Can you really tell so much about someone from the fact they cheated?

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I see a lot of comments posted along the lines of ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’, ‘it shows who they really are’ etc.

Ive been cheated on but have also cheated. I’m not proud of this and it caused a lot of unnecessary pain all round. I’ve given it a lot of thought and come to understand my reasons. My conclusion is that I have major issues with boundaries and am now working on that.

I don’t plan to get in another relationship any time soon, but I like to think I wouldn’t make the same mistake again because it happened due to a specific set of circumstances that I wouldn’t tolerate again.

I feel uncomfortable with the thought that I now have a sort of ‘marker’ on me, that I am tainted by what I did. Or that it says something about my character. I am the villain in my exBF’s story although I try to live by the saying that other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. Maybe I just need to care less what other people think.

I cheated on my exhusband and I don’t regret it. I was miserable in our marriage and it was causing my young child a lot of pain. I needed to get to that point of no return to end the marriage, so I did. The man meant nothing, it happened once and it was the push I needed to leave an abusive marriage. My exhusband still doesn’t know so it hasn’t caused any pain. He is no longer in our lives because he chose not to parent our DS and attacked him instead during a meltdown (DS is autistic with adhd). So definitely no regrets.

I am now in a loving relationship and have been for years. I could never imagine cheating on my partner - I just couldn’t do that to him but also I’ve grown as a person and know how to communicate in a healthy way. I also feel confident that if I needed to leave the relationship I would have the guts to do it immediately rather than needing to cheat as an excuse.

I think everyone has the potential to cheat - given the right set of circumstances

I agree with this.

It only means that everyone has the 'potential' to. Not that everyone ^would,* even if the right set of circumstances presented themselves.

I wouldn't cheat because I respect myself too much. It's not even really about the other person. I was single for a long time and I'd had a crush on somsome for a while who was married. We were part of a friendship group so avoiding him wasn't really possible. But I didn't go out of my way to spend time with him alone and I didn't flirt with him. I had no intention of ever 'catching' him. He tried to kiss me one day. I was horrified and literally ran away from him. I was furious. Both that he thought I was someome who would betray his wife like that (even if he was willing to) and that he thought I'd think so little of myself that I'd accept it.

So I know I'd never cheat. Do I have the potential to? Of course. I'm only human! But would I? No.

I have cheated during dating, but I believe marriage is sacred, I'd never dream of doing it now.

Don't get me wrong, cheating is foul, but the dating period is about finding the right one. Until you've found that one, it's understandable that your head turns... but it shouldn't while married.

For me, it's about integrity. I manage my whole life like that so no cheating, lying, or deception in any aspect of my life. So no, I'll never cheat in a relationship, despite opportunities.

I knew the ex had cheated on previous partners, and she also had poor boundaries, 'If I wanted to sleep with someone else whilst in a relationship it means there's something wrong'.
That kind of rationalizing is a red flag. However when questioned, 'You're the one so it'll not happen to you'.
However, like all paths in life, it does lead to other opportunities. None of which will include a woman who has previously cheated.

For me it's to do with age as well. I cheated on a boyfriend twice, whilst at Uni. We were 300 miles apart. One a rather obsessive fling and the other became my boyfriend for 4 years (I broke up with the original boyfriend the next time I saw him in person) So not proud of it but it happened. As a mature adult wouldn't dream of it even if I was miserable.

I think there are two types of people here
People who cheat because they can and will do so whenever the opportunity presents itself
People who are settled and happy/content in their lives just getting on with things when one day someone walks into their lives that they can't stop thinking about and one of them tracks the other down and pursues a relationship that the other is up for. They may or may not leave their respective partners and set up together, but this is the only time in their life they're unfaithful, it's never repeated.

Maybe if more people came to accept ethical monogamy as a way of life, rather this idea of ball and chain to someone romantically forever, i think there would be less cheating (if we could all admit to ourselves that feeling only attracted to one person until the rest of your life is unreasonable).

People change. That saying is just a saying. A unique set of circumstances will give you a unique outcome.

I think people cheat for one of two reasons :-

1. lust and entitlement
2. desperation

Some people have to force a break in the relationship by cheating as they don’t feel strong enough to leave. Not great but I know a number of people who have done it.

I’ve cheated.

My exH was a serial cheat. For various practical reasons and also extremely low self-esteem, I always stayed. One day I met someone through work and we just connected - I didn’t expect it or look for it, very much out of the blue. We ended up embarking on an affair and, a few months in, I left my H. At that point I ended the relationship with OM too as I realised I have a lot of work to do on myself before I start another relationship, however he has remained a really supportive friend to me through a very difficult time. I should regret the cheating, but I don’t. It helped me get out of a situation that had made me miserable for over a decade. I don’t think it makes me an awful person.

I’ve cheated on every boyfriend I’ve been with apart from dh (who I’ve been married to for 15 years now and been with for longer). I’m not proud of it but I think a lot of it was down to being young and stupid, a dysfunctional and abusive upbringing and drinking way too much (I have been completely sober since I met dh, no alcohol at all). I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in ever cheating again. I think dh and I also have a much closer relationship than anyone I was ever with before; he’s very much part of my family and I can’t imagine ever doing that to him. I think I was just a very different person before.

while this is an oversimplification, what you've said yourself is really what people mean by "once a cheater, always a cheater". It's not that this is some sort of marker or incurable disease, but it is an indicator of deeper characteristics someone may have. Such as issues with boundaries.

if I know someone has cheated I don't automatically assume they are set to cheat again, they probably may even think they won't. But I also know that they already have shown weak will or tendency to follow their in-moment desires regardless of impact. It's the same with all sorts of dubious moral behaviours - if someone is a known liar it's fair to assume they will lie again. Not because they are necessary bad people, but maybe because they struggle to say no, agree to things then back out, maybe they hate confrontation - there can be multitude of reasons with the same end result. They will lie again.

I think it really depends on the reason for cheating.

I have cheated but I was very unhappy, stuck in a sexless marriage with a man who only put me down and verbally abused me. My self esteem was on the floor. People will say 'just leave' but it's not that simple sometimes is it, when you own a house and have so many ties, and nowhere to go.

If I was happy, and treated respectfully and nicely by a partner, I know wouldn't cheat.

On the other hand, I know a guy who is a serial cheater and does it for fun - he cheated on his girlfriend at a party while she was asleep in the next room. I would definitely be wary of people like that. I think some people can't be happy committed to just one person, and that is unlikely to change.

I agree with others that say once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t correct. I’ve cheated once but I was 21 and a different person, in a different life (at uni). To generalise is to assume that people are always the same and can never possibly change. I’d also argue there’s levels to it, most people here are taking the view of there’s kids, marriages, mortgages etc involved and that’s arguably not the same as someone who may have cheated in entirely different circumstances (yes I accept my view is skewed to me and could be perceived as justifying myself).

Other people's opinions are none of your business when they're just opinions or judgments at a distance. I think this is a bit of a self serving axiom when you're talking about someone you were in an intimate relationship with. Your ex partner's response to you cheating on them isn't an opinion- it's their lived experience!

I've cheated in the dim and distant past but didn't cheat on my last partner and actively insulated myself against flirting etc to make sure I wouldn't allow myself to develop feelings for anyone.

My last partner fell in love with someone else by being sure he would never cheat because 'he wasn't that kind of person' so he happily flirted away with anyone who would join in until he surprised himself by falling for someone who felt the same when we were in a down patch 🤷‍♀️

My current partner cheated on a partner years ago but didn't cheat in the 30 years he was with his last partner. I see it as a positive. I figured he's tried that once upon a time but decided it wasn't for him so he actively turned away from it and doesn't put himself in situations where he may be tempted.

I definitely don't agree with 'once a cheat, always a cheat' because I really can't see myself doing anything other than addressing my relationship if I feel like I want to shag someone else. It's a pretty big indicator we need to talk 🤷‍♀️

I think the point here is if you cheat on someone you often inflict terrible emotional and psychological damage. It doesn’t matter if you cheat again or not, you have already damaged another person. Was cheating your only option, I doubt it was.
The best that can be hoped for is that the cheater at some point in the future is betrayed and cheated on, preferably by someone they love and trust deeply.

Yeah but I put money on the fact that you have done other things that people would find abhorrent. Basically NO ONE is perfect . Least of all someone who claims they are

People are very judgemental of cheaters. Imo it doesn't mean someone is forever 'bad'. It's actually very common. I think people balk at it so much because it is one of the biggest threats that can bulldoze into a person's life.

It's true of many cheaters, but of course not all. Some can learn and will not repeat it. Serial cheaters are one category you can count on never changing. Some people, otoh, will only cheat under certain circumstances.
However, it always says something about your character if you are willing to be dishonest and betray somebody. That's not to bash you, it's just reality. It is possible to change your character, but extremely difficult and takes a ton of work for a very long time.

I do think blaming it on inadequate boundaries instead of examining what in your character allowed you to behave with no integrity or empathy for your partner is facile and self deceptive. Self deception is one of the ways people give themselves permission to cheat. They tell themselves lies that they need to do it, that their partner deserves to be betrayed, it's all their partner's fault, that it's due to their super high, uncontrollable libido, etcetera and nauseum. They rationalize their guilt and responsibility away. So considering that you seem to be making a excuse about issues with boundaries (whatever that's supposed to mean in this context, it's not clear in the post) which IMO means you refuse to be fully accountable, I tend to doubt it's your last rodeo. I could be wrong, but that is my take. No disrespect meant, it's just how I see it.

Of course it's unreasonable to think we won't be attracted to others. Why is acting on an attraction just because we can any more reasonable? It's about your priorities. If your priority is hedonism, then you do you. Mine isn't. That doesn't make either of us wrong, we're just different. Anybody who doesn't desire monogamy is not forced to participate, so your "ball and chain" attitude about it is certainly not a justification for cheating. Not everybody sees monogamy the way you do. I love monogamy and could not be any other way. Unfortunately, my ex lied and said he was for it too. That's the problem. Non-monogamous people may want a certain partner and that person desires monogamy, so they just lie to get that partner and they cheat. That's vile. It's the theft of years of your life which were wasted unwittingly living a lie. ENM is not the solution because many people simply could not stand to live that way.

The poster did not claim to be perfect. If you think not being a cheater = perfection, you have a very low bar for perfection.
"Nobody's perfect" is not a justification for lies and betrayal. I am not perfect at all, but this I do not do. Everybody has their own moral code (except sociopaths and other monsters) and it's entirely possible that you would find something I did abhorrent. So what? What's important is that I don't do things that I consider abhorrent. Other people's values have nothing to do with my choices, only my own do. All we need to do is be true to our own values. If, for example, under your values betrayal of a partner is okay, that's your choice to make, but I would not want a person like that involved in my life because of the conflict in values. I could be a friendly, polite acquaintance but not a friend or a lover of a person with wildly different values to mine. The same applies to religious fanatics, the anti abortion and anti gay types. I couldn't be friends with them.

Since he repeatedly chose to abuse you, he broke his vows to you anyway, meaning you were no longer bound by them either. That's a different situation to somebody who cheats on a loving partner. Cruelty begets cruelty and the abuser got a bit of a taste of his own medicine, which I heartily approve of. I hope you sent him a video of it actually. 😉

Attacked his autistic son? Bastard!

but I like to think I wouldn’t make the same mistake again because it happened due to a specific set of circumstances that I wouldn’t tolerate again.

You didn’t cheat because of x, y, and z, you cheated because you chose to. If you cheat in a new relationship it will be because you again made a decision to and that choice is in your control, not because of x, y, z or another variable that isn’t.

The reason so many people cheat again after swearing they wouldn’t, is because they didn’t fully own their cheating in the first place.

You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.