Blended family advice

[Confuzzled78]

my partner and I have been together nearly a year and discussing potentially moving in. I have a 3 year old from a previous relationship and he has an 8 and 12 year old from his previous marriage which ended 3 years ago. he co-parents with his ex wife and his children have met their mums new husband and are super comfortable with him. Because their dad has been single for a while, I notice his daughter gets a bit jealous when I’m around, she will push her way between us and cuddle her dad when
we are cuddling (I’m more of a teaching children about boundaries but this is not my business at the moment) and she cried for hours when she found out him and I are going on our first holiday together. Anyhow, I’m very apprehensive about moving in with my little one although he loves her and the kids get along(in some way as we don’t spend a lot of time together). What’s your opinion on blended families? I’m anxious it will be very hard work considering I have a 3 year old who really likes my partner and when he has his children during the week, might feel left out if his daughter doesn’t want to “share” her dad! Also I’ll be leaving a comfortable setting and moving in to his home which I don’t fully feel ok with as I will always see that as his home and his children’s home! Is it very hard work and will I resent the children and will they be super annoying? I’m curious about everyone’s experience as my little one is small and cute and I am a loving person but worried they kids won’t be receptive to it.

@perfectcolourfound that sounds like a great achievement and echoes the importance of timing! Thank you

OP, that your gut is niggling at you is even more reason to slow down.

You suspect his motives maybe the tiniest bit of one upmanship on his ex?

That he is so unthinking of his children in all this is particularly worrying.

They should be front and centre but clearly he isn't.

You have a little boy who could get misplaced and lost in all of this after being an only child.

The mental load of 5 people is a lot of work, particularly shocking after only yourself and one child.

Lots of women resent the huge workload that suddenly descends on THEM!

Tread with great care.

Our kids, 2 each, have been in each other lives for 9 years. More than half their lives. They do have sibling relations more or less. But that also means that they don't always like each other.

The kids are different mine are firey his are passive. Probably a good thing!

DSC are only there 50/50. And mine were there 100%. So home is always mums house despite having been born in this house.

DSC mum had a huge impact on my kids lives.

Mine will move out at 18, the eldest is at uni in a different country. His will be here for ever. And I'm dreading living with them as adults (now 17 & 14). I'm in my 50s and I'm not interested in a house share with other adults. This is not what we discussed. But as the time to spread their wings arrives DH is suddenly very reluctant.

The relationship between the kids and adults has also changed and not entirely for the better as time has gone on.

You both working and him wanting someone to do the wife-work are not mutually exclusive.

You say yourself, why is he in such a rush? Well why do you think? Maybe to compete with his ex, maybe because he knows his life will be domestically easier with you around.

@Fatat40 im not sure you read my full post? He doesn’t have them full-time! I am more aware of my situation than just what I wrote in the post! The advice re timing is perfect, I wasn’t asking if he was using me.

You may not have been asking the question re him using you, but on MN it will get answered for you, simply because so many young women get lured into a skivvy/aupair dynamic with men that are lazy arses that have little interest in the day to day grind of even 50/50 childcare.

The look around and quickly hook up with a woman they see as a good recruit.

Preferably young, solvent, working FT, who will relieve them of the tedium of childcare.

We see this regularly.
They often have a child with these men and it is only THEN the penny drops to exactly the sort of man they are with.

Take your time.

Look carefully at the state of his home and how good he is with his children, how well he cares for them.

Do NOT rush to step in to doing wimmin/wifey work.

Hold back and watch him get on with it.

If you take your time you will give yourself the space and time to make a well thought out decision.

Don't be rushed, it is invariably never in your best interests.

@billy1966 very good points! I certainly will take my time and not rush into things! Reading more and more into blended families is truly an eye opener! Many thanks for your input

Slow down. Big age gaps between the kids. Will a soon to be teenager really want an unrelated toddler around? What's the rush? Give it a few more years. Once day all the kids will be older and you'll still have plenty of your life left.

I fee part of the reason is that a lot of posters here are sort of stuck in their resentment of relationships not working out...everyone else is just living their life ;)

Blended families are no more or less tricky to navigate than "traditional" families, we just don't really have a cultural blueprint for it so a lot of us have to figure things out as we go - and that's why people sometimes fail to realise they may need some extra conversations (like your partner just did!).

But to give you a more positive perspective - I'm a step-mum, and we did move in quite quickly (partly because of circumstances, but mostly because we simply did no want to wait being old and in love :P). My step-daughter was 4 and my husband has 50/50 custody (which works out that we end up spending more time with her anyway). Sure there were hiccups along the way trying to navigate the various relationships involved, and there will be more conversations and questions along the way.

But it gets so much easier when adults remember that they are dealing with kids, don't take things personally, and just approach the relationships with a lot of love and affection :)

I’ll be leaving a comfortable setting and moving in to his home which I don’t fully feel ok with as I will always see that as his home and his children’s home!

So don't do it. You owe it to your child to give him a stable upbringing. You also owe to to the both of you to keep a roof over your heads.
If the relationship doesn't work out you will still have that.

My neighbour and his wife have been married about 30 years. They don't live together. They have a fantastic relationship.

This!