DH's mental health - I don't know whether to stay or go

[Goldenlilac]

Has anyone divorced their DH due to their DH's mental health problems? I'm feeling so desperate and don't know what to do. Have been with DH for 22 years, we have two DC (early teens). DH has struggled with his mental health for all of this time - he has been on anti depressants for most of this, and has had a lot of therapy.

Every big life change we have had eg having the children, changing jobs, moving house, as well as smaller life events eg work being done on the house, things needing to be fixed etc has caused him huge amounts of stress, anxiety and depression, which then obviously affected me. I have tried to endlessly support him in so many ways but I feel it has now taken its toll.

He was in a well paid job, but always found it exhausting and stressful and has now left and is on long term sick pay (due to his mental health). He spends most of the day lying on the sofa, watching tv, or listening to music. He has now taken over most of the cooking and clearing up of the kitchen, but the problem is that it is all on his own terms, ie he doesn't clear up throughout the day, the kitchen is left in a state all day then he clears it up at 10pm.

I feel like my self esteem is so low. The house and garden are a total mess. I tried for years to make it all nice, but he refused to help out and got annoyed if I got a workman in. We haven't invited anyone over for years.

I work part time, but I feel so stressed with him around all the time. I don't know what to do. He loves the DC, and being part of a family, but doesn't really interact with them much.

I have told him that I am struggling with him being around all the time, and that his mental health affects me, and he gets annoyed and hurt. I would love for him to maybe go on a break somewhere for a couple of weeks so I could have some headspace, but he has refused, saying that we can't afford it. He loves being at home.

My motivation and self esteem is at rock bottom. I often think of splitting up, but the financial implications would not be good, we would have to sell the family home and have two much smaller places. I would be so worried that the children would really struggle (they are both neurodiverse).

But there is no joy in life, just constant stressing over little things, and a constant depression. I keep thinking things will get better and they never do. I have totally lost hope that his mental health will ever get better and be consistent. I know this is a contentious subject, but having been with DH for this long, and having seen the amount of intervention he has had, with very little postive change, I just think that it is his personality (or something deep rooted that he can't/ won't change)

Does anyone have any idea of how I can get some sort of psychological clarity over this situation? I feel that many people may just say "leave" and while I know this is probably the right way to go, somehow I feel paralysed. I think I have abandonment issues as my father left our family, so maybe that's partly why I am really struggling with this. I think I need to work on building up my self worth before I can make any decisions.

He is not a horrible person, in fact he can be quite nice, just depressed, anxious and self absorbed a lot of the time which I am finding more and more painful to live with. I feel like I do love him, but you can't always live with someone you love. How do I break my attachment to him and work out what is best for me and the children?

hi, I’ve not been with my H as long as you, together 13 years, married 4. He’s had issues from before we met, they’ve come and gone throughout the years. I’ve wanted to leave him several times but he’s always panicked and sought help so I’ve stayed. I’ve always felt so strong inside that I could carry us both.

he finally left me 9 weeks ago - he says his depression is now due to him no longer loving me and he’s taken himself to his mums to recover himself.

and I have CRASHED - I’ve carried us both and sought to protect our DD for so long, and him leaving has finally broken me. I resent that I’ve worked so hard for us and given him so many chances and he's just decided that he needs to focus on himself now.

so my advice to you is to centre yourself and focus on what your needs are as as I’ve discovered, depressive partners will ultimately just look after themselves. Please look after yourself, I wish I had

If you’re children are neurodiverse you’re husband probably is too, your description of his difficulties with change would certainly support that.

I think if you’re really unhappy with him you should leave, you only have one short life and you’re wellbeing matters as much as his/the kids.

Bloody hell Potsandpan I'm sorry. That's really shitty behaviour.
I wish you well

Yes and no amount of pills or therapy is going to fix it. He needs a diagnosis and learn to navigate that.

This is never going to change, you need to think whether you want this to be your life forever for the sake of a bit of upheaval.

@PotsnPan I am so sorry to hear that - that must have been devastating. I really empathise with you saying that you worked so hard and gave him so many chances.

Around a year ago my husband said that his feelings for me had changed and that he didn't love me in the same way any more - I was so upset as, like you, had put everything into trying to help and support him. He says he still wants to stay together but I think that's mainly due to finances and the children.

That's good advice - I will work towards centreing myself and working out my needs. I think living with a depressed partner means that our own needs are not addressed for years and it will take a conscious effort to rediscover them. Take care of yourself.

You are allowed to prioritise your own mental health and well-being. Whatever that looks like.

I would not have put up with this for 22 years. I think its got to the point where you are enabling him and it needs to end. When I say this this I am NOT blaming you.
You need to live your life and he needs to stop sucking the life out of you. It's time to go.

he finally left me 9 weeks ago - he says his depression is now due to him no longer loving me and he’s taken himself to his mums to recover himself. - I know a cop-out when I see one!

Honestly, there are some who suffer mental ill health and lose the ability to understand the feelings of others because they are so unwell. My late OH suffered from anxiety and depression and he was so wrapped up in self-preservation that it was very hard for him to be a proper husband and father.

I turned myself inside out trying to help, and facilitated him leaving the profession that was making things worse (at huge cost to our family as it entailed a detrimental house move), so I can understand how aggrieved you must now feel after doing your best, only to have him walk away (and not appreciate all your efforts) and - the icing on the cake - implying that you are the problem.

Such a very difficult situation for you and am sending a heap of fellow feeling.

Have you got a sympathetic GP? They may be able to sign post you to organisations that can help. I have been talking to my GP about a similar-ish issue and she has been very helpful.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I was in a similar situation, DH with mental health issues (food issues, ADHD, depression). We've been together 30 years. Therapy has helped me untangle the issues that are his and the ones I can control. Last year we sold the big family house and now have two small flats. Having my own space has made a huge difference. He says he wants to stay married, even though he told me a few years ago that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore. I think he just can't stand to be the bad guy and end the marriage. We have two kids, late teens & early 20s.

Living apart has given me the space to think about myself and my DD has blossomed in the happier, calmer environment (DS has his own place so it hasn't been a huge change for him). I'm not sure what will happen going forward. In the almost 6 months we've lived apart DH and I have had one meal that's just the two of us. He'd made no effort to work on our relationship or spend time with me. He chose a one bed flat with no room for the kids to stay with him, not even a sofa bed when he bought a new sofa. But that's his choice. Disconnecting from him physically and emotionally has done me a world of good.

I hope you can find some peace. Your health & happiness are just as important as his. The deciding factor for me was when I realised I was being a poor role model for my DD. My therapist asked me how I would feel if DD was in my situation and what I'd want for her to do. I hate to think of my kids staying in such a one sided relationship that made them unhappy.

4 weeks ago, after 24 years of marriage, I caught my husband in an emotional affair and kicked him out. He has had awful mental health throughout our whole time together. He has terrible anxieties, he's had intense CBT but they decide to finish it after a certain number of sessions. He's not better but because of his anxieties he doesn't speak up for himself and just lets it go. Nothing has helped. Throughout our marriage he has been constantly scared of losing me, of being weak and inadequate. He switches himself off from our marriage. He had an affair 16 years ago and when I broke it off he desperately begged for another chance, I foolishly gave it. For 14 years he always held me extra tight, telling me I'm amazing and that he adored me. Then 2 to 3 years ago he got erectile dysfunction and would cry that he's letting me down, that he's too weak and not a real man. That he doesn't deserve me. He told all his friends and family that he'd die without me.
Then a much younger woman smiled at him, he has said that messaging her instead of sitting thinking he was a loser was the easier option. I kicked him out and this time his unrequited sexual desire made him think he was in love and he's gone. I'm assuming that he is managing to have sex without that sense of responsibility. I have a feeling he's moving in with her. He may manage to put his feelings for me in a box and continue to be happy, he may crash and burn. I have no idea, but what is absolutely certain is his feelings for me are unresolved. He is less than complimentary about this woman, he's told DS she doesn't compare to me, but she's what he deserves. But that's by the by, I'm out, I'm done. I'm devastated but tbh this means I get to walk away guilt free, I'd never have abandoned him to his mental health but I get to do it now.

I wish I'd saved myself long before now, but I've spent so many years putting him before me, I kind of forgot I had options. I'm going to put my needs first now!

I can relate to your situation OP, and others that have been described. I made the decision to separate from my husband after speaking with a counsellor and realising that my husband's health issues were starting to really affect me. My main reason for staying was that I didn't want to kick him when he's down, but in doing that I was allowing myself to be dragged down with him. And we have a small child who is growing up with a very poor example of a marriage every day.

The real deciding factor was when I went through ill health myself (not mental) and my husband was so caught up in his own problems he did the bare minimum to look after me.

It isn't easy to walk away, but you are allowed to make your own happiness a priority and to seek peace.

Since husband left my dc, who live with us 21 and 17, have said that although they love and adore their dad, he never really took part in family life. We'd sit and chat in the kitchen, husband would come in grab some food and would go sit in the living room. He'd watch and listen but he always felt their was something missing in him and couldn't join in.

You are enabling him and not helping him. This is not a slur on you!
You need to get out and away from this awful situation.
Your husband has not wanted to try and help himself and his family, perhaps he just can't but it's not right for him to leave you all in this terrible situation.

You say he doesn't interact with your kids. Your kids will be feeling this. So what is your point of even staying?

My dh suffers with poor mental health at times. Quite badly sometimes so not just a bit of depression. He had to give up a high flying job because of it. But he works part time and spends hours in the garden and keeps everything looking nice. He did a lot of the running around with the dc when they were younger and now is always ready to help them out as adults. He likes to go on holidays as the break is good for his depression. And he makes plans for his life eg will walk with me and go for coffee etc.
Your dh is pushing it doing absolutely nothing. That is more personality. This is so bad for you and actually for your dc as its misery. I believe he can do more but chooses not to. You would be happier on your own as you could make decisions on your own without his negativity pulling you down.
And he doesn't get to decide if you get a gardener in or not ..or a painter. Just do it if you have some money as it will give you and the children a lift. Focus on things you like to do and don't factor in his moods. As you start to build a life for yourself he will either shape up a bit or you will make a decision easier.

And, I realise this has being ongoing for 20 years!! Really, it sounds like you're worn down! I feel so sad for you. It's so hard, I have been through something very similar and it's hard to break from that but you must, you really must!!

I am in a very similar position (yesterday posted Should I live like this forever thread). Mine is the same about not liking workmen in, so that really resonated with me. Won't attempt the work themselves, won't help organise it and resents the person coming into the house to do it. Impossible. I don't have any answers yet but much sympathy, happy to chat.

God help all of the posters who have lived decades turning themselves inside out for men with MH issues that leave them utterly selfish and self absorbed.

What an existence you have resigned yourself for.

I would much prefer to have been alone and childless than to have offered myself up like this.

To those that were left by them, hang on to your freedom and don't accept them back.

I certainly don't have anything near that level of self sacrifice to offer up.

OP, leave him to it.

Save yourself.

I would hate for my daughters to offer up their future to men like these.

Hi OP

Not quite the same situation as I was never married to this guy, but I stupidly got involved with a guy when I was at uni (he was 15 years older) who had MH issues, mainly depression, which he blamed on his parents. I really cared about him and always did my best to help him. He had his own house (but this was across the road from his parents), he had a good job, had a PHD, no physical health issues, had good hobbies. Was on medication, had lots of therapy etc. But he treated me like crap most of the time.

He would never take any advice to move away from his parents etc and despite receiving all the help possible, he ultimately killed himself. I totally regret spending as much effort on him as I did. Waste of time.

Some mentally ill people will just never help themselves no matter how much support they have. I urge you to think of yourself and walk away.

He doesn’t even love you and has told you. Free yourself OP. Don’t let him squash your life and let your vitality and joy bleed out any longer.

I must be really selfish because I wouldn't put up with a few weeks of this kind of shit. And so many of you turn yourselves inside-out for years :(

You need to start putting yourself first OP. If that means two small houses then so be it. Your husband will have to take the children 50% of the time so you will get some downtime finally at least. The children will learn to cope and your husband will have to do some adulting and parenting.

*God help all of the posters who have lived decades turning themselves inside out for men with MH issues that leave them utterly selfish and self absorbed.

What an existence you have resigned yourself for*

This is all so true. When Ii first fell in love with husband he had a few signs which I didn't recognise at the time. But he was a young virile, healthy, fit man. He loved to laugh and he loved freely and wholeheartedly. I'm glad I had the best of him, now sadly, what is left is a shell of the man I knew, his poor OW doesn't know what she has in store. He and his exw lost a son, which ultimately split them up, and I now see it affected him deeply. He throws himself in to love but then anxiety creeps in and he becomes so terrified to losing them, so he hardens his heart and self destructs.

I'm 56 and it's scary to be on my own but I have my 2 dc at home, I have a step dc who I'm close to, I have both of my parents, I have a sister I'm close to and although I thought I had no friends, a few have offered the hand of friendship. I even have 2 uni friends who have been a total lifeline. If I took him back or if he'd done it to me even in 5 years down the line, I'd have had much less support. I'd have folded.

Sorry if I went off topic there. But you have probably opened my eyes even more, you've been blunt but tbh I am strong, I can cope with blunt, in fact it's good for me. I will survive and I will thrive. Im not going to beat myself up for loving him so much, that's a sign of my strength. If I can love a damaged man, I can certainly love me!

I realise in a lot of my posts I am now mentioning my age.

The reason is that age makes you reflective and makes you reevaluate your choices.

It makes me happy that I have a selfish gene.

Not selfish enough clearly, as my children have an idiot made of me at times, but I do have a core survival instinct that pulls me back, thankfully🙏

I want to be selfish enough to choose me ahead of a self absorbed man with MH difficulties that consume him.🤷🏻‍♀️

I make no apology for that.

I sure as shit don't want any of my children, most particularly my girls, sucked into a carer role for any man's health, from the near get go of their relationship.....

Hell no.

Not a chance.

If that makes me a selfish witch, happy to accept the charge, and will be warning my children.

A radical idea but would he try microdosing psychedelics?

I have no personal experience of them, but I know several people who said they changed their lives.

I would hate for my daughters to offer up their future to men like these

In same position as others here, divorcing after 34 years. This really struck me - its exactly what I did, it was as if I was watching someone else do it, but I literally did give up most of my life for a disturbed man.