Grandpa's girlfriend

[YellowSunshine123]

My dad is 76 and has been seeing his girlfriend for over a year.

They seem very happy and divide their time between their separate homes in the same city. I would go so far as to say they are 'loved up'. It's actually very sweet to see him like that, he certainly was never like that with my mum, he really is smitten.

(in advance.... this is a very long post! I didn't mean it to be, but it's impossible to summarise this in a nutshell. If you get to the end, and leave your opinion, thank you :) ! )

My dad has been single for over 20 years and she for probably 30-40 years, although her marriage ended much in a much more painful way than my dad's and it seems, there was infidelity and all sorts of painful behaviour in her marriage and my dad sees her as 'vulnerable'. Her ex husband is not alive anymore but she has two sons, and grandchildren who live abroad. Until a year ago she lived with one of her sons in the same city they live in now.

My Mum and Dad had a 23 year marriage but grew apart and divorced, my mum remarried soon after but that didn't end up working out and that ended in a messy divorce. She has been alone since, and my dad has been alone since he divorced my mum. They have always remained good friends and respected each other - we have always spent graduations, Christmases and all the usual important occasions together. Not particularly conventional, but it's always worked for us and that's how our family is. My parent's were speaking about retiring near each other, until fairly recently. There's a 9 year age gap between my parents and my mother didn't want my Dad being in lockdown alone and so invited him to stay with her, which he did. She never wanted my dad to be alone in his old age and has always been thinking of his wellbeing, despite them not being married. To her, he will always be family, regardless of whether they are married or not.

Fast forward to now - my dad's girlfriend is slightly younger than my Dad, but much less mobile than he is. In fact, she is of very limited mobility as she has arthritis in her knees and is carrying a significant amount of body weight making it both hard her to move easily, and also hard for her to loose the weight.

My dad has been extremely fit for over 10 years now, as he had a health scare and changed his food habits and began exercising daily, and recently this has all changed. He no longer goes on his daily jogs, or even walks. He is looking less healthy because of this. He used to go on walking holidays with his siblings, but no longer can because he is duty bound to his girlfriend and she depends on him to care for her. His words: " he can not leave her on her own, she is vulnerable". I find this particularly troubling as this clearly means he is sacrificing his freedom for hers. This means he is unable to travel to ours to spend time with his grandchildren on his own (we live 200 miles away). But at the same time, they are making long journeys 900 miles away to visit her grandchildren in Europe, in fact my Dad is seeing her Grandchildren more than his own. I find this a bit confusing, why he can't make visits on his own.... what did she do before she met my dad? She lived with her son before, and they still live very close by, so why can't she stay with him when my dad visits us occasionally?

I am having real trouble being 100% happy about this situation for various reasons. And am being put under a lot of pressure from her (via him) to involve my children with her. She is desperate to be involved with my children. I am told she is devastated that I am 'excluding' her. This honestly is keeping me awake and night and causing me a lot of upset. I have no intention of 'devastating' anybody and I don't understand why she is devastated. She has met my children, and has gone on 2 days out with them to the beach and aquarium. They have met. I am simply setting some boundaries as I do not feel ready to 100% include her in my life and my children's lives.

I am being cautious in introducing the children to her as Grandpa's girlfriend, and have wanted to continue to predominantly meet up with my Dad on his own until we settle into the idea a bit. When I see my dad and his girlfriend (when I meet them without my kids) they are very touchy feely, and I feel this would be confusing for my children. Until now, my mother and father have been on very good and friendly terms, and so, although unconventional, that has been our family dynamic for the entirety of my children's lives. In their eyes, Grandpa and Nanna are a unit / team. I am treading cautiously as I feel this situation is a little sensitive for them (and me).

Her children and grandchildren are (obviously, perhaps) far happier and accepting of my dad, than we are of her. Because of her limited mobility she hadn't seen her grandchildren much over the years, but now my Dad is in her life she has a chaperone and they are making visits as often as possible. Also, on their case, there is not another grandparent (alive) and in the equation, like there is in my family. In my eyes, you just can't compare, and the expectation that I should be as open about it as they are, is strange and unrealistic.

If I'm being completely honest, a part of me doesn't want to sacrifice time we could be spending together as a family, with someone who isn't our family. If I were to allow her to be more involved with my kids, that would mean spending our time off work divided between my mum, and my dad and his girlfriend. Neither live anywhere near me, so visits are limited to half terms really, and me and my children are very very close to my mum. Added to the whole situation, my mum had cancer last year, and although she is cancer free now, it's been a bit of a shock to us, and all the more reason I don't want to sacrifice any time we could be spending building memories with her, to start a new relationship with someone else who is 'over the top' keen. It just doesn't feel natural or easy and although I'm not saying I never want to spend time with her, I do feel it should be OK that I limit the amount of time I spend with her.

Mainly I worry about my Dad's health. His own mother (my grandmother) remarried late in life and her husband's health quickly deteriorated and she began to age much faster due to becoming her husband's carer. I worry the same will happen with my father. I worry he will regret committing so fast and that his senior years will end up being really hard work for him.

But, I also worry about how much I will see of him, and how much he will see of his grandchildren.

Has anyone got even a remotely similar situation?
Am I being unfair?

I wish I could stop thinking about all of this, but am getting bad vibes off my extended family now, and feeling like the world's biggest bitch for setting boundaries and not just doing what my Dad and his girlfriend want. In my eyes, it makes sense that I would be feeling like this, given my family dynamic and how things have played out. I have been told - her family have welcomed my dad with open arms - I have no doubt they have - their situation is very different to mine. I can't be held responsible for her happiness, or for making her feel devastated, surely that's unreasonable? Feeling huge emotional pressure and guilt from all angles - and just can't bare it anymore, so making a post on here as no idea where else to get impartial opinions from.

I feel it should be OK for me to see my Dad on his own, and for him to join us on family occasions. It's not like I am saying I will never see her, but just that it's a bit more limited, that should be OK, right?

If it was the other way around and she was helping to care for your dad because he was the one with limited mobility would you be saying the same

Yellowsunshine, you are allowed to decide who you want to be involved in your children's life. It doesn't matter who tells you what you "should" be doing or otherwise. You have a relationship with your dad and he has a relationship with your children. His girlfriend has a relationship with him. It doesn't entitle her to have a relationship with you or your children.

You have met her, you've allowed her to have time with your children. You aren't really that big of a fan of hers.. and for whatever reason there is something about her which just doesn't sit right with you. Trust your instincts.

I can't stand manipulative chat. Why on earth would she be devastated by you not allowing her more access to the children?? Quite bizarre.

And you are right to be a bit...ummmmmm so you can't travel 200 miles but a 900 mile trip is fine??

What you are doing is perfectly normal. You are taking your time to get to know someone before allowing them access to your life and your children's life.

It's lovely, as you acknowledge, that he has found happiness in his later years. Lovely for him. Doesn't mean it must be for you too. You are entitled to feel a bit put out as it's upset the family dynamics... unconventional as they may have been.

Take your time. You don't sound selfish in the least. You sound like you are really deeply thinking about this situation and trying to work out the why and how of what you are feeling. Don't be bullied into making decisions. It's no-ones right to tell you who you allow in to your children's lives.

with my mum's second husband it took some time for me to meet him, and a couple of years or so until I would visit their house. I felt terrible for my Dad and loyal to him, it just took the time it took.

I feel the same for this situation, and have explained that to my Dad. Genuinely I feel, that if my mum met someone new now, I also would be taking my time before introducing them as an item, as I'd want to get to know them first myself and it would have to feel like the right time for me, my children and my Dad.

with my mum's second husband it took some time for me to meet him, and a couple of years or so until I would visit their house. I felt terrible for my Dad and loyal to him, it just took the time it took.

I feel the same for this situation, and have explained that to my Dad. Genuinely I feel, that if my mum met someone new now, I also would be taking my time before introducing them as an item, as I'd want to get to know them first myself and it would have to feel like the right time for me, my children and my Dad

(sorry for repeat post, not used this before so getting the hang of it!)

so relieved someone else thinks similarly to me. It's specifically this pressure that is putting me off.

in that case I probably would be happy (as I am now) that he is happy, and also happy that he is being cared for

And, in this case perhaps her family would be feeling rather different to how they are now. Who knows.

I understand why people look at this and see me as behaving like a teenager, but the situation is not straight forward and there's a lot I'm not mentioning (my post was long enough already LOL!).

The vast majority of people have said you're being unfair and yet you highlight one of the few agreeing with you 🙄 you've clearly made your mind up, so what was the point of posting?

pimplebum I have said more or less that, and he seems understanding, but this is where the 'devastation' comes in... it doesn't seem to be OK for her.

Alarm bells would be ringing for me. This woman is very, very full on, and your dad has allowed her to suck him right into her vortex of using him as a carer.

Oh my goodness your poor dad 😪.

Perhaps if you were to try being a bit less self-centered?

So essentially your two issues are that, firstly, she is disabled and , secondly, your dad views himself as a unit with her? He is entitled to see himself as a a firm couple, and disliking her for her disability is not really worthy of comment.

If you make it difficult for him to see you and the DGC, you cannot really be upset if they see her DGC more.

She sounds annoying and manipulative but I’ve been down this road and you are not going to win. You don’t to embrace her as a second grandmother but it is certainly reasonable to invite her to family events as your father’s guest. Unfortunately you are not in charge here. If you continue to exclude her I suspect you will find you are seeing less and less of your father. Maybe that is more comfortable for you than spending time with his girlfriend and that’s certainly your choice. But you can’t expect him to essentially behave as if his partner doesn’t exist.

I notice you haven’t mentioned your mother’s feelings here. It’s all about you. Have you even asked your mother if she minds having uour dad’s girlfriend around? She may well have a much more mature and pragmatic attitude than you do.

It’s not about your kids either. I guarantee they will only find it weird if you put that in their heads. Families change all the time. People marry, divorce, move away, fall out, introduce new partners, have babies, etc. Kids are accepting of things that their trusted grownups present as normal and comfortable. It is not at all unusual for a long-divorced man in his 70s to meet a romantic partner and want her to be part of his life. It will only be awkward if you choose to make it so.

yes maybe there's something in that, that boundaries got blurred. that whole situation was unusual and felt strange at times too, but it was none of my business in the same way his relationship now is none of my business.

essentially I do just want everyone to get along, but do not like the pressure of the situation, the responsibility of upsetting someone when that is not my intention, and the implication that I should do something because someone is vulnerable. My mum's vulnerable too, most people are to varying degrees.

them not coming to stay is partly me not being ready, but also I don't actually have space. I have space to put one person up, not a big house..

I feel it should be OK for me to see my Dad on his own, and for him to join us on family occasions. It's not like I am saying I will never see her, but just that it's a bit more limited, that should be OK, right?

No. YABVU. And hurtful. Not surprised you are getting vibes off your family. Your dad is an adult, his choices are his. Do what you want, but dont complain that there is push back from it, because what you are doing is not very nice.

This is how I'd feel. I wouldn't react well to being guilt tripped or manipulated into any sort of new relationship. Keep her at arms length until / if you feel more comfortable with her. don't get caught up with her physical health needs, she may think she can rely on you if your dad's no longer fit enough to look after her.

Personally I find these high dependency type relationships where people can’t do anything separately to be utterly baffling and disturbing - however I’ve learned that they generally fulfill a need in both parties and your dad is getting something out of being this vulnerable woman’s carer, even if it seems one sided to you.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, I’d be miffed too probably. But I think the best thing is to welcome her if you want to see your dad.

You're perfectly within your rights to not want to spend time with your Dad's partner.

But as a result you have to accept that your Dad may not want to spend as much time with you in return.

Noones in the wrong here, you're both making decisions that work for you, and in both cases those decisions have negative consequences for the other person.

This is a very good way of looking at it.

Alarm bells would be ringing for me. This woman is very, very full on, and your dad has allowed her to suck him right into her vortex of using him as a carer.

Yea. Well put. I agree.

OP, thanks for your reply, l didn't realise your Dad and his partner wanted to stay over in your house when they visited. That's quite different, you don't know her well yet so it's fine to suggest a nearby hotel. That way there's much less pressure and you and your kids can get to know her at your own pace.

OP, I mean this kindly but I think you need to back off. You sound over invested in your parents being a unit, but they separated a long time ago and they’re both entitled to move on and have lives of their own. They’re not just your parents, they’re human beings with their own needs and desires.

The lady your dad is seeing does sound very keen to be involved, but you’re getting this information second hand, from your dad, and he may have his own reasons for wanting you to be more involved with her so is exaggerating a little. I remember when I was a kid and I met my dads new partner for the first time and then he wanted me to buy her a Mother’s Day card, saying it would mean a lot to her. The truth is it was about him and what he wanted, not me and not her.

I think it’s fine to sometimes see your dad alone, but you have to accept he’s in a relationship now and his partner is important to him. How would you feel if he wouldn’t ever meet you with your partner?

He's an adult. He can do whatever he wants. Just be happy for him, and get on with your own life - you're making this way too complicated.

Yes, I agree with @fdgdfgdfgdfg. You don't have to invite your dad's girlfriend to come to stay with you, but you shouldn't be upset if he doesn't want to come on his own. I think you have to choose between seeing them both or not seeing him at all.

He’s 76 for crying out loud! You should be glad he’s met someone who makes him happy after all these years and bending over backwards to support him in his new found happiness, not making life awkward like a stroppy teenager. Stop being so selfish, I’m genuinely astounded any loving daughter would make their father’s senior years difficult by being so unwelcoming to a new partner. This situation is not all about you!