My dad is 76 and has been seeing his girlfriend for over a year.
They seem very happy and divide their time between their separate homes in the same city. I would go so far as to say they are 'loved up'. It's actually very sweet to see him like that, he certainly was never like that with my mum, he really is smitten.
(in advance.... this is a very long post! I didn't mean it to be, but it's impossible to summarise this in a nutshell. If you get to the end, and leave your opinion, thank you :) ! )
My dad has been single for over 20 years and she for probably 30-40 years, although her marriage ended much in a much more painful way than my dad's and it seems, there was infidelity and all sorts of painful behaviour in her marriage and my dad sees her as 'vulnerable'. Her ex husband is not alive anymore but she has two sons, and grandchildren who live abroad. Until a year ago she lived with one of her sons in the same city they live in now.
My Mum and Dad had a 23 year marriage but grew apart and divorced, my mum remarried soon after but that didn't end up working out and that ended in a messy divorce. She has been alone since, and my dad has been alone since he divorced my mum. They have always remained good friends and respected each other - we have always spent graduations, Christmases and all the usual important occasions together. Not particularly conventional, but it's always worked for us and that's how our family is. My parent's were speaking about retiring near each other, until fairly recently. There's a 9 year age gap between my parents and my mother didn't want my Dad being in lockdown alone and so invited him to stay with her, which he did. She never wanted my dad to be alone in his old age and has always been thinking of his wellbeing, despite them not being married. To her, he will always be family, regardless of whether they are married or not.
Fast forward to now - my dad's girlfriend is slightly younger than my Dad, but much less mobile than he is. In fact, she is of very limited mobility as she has arthritis in her knees and is carrying a significant amount of body weight making it both hard her to move easily, and also hard for her to loose the weight.
My dad has been extremely fit for over 10 years now, as he had a health scare and changed his food habits and began exercising daily, and recently this has all changed. He no longer goes on his daily jogs, or even walks. He is looking less healthy because of this. He used to go on walking holidays with his siblings, but no longer can because he is duty bound to his girlfriend and she depends on him to care for her. His words: " he can not leave her on her own, she is vulnerable". I find this particularly troubling as this clearly means he is sacrificing his freedom for hers. This means he is unable to travel to ours to spend time with his grandchildren on his own (we live 200 miles away). But at the same time, they are making long journeys 900 miles away to visit her grandchildren in Europe, in fact my Dad is seeing her Grandchildren more than his own. I find this a bit confusing, why he can't make visits on his own.... what did she do before she met my dad? She lived with her son before, and they still live very close by, so why can't she stay with him when my dad visits us occasionally?
I am having real trouble being 100% happy about this situation for various reasons. And am being put under a lot of pressure from her (via him) to involve my children with her. She is desperate to be involved with my children. I am told she is devastated that I am 'excluding' her. This honestly is keeping me awake and night and causing me a lot of upset. I have no intention of 'devastating' anybody and I don't understand why she is devastated. She has met my children, and has gone on 2 days out with them to the beach and aquarium. They have met. I am simply setting some boundaries as I do not feel ready to 100% include her in my life and my children's lives.
I am being cautious in introducing the children to her as Grandpa's girlfriend, and have wanted to continue to predominantly meet up with my Dad on his own until we settle into the idea a bit. When I see my dad and his girlfriend (when I meet them without my kids) they are very touchy feely, and I feel this would be confusing for my children. Until now, my mother and father have been on very good and friendly terms, and so, although unconventional, that has been our family dynamic for the entirety of my children's lives. In their eyes, Grandpa and Nanna are a unit / team. I am treading cautiously as I feel this situation is a little sensitive for them (and me).
Her children and grandchildren are (obviously, perhaps) far happier and accepting of my dad, than we are of her. Because of her limited mobility she hadn't seen her grandchildren much over the years, but now my Dad is in her life she has a chaperone and they are making visits as often as possible. Also, on their case, there is not another grandparent (alive) and in the equation, like there is in my family. In my eyes, you just can't compare, and the expectation that I should be as open about it as they are, is strange and unrealistic.
If I'm being completely honest, a part of me doesn't want to sacrifice time we could be spending together as a family, with someone who isn't our family. If I were to allow her to be more involved with my kids, that would mean spending our time off work divided between my mum, and my dad and his girlfriend. Neither live anywhere near me, so visits are limited to half terms really, and me and my children are very very close to my mum. Added to the whole situation, my mum had cancer last year, and although she is cancer free now, it's been a bit of a shock to us, and all the more reason I don't want to sacrifice any time we could be spending building memories with her, to start a new relationship with someone else who is 'over the top' keen. It just doesn't feel natural or easy and although I'm not saying I never want to spend time with her, I do feel it should be OK that I limit the amount of time I spend with her.
Mainly I worry about my Dad's health. His own mother (my grandmother) remarried late in life and her husband's health quickly deteriorated and she began to age much faster due to becoming her husband's carer. I worry the same will happen with my father. I worry he will regret committing so fast and that his senior years will end up being really hard work for him.
But, I also worry about how much I will see of him, and how much he will see of his grandchildren.
Has anyone got even a remotely similar situation?
Am I being unfair?
I wish I could stop thinking about all of this, but am getting bad vibes off my extended family now, and feeling like the world's biggest bitch for setting boundaries and not just doing what my Dad and his girlfriend want. In my eyes, it makes sense that I would be feeling like this, given my family dynamic and how things have played out. I have been told - her family have welcomed my dad with open arms - I have no doubt they have - their situation is very different to mine. I can't be held responsible for her happiness, or for making her feel devastated, surely that's unreasonable? Feeling huge emotional pressure and guilt from all angles - and just can't bare it anymore, so making a post on here as no idea where else to get impartial opinions from.
I feel it should be OK for me to see my Dad on his own, and for him to join us on family occasions. It's not like I am saying I will never see her, but just that it's a bit more limited, that should be OK, right?