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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's an idiot. To put up and shut up?

44 replies

TrinnyMini · 24/05/2023 22:25

DH is a bit of an idiot. So is his dad. Stupid rude unfunny jokes. Watching TikTok videos of people falling over. Burping. Just saying stuff that is absolutely objectively wrong because he read something on some random website once

Pls don't ask why I married him. Its done. It happened

Would you leave? Could you stay knowing you think he's an idiot. That it is not worth listening to half the stuff that comes out his mouth

He will get the kids 5050. Possibly more as he works part time. I feel sick at that prospect.

Sometimes maybe the mum does have to put up with a bit of unhappiness to prevent greater unhappiness?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2023 08:26

I would not blithely assume he would want 50/50 either. Such Disney type dads are rarely all that bothered about putting actual parenting work in tending instead to be the weekend fun dad.

gannett · 25/05/2023 09:09

TrinnyMini · 25/05/2023 08:10

@Deathbyfluffy my older boy hates change, and I just don't think it would be good for him to have to split his time across 2 homes. DH absolutely has as much right to them as I do, that's why divorce is so terrifying - the only "fair" solution for the parents doesn't feel v fair on the kids. I wouldn't want 2 bedrooms, 2 homes, being driven back and forth etc. It's unsettling for a 5 year old who hates sleeping away from home.

This whole "stay together for the kids" approach is very short-termist though. Almost always people think of the impact on the kids right now, but never about the impact on the kids as they grow into young adults.

A five-year-old might be sad and struggle to adjust for a few months. But that is temporary and he will have a much better chance of growing into a well-adjusted man with a healthy approach to relationships if he doesn't grow up in a family where his parents don't like or respect each other. And that is permanent.

PrincessMyshkin · 25/05/2023 09:11

Sounds like your childhood was quite tough with your dad's moods (I recognise this. My dad isn't a bad person but genuinely seemed to hate family life with kids and by extension, it felt like me) do you think your husband would be similar? He sounds irresponsible and immature but friendly to the children. Would he be angry and cold do you think, or just daft? Obv not ideal but if so I don't think you'd have to worry about your kids being scared or emotionally neglected.

Bananalanacake · 25/05/2023 09:53

I thought tiktok was for kids! His immaturity would drive me round the bend too.

monsteramunch · 25/05/2023 10:26

Buddercud · 24/05/2023 22:31

I’m not sure you would be preventing greater unhappiness. My mum doesn’t like my dad for many of the same types of reasons, and we all know it. I cannot tell you how many difficulties me and my sisters have had in relationships because of the modelling of unhealthy relationships that was normal to us. We all wish they had got divorced.

This is a really important point to consider.

FinallyHere · 25/05/2023 10:33

*I'm the mum who is often working, often sorting stuff out, he's the silly dad who shows them stuff on the Internet.

But also he's not being horrible to me. I don't dread seeing him. I happily sleep next to him. We get on. He helps me.*

Be very cautious indeed about making any irrevocable decisions.

Decades after having married a man who was the opposite to my very traditional, patriarchal father, I do sometimes find myself having expectations that he should do something the way my father would do so.

You are fulfilling a non traditional role and describe him as complementing that. Do you see anything to respect in him?

If you can hold on to the part you respect and treat the rest with indulgence, if there is respect between you there is no need for the tension in your household which is so very damaging for children

Of course, if you have 'the ick', if he makes your skin crawl, if you cannot respect him and will likely start to resent him, then yes, best to split up.

It didn't read as if you had got so far, just wanting him to be the adult for a change. If that resonates at all, have you said that to him? How does he respond? Does he want to make it work?

Original poster

TrinnyMini · 25/05/2023 18:39

Perfect example tonight - he comes home, all fine, cooking dinner etc.

Then he looks at his phone, starts laughing loudly to himself, wanting me to ask what is he looking at.

He's rewatching a prank when a bloke puts a frankfurter into a sleeping man;s mouth, then the sleeping man wakes up and the bloke does his trousers up like he's just put his dick in the other guys mouth. Then the guy who was sleeping punches the other guy because he thinks he's been sexually assaulted.

This has made my DH laugh not once, but multiple times this evening.

OP posts:

RoseAdage · 25/05/2023 19:21

Urgh. That’s not just unfunny.

Have you ever told him how you feel about this sort of thing?

Cherrysoup · 25/05/2023 19:40

His sense of humour has not matured with his age. I couldn’t cope with that.

Fairislefandango · 25/05/2023 19:48

Urgh. You seem to be married to a 12 year-old boy in a man's body. Surely you can't put up with this for the rest of your life?!

Throwncrumbs · 25/05/2023 19:56

Sounds like mine, farting, coughing, TikTok shite and then the PlayStation, feels like being married to a teenager, I actually have to tell him to get in the shower!

Enigma12 · 25/05/2023 19:59

I grew up in a house with parents who didn’t like each other. There was no crazy rows just an obvious distaste (my mum to my dad) and then eventually my dad just stopped trying to speak to her. It was sad I didn’t realise at the time but looking back it was just sad, all my childhood memories are tinged with it and it still upsets me. I think it does much more damage than you realise. He is who he is and you both deserve to live a happy life

Frogger8395 · 25/05/2023 20:25

Theres no punching.

KeanuKenunu · 25/05/2023 20:49

I would not be hasty as it is awful sharing the children and it gets nasty for years and years. Whoever thought it was a good idea for children to move their whole lives every other week is damaging lots of kids - cafcass - I'm talking about you. If he's annoying but essentially a good man who loves you, I would stick with it.

PaintedEgg · 25/05/2023 21:01

@KeanuKenunu you can't hide your annoyance with someone forever and most people whose parents didn't like each other grow up very much aware of that fact

Supersimkin2 · 25/05/2023 21:05

Who was cooking dinner?

Who paid for it? And shopped?

A 12-yr-old SOH is one thing, but is he 12 in the rest of his life? Mortgages, parenting. - who does it all?

MrsMorrisey · 26/05/2023 03:30

I don't think he sounds that bad.
It sounds like you just need a couple of days away.
At least he's not depressed and lounging around etc.
A fun dad is better than a sad dad.

NotMyDayJob · 26/05/2023 04:14

Have you tried talking to him?

RoseAdage · 26/05/2023 10:14

Supersimkin2 · 25/05/2023 21:05

Who was cooking dinner?

Who paid for it? And shopped?

A 12-yr-old SOH is one thing, but is he 12 in the rest of his life? Mortgages, parenting. - who does it all?

Actually agree with this- there's a big difference between a man who's a bit of a dick but an adult when it counts (doing his share etc) and a man who's a 12yo in every way.

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