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Original poster

Blended family advice

36 replies

Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 10:41

my partner and I have been together nearly a year and discussing potentially moving in. I have a 3 year old from a previous relationship and he has an 8 and 12 year old from his previous marriage which ended 3 years ago. he co-parents with his ex wife and his children have met their mums new husband and are super comfortable with him. Because their dad has been single for a while, I notice his daughter gets a bit jealous when I’m around, she will push her way between us and cuddle her dad when
we are cuddling (I’m more of a teaching children about boundaries but this is not my business at the moment) and she cried for hours when she found out him and I are going on our first holiday together. Anyhow, I’m very apprehensive about moving in with my little one although he loves her and the kids get along(in some way as we don’t spend a lot of time together). What’s your opinion on blended families? I’m anxious it will be very hard work considering I have a 3 year old who really likes my partner and when he has his children during the week, might feel left out if his daughter doesn’t want to “share” her dad! Also I’ll be leaving a comfortable setting and moving in to his home which I don’t fully feel ok with as I will always see that as his home and his children’s home! Is it very hard work and will I resent the children and will they be super annoying? I’m curious about everyone’s experience as my little one is small and cute and I am a loving person but worried they kids won’t be receptive to it.

OP posts:
Fatat40 · 22/05/2023 10:46

Why would you move in?!

It is going to being a whole load of stress.

How often does he see his kids? They're definitely going to feel pushed out if he moves his girlfriend (of less than a year!!) and her kid in. You'll have a terrible time dealing with the behaviours that come from feeling pushed out and abandoned by their dad. Why would HE want to do that to his own kids?

What is the driving force behind thinking that moving in will make the situation better?

Fatat40 · 22/05/2023 10:49

Giving up your comfortable home, independence and stability for your son seems CRAZY.
You'll end up taking on the wife load for 2 kids and a boyfriend who benefits far more from you than you do from him. Many of these men look for a replacement woman to do the domestic work asap. Don't be that person. Stay dating but let HIM build his own independent life to care for his children.
Seriously you only have to read the many step parenting threads on here to see how this ends.

LadyJ2023 · 22/05/2023 10:52

Sorry you can't expect older children to suddenly accept your basically taking there dad. You need to find a balance its not jealousy your the stranger she's known dad her whole life she probably feels totally insecure bless her

joan12 · 22/05/2023 10:52

Red flags absolutely everywhere. Don't go near this. You have yourself predicted all the difficulties; they will all become more intense when you live together and there is no peaceful escape from them. Just carry on as a couple.

Original poster
Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 10:54

@Fatat40 im replying to your second message! We are both independent and work, he is certainly not looking for a replacement house wife! We are both secure in our relationship together and want to take our relationship further by getting married, moving in etc. my post is for advice on how to achieve a blended family and advice.

OP posts:
ILoveMyBedTooMuch · 22/05/2023 10:55

Nearly a year? Too soon with children imo.

Original poster
Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 10:56

@LadyJ2023 any tips on how to make her feel comfortable ? I’m guessing this should be a talk from her dad! Her mum had moved on an remarried!

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 10:57

@joan12 i do agree with you! More peaceful! I’m sure though I’m not the only one in this situation, they don’t live with him, maybe 3 days per week.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2023 10:57

I mean, all of your concerns are valid. His DD will likely be jealous and act up, you would feel like it was "their home", and yes it sounds quite likely that they will be quite annoying.

It's an unpopular opinion on MN, but I don't think that means you should never do it. If you are still at a stage in your lives where you are seeking a long term cohabiting relationship, potentially more children, then it's something you'll have to consider long term. But I wouldn't rush into it, I'd give it more time.

To me the biggest red flag is that his DD is already notably jealous. If none of the children had that temperament, I would say it was more likely to succeed. I would consider whether you would be happy never living together, and if the answer is no, perhaps let go of the relationship, as it sounds like his DD is likely to make it very difficult to make that option work.

Original poster
Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 11:06

@aSofaNearYou i agree 100%. I think best to take it slow and allow her dad to talk with her first before we do anything!

OP posts:
TrappedPotato · 22/05/2023 11:17

Me and my DP live together in a blended family and it works very well. My advice would be to build it up really gradually and check that the children are ok with each stage - we started with short visits, built up to overnights, then a holiday etc over several years before moving in and now they all get on really well and are always asking when they'll be together again. Good luck.

PaintedEgg · 22/05/2023 12:45

Talk to this kids - both of you! Both from perspective of explaining and reassuring. Yes. Kids get jealous, they're just kids after all. My step-daughter once pulled me by the leg because I gave a hug to my friend and she felt I should not hug anyone but her. A kid crying because she didn't get to go on holiday and feels left out is not some sort of major sin - you can talk about even with a 8yo. Explain to her that sometimes she gets to go on holiday with mum and stepdad, sometimes with her dad and you.

You can also offer his daughters affection - don't force it, just offer :)

baileys6904 · 22/05/2023 13:28

Too much too soon. As someone else said, slow down. Start with play dates or afternoon activity for a while and then build up. Let thr kids feel like they have a choice and play an active part in the drcision making. There may be times they want protected time with their parent, allow that to happen. They'll soon see theres no threat to their relationship. But its only been less than a year, you don't even know him properly yet.

And yes I've been there, single mother with limited childcare. We've merged the families now and they get on brilliantly, refer to each other as brother/ sister without any prompting from us and genuinely request to go places together or arrange things together Independantly. It's very rewarding when it works and makes things so much easier, so I'd say patience really does pay off

maranella · 22/05/2023 13:31

I wouldn't move in with anyone after less than a year and that's without kids in the mix. As for blending families - that would be a no from me. I was forced to endure a blended family (well two - as both my DPs remarried), and it was shit. I have a lot of respect for people who refuse to blend and keep their own home for themselves and their DC and allow their DC to grow up without strangers being a part of their lives.

Modaboutyou · 22/05/2023 14:05

Too soon, it hasn't even been a year.

billy1966 · 22/05/2023 16:06

Far, far too soon.

Why would you give up a good set up to rush into something you know will be a huge change.

Long and slow over several years.

Do this in haste, repent at leisure!

The family logistics of 2 and 5 is huge.

Moving into their house is also a massive adjustment.

How would that ever be your home.

A year is absolutely nothing in the scale of things.

Best chance for success is a over several years.

You have too much to lose if it doesn't work out.

So disruptive for your little boy.

Lili132 · 22/05/2023 18:06

OP blended families can be extremely challenging. It takes a lot of healthy boundaries, maturity and compromise to make them work and while it can be very rewarding you have not been long enough to see if it's going to work in your case. Take it slowly especially that it seems like his children didn't even yet get used to the idea of you being together and there are already things you don't agree on.
You need to discuss boundaries, parenting styles, all the rules and potential scenarios and spend more time together before moving together.

The consequences of this not working out really outweigh the benefits of making such a huge life changing commitment too soon.

Ponderingwindow · 22/05/2023 18:12

Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 11:06

@aSofaNearYou i agree 100%. I think best to take it slow and allow her dad to talk with her first before we do anything!

That doesn’t mean having a chat and moving in a few weeks later.

taking it slow means waiting to move in until the children view you as part of the family. It means waiting until they reach the point that it seems as odd to them as it does to you that you still live elsewhere. There is no way that can happen with a year of dating.

Original poster
Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 18:18

@Ponderingwindow yes, definitely not thinking of moving in anytime soon! I’ve actually been extremely hesitant and feel my OH wants us together without fully accepting the repurchasing! He won’t be the one to lose outa lot! I suggested he start the conversation with the children to get them used to the idea of me and him getting married and having children in the future and he’s only just realised that this is the right way to go around it! I’m patient and not eager to go at it in such haste, sometimes I worry what the intentions are with wanting me to move in so quickly! Could it be to me so up with his ex who had already moved on and remarried or does he genuinely want myself and my daughter to be a huge part of his and his childrens lives.. that’s another post though :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 18:19

@Ponderingwindow *repercussions

OP posts:
Wellnowlookhere · 22/05/2023 18:28

Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 18:18

@Ponderingwindow yes, definitely not thinking of moving in anytime soon! I’ve actually been extremely hesitant and feel my OH wants us together without fully accepting the repurchasing! He won’t be the one to lose outa lot! I suggested he start the conversation with the children to get them used to the idea of me and him getting married and having children in the future and he’s only just realised that this is the right way to go around it! I’m patient and not eager to go at it in such haste, sometimes I worry what the intentions are with wanting me to move in so quickly! Could it be to me so up with his ex who had already moved on and remarried or does he genuinely want myself and my daughter to be a huge part of his and his childrens lives.. that’s another post though :-)

If you are having any of those doubts or thoughts whatsoever, I’d suggest you cool your jets and stay put for another couple of years. At least. Enjoy each others company but then enjoy being in your own home, with your own space and your own rules even more.
Worked a treat for me!

longstayer · 22/05/2023 18:34

You've been together less than a year. There are 5 people to consider here and rushing to living together is likely to result in distress.

The kids need to feel like they are family before you move in, and that takes time!

Rose40Berry · 22/05/2023 18:44

Relax. MN hates blended families and step mums so this is really not the place to ask for help and support. A relationship which you start later in life is very different to an earlier one. And you know yourself how solid your relationship with your partner is, and can judge the pace with the kids. Randoms on the internet with their own stuff around second marriages etc are not going to give you informed of unbiased advice - we are all driven partly by our own prejudices and experiences, and this is a big step for you. I’d get a (good!) therapist for a little while if you can afford it so you can talk it through with someone objective, skilled and able to help you understand what emotions this is bringing up for you, and how to manage.

perfectcolourfound · 22/05/2023 19:12

Yes I have experienced this We both had DCs when we got together. We took things REALLY slowly. Agreed at the outset that we would go as slow as the DCs needed it to be, ensuring they were happy at every stage. Put them first. Made sure they knew they were still the most important. It worked out really well.... many years on we're very much one family.

Original poster
Confuzzled78 · 22/05/2023 19:44

@Rose40Berry i kind of got the impression, not just on this thread that step mums and blending families are not favoured! I have taken the advice re timing along with the experience of others who are in this position. Lots of great advise otherwise.
thank you

OP posts: