Need advice from other failed short marriages

[VictoriaLister]

Hello!

Coming to mumsnet as I need some advice from others that there is life after divorce!!

I'm 32 - met my DH, fell madly in love, moved in after 2 months, got engaged after 9 months and then married after 18m. Unfortunately since the wedding it's all gone wrong, we've spent the last (almost) a year since we got married doing nothing but arguing. Really hurtful things have been said and he's not willing to try therapy so we've decided to separate.

I feel so upset like we haven't tried every angle to make this work, we said a vow and I feel we're throwing it away too quickly. However, having said that, we argue so much and he never takes accountability for anything (think he's said sorry, I could count on one hand how many times in the whole time we've been together). He's said some very hurtful things about my family, and never had my back in scenarios where his family and friends haven't been very nice to me. He also gets so angry in arguments he shouts and calls me names usually starting with me being a F'ing B or Idiot and it's always my fault, mainly because I'm 'too sensitive' but I feel this is just a way to discard my feelings. I then always try to dissolve arguments as I don't like bad feeling, if I didn't then we wouldn't speak for days.

I know deep down that it's the right thing to do, I've been unhappy since the wedding and so has he, we argued before but we blamed it on 'wedding stress' and I think maybe we're just not compatible. It's so sad as when we have good girls he's my best friend in the world but when it's bad it's so nasty. We also rarely resolve arguments as he won't ever say sorry so it's only when I take accountability if I've done something - which ofcourse I've done as I'm not perfect!

Im very embarrassed to tell extended family and friends as it's not even been a year since the wedding, and I'm so scared to have to start again. So just wanted to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if they felt better after. Thanks in advance x

No advice on life after the decision to divorce but just to say that I went through the same issues with my DH last year, and stayed as I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving after such a short time and feeling like maybe I’d not done enough to try. We had a big chat about how I wasn’t willing to have a second year of marriage like the first, but as you guessed it’s been the same!
So for what it’s worth, I think you’re making the right decision, as your DH sounds like mine in his approach to dealing with issues (or rather refusing to), and you’ll just spend years going round in circles.
My DH has finally agreed to try therapy, so I’m going to see how things go with that.

Strangely, once I hit the one year mark I suddenly felt like a massive weight had been lifted from me, I didn’t worry so much about what people would think of me walking away from my marriage if I had to.

Also, I was younger I was due to get married to someone else and called it off (by mutual agreement) quite close to the wedding. I was riddled with anxiety at the thought of telling people; I felt I was letting family down and felt embarrassed about telling friends, colleagues, etc. But when I finally did, honestly everyone was so understanding and supportive. I didn’t feel judgement from anyone. Looking back it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Please don’t let it hold you back if you know it’s time to call it a day. Some people may be in shock but they will soon get back to their lives and it’s you who has to live yours so you need to do what feels right for you.
And don’t beat yourself up for rushing into things with your DH. I’ve been with DH a lot longer and still ended up in the same situation.

You will meet someone else when the time is right. In the meantime keep yourself busy, make plans with family and friends, take up a hobby and enjoy the here and now 💐

I met and married relatively quickly and the cracks began to show quite early in. Like you I felt almost too embarrassed to seek a divorce early on, so we rumbled on but it was never ideal and I'm now getting divorced. Looking back I wish I had got it sooner.....

It is what it is
Mine only lasted 2.5 years but should never have happened in the first place
I do feel though, that in the unlikely event I got married again id feel a bit embarrassed. Probably wouldn't invite many of the same people 🤦‍♀️

My first marriage only lasted two years, it went downhill very quickly...he was also the type to stoop low during aguments, call me names and refused to take any accountabilty. You cannot have a relationship with someone like that.

You are both doing the right thing.

My marriage was 8 months before I left. Real friends won't care they'll just be there for you. I felt silly too but life just happens doesn't it. Do what you need to do to be happy x

I was with someone for 6 years two of which we were married. We should never have gotten married as we'd broken up once but got back together. I thought he would change....the one thing we agreed on was to get divorced. It was as amicable as things could be and now we are on speaking terms. The smartest thing I did. I have no desire to get married again.

I met and married my second husband in 9 months. We should never have married and hurt each other a great deal, but we are friends and divorced amicably.

I'm so much happier now. I'll never forget someone messaging me on Facebook when they saw I'd got divorced and they said "I wish I could have been as strong as you and left when I knew it wasn't right. I've been with XXX for 20byears because I'm too scared to leave."

And I realised that it doesn't show weakness to leave. It is sometimes weaker to stay and be unhappy.

Thank you so so so much everyone who has replied! It's making me feel like I'm not the only one and my feelings are valid. I keep feeling so panicky that we are rushing the separation but I know that I haven't been truly happy and been in a bad place for months now so I know it's the right decision.

It's just hard because I do really love him and when times are good they are amazing. But the second i say anything that implies a slight negativity towards my DH whether it be that something he's done has annoyed me, or if I say something on tv he doesn't agree with or anything - I get such a different side to him and when I speak my mind Its somehow my fault and I have to remind myself these things are I don't want this forever. But right now it's really difficult! It's my house I had before we met, he's moving out in 2 weeks and just told me it's with a girl from work, so it's also even harder that now my anxiety is through the roof for that! Just a huge mess & so hard still being around each other.. but I do know it's for the best and thank you everyone who's shared their experiences x

And to add right now we're on good terms so I'm hoping it stays like this! Just feels like we've failed and I feel so guilty and embarrassed for how much people spent on coming to the wedding/gifts etc :( but I know that the people who really matter won't care x

I married and divorced in under a year. It’s fine. Just bite the bullet and tell everyone and move on. He sounds like a bad partner and life is too short to waste any more time! People who love you just want you to be happy and I have never felt judged.

If you were my friend and I heard your marriage had broken down after a year, I would feel properly relieved for you.

You have been really brave and accepted it hasn't worked out, despite best intentions.

I always feel so sad for people who stick in marriages which are unhappy. Life. Is too precious to waste.

You have a new start ahead and wonderful things will happen.

I was with my exh for many years but split after a year of marriage. I totally felt like I had failed and worried about being judged, then one day I had just had enough and thought fuck this, other people's judgment is not worth being miserable. And actually I don't care what other people think because they don't know what went on in our marriage. You need to let go of everyone/ everything else and just focus on what is right for you because life really is too short to carry on doing something that makes you miserable to please other people. For what it's worth, all my friends and family were on my side and understood. People who love you really just want you to be happy.

We were together 8 years, married for 1y 3m of those. Complete mistake- think I was attempting to fix the relationship. Deep down I knew it was wrong.

Hi OP, I am in a similar situation to you and have been married for just under a year. The wedding feels so recent.

I am scared too about being judged. But I know I wouldn't judge anyone who was in a similar situation.

Xx

I had a very short first marriage, about 11.5 months. I knew I shouldn’t be getting married beforehand but wrote it off as cold feet/nervousness.

The split was rather embarrassing at the time (I was very young) and the relationship ended with my cheating, so it was shocking to quite a few people too.

I regret hurting my ex husband and getting married in the first place, but I do not regret ending the marriage - it’s one of the few brave things I’ve done.

Hold your head up high and try to not feel embarrassed by it - plenty of marriages fail and you’ve done nothing wrong.

I’ve wasted so much of my life feeling embarrassed about my first marriage and my behaviour when really I was just a kid who didn’t have the confidence to change things. I made mistakes, but I refuse to hide it anymore because I’m not the same person I was then. If people don’t like me because of it that’s their look out!

He is moving in with a woman from work? How long has he been seeing her?

I'm so sorry to hear about everyone else's marriages breaking down too 😔 (I've only just realised how to @ mention people and reply haha)

@Han490 I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation, it's such a strange feeling isn't it. I feel so scared at the prospect of starting again and he is my best friend when times are good so it feels like such a loss, but also I think it is brave to accept that it's not right to not waste either of our time. It just sucks!!
@MuchTooTired thank you - I guess I just keep second guessing that it should have worked because we are married but at the end of the day the relationship won't change just because we signed some paper! (I know it's more than that.. but it's the pressure we put on ourselves once married)
@determinedtomakethiswork he says they're only friends and it's for convenience that he's moving in with her as her housemate moves out next week apparently and because it's close to work it's easier.. and no contract as its friends meaning he's not tied in. It doesn't sit too well with me but I can't say anything as we're separating but it still fills me with dread 😔
@Cupcakekiller thanks for sharing - I think with the arguments prior to my wedding I probably thought marriage would just solve all the arguments but it definitely didn't 😔

@VictoriaLister - I think the best measure of the quality of a relationship is how it is when things are bad. It’s easy for things to feel great when things are good. When DH and I argue, things are a bit meh but your arguments sound really toxic and he sounds really unpleasant. The fact he didn’t want counselling says it all really and the way you describe him talking to you is him verging on abusive. This is not a man or a marriage to hold on to. Far better to walk away without wasting more time.

Honestly, the people who care about you and who matter in your life will just want you to be happy. Anyone who judges you for ending the marriage isn’t worth your time or concern. I think you’d be very courageous to leave a marriage that you know isn’t going to work.

I don’t think telling people that you’re getting divorced would feel easier in 12 months, 2 years, 5 years etc. It’ll feel a bit horrible whenever you do it but once it’s done I imagine it’ll be a huge weight off your shoulders and I think the build up beforehand will probably feel worse than actually telling people.

Trust your heart: you’ve said that deep down you know it’s the right thing to do.

Hi again OP, as I mentioned, I'm also in a similar situation. For me too, things can sometimes be really good (and then I doubt myself and think 'well maybe it can work out'). But when things are bad, it's very bad.

My husband's first marriage ended after just over a year. She cheated and he was willing to forgive her but she chose the other guy (who she later married). I didn't know him then but he said there was a certain amount of shock - they'd been together 10 years before marrying - and embarrassment for his family as they'd had a big wedding, people had travelled internationally etc. But he had no regrets that they divorced as it was clear things had no hope of improving.

@VictoriaLister I ended my marriage in November after nearly 14 years. We married in January 2009. My ex sounds a lot like yours (worse as occasionally violent) - really toxic conflict style, horrible name calling, zero accountability.

I was looking through my emails the other day and found an email exchange from 2010 after a horrible fight where I was saying we should split etc (and detailing all the awful fights we’d had going back to 2003! it wasn’t a whirlwind romance!!) … we’ve been having versions of that fight ever since. I could have left in 2010, I was only 28 but I felt humiliated as I’d only been married just over a year. I can’t regret it as I went on to have my two children but I can’t help thinking that that clever, funny, pretty 28 year old could have spent the last 10+ years with someone who really loved her and was delighted to be with her. You have that chance!!! Have a wonderful life, you really deserve the best 💖💖💖

Thanks everyone.

@Dery that's exactly it, I feel it's verging on emotional abuse as well, as I read somewhere 'if they're never wrong then you're always wrong' and that stuck with me as it's just been wearing me down constantly second guessing myself or not saying how I really feel in fear of an argument or being shouted at. I think you're right, the good times will always be good but we don't have any children so the testing times would be to come, this should be the happy part!

@IfYouDontAsk that really resonated with me. You're so right, why would it be easier in years to come to tell people. I just need to bite the bullet then it's old news

@Han490 I'm sorry it's like this for you too 😣 that's it, when it's good I question if I can put up with the bad.. but 'put up with' should be minor things not the stuff that is really hurtful. Sending you lots of love! X

@honeylulu thanks for sharing, I think that's it I'm sure I won't regret it in the future but I feel all wobbly about it now

@Endoftheroad12345 thank you for your message it actually brought a tear to my eye 🥺 I'm so sorry that your ex was violent, that must have been so hard for you. My therapist said this week that way of dealing with conflict is actually a form of aggression and I think she's right. Thank you for your lovely words x

Brilliant advice . We only have one life .

@VictoriaLister I thought after I wrote it that saying “but worse” was a bit insensitive, it’s not the Shit Husband Olympics!! I guarantee it would get worse if you stayed and had children together. You are really smart and courageous making the choice to split now.

Oddly enough my sister had a short lived marriage a couple of years before I was married (probably another reason I felt too sheepish to leave, in case people thought being bolters was genetic or something 😂). He cheated and they split within the year. She went on to meet her now husband of 12 years and they have 3 kids and seem pretty happy. No one even remembers her first marriage. It will be like this for you and it will be part of your journey that will lead you to someone amazing.