DH so miserable

[freyafreud]

Just that really!

He's just so negative and miserable at times

He says he's very busy with work but surely that doesn't mean it's fair to our family to be so grumpy.

Every weekend for weeks he's said he feels unwell or tired, but seems fine in the week. I've said perhaps he has an allergy to me and DC

He takes part in family stuff but sort of halfheartedly. I've raised it with him and he said he's just tired etc. he seems to think not doesn't impact us, but it brings the whole vibe down.

Yesterday he was very busy with work and then came down for dinner with us. In the five minutes I was dishing up he started telling DC off and wrestled iPad off one of them. It just feels so unnecessary. They'd been absolutely fine until he appeared.

This morning DC was bargaining with me in a jovial/semi-whining way, which I was dealing with, and once again he gets involved to say something negative about DC always complaining. I ignored him but think I wonder where they get it from?!

I do absolutely everything for him, DC and the home, and am happy to, but I'm getting tired of being sympathetic to his misery. I know he's busy but we all are, so are millions of other parents. We are A LOT more fortunate than many many people.

I feel at some level he's unhappy with his lot, but it was a joint decision to get married and have children. It's a bit late to change our minds now!

If ever DH gets like this I start calling him 'Victor Meldrew' and that makes him buck his ideas up.

Your DH can be as miserable as he likes in his own time, but he's not being fair on either you or the dc to make all of you miserable as well.

Do you work OP or is the financial burden solely on him? If it is and he is pressured/stressed at work with nothing left at the end of the month and little time to enjoy his hobbies, little wonder he is miserable and resenting his lot.

Maybe...but what's the cause?

I don’t think depression has a cause necessarily. And that’s not hers to define.

I’ve had a h with serious “can’t work”style depression. Lack of interest in life and energy was a side effect

he then was diagnosed with ASD which was strangely helpful

Do you work similar hours to him? If you work less, is there any way you can pick up more for a time to give him a bit of a breather from work. It sounds like he has gotten into chronic stress mode and he needs a bit of a break to bring his body and mind back to a non-chronically stressed state.

It could be depression, it could be chronic stress, it could be work burnout.

Many reasons why people lose joy and enjoyment and pleasure in day to day life.

If his life was joyful then I don't think he would be behaving this way. She has raised an issue so she needs to try to understand the cause.

WOW.

I think this is probably more common than most men or women would ever admit!

I think you need to get a job so he can drop to part-time (and he can pick up more of the family/house work too).

We can’t ANALYSE a stranger

wtf

I also generally feel lots of men don’t like having kids. Everything is great in their relationship, then kids come along and it changes everything for them. Women’s priorities change, they change and everything becomes more difficult, noisier, more expensive and messier for men. Not every man, but if you read MN, there’s plenty it applies to.

Agree. I would think 90% of men don't like kids or family life.

Let's be honest, it can be pretty shit!

Weird how these threads go one way or the other. I posted under a different username about my DH who is exactly like this. I was told he was abusive and LTB.

Pps saying men don't like having a family 🙄 I mean come on. Not liking noise and mess is not a father-only preference. Yet somehow women are expected to suck it up and pander to the men who somehow hold down high powered jobs but can't cope with basic parenting and chores at home.

I work 4 days, DH works 5. I've told him to apply for flexible working and get that down to 4 so we're "equal". He won't do it. Last time he blew up about some minor thing and blamed work stress I told him to quit working and I'll be the breadwinner, he can do all the kid/house stuff and never deal with work again. He didn't like that. So it's not about the work stress, or depression, it's men feeling that they have the right to inflict their negativity and emotions on the people closest to them. They don't have to own their emotions or consider the impact on anyone else.

OP is mindful of everyone's emotions here, is DH mindful of hers? Probably not.

All the emotional labour is on women while men get to rampage around acting our their feelings and not taking any responsibility for how their moods impact anyone else.

I imagine at work he doesn't behave like that to his boss? Interesting isn't it.