Is it normal to struggle to accept marriage is over?

[Helpots]

H of 4 years (together nearly 13) left me nearly 9 weeks ago, he’s moved in with his mum, he’s had depression and MH problems which he’s always attributed to his mum and childhood. Despite leaning on me for support in respect of those issues, he’s now telling me his depression has lifted since he returned to her, and that I’ve been the cause of all of his issues.

marriage started breaking down in august (although always been tempestuous - I wanted to leave in early 2022 because of his behaviour but he talked me round) - been TTC for 8 years, I think that’s what’s broken us and it became toxic between us

he no longer loves me, taken the majority of his belongings, he’s blocked me, if he speaks to me he becomes nasty and somewhat hysterical and intimidating. I feel as though he’s no longer the man I knew

and despite him making its clear it’s over, I can’t stop ruminating and hoping that one day in the future, we’ll find our way back to one another

is it normal to have this false hope in my head rather than accepting it’s over? I feel so sad and miserable, I just want our pre-august life back. I’m 43 and so scared for the future

I've seen your previous threads and you remind me of my ex and not in a good way

yes, it's normal to be upset. but it's not normal to be obsessive and trying to form a narrative that he is somehow wrong to leave you or that you owes you for support you believe you gave him

@PaintedEgg My previous posts were written when I was in the depths of my turmoil. I’m now seeking advice for myself; the marriage is over but I am struggling with some kind of false hope.

by way of insight, as hopefully it will help me come to terms more quickly - how did your ex act which is bringing me to remind you of them? Thank you

The quicker that you can accept that it is over, that false hope is not your friend the better. You're fantasising about a healthy, solid and most importantly enjoyable relationship becoming possible in the future because accepting that this won't happen is painful. But avoiding the reality that your relationship was tempestuous, had become toxic, he no longer loves you and is nasty, intimidating, and hysterical and is struggling with aspects of his mental health isn't going to help you in the long run.

Accept that it's over because it needs to be, accept that you weren't happy and haven't been for a while, believe that you will be in future, just not with him.

Break ups are shit, allow yourself to feel the pain, then move on, rather than kidding yourself.

Thank you @Seas164 - you make perfect sense, and that’s how I felt yesterday. And today it’s hit me again. My counsellor tells me that hope is a natural emotion in these situations but it is also a very cruel emotion

@Helpots what helped me was accepting that separation and divorce is a grieving process except the other person is still there. Its normal to grieve for what you had and also what you hoped and dreamed about having in the future. BUT, as with grieving the loss of a person, you need to accept they aren't coming back.
It took me many months to acknowledge that to myself and our split and eventual divorce were both completely amicable - no other people involved, no illness, no DV etc. Like with everything involving emotions, no two peoples experiences and feelings will be the same.
The one thing you do need to do is be kind to yourself - allow yourself to feel all the emotions but don't wallow in them.

Thank you @blobby10 - my H has decided that we’re going to be anything but amicable, it’s so hurtful, it doesn’t need to be this way. How do I stop wallowing?!

Great advice from PP. Also try to get out of your head and do a few things you enjoy doing. Enjoy the spring weather, go for a daily walk. Sit in the sunshine. See a friend. Do things that make you happy, the best you can. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Your grief is only temporary and a new life awaits you ...

Thank you @Whataretalkingabout - do you speak from experience? How long does this grief last for? Its been nearly 9 weeks now although I’ve cried every day since august as I was desperate to stop the arguing and didn’t want us to fail.

I always thought we’d get through anything together, if you can get through 8 years of infertility then I thought we’d make it. He’s told me himself not so long ago that when we’re good, we’re brilliant and I miss him and our good times so much 😔 I miss being part of one another’s families too

@Helpots I only just saw your post where you said it was only 9 weeks so you are entitled to wallow as much as you need to! It must be so hard when your ex is being a dick and so hurtful. In these early days, its even more important to be kind to yourself - I sometimes wrote a list of jobs for the next day and top of the list was 'Get Out of Bed' followed by 'Clean teeth'. If I had accomplished these two things then I had achieved something

Don't try and be superwoman - prioritise your children - give them lots of hugs as you will benefit too!, like Whatareyoutalkingabout said, try and get out in the fresh air every day, even if its only standing outside and taking ten deep breaths.

I do remember it being really hard but try to think of the plus points of being apart - no more arguing! reduced stress on you and the children! no one stealing the duvet. However tiny the thought, write it in a notebook or write it on a piece of paper and put it in a box. You will get through this and you will be stronger as a result.

my ex similarly refused to acknowledge any reasons why I wanted the marriage to end - he kept pointing towards every other problem I may have ever had in life, and tried to imply he was my main support (although he was my main burden - obviously this may not be applicable to your situation). He also blamed me, my mental state, tried to convince me I was wrong to leave him etc.

While I did try to be amicable at the beginning his behaviour annoyed me so much that in the end I spoke to him either in short barks or swearwords (nothing to be proud of, just stating what it was like)

With all that being said - the sooner you get this over with, the better for you. Right now it may feel like a bit of a limbo and it will only prolong the heartache. But don't feel bad for feeling bad - grieving takes time.

@PaintedEgg that has given me food for thought however can I ask, during your marriage, did you constantly tell your husband that your issues outside of the marriage were affecting your MH? Throughout our time together he’s bemoaned his mum and his background to me, and I’ve tried to support and help him. He’s told me so many times that he feels that his mum resents him and doesn’t care for him, and I’ve just assured him that I love him. I’d hate to think I’d pushed him away

I hope you are in a happier place now

@PaintedEgg also throughout us breaking down, he’s been constantly telling me that he loves me and was constantly interchangeable about whether or not he wanted to be with me. Can I ask whether you did that with your ex? I’m just looking for insight.

My MIL was vile to him on his birthday and I agreed with him for the first time there there were issues - it seems to have been since then that he’s channeled his anger towards me

I did...and so did he. Like most people in long term relationships we did talk and moan about things that stressed us out. But having issues outside of marriage does not mean the marriage is "fine" and not an added stressor.

I wouldn't think it was your support in this instance that pushed him away - there were probably other, independent problems between the two of you that made him want to leave.

Besides, someone's having mental health issues does not mean they are not rational or that they are driven solely by their emotions. I may have been depressed when I left my ex, but my decision was based solely on my very rational realisation that this relationship simply makes me more miserable than necessary and I genuinely felt better couch-surfing with my parents for a big than being in proximity of my ex.

in other words - whatever issues he has with his mum is not why he left you.

He sounds like a bit of a victim, blaming his mum for all his woes and now you.
His mental health is his own responsibility to work on.

let him go and move on.

No, I was pretty set on not wanting to ever see or speak to my ex again. no love there.

It is possible that you husband is going through something and he may come around - and then leave again...and come back around and so on. It would not be healthy for you to wait for the wind to change and bring him back

Remember that when people are angry they often tell the truth - or at least let out thoughts they were hiding deep inside. So even if he does come around, the things he said to you and about you will still stand, these thoughts and feelings he has won't disappear.

Before I left my ex for good I tried to leave on and off for years, co-dependency and guilt kept me with him. But even when he did manage to talk me out of leaving him, my anger and frustration at being effectively stuck in a prison of my own making just grew and grew. Until I left him and I was so happy waking up on that couch everyday knowing he's gone from my life

@PaintedEgg i’m glad you’re happier, just wish I could get to that place.

I tried to end the marriage in early 2022 but he wouldn’t accept it, told me he’d change (he’s been quite verbally and emotionally abusive), and I relented. Had a wonderful summer, I thought we were back on track and then it all just fell apart in august, it’s as though something just changed in him.

he’s done this before in 2015 and 2016 before asking me to marry him in 2017 and buying our home together. He’s never told me he doesn’t love me before though. He’s like a completely different person. I’m just so sad for all our lovely memories and our family life

Honestly OP, this must be the 10th thread you have started asking the same question and getting the same answers. There is no false hope. There is NO hope. It is over. Done. No going back. Posting incessantly hoping there is going to be some magical solution to getting him back is not going to work. You cannot make someone love you, sad and all as that is.

You need to let the thoughts of reconciliation go. It will not happen. Put all the time you spend posting her lamenting that it is over into healing, recovery and mental health help for yourself.

I get that it is hard and you are upset but you are staying stuck in the cycle of posting the same things over and over and hoping for a different result or the holy grail of solutions. You won't find it. There has to be acceptance.

Can you please tell me how I do this @penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds - I am accessing all of the support that I can, I’m making myself socialise when I don’t want to, I’ve even started taking AD. I feel as though a part of me has died, and I’m told this is normal, and I’m just looking for support and affirmation that I will get through to the other side and be me again - I miss myself more than I miss him

You have to work on acceptance rather than looking for false hope. Until you find acceptance you are just going to post the same thing day after day and make no progress.
Anatomy of a Broken Heart is a good book to start with.

@penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds I find I’ll accept it for a few days cos he’ll act like an Arsehole, and then after a few days, I start getting the false hope creep back in and I end up a mess. Your words hurt, but I know you’re only speaking the truth

This!

You need to focus on how much your life will be better without him, all the shit you'll no longer have to deal with, all the freedom you'll have, all the potential hot men you could have. The world's your oyster without him - you just need to have faith and believe it!

When people let go mentally of crap relationships, they are generally loads happier!

nothing in his behaviour indicated that he loves you or loved you - it sounds like he is using you as a emotional support and takes out his anger out at you

I honestly don’t want to hurt you. I have been through a bad breakup years ago and can still remember the pain but you are only hurting yourself with this false hiope business. There is NO HOPE! None.

@guineacup is the world still your oyster at 43? I felt young the other week, now I feel over the hill!

@penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds please tell me you got thru this happier than you were before?

@PaintedEgg my MH nurse said much the same last night. Told me it was a blessing in disguise when I described his behaviour

I do wish the "just move on" gang on this thread would show a little more empathy. Acceptance of the loss of a relationship is a process and one which takes some people longer than others. Yes the OP needs to believe in and try and work towards a better future (because it is out there) but berating her for starting multiple threads and telling her how much her husband probably hates her for not just quietly accepting his decision to destroy her life as she knows it is just cruel .