Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband paid for sex update

38 replies

mmeigh · 24/05/2023 18:31

I recently started a thread and talked about how I found out my husband paid for sex once when he was 17 with an older woman who he was giving money to for her to spend. I enquired and from the times he was actually 18 years old does this change anything or is this worrying behaviour. The woman was in her 30s he was 18 and he said "she said she would reward him if he was gave her money to spend" he said he did it once regretted it should I be concerned or enquire more

OP posts:
Allthecheeseplease · 24/05/2023 18:36

I haven't seen your original post but there is so much context missing here

What age is he now?

Have you ever had reason to doubt his fidelity?

Were you together when he was 18?

What was his upbringing like? Was this kind of thing common practise when coming of age?

Why did he do this?

Who was this woman to him?

It sounds as though he was being manipulated by an older woman

Original poster
mmeigh · 24/05/2023 18:39

28 now never had a reason to question his fidelity we weren't together it isn't common practice he said he did it because she proposed him he said he barely knew her it was the first time he had met up with her he said he doesn't feel as though he was manipulated because he participated swell

OP posts:
DumboLives · 24/05/2023 18:40

Re no. 17/18 still young, stupid and with questionable decision making skills. The only thing it changes is that it was 100% legal (provided it was consensual which it sounds like it was).

It sounds like it was a once off, he has learnt his lesson & realised it was not for him.

Just let it go!!!

Allthecheeseplease · 24/05/2023 18:42

mmeigh · 24/05/2023 18:39

28 now never had a reason to question his fidelity we weren't together it isn't common practice he said he did it because she proposed him he said he barely knew her it was the first time he had met up with her he said he doesn't feel as though he was manipulated because he participated swell

Younger people who are manipulated often don't relaise they have been and feel as though they were willing participants. It sounds very complex and unusual to be honest. Why did it come up now OP?

Original poster
mmeigh · 24/05/2023 18:45

literally asked him how he feels about paid for sex in a discussion he said he is against it but he has paid for it once and then elaborated

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 24/05/2023 18:46

I think plenty of young women have used young men they didn’t really fancy for money or gifts, and the young men have in return eagerly taken up the opportunity for sex, whilst knowing there very probably wouldn’t be any sex if they weren’t giving the money or gifts. It’s unhealthy on both sides but a tale as old as time and hardly unusual. (And let’s face it, MN is full of grown adult women who fully admit they never really fancied their OH but settled because he was solvent and reliable and they’re really only staying now because he provides well financially and they can be a SAHM with a comfortable lifestyle and a lovely house. And I suspect many of those men they’re with are fully aware that this is the “deal.”)

He recognises with age and hindsight that it was unhealthy, and found it weird enough at the time / didn’t enjoy the transaction enough for it to be a long term thing. I really don’t think you’ve got anything to be concerned about.

Boomshock · 24/05/2023 18:59

The woman was a predator.

As a woman in her 30s with a 17 year old son I think this woman was sick and manipulative and took advantage.

He might not feel like he was manipulated, but that doesn't mean he wasn't.
It's extremely common for people to not understand that that was not went on, it's a very common theme even among sexual assaults and rapes.

Allthecheeseplease · 24/05/2023 19:04

I agree with @ComtesseDeSpair above. It's obviously not sitting well with you though OP, what's troubling you about it? Is it the payment? It sounds like he did something stupid when he was 18 and feels comfortable talking with you about it, which is very positive but maybe it's something you wish you had known years ago?

Allthecheeseplease · 24/05/2023 19:05

Also, to clarify, I still think he was manipulated so when I say " he did something stupid" I mean from his perspective.

Pinkbonbon · 24/05/2023 19:42

Sorry but shagging a 17 year old at 30 doesn't make you a predator. I mean it arguably makes you a creepy weirdo tbf but lers not overreact.

Tbh it actually sounds like your boyfriend just paid for a prostitute and is making up some bs story about a Mrs Robbinson who seduced poor little innocent him.

He wasn't exploited. He paid her for sex.

Original poster
mmeigh · 24/05/2023 19:59

to be fair he never said he was exploited he never even asked me for pity he said himself he paid for sex

OP posts:
Boomshock · 24/05/2023 20:03

@Pinkbonbon
Nope, definitely a predator, not just a creepy weirdo.

Original poster
mmeigh · 24/05/2023 20:03

@Pinkbonbon I don't really care about her being a prostitute or not anyone who takes money or gifts in exchange for sex is engaging in prostitution the whole thing is I just wanted to know if I should leave it or investigate further

OP posts:
RhosynBach · 24/05/2023 20:05

You said she used him for money and he used her for sex. Why do you keep posting about this- the same thing over and over. What will you enquire further about?

Hont1986 · 24/05/2023 20:08

It feels like you want MN to tell you to investigate more. But most people are telling you this sounds like an unusual, isolated incident and if anything he was the victim in it, and there doesn't seem to be anything to 'investigate'.

What do you actually want?

Original poster
mmeigh · 24/05/2023 20:13

@RhosynBach apologies I have slight ocd and im just wondering if this is concerning behaviour and if it can indicate something which could damage the marriage or if its something to look out for

OP posts:
SallyWD · 24/05/2023 20:15

I really think it's no big deal. He was still a kid and was exploited by an older woman. I think her behaviour was far more concerning than his.
God I'd hate it if my DH was obsessing and analysing things I'd done sexually when I was 18.

northernlight20 · 24/05/2023 20:18

op, let it go. Unless there’s more to this, you not letting this go isn’t healthy for your marriage. He was a young naive lad. Just move on.

7eleven · 24/05/2023 20:21

I’d just forget it. What is there to investigate?

FedUpWithTheNHS · 24/05/2023 20:28

No I don’t think it’s concerning.
And no I wouldn’t feel you need to investigate more.

I think he knows he has been used but accepting it isn’t easy. Easier to say he was a willing participant and he paid fir sex.

The important but fir me is the fact NOW he us against paying fur sex, I suspect because if his experience and how uneasy it made him feel.

He was young. He was manipulated by that woman. It’s not as if he had gone looking to buy sex iyswim.
So yes it’d let it go.

BadNomad · 24/05/2023 20:59

What is it you are trying to figure out exactly? Are you trying to work out if he is more likely to use a prostitute now based on something he did when he was 17/18?

Unicorn2023 · 24/05/2023 21:05

@mmeigh Do you want to end your marriage because of it? Sorry I’m just trying to work out what you are asking I seen your post yesterday and I was really confused. A lot of young guys pay for sex to lose there virginity or for experience if that was why he done it because it’s so embarrassing to them for some reason 🤦🏼‍♀️ it was a long time ago I doubt he would even have mentioned it if he was thinking about paying for sex again. Every couple has that period where they ask silly questions and the answers are mad but it happened so long ago you just laugh about it and move on x

Original poster
mmeigh · 24/05/2023 21:24

@BadNomad I think that's what I was concerned about does this behaviour indicate a broader issue

OP posts:
GeekInWoods · 24/05/2023 21:42

mmeigh · 24/05/2023 21:24

@BadNomad I think that's what I was concerned about does this behaviour indicate a broader issue

Your DH was taken advantage of when he was young and naive.

Your reaction to that indicates a broader issue.

HoneybeesAndBluebells · 24/05/2023 21:49

No it doesn't, he was 17/18 so probably insecure or wanted to lose his virginity. Its normal to be curious about sex around that age.
I think it was a poor decision but young men are impulsive, he felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it.
The fact that you are ruminating over this when it happened 10 years ago and you weren't even together is the more concerning issue.