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Original poster

Can you really tell so much about someone from the fact they cheated?

50 replies

PushedButtons · 22/05/2023 19:02

I see a lot of comments posted along the lines of ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’, ‘it shows who they really are’ etc.

Ive been cheated on but have also cheated. I’m not proud of this and it caused a lot of unnecessary pain all round. I’ve given it a lot of thought and come to understand my reasons. My conclusion is that I have major issues with boundaries and am now working on that.

I don’t plan to get in another relationship any time soon, but I like to think I wouldn’t make the same mistake again because it happened due to a specific set of circumstances that I wouldn’t tolerate again.

I feel uncomfortable with the thought that I now have a sort of ‘marker’ on me, that I am tainted by what I did. Or that it says something about my character. I am the villain in my exBF’s story although I try to live by the saying that other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. Maybe I just need to care less what other people think.

OP posts:
Rainydays777 · 22/05/2023 19:07

I don’t think once a cheater always a cheater. It can be true in the case of genuine narcissists, and indeed, often is.

for others I think the likelihood of cheating again, in the same relationship, is extremely high. But not necessarily a risk in a new relationship, particularly if they’ve done a lot of healing and worked to understand why it happened and how they can change.

Fidgety31 · 22/05/2023 19:13

I think everyone has the potential to cheat - given the right set of circumstances .

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/05/2023 19:13

I don't believe in the once a cheater either, it's too glib. And let's face it, people show who they really are (good and bad) by a lot of things, not just cheating.

JANetChick · 22/05/2023 19:14

I’ve cheated once. Would never cheat on my current DP though. The leopard and spots cliche isn’t really true. I also have a few friends (male and female) who have cheated in the past but I genuinely believe wouldn’t dream of it now. And I know someone who was totally faithful to his wife of 25 years but cheated on one of the women he went out with after his wife’s death. It’s unpredictable.

I will say that I suspect that once you’ve cheated on a specific partner and been caught but forgiven, it’s easier to do it again because you now suspect that they’ll probably turn a blind eye.

BigCheeseSandwich · 22/05/2023 19:31

humans are so complicated and have affairs for all kinds of reasons. Saying “once a cheater” is reductive and of course not true every time.

GreyCarpet · 22/05/2023 21:01

No it's just bullshit nonsense that women post on here to say to other women because they think it'll make them feel better.

Some people are cheaters. Some people have cheated. There's a difference between the two.

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 22/05/2023 21:04

PushedButtons · 22/05/2023 19:02

I see a lot of comments posted along the lines of ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’, ‘it shows who they really are’ etc.

Ive been cheated on but have also cheated. I’m not proud of this and it caused a lot of unnecessary pain all round. I’ve given it a lot of thought and come to understand my reasons. My conclusion is that I have major issues with boundaries and am now working on that.

I don’t plan to get in another relationship any time soon, but I like to think I wouldn’t make the same mistake again because it happened due to a specific set of circumstances that I wouldn’t tolerate again.

I feel uncomfortable with the thought that I now have a sort of ‘marker’ on me, that I am tainted by what I did. Or that it says something about my character. I am the villain in my exBF’s story although I try to live by the saying that other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. Maybe I just need to care less what other people think.

I'm similar to you, only that I'm ten years down the line, happily married with DC.

I wouldn't even look at another man- DH is the love of my life.

You don't have a "marker" you have a colourful past.

Learn from it but don't repeat it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 21:04

PushedButtons

some people cheat because they fuck up and some because they are Serial amoral cheaters

weve all done fuxked up shit
don’t let it define you

Puppers · 22/05/2023 21:13

I think it depends. There are definitely people who cheat serially because they either don't care about other people, are deeply flawed, narcissistic etc. Lots of reasons. Reasons that are nothing to do with their partners or their circumstances, but are purely down to their own character (or lack thereof). Some people will never change and will always be incapable of - or unwilling to commit to- a monogamous relationship.

Other people cheat because of specific circumstances that lead to them behaving in a way that is not characteristic of who they really are. These people may or may not cheat again in the future but I don't believe it's a given that they will.

SunnyLion · 22/05/2023 21:32

Its pretty simple, some people choose to cheat on their partners and others wouldn't even think of doing it.
It's a real shitty thing to do and shows what kind of a person someone is.

Wherearemymarbles · 22/05/2023 22:53

I think its over simplistic but not entirely without merit
saving ‘I’ve cheated in the past but would never do that to dp who is the love of my life’ leads to the riposte ‘yep, right up to the point where dp is no longer the love of your life’

so personally I do think someone who cheated before ending a bad relationship is more likely to cheat again if things go south than someone who has never cheated

1Step2Step · 23/05/2023 01:33

I truly believe anyone has the potential to cheat given the right scenario and temptation.

Just because someone cheated on a partner / previous partner doesn’t mean they will absolutely do it again in the future either. Having said that, the more times they cheated in the past and how long ago is probably more of an indicator of how they respect in (and have boundaries) their future or current relationships.

I’d like to think that some cheaters reflect back on why it happened and try to learn from that experience or bad behaviour.

Emptycrackedcup · 23/05/2023 01:49

Fidgety31 · 22/05/2023 19:13

I think everyone has the potential to cheat - given the right set of circumstances .

I agree with this. I think people can cheat and also not cheat, it's a conscious choice; except for actual serial cheaters

Weatherwax13 · 23/05/2023 03:25

I cheated in my first marriage. Fessed up and left exH after a month as i couldn't handle the deceit - but i still did it.
Been in second marriage for 20-odd years and been entirely faithful. And we've had a couple of extremely rocky patches but it still never occurred to me to look elsewhere. I'm a different person to that unhappy young woman.
I think some people cheat in specific circumstances with one specific person as in my case.

Oblomov23 · 23/05/2023 03:44

"I think everyone has the potential to cheat - given the right set of circumstances ."

I disagree with this. Never have, never will. Because it goes against my morals, I feel that strongly about it.

momager1 · 23/05/2023 04:37

I asked my husband on our second date..if he had ever cheated on his first wife, He said yes. I was ready to pull the plug on that one,, but he called me the next day and asked if it was a dealbreaker. I said yes. Then he said that they had already been seperated for five months but he considered it cheating as they were not divorced. I now know this to be factual. Thank god i did not walk away that day as I have for twenty years now had the most amazing husband.

ZadelRoad · 23/05/2023 05:21

I personally wouldn't have a bar of anyone who cheated on someone. Not as a partner or as a friend.
The destruction it has caused in my life for my family and myself there is no way if someone was waving red flags at me, telling me that they've done it before, therefore have the potential to do it again then no thank you.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

ZadelRoad · 23/05/2023 05:24

Oh and plenty who have done it before and say "I'd never do it again I felt sooooo baaaddd" etc go on to do it again. So the claims by those who say that including those in this thread doesn't mean they really won't do it again. Perhaps they just haven't found the next bed to jump in yet.... But just because someone says they won't means nothing. If they have, they are showing they have no worries about doing that sort of thing.

suburbophobe · 23/05/2023 05:32

I think everyone has the potential to cheat - given the right set of circumstances

I don't agree.

People cheat because they are afraid to be alone and want to have someone lined up before leaving a relationship.

But yes, I've been cheated on. Selfish when children are in the mix.

Nofireworksneeded · 23/05/2023 05:41

Wherearemymarbles · 22/05/2023 22:53

I think its over simplistic but not entirely without merit
saving ‘I’ve cheated in the past but would never do that to dp who is the love of my life’ leads to the riposte ‘yep, right up to the point where dp is no longer the love of your life’

so personally I do think someone who cheated before ending a bad relationship is more likely to cheat again if things go south than someone who has never cheated

XH of 20 years used to pride himself on telling me I was the only person he'd never cheated on.

Until he did.

awakeeveeynight · 23/05/2023 06:08

I think most people could / would cheat in the right circumstances. And lots of people do. Some do it because they are selfish and honestly don't care. Some because they enjoy the chase or the power dynamic it creates. Some because they're really drunk and have made a genuine mistake (it happens...). Some because they've fallen out of love with their partner and in love with someone new.
Shit happens. People do hurtful things. They can also learn from their mistakes and not do it again or even how not to get caught next time.
It's much more common than many people on mumsnet think.

MagnoliaDreams · 23/05/2023 06:25

In your shoes, I would be upfront about my past cheating if the subject comes up. The chances are they either like you so much they are willing to take a risk on you or they have cheated, too. If cheating is inexcusable for them then it's best to know your values don't align early on.

The old line that if the circumstances are right everyone will cheat can be said about anything, if never found out kill someone that harmed you and get away with it or rob a bank and be a millionaire.

I think cheating says a lot about your character and moral compass. The good news for cheaters is that many people are immoral that you are (unfortunately) likely to be in good company.

When I think of an ideal partner, I would want someone who is honest, loyal, respectful, direct, decisive, honourable, courageous, committed, reliable. I don't think a cheater is any of those.

Bottom line, yes it's a mark against your character but you will still find someone willing to overlook it.

WonkyPicture · 23/05/2023 06:28

2 months ago I'd have been straight here to tell you my husband cheated 16 years ago but we'd made it work, that we'd had counselling and that we were stronger as we'd now recognise what was happening and we would stop it, that we had a brilliant relationship. However, I know you know what is coming, he has cheated again. Only this time I've kicked him out and he's gone to the OW. He cheated on his first wife (not with me) I got the full story of how she'd cheated first etc etc. so I was suckered in to trusting him, thinking that won't happen to me. So he's cheated 3 times, had two marriages break down due to his infidelity. He just blames it on his anxiety and mental health. In reality he's just a low life wrapping up his narcissism in self pity. He's destroyed the lives of the 3 children he claims he lives for. They can all see through him though.

I still don't think once a cheater always a cheater, but I do think 3 times a cheater and 2 divorces citing infidelity, does!

MagnoliaDreams · 23/05/2023 06:30

Being a genuinely good, decent human being isn't about what you do when people are watching. The fact you or most people have 'got away' with cheating under the 'right circumstances' doesn't change the fact that what you have done is wrong. You have to live with this knowledge, and it's the selfish, narcissistic psychopathy to justify for yourself and twist your life narrative into a sick justification of how it was ok for you because you had your reasons is the core of the issue for me, that you can have that dichotomy in your character and perception of right and wrong when it suits your own interests. That's not a good person to me, a good person does the right thing even at their own cost and inconvenience.

MsMandy · 23/05/2023 06:31

Some people will see you as having a marker, a red flag. That might be because they've been cheated on. It's not necessarily actually about you, it's about their own pain.
If I was in the early stages of a new relationship and found they were a past cheater, I'd end it. That's about me. I've been cheated on and it changed me. I became different and I would never want to be with someone who could knowingly cause that hurt. I know anyone could cheat, but it would instantly colour my opinion of them and I'd run for the hills.