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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I be with a man who I love?

53 replies

HinokiDream · 23/05/2023 19:38

Please help lovely ones!

Yesterday a guy got back in touch who had previously messed me around. We had a bit of a show down, 5 weeks ago, and then had no contact. Yesterday he messaged me and I was cool but friendly. We ended up getting into a text chat from around 8pm to 3am. The last hour of which was on the phone. We didn’t talk about the past, we just reconnected and had fun chatting with each other.

He wanted to see me today or tomorrow but I said I couldn’t. Part of me is scared that I’ll get hurt and part of me is embarrassed because I have gained a lot of weight since I last saw him. So I made some excuses. I can’t see him this week and, he doesn’t know this yet, but I’m on holiday next week. By the end of next week I will feel more confident physically, I think.

I love this man. I haven’t told him that but I do. However, I don’t want to get hurt. How do I move forward and build trust?

How can I let him know that I’m interested and open to a relationship with him without giving away all of my power and being exposed?

I would really like to be with him long term. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

I have name changed because I’m embarrassed about my previous threads for being a bit pathetic. The new me wants to be strong.

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 23/05/2023 23:30

HinokiDream · 23/05/2023 23:26

I told him last night that of he wants me then he has to take the whole package. By which I meant the sexy side but also the emotional, loving side. He said he knows that I come as a full package. He seemed to understand it all.

Yet today I’m having a wobble, feeling insecure about where it might go (if anywhere).

Are you actually reading what people are writing??
This guy is no good. He's messing you around. But you're determined to go ahead and have a relationship with him despite all the clear signs. Why bother posting?

BreviloquentBastard · 23/05/2023 23:31

He doesn't want you though, whole package or otherwise. If he did he wouldn't be fucking you about like this. You're just a convenient ego stroke for him because no matter how poorly he treats you apparently it takes very little effort on his part to rope you in again! Have some self respect!

MidsummerNightsDream · 23/05/2023 23:38

My advice is: tell him that you’d love to go on dates with him but you won’t have sex with him until you feel you can trust him with your heart.

You're setting yourself up for heartbreak and I think the high you’re feeling is him flattering and lovebombing you to get you into bed. Protect your heart, love yourself first.

TisforTucan · 23/05/2023 23:40

Aerin1999 · 23/05/2023 23:29

You sound absolutely ridiculous.

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Well this is super helpful? Why is he ridiculous for saying she isn't up for just sex

Aerin1999 · 23/05/2023 23:41

TisforTucan · 23/05/2023 23:40

Well this is super helpful? Why is he ridiculous for saying she isn't up for just sex

Show quote history

Because it is so ridiculously obvious that he isn’t on the same page.

ladydimitrescu · 23/05/2023 23:45

This is really hard work op - please read what people are saying.

TisforTucan · 23/05/2023 23:50

Aerin1999 · 23/05/2023 23:41

Because it is so ridiculously obvious that he isn’t on the same page.

Show quote history

Say that then 😂

OP knowing similar men like this, he's text you in an hour of 'need' he's clearly just after a quick shag or a something else. If he was interested he never would of cut communication.

If you're ok with that then go for it but clearly you are looking for something more meaningful so avoid it.

VirgoQueen · 23/05/2023 23:51

You've been told the same thing sooo many times on all your other Threads. You keep posting leaving out details to expect a different answer. Last time you posted, he was in a long term relationship. Seek a Therapist so you can heal from this, because you are wasting everyones time on this Threads. This is your 5th thread on the same issue.

Rainbowsandfairies · 24/05/2023 00:04

TisforTucan · 23/05/2023 23:40

Well this is super helpful? Why is he ridiculous for saying she isn't up for just sex

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No need to be nasty. The poster obviously loves the guy but I'm sure she knows what she has to do xx 😉

Rainbowsandfairies · 24/05/2023 00:07

Aerin1999 · 23/05/2023 23:29

You sound absolutely ridiculous.

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Sorry! Quoted the wrong person

Aerin1999 · 24/05/2023 00:07

Rainbowsandfairies · 24/05/2023 00:07

Sorry! Quoted the wrong person

Show quote history

You are right - I’m sorry I wasn’t helpful.

ILoveMyBedTooMuch · 24/05/2023 00:26

VirgoQueen · 23/05/2023 23:51

You've been told the same thing sooo many times on all your other Threads. You keep posting leaving out details to expect a different answer. Last time you posted, he was in a long term relationship. Seek a Therapist so you can heal from this, because you are wasting everyones time on this Threads. This is your 5th thread on the same issue.

Yes it certainly seems like it.

Boomshock · 24/05/2023 00:41

People don't change in 5 weeks.

If he was hot and cold before he's going to continue to be hot and cold.

Weatherwax13 · 24/05/2023 00:53

Honestly love you can do so much better . Don't settle for being his side piece. He's manipulating you and you know that. Block him.

PurpleParrots · 24/05/2023 01:42

It sounds like whoever he was with/chasing/shagging has dumped him and he’s come crawling back until the next shag comes along.

Protect yourself OP and let him know sex is off the agenda. Give him chance to prove his worth. Be prepared for him to take off faster than the speed of light though.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 24/05/2023 03:21

HinokiDream · 23/05/2023 23:20

I don’t understand why he always wants to pull me back in? If he doesn’t want me then let me go and let me be happy and meet someone else. I walk away from him and I don’t contact him and every time he wants me around again.

Unfortunately it’s because having you in reserve for when there are no better options around and he knows you’ll come running massages his ego.

He’s a manipulative user OP, you deserve better.

FortofPud · 24/05/2023 03:39

You don't love him, you love the feeling of when he's 'blowing hot' because it's addictive and you feel fantastic and really connected to him. Whats not to like. It's not really him though and it's not just you he's doing that with. Fine it you can accept its just a buzz that won't go anywhere because he's not genuinely interested. If you can't accept that, then cut ties completely (the much better option imo). Leading yourself down the garden path of thinking you love him or have some special thing is a sure road to misery beacaue its just fantasy in your head and wont ever be enough. He enjoys the game of it all - that's his buzz. If he actually wanted you he would be with you.

Original poster
HinokiDream · 24/05/2023 07:07

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 24/05/2023 07:55

ladydimitrescu · 23/05/2023 23:08

This has disaster written all over it, he hasn't changed op.

Perfectly put

Ccvyvyan · 24/05/2023 08:39

He sounds awful

Farmageddon · 24/05/2023 08:56

It sounds like you are slightly addicted to the drama of all this. You did well to cut him off before, why didn't you block his number? Were you secretly hoping he would get back in touch?
The truth is he's probably bored and wants a bit of entertainment, so you are on his list of women to to contact.

You know it's not going to be different this time, but you still let him worm his way in - why? Do you have a compulsion to prove you are different/ special, that you will be the one to tame him? That way you will prove you are worthy of love or something...

As pp have said, you need to block and delete him, and then work out with the help of a therapist why you have no boundaries with this man.

You will never get what you want from him, only more hurt.

thecatsarecrazy · 24/05/2023 08:59

Tell him your not interested and move on. I made the mistake of seeing someone on Sunday who I hadn't seen in 6 months, he was always messing me arround and guess what.. they Dont change. Stood me up last night and today I'm miserable as fuck.

thecatsarecrazy · 24/05/2023 09:05

Farmageddon · 24/05/2023 08:56

It sounds like you are slightly addicted to the drama of all this. You did well to cut him off before, why didn't you block his number? Were you secretly hoping he would get back in touch?
The truth is he's probably bored and wants a bit of entertainment, so you are on his list of women to to contact.

You know it's not going to be different this time, but you still let him worm his way in - why? Do you have a compulsion to prove you are different/ special, that you will be the one to tame him? That way you will prove you are worthy of love or something...

As pp have said, you need to block and delete him, and then work out with the help of a therapist why you have no boundaries with this man.

You will never get what you want from him, only more hurt.

What this person said 100% that's why I keept going back, they don't change. The excitement of seeing them is great, then reality sets in when they muck u about again, Men only get back in touch because they don't have to do any work, they message and u go running. Its an ego boost for them, they want sex or a blow job or whatever and they have your number. When men return its never a flex

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 24/05/2023 09:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
HinokiDream · 24/05/2023 23:08

You’re all right. I’m pathetic.

OP posts: