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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal to struggle to accept marriage is over?

43 replies

Helpots · 23/05/2023 13:39

H of 4 years (together nearly 13) left me nearly 9 weeks ago, he’s moved in with his mum, he’s had depression and MH problems which he’s always attributed to his mum and childhood. Despite leaning on me for support in respect of those issues, he’s now telling me his depression has lifted since he returned to her, and that I’ve been the cause of all of his issues.

marriage started breaking down in august (although always been tempestuous - I wanted to leave in early 2022 because of his behaviour but he talked me round) - been TTC for 8 years, I think that’s what’s broken us and it became toxic between us

he no longer loves me, taken the majority of his belongings, he’s blocked me, if he speaks to me he becomes nasty and somewhat hysterical and intimidating. I feel as though he’s no longer the man I knew

and despite him making its clear it’s over, I can’t stop ruminating and hoping that one day in the future, we’ll find our way back to one another

is it normal to have this false hope in my head rather than accepting it’s over? I feel so sad and miserable, I just want our pre-august life back. I’m 43 and so scared for the future

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 23/05/2023 21:32

Hi @Helpots I hope you don't mind if I stick my oar in, but this comment stuck out, there are many reasons why you shouldn't want to get back with your exh but this is just one of them because he would just keep on hurting you.

he’s now telling me his depression has lifted since he returned to her, and that I’ve been the cause of all of his issues.

Also, 43 is not over the hill.

Lastly, I wanted to agree with another comment about the breakup of a relationship is like a bereavement or at least it was for me .

Original poster
Helpots · 23/05/2023 21:48

Hi @PeterLemonJello, any comments are welcome, thank you. I don’t believe for a minute that his lifelong issues have suddenly poofed into thin air, I’ve listened and supported him so much with those issues over the years. I wonder what he’ll do when he realises that he’s not in utopia?

please tell me that you got over your feeling of bereavement?

made myself a list tonight of all of the things I can do now that he’s gone. It’s a start 😊

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 23/05/2023 22:09

I did get over it and I'm confident you will too. Lists are very good. I'm a lover of lists and writing things down in general.

I also found some inspiring positive quotes which helped me. I found one I wrote down the other day from about 5 years ago.

penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds · 23/05/2023 22:26

I did. I got out even though I clung on for so long. It hurt like hell. I used to think anything was better than nothing. Now I know that sometimes nothing is better.

You will heal, you will recover and you will start over….. and you will be more than alright.

I promise you.

Whataretalkingabout · 23/05/2023 23:28

Yep, been there , done that. Suffered a ton. Life goes on. You won't die of heartbreak- It won't kill you though it may feel really lousy. Yes grief can take quite a while, especially since you were together for some time. In fact the best thing in my opinion is to let it all out. Go and cry your eyes out in the shower for an hour or two, that helps! Pull your hair heart and tear your clothing, roll in the dirt if you feel like it. Whatever helps you get him out of your system, however long that takes- but not more than 3 days!
Just tell yourself that when you're done crying you will stop thinking about him and you're gonna put yourself back together . And then consciously do it! Go to the gym, the hair dressers buy new clothes, make up, shoes, and eat fine food and be good to yourself and start planning the next part of your life! You can do it!

guineacup · 23/05/2023 23:30

@Helpots

@guineacup is the world still your oyster at 43? I felt young the other week, now I feel over the hill!

I'm 47, and yes, I do! So many opportunities! Experience and wisdom more than make up for youth!

anthurium · 23/05/2023 23:39

As some previous posters have mentioned, loss of a significant relationship is a process and hopefully in time, you will be in a better place when thinking about it.

I'm curious to know, and I appreciate this may be raw, what are your thoughts on going it alone regarding solo parenthood? Do you still want children?

MidsummerNightsDream · 23/05/2023 23:40

Completely normal. It gets better.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 23/05/2023 23:55

I really don’t mean to be rude but what is the point in posting again and again about the same topic? It seems as if you just want to keep talking about this man to anyone who listens.

When I saw your thread title on the homepage, I really said ‘I hope it’s not that family lawyer back with another thread.’ Do you have any real life support? Anyone who you can actually speak with your thoughts in real life? You’ve had so many helpful, in depth comments from posters on loads of your other threads. What is the point constantly speaking about him on the internet?

Honestly OP, this must be the 10th thread you have started asking the same question and getting the same answers. There is no false hope. There is NO hope. It is over. Done. No going back. As sad as it may be, I really do agree with this post

Fmlgirl · 24/05/2023 05:42

Is that the man with the daughter?
With all due respect, as others have said, you need to move on. Could you go on a holiday, join a gym class, anything to distract yourself?
Your relationship sounded really toxic, you need to ask yourself why you would even want to get back together with this man, I would recommend therapy.

Original poster
Helpots · 24/05/2023 08:29

@ItsBritneyBitchhhh im sorry that my posts are annoying to you but hope it’s made you feel better to have a dig at someone who is clearly struggling with her emotions and mental health. My post isn’t asking whether he’ll come back, it’s asking for help and guidance as to how I’ll get through what is truly the worst thing I’ve ever been through.

I do have support in my friends and family but not one of them has been through this, so I come on here to find advice from those who have shared my experience. And it helps in part.

Im not sure what harm it is causing you to see that I’ve posted? It’s an outlet for me - I would never kick anyone when they were so low but if that’s how you make yourself feel better about yourself, then congratulate yourself

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpots · 24/05/2023 08:34

In fact, just for you @ItsBritneyBitchhhh , so that I don’t upset you further, I shan’t post again as I would hate for you to have to see another post by me, I can’t imagine the trauma it causes you, seeing a woman on the edge reaching out by any means to get herself through this. I hadn’t realised that I should be over a 13 year relationship in the space of 8.5 weeks and I must stop the counselling, the anti-depressants that I’m having to take and the professional MH support immediately

I’ve posted on here because I am at the lowest I’ve ever felt, to the point where at times I’ve felt as though I wanted to harm myself. And it has helped. But I shall post no more. Sorry to have upset you

OP posts:
ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 24/05/2023 09:29

If that’s how you’ve taken my post OP then fair enough. In no way am I trying to kick you whilst you’re down. I genuinely do not think it’s healthy to start multiple threads within the space of minutes on different topics about the same thing. Again and again and again.

How is that healthy for you? It’s completely understandable that you’re going through a really difficult time but constantly rewriting and reliving what’s going on isn’t going to help. I must have come across about 5/6 of your threads and you really do get good advice. People are sharing their own stories and experiences with you too. I’m not really sure what more you want from posting?

This is the internet. A free space for all. I’m not the internet police or the MN’s police. I just don’t believe that it’s healthy to continuously post about this situation. That’s all

PaintedEgg · 24/05/2023 10:03

@Helpots you sound like you were in a very typical, abusive and co-dependent relationship. I'm willing to bet that once the dust settles you'll see that it wasn't at all nice - not with so many breakups and awful behaviours

PeterLemonJello · 24/05/2023 10:25

If it's helping to talk about it then keep doing it. People don't have to read or reply. Find some positives like your list and focus on that.

Original poster
Helpots · 24/05/2023 10:47

@PaintedEgg i know it was an awful relationship at times, but when it was good, it was brilliant. I still love him, but I need to find myself again. Feel as though I’m in mourning and the fact thar he’s cut me off makes me feel as though 13 years meant nothing to him at all. I’ve tried to be there for him so much, when I should have walked so many times. And now I’m left with nothing

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 24/05/2023 11:25

that's how all abusive relationships are - nobody would stay in them if it was all good. they always go from one extreme to another

I know it sucks to feel like you've wasted so many years - I wasted over a decade on my ex. But that time is gone and won't come back - the bright side you won't waste anymore time with him

PeterLemonJello · 24/05/2023 12:37

Have you returned to work yet @Helpots ?

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