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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do? Divorce

66 replies

Flowerstone · 21/05/2023 12:40

Does anyone have any advice?
I am a mother of 3 with a part time job. My husband and I have decided to divorce.
However, I’m a bit stumped with where to go once our house has sold.
I will have roughly £60k in cash from equity following the house sale which means I won’t qualify for social housing.
However, I won’t be able to buy a house with my salary or pass an affordability check due to having 3 kids.
I also won’t be able to claim university credit as I will have over £16k in savings.
I will receive child maintenance from my ex however this still won’t be substantial to raise 3 kids.
My only option is to rent but this will eat into my savings and make it impossible to eventually buy my own home.
Can anyone think of alternatives??

OP posts:
lljkk · 21/05/2023 20:20

Regard him as a giant toddler, OP.
Except you don't have to be embarrassed about him, he can happily embarrass himself.

Who is 'everyone' and why do they have influence over your life?

middleeasternpromise · 21/05/2023 20:29

I think he's trying to railroad you and is perhaps much more anxious about the future than the bluster implies. When he tries to push you into things tell him you're more than happy too if he joins you in mediation to work out as quickly as possible how it will work.

I was in a similar situation, he went ahead and sold the property without my agreement - the proceeds were locked up in solicitors account until divorce finalized. Not ideal so proceed with caution.

Original poster
Flowerstone · 21/05/2023 21:23

He is very impatient and likes to have control over everything, especially financial matters so he won’t like that I’m to act independently of him with regards to finances.
He’s now saying disgusting things about my Dad in front of the kids. If anything, this is making the process easier for me.

OP posts:
Menopants · 21/05/2023 21:26

Don’t hesitate to phone the police if he is getting abusive. Fucking bullying cunt. Get that fucking pension

Time4achange2 · 21/05/2023 22:33

Do not engage or respond. Look up 'grey rock' method to deal with this horrible bully.

You are entitled to far more. It is not up to him to decide alone. DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED. What a vile man.

Keep notes of dates and what he threatened. Keep a record of all your expenses particularly relating to expenditure in respect of the children.

Is he picking up 50% of the childcare or is that all down to you too? Can I ask who's decision it was to divorce?

Ladybug14 · 22/05/2023 06:08

I would grey rock constantly

Do not tell him what you're doing

Communicate via solicitors

I would also call the Police (not 999) and ask them what to do when he is so frighteningly verbally abusive

If the Police can help, get an incident number each time you report him to them for his verbal abuse

It's so difficult for the children but you are showing the children that if someone is unkind and nasty, they should not put up with it

Campervangirl · 22/05/2023 06:25

He's abusing you because you're not playing his game, he expects you to accept £60k and walk away and he keeps everything else, pension, crypto etc, he'll be set for life and you'll be struggling.
Fuck that.
See a solicitor, get what you're entitled to, my dsis is currently going through mediation, that is a good first step.
Ignore him telling you what other people are saying, it's not them who are going to end up shafted financially.
Don't put the house on the market.
Get together any financial information to present to your solicitor.
I agree if he carries on verbally abusing you call the police.
This is no longer your dh, the person who should have your welfare at heart, this is a man who is prepared to screw over the mother of his DC.
It's going to get nasty so brace yourself, it's already starting, you need to be strong.

Zanatdy · 22/05/2023 06:41

Flowerstone · 21/05/2023 13:19

Thank you, this all really appreciated. I wasn’t aware of the potential for claim to 60/40 either.

My ex (male) got 90% of the house as he had full custody and his ex had a large salary (over 200k) so there’s definitely other options than 50/50 and they will look at things like affordability of a new house etc. How short are you of being able to get a mortgage to buy a property? Are you able to increase hours or look for a better paid job for example? Otherwise your only other option is shared ownership or you will have to spend your equity on rent payments yes. There’s no other options. I’d say increasing your income is your best bet and work towards purchasing if it’s going to be possible depending on house prices where you are

wobytide · 22/05/2023 07:10

He's got a big reality check coming. Given the ages of the children and your relative wages it's going to be hard to justify a)selling the house and b) even if it does sell giving you equal equity

You need to get advice from relevant sources and also contact some of the women's organisations especially if he is starting to get abusive regarding the situation

heldinadream · 22/05/2023 07:35

Flowerstone · 21/05/2023 21:23

He is very impatient and likes to have control over everything, especially financial matters so he won’t like that I’m to act independently of him with regards to finances.
He’s now saying disgusting things about my Dad in front of the kids. If anything, this is making the process easier for me.

Wants a divorce but won't like you acting independently over finances?

He's just a deluded idiot OP. He's like a two year old wanting two incompatible things.
What would you do with your two year old to help them understand reality? Not pander to them, that's for sure.
I bet you are a lot stronger and more savvy than you think you are.

jackstini · 22/05/2023 08:42

Definitely do not put the house on the market yet

It is very possible you and the children can stay in it

Completely grey rock him. You can confirm by sending 1 text that you will communicate in writing after you have seen your solicitor

jsku · 22/05/2023 09:05

I have been through a tough divorce, and several friends have as well.

Like others advised - do NOT agree anything now. Do NOT sell the house.
Prepare for a fight, and fortify your MH as he’ll be nasty until he realises law is the law, and he doesn’t get to railroad you.
Call the police at any time he becomes abusive/threatening.
A few visits of men in uniform often sort them out.

On a more general note - don’t give up what you are legally entitled to. Remember that you are fighting for your kids future.
Don’t give in to his bullying.
Negotiating with men like this can be expensive - so it’ll find cheapest direct access barrister and apply for a court date. Or find a solicitor who would take contingency fee. Try Citizen Advice or Women’s aid or ask friends - people may know someone decently priced.

His threat to quit his jobs are laughable. You are entitled to half of EVERYTHING - that includes pension. Spousal maintenance isn’t used much these days. So him quitting his job doesn’t change asset split. It can affect child maintenance at the time of court - but also he won’t have money to live on. So - it’s an empty threat. And child maintenance comes back the moment he starts working again.

Basically - my advice - fight. If not for yourself - then for your kids

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 22/05/2023 10:00

Phone the police if his abuse continues. Having something like that will possibly help you anyway.

See the solicitor.

Go for absolutely everything you’re entitled to.

His threats are empty and because he’s trying to scare you into compliance and making his life easier, but he can’t get around the law by being a cunt.

You’re going to be well rid of this vile piece of shit.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/05/2023 10:13

I'm really glad you're seeking legal advice. He's screwing you over, he knows he's doing it and he doesn't want you to realise that. 50/50 is the starting point but you have 3 children you need to house and one who is still very young. You are absolutely entitled to pension sharing. ALL assets are taken into account. What a shit he is. Do not let him get away with it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/05/2023 10:14

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 21/05/2023 13:22

Its already nasty, suggest you get nasty too, the only thing that actually matters now is what you walk away with. The rest you have no control over.
Start gathering as much evidence as you can on finances, statements on pensions, investments etc.
File the divorce papers so you are the petitioner. Get form E completed make sure everything goes on it (especially his). Read as much as you can on the process because if you can do a lot of the solicitor stuff yourself (which you can its really not difficult) then you can spend money on a direct access barrister if it goes to court. That will reduce your costs 10x over.
50/50 on everything is the bare minimum, but frankly if you are left with majority care for 3 youngish children Id be aiming for 70/30 particularly with the house. Mersher orders still happen (you stay in house till youngest finishes ft education). Court will want to see you (and primarily the children) securely housed if possible. As well as with equal provision for you both in retirement. Think about how you can maximise your income, maybe you need to retrain or do some post grad, get a 5 year plan in place and start working on it. The labout market is hot at the moment, lots of opportunities, huge skills shortages, so think big. Forget about it being friendly, he's already way past that. And he wont be able to quit his job, he needs to afford to live too, and court will look upon that extremely poorly if he does, so hes a fool if he does it and it wont go in his favour. Ignore the stupid threats and bullying, but document all the evidence you can in writing, and dont hesitate to involve the police if he gets threatening. Take the high road in all your communications, be reasonable polite centre the children and their needs, but stay firm and dont back down.

This is all excellent advice which I would have posted myself had I had time this morning. I self represented in my own case. It's stressful but doable and I had no legal fees as a result. I also kept the house.

lljkk · 22/05/2023 13:31

I hope your dad takes your side, OP. I think most parents would side with their own kids 1st and foremost if there's a dispute. People around you don't want to be forced to take sides, but... I'd take my dad aside & just say how hard you are trying to keep this amicable and that is why you're not telling your dad half of how unpleasant your husband has been to you. So... please will he not accept what your stbxH is saying about you as factual.

Sometimes saying less carries huge weight.

BetterFuture1985 · 26/05/2023 11:23

Okay, there's quite a lot of bad advice circulating here which is just going to end in a big, fat legal bill. You might get 70% of the current assets at the end of it, but that's 70% of what is left after legal fees and you're not dealing with a huge amount of capital here. If 50/50 is £60k each that's £120k overall. Legal fees to a final hearing will be about £20k each leaving £80k and 70% of that is £56k. Court is still worth it to get a share of the pension, but you do need to keep doing the calculations as a good practice.

Two things probably not worth pursuing though are Spousal Maintenance (rare) and a Mesher Order (extremely rare). I can guarantee that because you already work, can get benefits and will receive child maintenance that there is absolutely no chance that he will be ordered to pay you any spousal maintenance. You will simply be expected to go from part time to full time if you want more income.

The Mesher Order will probably fail because you won't be able to afford the mortgage, either immediately or at some point in the future. Interest rates are rising, he won't be considered a high enough earner to help you pay the mortgage and you'll either be expected to sell and split the equity now or - in the unlikely event that a court is willing to let you have a Mesher Order - have a clause in the Mesher that you pay the full mortgage that becomes impossible to do when rates reach the now expected level of 5.5%.

My advice therefore would be shared ownership in your situation. I think the advice you have received from others is lousy and unrealistic in the circumstances.

Original poster
Flowerstone · 27/05/2023 13:15

Thanks @BetterFuture1985 everything you’ve said is spot on as confirmed by my solicitor. We are currently living together and he’s playing nice at the minute by offering to pay 75% of bills while I pay 25% but I know this is to keep me sweet so I don’t claim a share of his pension, shares and crypto.
He’s even just turned around and said he thinks it’s disgusting he should have to pay child maintenance if he intends to have the kids for half the time. And the threat to sack his job in still stands.
I pointed out that he clearly doesn’t care about the children but he just turns around and said no he doesn’t want me to have any of his money.

OP posts:
MayBeee · 27/05/2023 13:27

What is it with men that think giving child maintenance = giving their money to you !
Wake up - to are paying to enable your own kids to eat , dress , live. Grrrrrr

Marie2023 · 27/05/2023 13:30

Don’t sell the house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2023 13:37

Has your solicitor said he’ll need to pay maintenance if you have 50/50 care of the children? That’s not the norm.

Babyroobs · 27/05/2023 13:45

Can you look at shared ownership if you won't be able to afford to buy a house outright ? The equity can be disregarded for Uc if being put into buying another property.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/05/2023 22:47

Id he can’t stop being verbally abusive call the police
seriously he needs to fuck off
he can’t scare you into seperation that suits him

or call womens aid this week x

If he continues to shout and won’t be peaceful
are the kids there ? Whilst he’s shouting away ?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/05/2023 22:50

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill

this is good advice op

Freefall212 · 27/05/2023 22:50

You need to get your salary up ASAP. That is a very low salary for someone with responsiblity for 3 children and an adult. You need to search for better jobs.