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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I hate my DP

37 replies

Janos · 10/12/2004 10:54

Feeling very down at the minute. I have a 5 week old ds who I absolutely love to bits and I know DP does as well.

Dp has just gone back to work and I just find myslef feeling so angry with him all the time. I am completelye xhausted from looking after DS all day whenever DP gets homw there is a big deal about how he is so tired/so hungry, what a stressful day he has had at work, what is for dinner? Other day he was moaning about the state of the house.

If I say how how tired I am it's immediately 'me too'. What is awful before he was doing stuff to help with DS but now barely does anything.

Would probably not be sobad if I wasn'r having so many problems feeding DS. He was nearly a month premture and has problems BF (which I really wanted to do) so he is getting a combination of breast/bottle which I am really worried about, currently I Ihave tried evrything and he is still crying, have just had to take a break for 5 mins to write this.

I know I must sound awful and DP is good in a lot of ways but this is really getting me down. I feel like taking DS and not coming back. What can I do ?

OP posts:

PickasillyChristmasName · 10/12/2004 10:57

Janos, big hugs

nailpolish · 10/12/2004 11:05

janos

i have had similar probs. my dd is 8 wks.

maybe you should talk to someone who knows about pnd. i have no experience of this but i do know it can escalate quickly and i wouldnt want that to happen to you.

my dh is a pain in the arse sometimes and can be selfish too, he says he misses his old life of being able to do what he/we wanted and he resents it (he also has down times cos his mum just died and he also has medical probs). why not have a night out/lunch out just the 2 of you and have a chat and a laugh, you will be your old selves without baby?

is there someone who can babysit?

if you dont go too far away they can always phone and you wont be so anxious

lots of hugs

Original poster

Janos · 10/12/2004 11:06

Thank you pick. I feel bad complaining when I see some of the awful problems ppl have.

OP posts:

vict17 · 10/12/2004 11:08

Do you have good friends/family near by who could come round and help out a bit? My ds is 8 months now but me and dh still row over who is the most tired, who should get up with him etc etc. It gets worse once/if you return to work (sorry that's not very helpful is it?!). But really at the stage your at the house work and everything else can wait. Just concern on you and your little one

Original poster

Janos · 10/12/2004 11:11

nailpolish, thank u, we are going out tomorrow, a lovely friend has offered to babysit so i feel even worse for moaning !!! It will be nice to have a rest, i feel awful saying that. i am worried about the pnd becos my mum had it v badly with me.

i think things are harder for the both of us because we don't have family nearby. Some good friends tho which helps!!!! sorry about the bad typing i am holding ds in one arm

OP posts:

partywigandredrobe · 10/12/2004 11:11

Do you have friends/family nearby who could chip in and help? If not, why not chat to your HV who could put you in touch with a support/friendship group.

nailpolish · 10/12/2004 11:14

i dont have any family either, i get jealous of those who do. have a nice time when you do go out.

i know you live near me, maybe we should set up another meet-up and have a good old moan

have you joined any mother and toddler groups?

will you be going back to work? i actually found it easier when i did go back to work (pt) cos i got a break from the house and got some adult company

NotQuiteCockney · 10/12/2004 11:18

Janos, I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Things do get better. Babies are a bit rubbish (sorry, I'm not a fan of tiny babies) in the first weeks, and that's very hard on everyone taking care of them. For one thing, your baby will start smiling in a little while, which improves matters immensely.

If the BF situation is getting you down, the Breast and Bottle Feeding area on Mumsnet can be a good place to read up, and ask questions.

Getting more local support (coffee mornings? breastfeeding groups and drop/ins?) can really help, too.

SuzyStockings · 10/12/2004 11:19

Have you thought about HomeStart? they could help with the practical side of things. You're shopping, some company etc...

Original poster

Janos · 10/12/2004 11:26

Nailpolish, a meet up would be great - where are you? In answer to your question I am going back to work but not until April next year.

Thanks to all you lovely ppl who have posted supportive messages. It's good to know I'm not the only mum who feels like this and I'm not going mad. DS has just gone down after a difficult feed for a little nap so I am feeling better.

HV has been very good and hs pointed me in the direction of a mum and baby group but because DS is feeding so erractically I'm finding it hard to get to. It's at 10.30 in the morning and currently its a miracle if I'm out of my PJs by luchtime. But I am going to try and get to the one on Monday.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 10/12/2004 11:34

do go to the mum and baby group on monday - its hard meeting new people but i made myself go to mine and i really like it now.

im in fife btw

with dd1 i found i was just coming to the end of my tether when she would change again, as someone said, start smiling or sleep differently (or better) or laugh and that would cheer you up again for a wee while. and dp hoepfully

Original poster

Janos · 10/12/2004 11:40

Well DS slept for 5 hours after his 1 o clock feed last night which helped, although i woke up about 4 and panicked 'why hasn't he woken up? Is something wrong'and didn't go back to sleep so it didn't help me much LOL but was nice for DP !

Nailpolish when would you like to meet up? I know it's a busy time of year, would sometime after Christmas be Ok or even before then if you are up to it.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 10/12/2004 11:42

ive done exactly the same when dd2 sleeps for more than 4 hrs!!! its a bugger isnt it?

after xmas would be great, dd1 is at childminder mon tues and fri so could come wed thurs with her and dd2, if you are bringing babies.

are you in edin or just near?

Original poster

Janos · 10/12/2004 11:57

nailpolish, wed or thursday would be good for me. I'm actually in Edinburgh, near the bypass tho.

Blimey I haven't even got organised for Christmas! Not that I've ever been organised for Christmas but this year has been even worse.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 10/12/2004 12:14

i mean any wed or thurs after xmas

what ages are your babies? or is it just darling 5 week old and you?

have you been to the jelly club? its fantastic

littleweed · 10/12/2004 12:20

REmeber it well. I think DHs in general find the enormous change in lives quite hard to adjust too and like to rub in the fact that they are doing a 'proper' job whilst 'all' you are doing is feeding a baby. it will and does get easier - don't forget you rhormnes are still proabaly all over teh place (like my spelling ) adn don't be to hard on yourself. bugger teh houeswork.

winterwarmmummer · 10/12/2004 12:22

It's crappy when they do that isn't it. dh and I called a truce and said we would have no more "tired competitions" as we were clearly both exhausted.

I feel for you with feeding problems, somehow there is nothing worse. I don't have any helpful hints, but just say that it really will get better.

Big Hugs and good luck

FrostyTheSurfMum · 10/12/2004 12:30

Hi Janos

Just wanted to say that you aren't alone in the way you feel re dh. I love mine to bits but the biggest bone of contention between us is the "I've been out at work all day" - "so you think being at home all day with an 18m old isn't working?" argument. My friends' dh's are the same - it's a man thing, so don't go thinking its just you.

I got loads of support from going to the group run by our nursery nurse. We all used to take feeds along with us and do it there. I can remember finding the first few weeks totally overwhelming, but it does get easier.

PickasillyChristmasName · 10/12/2004 13:04

Janos, I'm back again - not with anything really useful to say but you are normal and things do get better!

5 weeks old is generally a horrible time as all the initial excitement of having a new baby is gone, DP has gone back to work and you are worn out. The tiredness felt worse for me then; I just felt completely worn out.

And I remembering feeling so angry that DH could go off to work, and not have a small object attached to him all day long.

I think that when DPs walk in and say they are tired it is so not helpful. I suppose they are tired, but the mum is more tired. Having a small person all day is more tiring than work. On the other hand, DH will remind me that men sometimes don't think about every thing that they say and that they can manage to get it wrong.

And they do get tired, although definitely not as much.

Going along to baby groups is good by the way - DS was always much better at that age when he was out of the house and I got to talk to other people. If he needs feeding it will be OK .

We don't have family living that nearby (although DH's brother and wife are nearer now) and it would be nice for them to be nearer.

Things get better, with DS by the time he was 8 weeks I felt more confident in him and me (if that makes sense).

Hope you have a good night out tomorrow as well

Uwila · 10/12/2004 13:29

Oh yes, my dh is in the dog house too. It's nothing to do with working vs. not working. It's a man thing. I wish I had a pound for everytime I have said "I am not your superwoman!"

DD is 20 months and I am coming up to four months pregnant with no. 2. This morning H just laid in bed reading his magazines (he's working from home so he can be pretty lazy and just mozy on over to the computer when he feels like it). Meanwhile, I got up at 5:30 for a shower, went to get DD from her cot. When I got there, the room stunk of puke and it was all in her cot and on her. She had obviously been sick in the night. I had to change and wash the sheets. I got her bottle for her and gave it to her. She was fine in the morning btw. Not sure what happened in the night. Then, after cleaning up the mess I was of course late for work. H was STILL in bed reading his magazines when I left. I'm not a happy camper today.

I work twice as hard as he does and it make me soooooooo mad. Jerk!

But, then this morning when she was still have asleep Sh tried to cuddler, and she said no, mummy and reached out for me. AndI just he he, that's what you get. I love when she does that.

Oh, and the flip side of this ugly coin is that I claim all of the child care decisions. I pick the schools, I pick the nanny, I pick her religeon (DH is Catholic and I am Anglican... Children are and will be Anglican). I figure it's my priviledge for doing most of the work. Whenever he gets uptight about something (i.e. we have some battles about when and how to feed her), I say "when you want to come home every night and do half the work, you make half the decision."

Frizbethereindeer · 10/12/2004 13:47

If you don't have any family and friends near by to help, you could try your local Surestart branch, who will send someone round to help you out for a few hours or a day? you don't even have to leave the house, you could just take an hour to grab a bath and have some YOU time, because YOU count too, and if you feel knackered and down the rest of your world will too, remember the 1st 6 weeks with a newby are the worst, after that things start to settle a bit and life will gain a pattern of sorts....sorry dp is being a pain, sometimes it takes them a while to adjust to lack of sleep! ( I ended up kicking my dh out of our room into the spare/sofa if he'd dozed off there for at least two months, so his work didn't suffer too much, he came crawling back to me and our bed after he'd managed to adjust to the lack of sleep/dd was starting to sleep a bit better, oh how I remember that 1st 6 hour sleep she did!)
I'm in Ripley in Derbyshire just in case your local? I could always find an hour to pop round and help if your near?

Uwila · 10/12/2004 14:13

Oh yes, the no family aspect. I know it well. My husband's family lives in Birmingham (and none of them drive / have cars), and my family lives in the United States. So I'm stuffed there too.

Could hire in a bit of part time help? Even if it was a local teenager who could be around whilst you are home, but you could get a bit of rest / take a bath / read a book / whatever. You could probably find someone to come over after school for an hour or two and it would only cost about £4 or £5 per hour. I'm not really sure of the going rate of a high school student, but I would think that would cover it.

Original poster

Janos · 10/12/2004 15:30

Nailpolish, I know you meant after Christmas, it's just my brain is addled with sleep deprivation

I've not heard of the Jelly club - what is it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Janos · 10/12/2004 15:31

And I just have ds and me at the moment - he is my first.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 10/12/2004 15:37

is great but really for a year and over

its a big hall with huge bouncy castles, slides etc thats really safe and the best fun for kids.

it has a wee cafe that you can sit in and watch your kids run about, while supping tea. its really safe for them to chuck themselves around on. dd1 is a dangermouse and she loves it

any age can go, you can take ds and he would watch all the others. its in craigmiller, at the cameron toll end

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