Handhold? I’m the disappointment

[wobblymum1]

I honestly feel at rock bottom tonight and just need a handhold.
I’ve made Some
bad decisions over the years and find myself
md-40’s with 2 kids, one of whom is autistic and very challenging in his behaviour. My mum has early onset dementia and can go months being ok then take a down turn and need quite a bit of hands on support for a few weeks. For both these reasons I’ve stayed in a relatively low and paid job (well under 30k) because it allows me to work from home and care for both my
son and my mum when needed.
i married an an addict who claimed he was in recovery, he wasn’t, it’s been a very unhealthy relationship that has left kids and me pretty messed up and I’m Trying to line up my ducks
to leave but it’s very hard due to my lack of income, and how very badly
my
child with autism will handle the change.

meanwhile, my
sister has an amazing job, never settled when she could have and finally found a great guy and they are pregnant wit my twins which is wonderful, he’s a very high earner and has 3
properties around the world and they live a lovely lifestyle which I’m happy for them with. Their babies will want for nothing and she’s happy.

what hurts my heart
is my mum making comments I don’t think she sees as insensitive- “it will be nice to have grandchildren who are well behaved/ nicely mannered/ private schooled” as she’s very very
Old school and sees my son’s challenging behaviour as “bad”.

just as my sister and her husband are moving into a £2 million property to prepare for the twins, I’m counting every single penny to try to leave my husband for a small flat where rent is less and council tax too.

i feel so sad, and like I failed. i can’t work out if it’s envy, jealously, unfairness that I’m feeling. I know the dementia has affected my mum’s sensitivity and she’s always been very materialistic and “well brought” up children are important to her but her comments still hit me deep.

i have few real life friends, caring for my son over the years became pretty full time and the school gate mums blwonjot and cold with me and I’m not quite in their clique so don’t have any true friends there.

i just feel….a bit like my life is kind of over mid 40’s, I’ll be caring for my son for a long while past “normal” and on very little income, and I’ve accepted it. But somehow having &1”24k bathrooms flung in my face
when I’m trying to work out how to cover car payments stings.

am I being petty and jealous and just need to get over it and accept my decisions have led me here?

i need some tough talk. Or a handhold. Or both.

Just feel heck of a lonely.

thank you for reading this xx

You've had loads of good advice. I just really felt for you reading this post. I've had some really rough times and also have an autistic son that had challenging behaviour. What I always say to myself is 'things will not always be this way'. Life is much better now. When I look back to that time I think- how did I get through all that? But I did! And you will too.You are always stronger than you think. I would say take some time to put you first. This will give you the strength to cope. You can do this!

How could having an austistic child or a mother with dementia ever be your fault? These are just the cards you have been dealt.

jealously isn’t a helpful emotion, it won’t make your life easier but I think I’d find it hard not to be jealous in your shoes and I don’t think you should beat yourself up for it.

it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job though with difficult circumstances xxx

I’ve made Some bad decisions over the years and find myself
md-40’s with 2 kids, one of whom is autistic and very challenging in his behaviour. My mum has early onset dementia

You need to stop bracketing the challenges you face with your son and mum under 'bad decisions' - they're nothing to do with decisions you've made, they are what life has thrown at you. You've managed your career to help you cope with these things, which seems to me a very reasonable decision.

The only thing you have done that might be classed as a bad decision is to marry someone, who, with hindsight, wasn't the person you thought he was - you are far from alone in making this 'mistake' and if you were misled as to his recovery, that isn't something you should be blaming yourself for either.

Another vote for Princess Posh to pay for a carer.

Does your sister help with your mum?

I would deflect at least half of that responsibility onto sister.

For starters

And? That's not your problem.
Time for you mum to either show some gratitude and understanding or she can start begging your sister or pay for her own care.

You are fighting enough battles. Don't volunteer to drain your reserves when it's not appreciated