DH and his work / earnings...where is the line?

[wheresmymojo]

I've been married to DH for 5 years and together for nearly 8 years.

His work has been an ongoing point of contention...it's a fairly familiar story on here I think.

When we met he wasn't earning a great deal but was 'building up a new business' as he'd just started a new gym. Fair enough, I understand that starting businesses means you may not earn a great deal in the first year or two.

I won't go through all the ins and outs of the intervening years but he's remained in the fitness industry (it's the only thing he's ever done) and his wages have been up and down.

He has (apart from one period of unemployment) always contributed to bills but much, much less than me (I am a high-ish earner).

Over the pandemic we converted our garage to a small 121 gym. For a while things really seemed on the up and only six months ago he was fully booked (30 hours of clients, so with what he has to do between clients he was working full time).

It was great, for a year or two he was actually able to contribute 'properly' to the household (I.e. more than the minimum £750).

Cut to a couple of months ago and I become aware that he seems to have a lot of free time so I see in his calendar that he's back to only 10-15 hours per week. This week is 10 hours.

TBH while I'm a high earner we have high outgoings as we have debt to pay from the pandemic when neither of us was able to work for much of the time.

I don't mind him paying less in to the household if/when he is working full time or close to full time.

I do mind that I often feel he isn't striving as hard as I would be to get new clients. I feel resentful that he seems to feel able to 'take it easy' because he knows I'm here covering the bills.

I work quite long hours (often 7am-7pm) and while I love the job I have now I've often (including the previous 18 months) had to work through periods of very bad mental health at jobs I hate to keep the mortgage and bills paid.

In terms of around the house - he does a fair amount (makes me breakfast in bed, lunch and dinner, makes me coffee through the day, does all the dishes, does the laundry - not very well, bins) but isn't very good at actual 'cleaning' (which is why I make him do my meals because otherwise it would be massively out of balance). I do all finances, DIY, cleaning between the weekly clean.

We don't have any DC.

He's a lovely guy and absolutely my rock and takes great care of me when I go through bad mental health spells but...

I loose sight of what's reasonable in terms of expecting financial contributions.

We're in our early 40s so this isn't going to consistently get any better...he has no pension but is an only child of fairly wealthy, older parents though (sorry, morbid but relevant to longer term financial contributions).

Last month he contributed £1250 as we were running low on money due to a holiday. I just noticed he took £750 back from my salary this month and told him he had to repay it as otherwise we weren't going to be able to pay our bills.

He said (in a 'tone') "Well where am I going to get that money back from then? My business account is very low at the moment"

I replied "Work harder then. You have ten hours this week" 🤷🏻‍♀️

Am I being unreasonable?

It's relevant to know I'm the 'spender' in the relationship, he spends a lot on groceries for himself but very rarely on much else.

Yeah I agree. My ex needed the time to prep, then follow up after ready for next session/motivation.

it sounds like you are living a "traditional" husband -wife relationship but in reverse ie. you are the main earner he has the "hobby"/"keep his hand in" job....if you had kids i could understand this as he would be picking up the slack(or if he was doing the majority of the housework/home based tasks which some consider a fair trade to support a partner doing extreme hours) but seeing as you don't, you do need to question what your financial goals are together? you are going to be funding your joint retirement! not everyone is money driven and that is fine but sounds like this is impacting on your mental and physical well-being.

This is reasonably similar to my set up but we have a school aged child which I guess makes quite a big difference. It works for us - I do most of the earning (I made over 10x DH's income last tax year) and he does most of the domestic stuff. I pay all of the mortgage and all household expenses and we mostly just save DH's income as it fluctuates a lot and can't really be relied upon.

DH hardly spends anything (he's just not a spender) and would be very happy with a much smaller house and mortgage so I never feel he should be paying half the mortgage. I do sometimes daydream about how much earlier I could retire if he earned more though!

sounds like he should get a second regular job to back up his self employed work, even if it's a couple of evenings at a pub or a day in an office or something. That way he's always got regular income and he can plan his other work around it.

it's a reasonable request to ask him.

Min wage take home pay for 35 hours is £1350 a month. £500-750 pcm is not a viable business. It’s a vanity project which wasn’t the deal he made with his wife. As no dc I would also keep finances separate. You will pay off the debt quicker if he can’t access any non bill money. When ex left I paid down debts we had had most of the marriage really quickly once money for expensive hobbies (done when should have been working) wasn’t disappearing.

He’s taking the piss out of you. 10 hours is what a lot of people do in a day. If his business ain’t profitable, it ain’t a business it’s a hobby.

I think you need to be asking him why he only has 10 hours of work booked in. Is he not advertising properly? Are people dissatisfied with the service? Does he have enough potential clients but can't be bothered to take on any more? Is the cost of living crisis causing the drop off in business, in which case does this model still work?

There's too much imbalance here. You are subsidizing him and working very long hours to support both of you. There are no children involved so it's not like he's saving the family money on childcare by caring for the children when he's not working.

He sounds to me though like he doesn't really see the need to do more work - you are earning enough to provide a comfortable lifestyle for both. He contributes a bit towards that and does seem to at least do a decent amount of housework. He thinks he has an inheritance coming his way (as long as it isn't eaten up by care home fees) so he thinks that in a few years time he'll have a large lump sum of money coming his way, which takes away the stress of needing to work to pay into a pension or to save a lot of money for retirement.

YANBU to say that he needs to work more hours and contribute more financially. If he can't do that through his business then he needs to go back into a job with a regular income.

YANBU at all. It's not so much about the money, it's about the lack of work ethic, ambition etc.

I work PT and earn a lot less than DH (even if I worked FT!) Difference is we have 3 young children and I do the bulk of household stuff too.

The grafting needs to equal, even if the income isn't.

I think I'd look to change the way the joint account works. Bills only. No personal spends. If he wants more spends he has to do more hours. His business account is his business. Not family money.

He needs to get a proper job if he cant make his hobby pay

Maybe he has simpler needs and wants

You know, those of you saying 'maybe OP was the one pushing for the house/hols etc.' - maybe she is. But he clearly has a mouth and should be able to verbalise that actually, he doesn't want have a bigger house or more holidays as he's happy with what he has.

The time to raise this is before monies are committed, not AFTER you already live in the nice house and have just come back from hols

He's taking the piss. Massively.

I don't know what these dinners are that he's making you but they must be delicious.

10 hours a week? 10 hours a day more like. 10 hours a week is a commute, not a full time job.

Fair enough if you're both in the position to work for ten hours a week and cover your bills, then why not, but one of you is pulling the cart and the other one is happy to sit on the back.

Work out what your monthly outgoings are, he needs to make the changes necessary to his earning capacity in order to contribute half.

How did he manage financially before you met him and how does he spend his time when he isn’t working? Unless there is a something you’ve missed out, like caring for sick parents or walking a dog twice a day, he sounds lazy. Tell him he needs to get a job.

Well, a certain size of house is needed to have a garage that can be a gym!

10 hours a week is pathetic really. He’s taking you for a ride & he needs to get a full time job. It’s even worse that you’re working such long hours to keep him. I’d be furious.

Id be very concerned that he is coasting along subsided by you, knowing full well he has a pension coming in the form of an inheritance. Now the issue with this, and its happened time and again, once they get that money or nearly, they up and leave. You have no access to it, but he can take half your pension and the house with him. There is no excuse for not pulling his weight, he could easily do more, but chooses not to, which is a sign of disrespect. Worrying.

OP, put this in context. Your "D"H is working, per week, what you are working A DAY. He needs to work full time hours, it's really simple imo.

YANBU at all! It isn't about the amount he contributes as much as the lack of hours. I used to go out with a personal trainer and yeah, this is fairly typical. Some make it owning their own business, usually in larger cities and especially London- of you can't make to as a PT in London, booked and busy, then you aren't very good at it. Outside London he is better off working for someone else, maybe part time work at a gym and some of his own personal clients would be better. Maybe he needs to look at other work? he seems to enjoy working very part time while having a nice life of someone who works hard.

Well, he's not going to change so the only question is whether you want to be with him or not.

Some people would be fine with being the main earner while their partner pursued a hobby career. Others wouldn't. The only thing that matters is how you feel.

Who owns the house?

I have a friend who is a PT and the COL is impacting PTs so I think some comments on here are not the kindest.

But, he needs to maybe look at adapting his business model, what about online coaching? This is growing massively, doing some classes in a local gym? Improving his marketing. There's a Facebook group which he might find helpful it's called UK PTs

Bur you might also want to seek legal advice incase he plans on going awol once he gets inheritance are you married etc?

But, he needs to maybe look at adapting his business model, what about online coaching?

This is really good advice, my son pays a subscription for some online class thing and I use YouTube for workouts when I am not going tot he gym.

He can’t afford to work ten hours a week. What the actual fuck is he thinking??

And this is outrageous:

I just noticed he took £750 back from my salary this month