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Original poster

breaking my girl friend's heart

35 replies

RayanPH · 23/05/2023 06:56

I am super ashamed of myself for what I did to my girlfriend. It's been almost one year and a half of relationship. But I was dishonest with her. I had a major crush on her sister, and I was assuming that I would deal with these emotions and get back to my girl. I failed at the end, and I was quite wrong. Not only I couldn't ever forget her sister, but also I lost my feelings toward my girlfriend. After 2 weeks of fighting and breaking up, which was like hell, I am super fucked up and I have no choice except searching, reading, talking to get a little better.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Greycloudlooming · 23/05/2023 07:06

Maybe grow up or find someone else without a sister

MagnoliaDreams · 23/05/2023 07:08

I would break up with the girlfriend citing losing feelings towards her and I would never utter a single word about the crush on her sister to a single soul. You would have to be very spiteful and vindictive to let her know about the crush on her sister.
I would then look into what sort of person I am and what kind of life and relationship I want by spending a good amount of time on my own without any dates distracting from introspection about your values and what matters to you in life. Sort your head out before another disaster relationship.

Original poster
RayanPH · 23/05/2023 07:31

MagnoliaDreams · 23/05/2023 07:08

I would break up with the girlfriend citing losing feelings towards her and I would never utter a single word about the crush on her sister to a single soul. You would have to be very spiteful and vindictive to let her know about the crush on her sister.
I would then look into what sort of person I am and what kind of life and relationship I want by spending a good amount of time on my own without any dates distracting from introspection about your values and what matters to you in life. Sort your head out before another disaster relationship.

the thing is, I told her that I have feelings for your sister and let's go to a therapist, let's fix things. We went for some sessions. I couldn't manage my feelings at the end.

OP posts:
Motnight · 23/05/2023 07:32

You don't go to a therapist to fix your feelings.

Move on!

UndercoverCop · 23/05/2023 07:33

What was the benefit of trekking her you fancied her sister? Seems cruel to me. Leave the poor woman alone and maybe grow up a bit before dating another one

DelphiniumBlue · 23/05/2023 07:37

FFS! You are a bad episode in both their lives. Leave them alone and learn from your mistakes.
And how would going to a therapist together help her? Stop being such a selfish prat and start thinking about other people.

PrincessMyshkin · 23/05/2023 07:38

Telling her was wickedly cruel. What did you exactly want her to do with that information? How was she supposed to feel?

You've achieved the appropriate outcome here in that she no longer wants to know. If she had stayed it would have indicated a lack of self esteem on her part.

Try putting yourself in her shoes and considering how might've been a better way to handle this (a clue: MagnoliaDreams has just told you). That is to say, learn some tact and empathy and improve from this.

Leave your ex alone take some time out of dating until you feel you can manage awkward situations better and with more thought for the other person.

Saucemonkey · 23/05/2023 07:39

You can’t fix this. You are dragging out the relationship to stay in touch with the sister. You need to start being honest about your motives

goldenlocks · 23/05/2023 07:41

We all have feelings. We all see attractiveness in people who are not our partners but we stop and think. Our feelings are biological / chemical - they are are base and animal instincts. We use our rational and human (higher) brain to remind us about ethics and morals (right and wrong) and also compassion and kindness to others (how would this make my partner feel, how would I feel if someone did this to me?). We then let the feeling exist in us, but behave with respect.

I also think you need to learn a little about respecting women, what healthy relationships look like and what women want/deserve/need.

Original poster
RayanPH · 23/05/2023 07:44

PrincessMyshkin · 23/05/2023 07:38

Telling her was wickedly cruel. What did you exactly want her to do with that information? How was she supposed to feel?

You've achieved the appropriate outcome here in that she no longer wants to know. If she had stayed it would have indicated a lack of self esteem on her part.

Try putting yourself in her shoes and considering how might've been a better way to handle this (a clue: MagnoliaDreams has just told you). That is to say, learn some tact and empathy and improve from this.

Leave your ex alone take some time out of dating until you feel you can manage awkward situations better and with more thought for the other person.

I told her because she has been such a great supportive partner and she loves her sister and me. I only told her because I thought maybe she could've helped me by understanding me and giving me good feeling in spite of guiltiness. that's why we started going to a therapist.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 23/05/2023 07:48

You told her so she could help you? That's ridiculous.
Give them the greatest courtesy and respect - say good bye and leave them alone. There is no upside to this.

AxolotlOnions · 23/05/2023 07:48

It's ok to fancy other people when you're in a relationship, it is not ok to tell your partner, especially if it's their sister. Learn from this and move on.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/05/2023 07:49

RayanPH · 23/05/2023 07:31

the thing is, I told her that I have feelings for your sister and let's go to a therapist, let's fix things. We went for some sessions. I couldn't manage my feelings at the end.

Show quote history

Fucking Hell

You dragged her to a therapist so you could rabbit on about wanting to bone her sister?! This is not what couples therapy is for. Fixing you is not what women are for.

I’m going to charitably assume you are young, so:

Leave your girlfriend, torturing someone emotionally isn’t cool.

Realise that you fucked up.

Resolve to do better next time - you can’t help your feelings, you can help dragging people with you.

Don’t get married or buy a house with anyone for at least 5 years or until you are 30 (whichever is later). You have some growing up to do.

PrincessMyshkin · 23/05/2023 07:49

RayanPH · 23/05/2023 07:44

I told her because she has been such a great supportive partner and she loves her sister and me. I only told her because I thought maybe she could've helped me by understanding me and giving me good feeling in spite of guiltiness. that's why we started going to a therapist.

Show quote history

This is possibly the most self obsessed and stupid thing I have every heard, in person or online. You thought that it was your girlfriend's duty to help you overcome your romantic and sexual feelings towards her sister?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 23/05/2023 07:49

So you told her you fancied her sister so that she could make you feel better about it?

You're a tosser, she's right to leave you. She doesn't have to accept, tolerate and comfort you because you can't keep your eyes to yourself.

Leave her and her sister alone and let them find a decent partner.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 23/05/2023 07:52

RayanPH · 23/05/2023 07:44

I told her because she has been such a great supportive partner and she loves her sister and me. I only told her because I thought maybe she could've helped me by understanding me and giving me good feeling in spite of guiltiness. that's why we started going to a therapist.

Show quote history

Oh, it’s all you you you, isn’t it? Stop burdening this poor woman with your self pity. Have you considered how this will affect her? Or her relationship with her sister?

Gazelda · 23/05/2023 07:52

Apologise to her. For breaking her heart and for dragging her innocent sister into your mess.

Then promise never to contact her or the sister again. And keep the promise. Forever.

Spend some time single. Reflect on your selfish behaviour. Be better in future relationships.

Marineboy67 · 23/05/2023 07:53

Ffs give your head a wobble. What on earth were you thinking by telling her you fancied her sister? Absolute cardinal sin and nail in the coffin for any future hope of a relationship with your girlfriend. Not only have you ruined your relationship with her but you've also put her relationship with her sister in jeopardy. How insulting to then drag her along to some therapy sessions. You don't need therapy you need to stop being selfish and leave the poor girl alone. Time to grow up as others have pointed out!

Spacestace · 23/05/2023 07:54

Generally if you fancy someone else, especially their sister the best thing is to end things, not expect them to help you work through your feelings wtf.

Original poster
RayanPH · 23/05/2023 07:54

goldenlocks · 23/05/2023 07:41

We all have feelings. We all see attractiveness in people who are not our partners but we stop and think. Our feelings are biological / chemical - they are are base and animal instincts. We use our rational and human (higher) brain to remind us about ethics and morals (right and wrong) and also compassion and kindness to others (how would this make my partner feel, how would I feel if someone did this to me?). We then let the feeling exist in us, but behave with respect.

I also think you need to learn a little about respecting women, what healthy relationships look like and what women want/deserve/need.

my feelings toward her sister aren't based on animal instinct. Actually it's been 5 years I met her sister in the first semester of the university and I had a crush on her. But I berried my feelings in my heart and tried to forget her. until her sister ( my girl ) told me last year that she was in love with me. And I wasn't sure to accept or not. maybe I did because I haven't had any relationships in my life. At that point, I didn't know my feelings toward her sister would come back after a while. So we moved on to the point I felt that I am getting fucked up with those emotions. I realized I warned myself, but it was too late.

OP posts:
AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 07:55

Leave them both well alone. It was a year, she'll move on & in no time you'll be 'do you remember that dick head that was so fucked up he made me go to therapy because he wanted to fuck you? Knob head'.

stop rating yourself so highly.

grow up & stop being such a self absorbed idiot who thinks women exist to worship & fix you.

IhearyouClemFandango · 23/05/2023 08:01

Why do you think she should be giving you 'good feelings'? Grow up. You should have just finished with her. Or even better, not started seeing her.

AFishCalledKeith · 23/05/2023 08:06

Someone get out the violins - they're needed for this pity party.

cocksstrideintheevening · 23/05/2023 08:07

Good grief. Grow up.

AgentJohnson · 23/05/2023 08:08

Urgh, you really thought that it was your gf’s responsibility to help you get over your crush for her sister. Crushes are normal, staying in a very new relationship when your crush that predates the relationship, is still ongoing is pure selfishness.

No one owes you a relationship.