He's an idiot. To put up and shut up?

[TrinnyMini]

DH is a bit of an idiot. So is his dad. Stupid rude unfunny jokes. Watching TikTok videos of people falling over. Burping. Just saying stuff that is absolutely objectively wrong because he read something on some random website once

Pls don't ask why I married him. Its done. It happened

Would you leave? Could you stay knowing you think he's an idiot. That it is not worth listening to half the stuff that comes out his mouth

He will get the kids 5050. Possibly more as he works part time. I feel sick at that prospect.

Sometimes maybe the mum does have to put up with a bit of unhappiness to prevent greater unhappiness?

Is there anything you like about him?

Oh god yes I’d definitely leave. Life is too short.

Jesus. You've answered your own question really,. What's your sex life like, grim?
Settle bar higher, please.

Left my first husband because he is a fucking moron who u had no respect for.

No kids though luckily.

You say he will get 50/50 would he even want 50/50?

I’m not sure you would be preventing greater unhappiness. My mum doesn’t like my dad for many of the same types of reasons, and we all know it. I cannot tell you how many difficulties me and my sisters have had in relationships because of the modelling of unhealthy relationships that was normal to us. We all wish they had got divorced.

So how long can you put up with it? You've obviously got zero respect for him, and I couldn't criticize you for that. I'd feel the same. How many DC have you got, and what ages? If they're small he may get them 50/50 (although that depends on whether he wants them (and whether he can cope).

It’s literally taken us all until our late 30s / early 40s to recognise the extent to which it has affected us and to make changes.

Depends on why you married him. You must have thought it was a good idea, that the good things outweighed the obvious bad ones. So is that all still the case or has the balanced tipped?

Something has kept you there so far, you can leave at any point, but the background is relevant. You don’t have to share any of this here but maybe write it down and you’ll find some answers.

You obviously don't even like him so leave, there is no point staying when someone annoys you this much

get legal advice. So you can get a realistic idea of what would happen if you split.

as others have said, would he want 50:50 with dc?

@AnneLovesGilbert we spent the first 2 years having lots of fun with friends and working in our careers. Lots of drinking and holidays. He needed me a great deal and is v loyal. I had a violent relationship before and a passive fun guy who was also reliable made me feel amazing

Now we are 40. None of the fun crazy weekends. Lots of quiet evenings. He used to paint, read. Now it's just tiktok and farting.

Sex is mediocre. But I've never had good sex with a functional man.

He would want 5050 I think. He loves being with the kids. He's "silly dad".

I worry the kids would end up being his. I'm the mum who is often working, often sorting stuff out, he's the silly dad who shows them stuff on the Internet.

But also he's not being horrible to me. I don't dread seeing him. I happily sleep next to him. We get on. He helps me.

@Buddercud I'm sorry to hear that. I worry the dysfunction and damage would be worse if we lived apart and he goes from being a loyal idiot to an embittered angry bloke. I do think though that perhaps when the kids are older they'll see the gap between us. Would you really have rather split your time across 2 homes? Possibly with more tension? Less money etc. Thank you for sharing your experience

It’s a good question, and of course I haven’t got the alternative to compare it to, so I can only imagine what it would have looked like. But I remember a work colleague telling me how his parents divorce was such a relief - him and his brother didn’t have to put up with the atmosphere in the home any more. But his parents got on much better when they didn’t live together! I felt envious of him, and imagined a scenario where we had had the same experience.

For an example of how it affected me - I spent years in an unhappy marriage because I thought that was what marriage was. You were unhappy and you pretended it was fine. It was really hard for me to articulate that I was unhappy and to do something about it. In my case, the split has been traumatic for my children, as my ex was very bitter, so I totally understand the desire to avoid that - what I do hope is that it will save them heartbreak as adults because they will not be afraid to say that something isn't working and not let it go on in the way I did.

Errrgh. More fair to all of you to split, I think.

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who actively thought I was an idiot. :(

and you’ll just be stuffing down your impatience / frustration, and that’s not good for your health or well being.

Does he love you?

My husband is giving me the ick currently - horrible smokers cough, snoring, farting constantly, peeing in the loo near the lounge with the door open, sweating at night, drinking too much and being a knob a thinking he is 21 again playing music and dancing like a twat, telling me the same thing again and again, jokes I just don't find funny. I am trying to decide if this is my 50 year old hormones or me having enough as I loved him a lot once and sometimes I can still see why - but it shouldn't be an effort, should it?

If you're torn, do you think couples counselling might help him realise how his behaviour affects you? As in burping and farting openly all the time is just awful manners. He wouldn't do it in front of his boss (I know we all fart etc. I mean deliberately in other people's presence). Rude jokes about people are boorish and negative. Leaving practical/ serious household and parenting tasks to you isn't a fair balance of responsibilities. The ill thought out opinions from the internet are killing conversation. I'm not saying he needs to agree with your every view, it would probably just be so much more attractive if he thought before he spoke.

I'm not at all surprised you've been pushed away and do not blame you for wanting a fresh start free of all this nonsense but I get the impression you might feel better knowing you've tried all you can before making a final decision.

How old are DC? There is something to be said for leaving while they are young- once they get a bit older it can be hard to find a gap between school changes, GCSEs, A levels etc and then before you know it you’ve been married to farty TikTok man your whole life.

It doesn’t sound like a very happy relationship and it doesn’t sound as if you have a lot of respect for one another. You might both be happier apart. I wouldn’t assume he’ll go for 50-50: it’s all v well being fun dad when you have mum there as well to do the boring stuff but once he’s having to do the whole lot he might be a bit less keen.

Unless this is just a passing thought, op. We all have them sometimes. How long have you felt like this? But assuming it’s not a passing thought, can I gently suggest that if you’ve never had good sex with a good partner and your last relationship was violent, your bar might be set a bit low?

Is it a blip? Could you/ would you want to try to get the good times back or are the things that used to make you laugh now getting on your nerves?
You say he works part time, is that something that annoys you, do you feel he’s not pulling his weight around the house? Can you talk to him about things like that, would he be open to change, helping out more?
Maybe sit and write a list about all the pros and cons, decide what has to change and what you can live with.
Don't take this the wrong way but could you be approaching the menopause? Is there anything apart from your DH that could be dragging you down? Finances, kids, stress etc?
I say this as a 50 something woman going through menopause myself, some days I could rip my partners head off for putting a spoon in the wrong place so am really not trying to be patronising. Just think it might be helpful for you to be certain about things before taking any drastic steps and regretting it later.
I left my first husband many years ago for spending too much time with his mates at football, spent 20 years with my kids dad, forgiving him two affairs (that I knew of) before leaving him. My current partner can be downright rude, offensive and quite often a complete embarrassing arse that likes to play up to an audience but he’s never nasty to me. Life’s too short to put up with shit but sometimes it’s better the devil you know.
Think about how you’d manage financially and practically if you did split, I wish I’d left my ex years ago, I did go as far as getting legal advice but with young children I decided it was best to stay put until they were older.

Why would it be awful if he has the kids 50/50?
He’s their Dad and has just as much of a right to spend time with them as you do, so to baulk at the idea of their time being split evenly doesn’t seem particularly fair!

If it was your child in your shoes, Op, what would you want them to do?

If you stick around despite not being happy and not having much respect for your husband, that will show your children that you shoudl stay in a relationship when you're unhappy. Would you be OK with them following your lead and staying an unhappy relationship?

Happier parents make happier children.

@Deathbyfluffy my older boy hates change, and I just don't think it would be good for him to have to split his time across 2 homes. DH absolutely has as much right to them as I do, that's why divorce is so terrifying - the only "fair" solution for the parents doesn't feel v fair on the kids. I wouldn't want 2 bedrooms, 2 homes, being driven back and forth etc. It's unsettling for a 5 year old who hates sleeping away from home.

@Buddercud I think your point about role modelling is absolutely right. My parents weren't happy, v angry dad who would often give the family silent treatment, disappear etc.

It wasn't great. But I would have hated to have to spend 50% of my childhood with my dad alone, his drinking, self pity, not knowing how to talk to me. At least at home I could stick with my mum

But long term its probably the reason I am how I am. And now the cycle continues. I guess there is no completely positive answer

I am glad you were brave enough to make the changes you needed in your life. I don't know but I can't find that strength.

Sounds really hard, op. But if he really is fun, silly dad with the kids he sounds quite different to your dad- are you worried that he’s the more fun one and they’ll prefer him (like you say above) or that he’ll be like your dad was?

What are you getting out of this relationship?.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You do not have to continue this cycle; it can be and infact should be broken. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what did yours teach you?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what.