honest with yourself - this relationship is not fulfilling your needs and you will grow more resentful and unhappy unless he at least shows some willingness to solve the problem

LadyH846 · 26/05/2023 05:09

I was with a 56 year old recently who still had a really good libido. I think you lose libido if your health is going downhill.

Aprilx · 26/05/2023 06:09

Oopsiedaisyy · 25/05/2023 04:48

His age is not the issue, my DP is 51, we have sex between 1 to 3 times daily

Dumb comment. You know people are different don’t you.

Whataretheodds · 26/05/2023 06:15

HT56 · 25/05/2023 18:43

I think the combination of drugs, being overweight, stress and the like can kill libido completely. If he isn’t bothered by it then it is up to you whether you stay and accept and leave as you can’t accept it. He has told you where he sits so it’s your decision now.

the combination of drugs, being overweight, stress and the like can kill libido completely

Any one of these could!

I would also find it upsetting that he is not interested in seeking help, either for the above issues or to help rebuild intimacy with you.

An open honest conversation is needed where you tell him what impact it has on you to feel that he doesn't want to take of his health.. Hope you can work it out.

Zanatdy · 26/05/2023 06:23

I wouldn’t automatically blame his age. Guy I was seeing recently we had sex 2-3times overnight when we did see each other. He made a few jokes that he was getting on and he would have had more energy for me 20yrs ago but there was nothing wrong with his sexual performance and I made sure he knew that. Guess he just had more energy 20yrs ago. So this guy can’t just say it’s a normal age thing as plenty of men age 49 having regular sex. He needs to see his GP too as there could be medical reasons which can be fixed with meds. The fact that he hasn’t bothered trying to fix it and knows it upsets you isn’t great.