Feel like my head is exploding!

[LHJ21]

Me and my husband aren’t in a happy marriage, mainly due to how he acts when he drinks. He is working a lot, and does late shifts so we don’t see each other that much. On his days off it results in arguing. We don’t do anything as a family, such as going out for the day, dinner etc. as it usually ends up in him ruining it because of his drinking.
I had kind of cut off our relationship, I’d do things with the kids and just plod along with him.

I have recently found out that he has started smoking weed. I found a spliff which he said someone gave him on a night out, he made out I was crazy as I said I’d found tobacco on the side too another time.
I then found a whole stash hidden behind the kitchen skirting board. He said he’d been doing it for two months. I don’t believe anything he has been saying. He goes out sometimes and doesn’t come back. His colleague sent him a message on instagram from a page about cocaine, he’s saying it’s not what I think it is and is refusing to show me. He doesn’t seem to care that I’m upset or what he has been doing. He doesn’t treat me like a wife, it’s like this is just somewhere to eat and sleep and me and the kids are an inconvenience.
He said he hasn’t cheated on me, but has had the chance to? WTF? All I get are accusations from him that I’ve cheated when I don’t even have friends.

I try talking to him and get nothing, apart from that I’m jealous that he has friends. I’m happy for him to go out and have friends - but not drugs! He’s always secretive on his phone, after what I have found I asked to see it but he has refused.

I have nowhere to go, I have looked into options but I just don’t have the finances. All I want is a happy home, I just don’t know what to do :(

Start by phoning your local women's aid. He's gaslighting you in a big way. Talk through with them. They can advise on what you can do it to leave.

It sounds miserable and you are not going to have a happy home with this guy in it. Get some advice like pp has suggested. There will be other options for you.

It was bad enough with his drinking ruining literally any occasion, days out, holidays, wedding day, Christmas, any day that he is off.
Drugs have been an issue in the past when he would go out with certain people, but I thought that had stopped.

But now I really cannot trust a single word out of his mouth. He always makes me out to be crazy, but I have caught him out with so many things over the years. I just cannot take anymore. I have three kids with nowhere to move them to and he won’t leave.

Is there a reason not to start divorce proceedings? Eventually this will lead to you separating the household. (I appreciate this is not simple, but at least it's something you can do to get the ball rolling).

@tribpot I don’t know if it would make any difference to do that at the moment? We don’t own a house, he has some savings but not much, he did have plenty a few years ago but he wasted it all. I work part time so not enough savings to do anything with. We are in a joint tenancy housing association property.

I guess it would be better than feeling completely trapped and unable to do anything? Next step may be talking to the housing association about whether you could take over the tenancy. Have you looked at Entitled To to see what support you might be able to get?

@tribpot It might help for him to see that I am serious and not the usual falling out from an argument. I haven’t looked on there, I will do. Will also look into the tenancy agreement.
He is refusing to go and I don’t want it to get nasty and he can be a nasty piece of work when he wants to be. I don’t want to kick him out with nowhere to go and I don’t want any trouble.
I don’t think it’s going to be amicable though.

You need to leave asap before things get worse. He is an addict, he will soon run out of savings and get you both in debt which will make leaving harder. His behaviour towards you will get worse

Is he buying drugs? Or supplying them ? Class A drugs in your property might affect the tenancy thought cannabis probably not.
As a pp suggested speak to your housing association, check what benefits you’re entitled to a get rid asap.

@Justmeandthedog1 buying. He said he didn’t think it was harming anyone smoking a spliff in the evening when everyone had gone to bed. He said he’s been doing it for about two months, I didn’t know anything about it until he accidentally left a spliff in the kitchen
cupboard, he had left it there to go back to but fell asleep. He made up some story about someone from work gave it to him on a night out. But then I kept smelling something in the kitchen drawer, pulled the kitchen apart then found it in the skirting board under the cupboard. He has admitted to buying it from someone who supplies his friend at work.

I know he has done cocaine before as also found things in the home. He said he isn’t doing this again, but why would a colleague send him an instagram post about it and then refuse to show what it was? He said looking at his phone is invading his privacy. But yet he’s ok to check mine when he has made accusations.

@TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI he is definitely an alcoholic as he binges on his days off. I can’t remember the last time he had a day off from drinking. He can’t just be him. We tried getting help for his drinking a few years ago, it last two weeks of not drinking.
We have been together 20 years and I have put up with so much, but he doesn’t even bother trying to apologise when he has done anything wrong, just shrugs it off and then wonders why I’ve had enough.

He said he’s only been smoking weed for two months, but every night. This will become a habit that he will then not be able to do without it. He got rid of the weed in front of me, but there’s nothing to say he won’t still get more behind my back.

He has issues with addiction. First to alcohol, now drugs. He might well carry on with harder drugs too.

He isn’t going to change and it’s not going to get better. I don’t think anything will make him realise how bad it is and what he is going to lose. 😢😢

You need to take steps to out yourself and your dcs first.
Sort the council tenancy. Look at benefits. Check things with a lawyer re divorce. Don’t wait until he is also heavily in debt from paying for alcohol and drugs

Make sure you keep the tenancy, whatever you do. I would tell them that he is taking drugs. There's no way he would have priority over you and the children. He sounds really awful. Have you looked at the online calculator to see how much you would be entitled to?

How old are the children?x

@determinedtomakethiswork I have had a quick look but need to sit down and go through it properly with my finances. Will have a look when the kids are in bed.
@whatthejeffdave 16, 11 and 9. My kids have seen his behaviour when drinking. He ruined a holiday earlier in the year where the police had to be called. My 16 year old doesn’t want to do anything with him anymore. They all dread when it’s his day off because he either non stop complains and argues or starts acting over the top stupid.

Is a womens refuge something you would consider? Housing associations are very supportive in cases of DV/DA. You could go to a refuge and the housing association would look at a managed move for you while you're there.

The refuge would also support you in sorting finances, counselling, dealing with your housing association etc

@whatthejeffdave I don’t know but it is something I will look into. If it was just me I’d be gone, but I don’t know if my oldest would want that.

I have looked into the entitled to and just can’t work out a way of doing this financially on my own, and I don’t know where I’m going to find somewhere. He has nowhere to go so know he’ll get nasty if I try getting him removed from the property.
He just has no remorse, he is the one in the wrong but he’s saying I’m the one with the issues. He is now saying that I’m causing these issues as I’m having an affair. He says I’m jealous of him having friends - my husband is 43 and the one he has become close friends with is in his mid 20s. Everyone he has become friends with at his work are either younger or single so are always out without the boring family life at home. Well sorry to break it to you honey, you’re 43 and married with kids.
He is being a dick because he knows he has his new friend to fall back on. It’s sad.

He won’t have a conversation with me, anytime I try he cuts me off and tells me not to start. Basically it’s my problem, deal with it.

I haven’t got any friends, I stopped going out with friends and colleagues as all I got accused of was cheating, so in the end it wasn’t worth it and I cut myself off from them. I’m nearly 36 with nothing to show for it.
I don’t even have my husband to go and do things, we don’t go out for dinner, days out, and the odd times we do end up in tears. Even the kids don’t like him coming out with us, I usually do things with them on my own or my mum.
The only way he sees socialising is just going on a bender. He’s too old to just see that’s the way to live, fine obviously once in a while but not the only way.

You need to take action and quickly. Mobilise yourself and take all the advice you've been given. You don't know if there is a way out until you try.

I’m trying to see what I can arrange but don’t think it’s going to be overnight.

He was acting strange on the phone this morning when I was going to work, seemed agitated. But then he sent me text messages to stop the violence and that I him in the head, that verbal abuse is ok but not physical? I called him as didn’t know what the hell he was on about, he said he thinks a few nights ago I must have hit his head during the night when sleeping as it feels like he’s been punched? But didn’t mention anything over the past few days? I know I didn’t but it’s just so random to come out with it.

OP you need to leave as it will only get worse. You don’t want your 16 year old leaving or even worse following in his footsteps. There are lots of threads on MN of people in positions where they have left and have been happier in their new life, even people on low incomes who think they can’t manage. Good luck

@Eggtimerping yes I do work.

@GrannieD I know it is affecting my kids, especially my 16 year old. He doesn’t like his dad, and I know that most probably can’t wait to leave. I’m worried my youngest will be like his dad. He has very similar personality traits, and has ADHD which I think my husband may have some form of this.

I know he won’t change, it’s me that needs to change this for the better of my kids. I feel like such a failure of a mum.