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Original poster

DH and his work / earnings...where is the line?

47 replies

wheresmymojo · 23/05/2023 07:41

I've been married to DH for 5 years and together for nearly 8 years.

His work has been an ongoing point of contention...it's a fairly familiar story on here I think.

When we met he wasn't earning a great deal but was 'building up a new business' as he'd just started a new gym. Fair enough, I understand that starting businesses means you may not earn a great deal in the first year or two.

I won't go through all the ins and outs of the intervening years but he's remained in the fitness industry (it's the only thing he's ever done) and his wages have been up and down.

He has (apart from one period of unemployment) always contributed to bills but much, much less than me (I am a high-ish earner).

Over the pandemic we converted our garage to a small 121 gym. For a while things really seemed on the up and only six months ago he was fully booked (30 hours of clients, so with what he has to do between clients he was working full time).

It was great, for a year or two he was actually able to contribute 'properly' to the household (I.e. more than the minimum £750).

Cut to a couple of months ago and I become aware that he seems to have a lot of free time so I see in his calendar that he's back to only 10-15 hours per week. This week is 10 hours.

TBH while I'm a high earner we have high outgoings as we have debt to pay from the pandemic when neither of us was able to work for much of the time.

I don't mind him paying less in to the household if/when he is working full time or close to full time.

I do mind that I often feel he isn't striving as hard as I would be to get new clients. I feel resentful that he seems to feel able to 'take it easy' because he knows I'm here covering the bills.

I work quite long hours (often 7am-7pm) and while I love the job I have now I've often (including the previous 18 months) had to work through periods of very bad mental health at jobs I hate to keep the mortgage and bills paid.

In terms of around the house - he does a fair amount (makes me breakfast in bed, lunch and dinner, makes me coffee through the day, does all the dishes, does the laundry - not very well, bins) but isn't very good at actual 'cleaning' (which is why I make him do my meals because otherwise it would be massively out of balance). I do all finances, DIY, cleaning between the weekly clean.

We don't have any DC.

He's a lovely guy and absolutely my rock and takes great care of me when I go through bad mental health spells but...

I loose sight of what's reasonable in terms of expecting financial contributions.

We're in our early 40s so this isn't going to consistently get any better...he has no pension but is an only child of fairly wealthy, older parents though (sorry, morbid but relevant to longer term financial contributions).

Last month he contributed £1250 as we were running low on money due to a holiday. I just noticed he took £750 back from my salary this month and told him he had to repay it as otherwise we weren't going to be able to pay our bills.

He said (in a 'tone') "Well where am I going to get that money back from then? My business account is very low at the moment"

I replied "Work harder then. You have ten hours this week" 🤷🏻‍♀️

Am I being unreasonable?

It's relevant to know I'm the 'spender' in the relationship, he spends a lot on groceries for himself but very rarely on much else.

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresmymojo · 23/05/2023 08:18

Hopeful bump although I've realised how long my opening post is and that I usually skip long OPs Blush

OP posts:
Wombastic · 23/05/2023 08:22

YANBU. He is now using you as his personal bank. The problem might be that his clients have dumped him unexpectedly but he needs to go apply for a PT job in that case. Time to set boundaries

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 23/05/2023 08:27

He should work longer hours really.

Can you (as the 'spender') cut down on your hours and your spending?

You sound like you get on very well. Maybe he could increase his hours a bit, you could decrease yours, and you could have a very nice life?

pecanpie101 · 23/05/2023 08:29

If his lifestyle isn't being covered by his wages then he needs to earn more money. Either a second job or working more in the job he has. A lot of people (inc me) are working overtime/taking a second job to pay bills. Your finances sound very unbalanced.

If he doesn't want to do that then you are going to have some awkward conversations.

How much are your joint bills? Can he cover his share 50:50?

Changingplace · 23/05/2023 08:31

Yanbu, does he know how much your combined bills are and how much you’re subsiding him every month? He’s taking the piss completely.

GOODCAT · 23/05/2023 08:32

Not unreasonable to say he needs to work full time or at least enough to pay his regular contribution and save for a pension regardless of any potential inheritance as nothing is a given.

I am the higher earner by far but my husband has always worked at least 40 hours a week. I have huge respect for him and what he does but I would lose that rapidly if he was working so little he couldn't contribute financially properly unless he was too unwell or he had caring responsibilities.

NectarCard · 23/05/2023 08:34

LOOOOOL is here serious? I have a full time job and do similar work to your partner on the side. It doesn’t really pay, it’s pocket money. He needs employment

HerMammy · 23/05/2023 08:35

Is this correct, he contributed £1250 then took back £750 which in effect means he contributed £500?
What did he need £750 for?? His 'business' must have very low outgoings?
Maybe time for a salaried job.

Aprilx · 23/05/2023 08:35

I think working ten hours a week at his age when you have no children, is not something I could accept from a partner. There is plenty of work around, he needs to do something else to fit in alongside seeing clients. Or maybe he needs to go back to work full time in fitness and forget about running a business, he doesn’t seem to have the drive required for a business owner.

febrezeme · 23/05/2023 08:36

In my experience once the resentment sets in it's hard to pull it back. You need to make it clear that there are minimum expectations of what he must contribute towards bills/living costs. Set a max period of day 6 months that after which if there isn't an improvement in income then he needs to get a full time employed job

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/05/2023 08:38

He needs to get another job- self employment is a hard slog and not for everyone. No children tbh I see no reason to subsidise another healthy adult!

TravelDazzle · 23/05/2023 08:38

Where did all his previous clients go??

He either needs to work harder to get more clients or get a paying job to contribute to the bills and take the pressure off you. He is taking the piss.

jay55 · 23/05/2023 08:52

How much would your mental health improve if you weren't worrying for two about paying the bills?

fiorentina · 23/05/2023 08:58

He needs to work hard to take on more clients and if that’s not viable get another job in the spare hours he has. 10 hours a week is a joke when you’re taking all the financial and mental pressure. If he can’t see that himself though I think you have a bigger issue.

SheilaFentiman · 23/05/2023 09:02

Can he combine his 121 work with shifts at a local gym as a PT or class teacher? I imagine a fair few people are cutting back on 121 spend with COL.

I think you also need some transparency about accounts. He shouldn’t just take money back from you without a conversation!

MrsCarson · 23/05/2023 09:04

10 hours is a hobby. He needs to get a real job and contribute properly or go and try to fund himself elsewhere on his 10 hours a week pay. What a piss taker he is.

HVPRN · 23/05/2023 09:08

SheilaFentiman · 23/05/2023 09:02

Can he combine his 121 work with shifts at a local gym as a PT or class teacher? I imagine a fair few people are cutting back on 121 spend with COL.

I think you also need some transparency about accounts. He shouldn’t just take money back from you without a conversation!

This seems like a good idea. Then he'll be meeting potential clients in the industry he is working in. My Ex years ago was a PT and worked in a gym. The PT clients still went to the gym and topped up with personal 121 to achieve goals with him. So it may increase his client base - I do believe the gym where he worked took a cut though. But it worked well.

Or he could find a new passion and return to uni. Either way, he needs to contribute more. Do you have access to his business spends to see if he is managing?

Rocket1982 · 23/05/2023 09:15

if you are the big spender, I think you need to calculate different shares of the monthly budget. Then ask yourself about the bills, mortgage etc. would those be as high if it weren’t for your decisions? He might have been fine with a smaller house a lower bills. Not everyone wants to spend their time in a high paying job. Granted 10-15 hrs is not much but I think £750 isn’t unreasonable for half of bills, mortgage and food. Our monthly budget for essentials is about £1500 and we have 2 kids. 40 hrs per week would be a lot to do in a high intensity physical job (personal trainer?). If it is mainly you who has driven the expensive lifestyle it also should be mainly you funding it.

planthelpadvice · 23/05/2023 09:16

Yes agree with others that surely he could look for a part time role in a local gym and still continue with his 121 clients? Or look for opportunities to diversify his business in some way. Could he run group fitness classes in a local hall for example, or group training outdoors over the summer? I would think this time of year with summer kicking in is a key time for people wanting to get in shape? Plus lighter evenings means more opportunities to do stuff outdoors and outside of regular office hours to enable more people to attend.

MrLbz · 23/05/2023 09:31

It's not clear to me that he ISN'T paying his way here. Sounds like he has simple needs which is job supports and perhaps you are the higher earner and spender.

I don't think its reasonable for you to expect him to step up to a much higher paced career to support holidays and a home that he would be happy without or smaller.

FangsForTheMemory · 23/05/2023 09:35

MrLbz · 23/05/2023 09:31

It's not clear to me that he ISN'T paying his way here. Sounds like he has simple needs which is job supports and perhaps you are the higher earner and spender.

I don't think its reasonable for you to expect him to step up to a much higher paced career to support holidays and a home that he would be happy without or smaller.

Working ten hours a week isn’t a career, it’s a paying hobby!

OP, have you asked him why he’s lost so many clients? Is he possibly useless at what he does?

JJ8765 · 23/05/2023 09:37

Universal credit have a floor for self employment which is 40 hours per week x min wage. Below that and the business isn’t considered viable and you are expected to get a job. My ex was the same and it never got better even when he made an effort it was short lived. Don’t be me and being fleeced for your pension and house by someone who spent their days doing hobbies and pretending to run a business. The resentment will kill the marriage it’s only a case of when and how much it will cost you.

billy1966 · 23/05/2023 09:43

OP,

You are some mug.

He is semi retired.

When his inheritance comes in at some point you will have zero rights to it, despite him living off you for years.

He is a spoiled, lazy, entitled, work shy man, and you are his work horse.

Silly woman.

He is entitled to 50% of what you have, the longer you leave it.

Start valuing yourself.

You are working max out to subsidise a selfish lazy man.

Itmustbenaptime · 23/05/2023 09:52

I work on an hourly basis and each hour with a client has some prep time before and follow-up time afterwards, and also it's often impossible to get hours of work scheduled back to back. So it's worth bearing in mind that 10 hours with PT clients could easily be 20 hours spaced at odd times of the week with awkward gaps in between. I imagine cost of living means maybe it's harder to find clients too...
Just another perspective to add to what has been said already!

LittleOwl153 · 23/05/2023 09:55

I would say for a relationship with no kids/dependants, my starting point for a line would be half the mortgage and associated household costs, and in your case half the debt payments. If he cannot consistently cover that by being self employed then he needs to be looking for a job, if he has a fulltime 35hrs+ job and still can't cover the above THEN I'd be prepared to have a conversation about reduced shares.

AND I would not tolerate him removing £750 from MY SALARY without comment because he's too lazy to earn his own money. That would need to come back today. (Stop paying your salary into an account he has access to if you can't see what's in his 'business account')