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Original poster

DH so miserable

40 replies

freyafreud · 23/05/2023 10:46

Just that really!

He's just so negative and miserable at times

He says he's very busy with work but surely that doesn't mean it's fair to our family to be so grumpy.

Every weekend for weeks he's said he feels unwell or tired, but seems fine in the week. I've said perhaps he has an allergy to me and DC Confused

He takes part in family stuff but sort of halfheartedly. I've raised it with him and he said he's just tired etc. he seems to think not doesn't impact us, but it brings the whole vibe down.

Yesterday he was very busy with work and then came down for dinner with us. In the five minutes I was dishing up he started telling DC off and wrestled iPad off one of them. It just feels so unnecessary. They'd been absolutely fine until he appeared.

This morning DC was bargaining with me in a jovial/semi-whining way, which I was dealing with, and once again he gets involved to say something negative about DC always complaining. I ignored him but think I wonder where they get it from?!

I do absolutely everything for him, DC and the home, and am happy to, but I'm getting tired of being sympathetic to his misery. I know he's busy but we all are, so are millions of other parents. We are A LOT more fortunate than many many people.

I feel at some level he's unhappy with his lot, but it was a joint decision to get married and have children. It's a bit late to change our minds now!

OP posts:
Sirloinwithlove · 23/05/2023 10:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Original poster
freyafreud · 23/05/2023 11:01

It's miserable!

When I point out he's being unreasonable and it's impacting all of us he's defensive and feels sorry for himself and insinuates I'm not being supportive enough.

He always says he doesn't get enough time to himself, which I understand, but we try to divvy it up as fairly as possible. I can't really do any more!

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 23/05/2023 11:03

Unpleasant but I wonder how much of this is work. I loathed the last place I worked and it was ages before I realised I'd become a right moaning mini all the time. Being miserable at work really drags you down.
I've had a new job for three years that i love now and I'm a completely different person.
Maybe its time for a change?

Original poster
freyafreud · 23/05/2023 11:07

It could well be his work. He is very busy and I know he takes his work very seriously, but it's almost like it's at the cost of our family.

On holiday etc he's much better but even then he gets overwhelmed by DC if they're not behaving I mean I do too at times but I also think they're just kids and let them get on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
freyafreud · 23/05/2023 11:13

I'm also looking for a way I can tell him to get off DC backs without undermining his parenting.

Sometimes they are naughty and do need telling, but often his response feels like overkill. So authoritarian and wordy.

My children are my absolute joy, I love them beyond measure, and even though he's their father, when I witness this heavy handed parenting it takes every ounce of restraint to not lose it with him

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 23/05/2023 11:27

He sounds like an absolute joy sponge and that you and your DC would be happier without him around.

Original poster
freyafreud · 23/05/2023 11:31

Yes that very accurate @ChrisTrepidation

Sometimes I'll be super happy and he seems to just be a bit like a cloud and suck it all away.

For balance, he's not always like this, but it's about 50/50 at the moment

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 23/05/2023 11:35

Tell him to ship off to gp for an appt and depression questionnaire and referral to counselling etc
Tell him to go to his hr or make use of his employee advice and counselling service

Or tell him to ship out til he sorts himself out
Taking his mood out on dc is unacceptable
He is responsible for taking charge of his mental health now before it gets worse

DucksNewburyport · 23/05/2023 11:37

I think you need to sit down with him and have a proper chat about this when the kids aren't around. Tell to him about how it's affecting you and the kids. Ask if there's anything that could help? You can't magic extra time out of nowhere, but maybe he could suggest changes to how he spends his "me" time and your family time. Does he have any hobbies or things he enjoys? Even if it's not possible to fit them in very often, maybe it would help to have something for him to look forward to. PS Ensure you do the same for YOU as well!

Newuser82 · 23/05/2023 11:43

I have a husband a little like this. It's very hard. It was getting to the point where my youngest wouldn't have anything to do with him. We had many talks about it and honestly I told him I was ready to leave. He is now much better although still a bit more miserable than I would like.

Theos · 23/05/2023 11:44

Not infidelity ?

Original poster
freyafreud · 23/05/2023 11:46

Theos · 23/05/2023 11:44

Not infidelity ?

No chance, he seldom leaves the house!

OP posts:
lalalalalalaleeee · 23/05/2023 11:49

Theos · 23/05/2023 11:44

Not infidelity ?

Why do people always assume it's this?

OP sounds like he's overwhelmed with work, and taking it out on the people closest to him.. no advice but a handhold

Original poster
freyafreud · 23/05/2023 11:49

Thanks all. Sorry to hear your DH is the same @Newuser82

In terms of making time for stuff for ourselves, I make sure I get to a class at least twice a week for an hour, otherwise I can be grumpy too, but I take steps to avoid that!

In DH case rather than getting out he will do computer based stuff in his downtime and then complain he's always working. I don't take part in that charade and point out he's actually doing his hobby so let's not pretend he's hard at it 24/7.

He is certainly time poor and I see that and empathise and try to help him get out by making lunch, encouraging walks etc. but ultimately he's an adult who is choosing to be miserable!

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 23/05/2023 11:50

Undermining his parenting, forget that for a start! If he's being a victorian overlord then feel free to 'undermine' him all day long. MN is so weird about supporting dads being nobbers to their kids in the name of a 'united front' but parenting isn't like that. You're only ever responding to what's in front of you, there isn't time to talk tactics.

OliveToboogie · 23/05/2023 12:17

Tell him to Man Up. If he is depressed or Anxious see a doctor. Stop making other people miserable because he is unhappy.

frozendaisy · 23/05/2023 14:13

Ask him is this the type of dad he wants to be?
Is this how he wants the kids to remember him when they think of their childhood?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2023 14:27

What are you getting out of this relationship now with him?.

What is he like to those in the outside world?.

What are his parents like, it may well be that one of them acts like this too.

I would think he behaves far differently in the workplace and that this treatment is reserved for you people as his family. Family stuff is not ultimately important to him; he getting his own needs met is.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the blueprint for their relationships you want them to be learning from?.

Sirloinwithlove · 23/05/2023 15:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

MumLass · 23/05/2023 15:28

frozendaisy · 23/05/2023 14:13

Ask him is this the type of dad he wants to be?
Is this how he wants the kids to remember him when they think of their childhood?

This!

Do find yourself modifying your behaviour to avoid triggering him? Are you more conscious of asking the kids to 'be quiet, settle down' so that he doesn't get annoyed?
I used to live like this. I lived in a permanent state of anxiety and noticed that when he wasn't around I felt like a weight had been lifted.

He's now my ex husband.

HT56 · 23/05/2023 16:06

Some men just don’t enjoy having kids. They agree to it but then find out it’s hard work and not much fun.

Theos · 23/05/2023 16:18

It does sound hard for you. This idea of being disengaged with life does sound like depression.

cestlavielife · 24/05/2023 15:21

HT56 · 23/05/2023 16:06

Some men just don’t enjoy having kids. They agree to it but then find out it’s hard work and not much fun.

Tough. He can leave if he feels that way. Disappear.
But tough luck, he has responsibilities. And responsibility to address his issues if he is to continue living with his family.

spuddel · 24/05/2023 15:42

OP my dh was similar when ds was a toddler for several years, it was like living with Victor Meldrew. In his case, it was because he loathed his job and was planning a way out. Life is like night and day now that he loves what he does.

I think you have to speak up and tell him you're not interested in accepting this atmosphere any longer and he needs to get creative with resolving his time poor life. He alone is causing an atmosphere in an otherwise happy home.

JJ8765 · 24/05/2023 15:43

He doesn’t like parenting. ExH was same the novelty wore off and he wanted his free time and hobbies back. Dc hated him. Just as well he wasn’t here for the mid to late teens as it would have been a war zone. It does have a negative impact on dc. They notice the impatience. They say it made them feel they were never good enough or interesting enough. He overreacted to very ordinary teen behaviour - they were good kids but you would think they’d robbed a bank each morning. We woke up to him yelling about something trivial every day. They have an odd relationship now I’m sure ExH thinks he’s a wonderful dad but the DC know he only wants to see them in short bursts and they are always on their best behaviour to keep him happy so it’s all quite artificial really.