Handhold? I’m the disappointment

Bone11 · 21/05/2023 22:57

I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment x

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 21/05/2023 22:58

Sorry, typing
while humming My son to sleep= typos.
Not my
twins! Their twins.
and not a 401k bathroom, a 24
bathroom 😂not that it really matters, I’m just…..feeling like I keep sliding down the snakes in snakes and ladders 😢while
everyone else lands on the ladders.

OP posts:

EmptyBedBlues · 21/05/2023 23:03

Oh, sweetheart. You sound quietly heroic and entirely brave and admirable, and you’re dealing with objectively very difficult stuff on a load of fronts with very little support. I think you get to feel stung by how much easier someone else’s life (currently) looks. You’re human.

TAmum3 · 21/05/2023 23:03

Sounds tough! I think you have a lot on your plate, keep that as your focus.
my Nan can be very much like your mum, however, we all know it so behind her back, we’ll have a laugh and say oh it’s you this week getting it! It helps keep us bonded, when it actually could cause massive divides!
keep doing what you’re doing, one day at a time, and you’ll find your happiness.
good luck!

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 21/05/2023 23:08

Thank you💞
I don’t think I’m brave at all, I simply
Have to keep going as I’m all they have.
i just don’t want to feel jealous or envious as i don’t think they are nice qualities 😢but i just can’t catch a break. I’ve been knocked back for 10 jobs in 10 months Trying
To earn a better salary to help me leave, and i just feel every corner I turn I hit a
new wall. And then have to smile nicely and say “oh a Portland hospital birth? How lovely” while allowing myself to think for a moment what it would be like to not have to worry when your next bill arrives. but I am truly happy for her and don’t want envy to creep in and steal that 😢

OP posts:

Missjkay · 21/05/2023 23:24

It sounds tough have you spoken to the gingerbread single parent helpline they may be able to advise on entitlements. I have a child with asd and realised I was better off working less hours. You have a plan and that’s a good place to start.

YukoandHiro · 21/05/2023 23:33

I'm sorry things are so rough at the moment. Caring responsibilities really do hit women's earning potential, and it may be that your Dsis hasn't faced that realisation yet. It's hard whenever it comes.
Can you tell us a bit more about the work you already do? Focusing on raising your income and earning potential will definitely be the key to making a change for the next 20 years of your life - not just in terms of financial stability but in self confidence too and feeling that you're able to leave your relationship which is clearly dragging you down

RachaelBUk1 · 21/05/2023 23:40

OK so....my ex was an addict, lied and said he was in recovery when he was still actively using and I was naive and didn't have the first idea about heroin ( could now write a book), we had 3 DC, youngest DS now 13 has Autism attends a special needs school.
When I was low and his addiction was consuming, my sisters had very lovely lives free of the kind of dark s€£t that comes with addiction. Comments from Mum and Gran hurt , mainly around finances standards of living etc.
I was working FT and I had a mini kind of breakdown and just imploded.
Kicked ex out, quit job, claimed everything including DLA, carers allowance, housing benefit etc.
DWP were excellent actually and leaving work to care for someone is accepted as a necessity and I was given income support.
I KNOW how you feel and I feel hurt for you and I doubt its jealousy about your sis, its just a profound sense of defeat and no self esteem, sadness and immense upset but please don't getbas low as I did before you take action,
As Pp said, Gingerbread are brilliant , citizens advice, and your circumstances may be enough for help from the council with housing
Sending so much love and hope your way 💗

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/05/2023 00:01

wobblymum1 · 21/05/2023 22:54

I honestly feel at rock bottom tonight and just need a handhold.
I’ve made Some
bad decisions over the years and find myself
md-40’s with 2 kids, one of whom is autistic and very challenging in his behaviour. My mum has early onset dementia and can go months being ok then take a down turn and need quite a bit of hands on support for a few weeks. For both these reasons I’ve stayed in a relatively low and paid job (well under 30k) because it allows me to work from home and care for both my
son and my mum when needed.
i married an an addict who claimed he was in recovery, he wasn’t, it’s been a very unhealthy relationship that has left kids and me pretty messed up and I’m Trying to line up my ducks
to leave but it’s very hard due to my lack of income, and how very badly
my
child with autism will handle the change.

meanwhile, my
sister has an amazing job, never settled when she could have and finally found a great guy and they are pregnant wit my twins which is wonderful, he’s a very high earner and has 3
properties around the world and they live a lovely lifestyle which I’m happy for them with. Their babies will want for nothing and she’s happy.

what hurts my heart
is my mum making comments I don’t think she sees as insensitive- “it will be nice to have grandchildren who are well behaved/ nicely mannered/ private schooled” as she’s very very
Old school and sees my son’s challenging behaviour as “bad”.

just as my sister and her husband are moving into a £2 million property to prepare for the twins, I’m counting every single penny to try to leave my husband for a small flat where rent is less and council tax too.

i feel so sad, and like I failed. i can’t work out if it’s envy, jealously, unfairness that I’m feeling. I know the dementia has affected my mum’s sensitivity and she’s always been very materialistic and “well brought” up children are important to her but her comments still hit me deep.

i have few real life friends, caring for my son over the years became pretty full time and the school gate mums blwonjot and cold with me and I’m not quite in their clique so don’t have any true friends there.

i just feel….a bit like my life is kind of over mid 40’s, I’ll be caring for my son for a long while past “normal” and on very little income, and I’ve accepted it. But somehow having &1”24k bathrooms flung in my face
when I’m trying to work out how to cover car payments stings.

am I being petty and jealous and just need to get over it and accept my decisions have led me here?

i need some tough talk. Or a handhold. Or both.

Just feel heck of a lonely.

thank you for reading this xx

Does your sister offer Amy support with the care of your mum?

Lefteyetwitch · 22/05/2023 00:16

Tell your mum Princess perfect will have to be the one to help her next as you're to busy with your heathens.

Seriously why put yourself through this?

Needmoresleepmorecoffee · 22/05/2023 00:33

I'm really sorry you are going through such a hard time. The only thing I can give you is an anecdote from my life.

My siblings and I went to state school while my dad's sister married a rich bloke and had three kids and sent them all to private school. Between the three of them they easily had 150k spent on their education. One of them is doing alright for themselves but the other two live at home still in their 30s and have never worked. My mum felt exactly like you do right now but in the end the sort of 'perfect life" she saw for her sister in law really never worked out for them.

I try not to be judgemental where I can but it is really hard trying to hold a conversation with my cousin's who have been given everything financially and done nothing. Their mother cannot hide her disappointment in them and it's hard to be around.

My father was an alcoholic and eventually we moved out of the family home. I would say in many ways our family are in a better position (not financially but in all other aspects) than my cousin's despite 30 years prior being in the same situation you are in now.

Hope you do ok

chrystlha · 22/05/2023 00:42

Where your mum make comments you could try something really practical short-term just to get through the experience until you find another way to deal with it. Park how it makes you feel for the meantime and play comment bingo. Depending on your circumstances, you could say, have a treat once she has made four comments in a row. Or, you could do something like paint part of a very small wall each time you hear it. The more unfeasible it is (you thought you don't have time) somehow the more rewarding it is. The power of admiring a wall that was generated by something so negative is something to be experienced. Or you could exercise (just stretch for 10 mins). When you're suddenly limber after 3 weeks, you can silently thank the difficult situation that you are coping with for being reliably present in your life.

MooncupShadow · 22/05/2023 00:54

I helped my adult DSD leave an appalling partner for a new life. DH did the practical stuff, and I did the paperwork.

Her son now has an EHCP and higher rate DLA, she is awarded carer's allowance and UC (all the entitlements) plus she receives rent allowance to the LHA ceiling. Her National Insurance credits (Class 1) are paid. Her DC are registered at school for pupil premium and all that brings into their school lives. She receives the child benefit directly, and it isn't spaffed away on some bloke's bloody steroid injections at the gym any more.

And, crucially, she is strongly encouraged to give to her mother only what she can emotionally and financially afford to give. Like you, she has other siblings who can pick up some of the slack. (Her mother unfortunately has some issues.)

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 22/05/2023 01:14

Short answer is no as live so far away. We are very rural and a long trip for her to come
so the short answer is no. And will be even less when the twins arrive.

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 22/05/2023 01:17

Missjkay · 21/05/2023 23:24

It sounds tough have you spoken to the gingerbread single parent helpline they may be able to advise on entitlements. I have a child with asd and realised I was better off working less hours. You have a plan and that’s a good place to start.

I just got the letter through yesterday To say they have awarded highest level of care and lowest mobility so that will bring in an extra £500 a month which is HUGE for me. I actually danced round the kitchen as it was the first good news I’ve had in so so many months. I’ve not spoken to the gingerbread trust but will. Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 22/05/2023 01:20

Ironically (?!) I work to help carers apply for benefits, prior to this I was a mental health support worker in community but average wage is around £21000. I am now on £27000 and can work from home and if my son or mum need me I can work some hours in the evenings or get up at 5 and work before they wake. I’m not very qualified and for my age not far up the ladder (my colleagues are all 20’s starting out really) so I think it’s holding me back getting a higher paid role.

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 22/05/2023 01:22

RachaelBUk1 · 21/05/2023 23:40

OK so....my ex was an addict, lied and said he was in recovery when he was still actively using and I was naive and didn't have the first idea about heroin ( could now write a book), we had 3 DC, youngest DS now 13 has Autism attends a special needs school.
When I was low and his addiction was consuming, my sisters had very lovely lives free of the kind of dark s€£t that comes with addiction. Comments from Mum and Gran hurt , mainly around finances standards of living etc.
I was working FT and I had a mini kind of breakdown and just imploded.
Kicked ex out, quit job, claimed everything including DLA, carers allowance, housing benefit etc.
DWP were excellent actually and leaving work to care for someone is accepted as a necessity and I was given income support.
I KNOW how you feel and I feel hurt for you and I doubt its jealousy about your sis, its just a profound sense of defeat and no self esteem, sadness and immense upset but please don't getbas low as I did before you take action,
As Pp said, Gingerbread are brilliant , citizens advice, and your circumstances may be enough for help from the council with housing
Sending so much love and hope your way 💗

This sent
shivers down my spine with your description of how i feels. That is exactly it. I feel so defeated and low and trapped. You have been so brave to leave, I hope I can too x

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 22/05/2023 01:24

Needmoresleepmorecoffee · 22/05/2023 00:33

I'm really sorry you are going through such a hard time. The only thing I can give you is an anecdote from my life.

My siblings and I went to state school while my dad's sister married a rich bloke and had three kids and sent them all to private school. Between the three of them they easily had 150k spent on their education. One of them is doing alright for themselves but the other two live at home still in their 30s and have never worked. My mum felt exactly like you do right now but in the end the sort of 'perfect life" she saw for her sister in law really never worked out for them.

I try not to be judgemental where I can but it is really hard trying to hold a conversation with my cousin's who have been given everything financially and done nothing. Their mother cannot hide her disappointment in them and it's hard to be around.

My father was an alcoholic and eventually we moved out of the family home. I would say in many ways our family are in a better position (not financially but in all other aspects) than my cousin's despite 30 years prior being in the same situation you are in now.

Hope you do ok

Thank you so much for sharing this. It has really helped. Gives me some hope for me and my kids for the future x

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 22/05/2023 01:25

MooncupShadow · 22/05/2023 00:54

I helped my adult DSD leave an appalling partner for a new life. DH did the practical stuff, and I did the paperwork.

Her son now has an EHCP and higher rate DLA, she is awarded carer's allowance and UC (all the entitlements) plus she receives rent allowance to the LHA ceiling. Her National Insurance credits (Class 1) are paid. Her DC are registered at school for pupil premium and all that brings into their school lives. She receives the child benefit directly, and it isn't spaffed away on some bloke's bloody steroid injections at the gym any more.

And, crucially, she is strongly encouraged to give to her mother only what she can emotionally and financially afford to give. Like you, she has other siblings who can pick up some of the slack. (Her mother unfortunately has some issues.)

Wish I had had you as my stepmother! That’s incredible you did all that. Your dsd is lucky to have you fighting her corner x

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblymum1 · 22/05/2023 01:26

chrystlha · 22/05/2023 00:42

Where your mum make comments you could try something really practical short-term just to get through the experience until you find another way to deal with it. Park how it makes you feel for the meantime and play comment bingo. Depending on your circumstances, you could say, have a treat once she has made four comments in a row. Or, you could do something like paint part of a very small wall each time you hear it. The more unfeasible it is (you thought you don't have time) somehow the more rewarding it is. The power of admiring a wall that was generated by something so negative is something to be experienced. Or you could exercise (just stretch for 10 mins). When you're suddenly limber after 3 weeks, you can silently thank the difficult situation that you are coping with for being reliably present in your life.

I really like this and am going to try it 😊

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 22/05/2023 01:29

Fact is, some of us stuff our lives up because of bad decisions when younger. Then you see it when older and wiser.
It's usually over a man that the biggest cock-ups are made. It's easier to get out of the wrong job than the wrong relationship. Kinda makes me think that it's probably better to play the field until approaching 30 in general before getting serious.
Having said that, it's never too late to change paths and not continue the mistake. It's not easy, but will be better in the long run.

aloris · 22/05/2023 05:40

If your sister is so wealthy maybe she can start paying for a carer for your mother so you can take a break from being your mother's carer. Or, if you are in the UK, perhaps it is time for your mum to go into a care home? Why is your life less important than your mother's?

Hellenabe · 22/05/2023 05:57

Op, i hope you get the help and assistance you need. As you say, your sister never settled and she made some good decisions. I think that's a great thing! My best friend is like this and has a wonderful partner, both financially secure and happy. I'm OK but a single parent myself after also being with an addict. I'm really happy for them and will bring my own children up like them, to have good boundaries too. I think if you keep being envious, it gets you absolutely nowhere in life.

Unicorntastic · 22/05/2023 06:18

Is asking your sister for help to get a new flat (deposit etc) a possibility? At least that would speed up your plans to improve your lot? Also is she helping in anyway to look after your Mum?

Tiredskin · 22/05/2023 06:21

Good luck op. You're probably only halfway through life, you might still have a lovely life xx