Need advice from other failed short marriages

[VictoriaLister]

Hello!

Coming to mumsnet as I need some advice from others that there is life after divorce!!

I'm 32 - met my DH, fell madly in love, moved in after 2 months, got engaged after 9 months and then married after 18m. Unfortunately since the wedding it's all gone wrong, we've spent the last (almost) a year since we got married doing nothing but arguing. Really hurtful things have been said and he's not willing to try therapy so we've decided to separate.

I feel so upset like we haven't tried every angle to make this work, we said a vow and I feel we're throwing it away too quickly. However, having said that, we argue so much and he never takes accountability for anything (think he's said sorry, I could count on one hand how many times in the whole time we've been together). He's said some very hurtful things about my family, and never had my back in scenarios where his family and friends haven't been very nice to me. He also gets so angry in arguments he shouts and calls me names usually starting with me being a F'ing B or Idiot and it's always my fault, mainly because I'm 'too sensitive' but I feel this is just a way to discard my feelings. I then always try to dissolve arguments as I don't like bad feeling, if I didn't then we wouldn't speak for days.

I know deep down that it's the right thing to do, I've been unhappy since the wedding and so has he, we argued before but we blamed it on 'wedding stress' and I think maybe we're just not compatible. It's so sad as when we have good girls he's my best friend in the world but when it's bad it's so nasty. We also rarely resolve arguments as he won't ever say sorry so it's only when I take accountability if I've done something - which ofcourse I've done as I'm not perfect!

Im very embarrassed to tell extended family and friends as it's not even been a year since the wedding, and I'm so scared to have to start again. So just wanted to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if they felt better after. Thanks in advance x

@Endoftheroad12345 not insensitive at all !!! Physical abuse is definitely worse, 100%!

Yeah I think it would get worse and that's what I keep telling myself. Least I've learnt a lot about what I do need in a relationship and what partner I need to be and what I expect from others.

Yeah I can definitely see that if you're sister had a short marriage then you would want to try and see if it would work, I totally get that! You're right though, in years to come this will be a distant memory and I'll know it was the right thing. Just petrified of starting all over again.. but it's better to be on my own than be constantly unhappy with the wrong person!

Thanks again for your lovely words xxx

Yes, me. I knew from the first week that it was a mistake, he was a very good salesman and I think he had ‘sold’ me the relationship. As soon as he had ‘made the sale’ he just lost interest.

I understand that you feel embarrassed and a bit ashamed that you have to admit to a mistake so soon, but you sound in a better place to do it than me! I had left my job ( rich bloke, lots of international travel expected) sold my flat to move into his house ( with huge mortgage but that wasn’t mentioned)….I felt like an idiot.

what I learnt , which has stood me in good stead, was that actually no one cares or is as interested as you are. For most people, it’s a five day wonder, then the next thing comes along and they are interested in that instead. You just have to hold your nerve.

Oddly, DH had left his first marriage after eighteen months, and they had been going out for ages before it! When he got round to mentioning it ( it was years before we met) he just said that something changed when they married. We’ve been together for forty years…..

You're right. It its nothing to do with them or it doesn't affect them people don't care . I found that people who cared blamed the person they liked least for the split despite what caused it .

I had a friend who knew very quickly she had made a mistake but stuck it out for two years because her parents had spent £££ mega bucks in her big day and she knew it would have been thrown in her face forever if she had left that marriage quickly. She said it was two years of her life she would never get back . She went on to marry someone else in a simple ceremony , had her DC and never looked back .

I knew fairly quickly after the honeymoon I had made a mistake but stuck with it for years...big mistake as it didn't get better and I was just older and exhausted by the time I left.

Looking back, I wish I had been kinder to myself and not judged myself.

You will have doubts and regrets, start a journal about the arguments and how you feel so that you can look back and know it's the right decision. A relationship where you walk on eggshells impacts your physical & mental health.

If you were love bombed at the start of your relationship you maybe in the idealise, devalue, discard cycle.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen I'm so sorry to hear that you were sold the dream and you'd also given up your career and home :( but the lessons learned are a huge thing aren't they and a blessing for later on. 40 years - wow 🥰 congratulations, things do happen for a reason! You're very right though, I never really thought of it like that but once they find out it'll be old news soon I'm sure. Just got to do what's right and it'll all work itself out 🙏🏻

@SmashedApricot sorry to hear about your friend, I can only imagine how difficult that was! Luckily myself and DH paid for most of the wedding ourselves - although he keeps throwing in my face that he's 'spunked all his money on a wedding and now what's he going to do as it was his life savings' but he proposed let's not forget... 🤷‍♀️ and I paid for 50% of it so not like he paid for it all.

@Tex81 thank you- I needed to hear that because otherwise I sometimes think, should we just give it one more go. But this thread has helped me realise that he won't change as a person so we will just keep having the same fights until inevitably it happens down the line. And exactly that, I'm in therapy trying to work out what's happening but it takes two to change unfortunately x

@Livinghappy Im sorry to hear that :-( I do love the journey idea. It's funny because I have a notes section on my phone I've been adding to for months and when I have moments of doubt I look back and remind myself it's not normal to have pages upon pages of arguments. That's exactly it, walking on eggshells is exactly how I feel- so I end up suppressing any kind of reaction to things because of the fear of getting a certain look or a full blown argument and it really does impact mental health. Thank you for sharing x

I saw a saying once, can't remember it exactly but it was something like 'don't cling to a mistake because of the time you spent making it'
Not quite the same for where you are now but the sentiment resonated with me. I did the opposite and stayed in a marriage for 10 years- wish I'd walked away after a year. I think you are so brave and wish you every future happiness.

Thank you @Ihaveated - appreciate your kind words and I love that quote, it does really does resonate! I think we worry so much about what people think and how long would be acceptable but really life is too short isn't it, and I keep asking myself 'is this the life I want for potentially the next 50 years?' And unfortunately the answer is no so I know it's the right thing 🙏🏻

My marriage lasted 3 months. Although we’d been together 12 years before that. He cheated (for the hundredth time) and a switch flicked in my head and I was just done.

I was embarrassed to tell people and I still cringe when I think of the wedding and how much money was wasted by us, my family and our friends. I think about it every time I see anything wedding related. I’m glad I left though, I’ve been so much happier since.

A close friend of mine married very quickly, it lasted 3 years on paper but in effect last 3 months. No point delaying the inevitable. Get your life back by leaving and divorce.