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Original poster

Is this normal?

50 replies

lucy542 · 21/05/2023 11:15

Hi to cut a long story short, my boyfriend thinks his friend’s girlfriend is sexually attractive and also he likes her as a person and thinks she’s a nice person. I’ve never met her or seen her but he’s told me a few things about her without me asking. What her job is and how he doesn’t agree with what his friend says to her sometimes, saying it like he feels sorry for her.
It’s one thing him thinking she’s sexually attractive but is it normal for him to also like her as a person aswell?

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 21/05/2023 11:16

Why are you staying with him when he’s admitted to this?

Dotcheck · 21/05/2023 11:19

You’re focusing on the wrong thing here.
Are you happy for him to tell you , his girlfriend about specific women he has a crush on?
Disrespectful

Original poster
lucy542 · 21/05/2023 11:21

Because he has told me it’s normal to find other women sexually attractive aswell as thinking they’re a nice person aswell while he’s in a relationship with me. Is it normal? It’s been playing on my mind.
I asked him if he finds her sexually attractive because he was talking to me about her like he felt sorry for her

OP posts:
Tayegete · 21/05/2023 11:23

I would question why he is telling you. We all find other people attractive but don’t need to bang on about it to our partners. Sounds like he’s trying to upset you.

Whiskeypowers · 21/05/2023 11:25

It’s normal to find other people attractive yes but his behaviour is so disrespectful of your feelings. Plus it’s a friend’s girlfriend.

he is taking the piss and if I were you I’d have dumped him the minute that came out of his mouth tbh. He clearly doesn’t give a toss if he upsets you.

Original poster
lucy542 · 21/05/2023 11:25

I asked him though if he finds her sexually attractive so it’s probably my fault he told me but I only asked him because of how he was talking about her

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2023 11:28

He’s a disrespectful little jerk. You asked him if he fancied her because he kept going on about her in an admiring/sympathetic way. He’s being inappropriate and insensitive.

What next? You’re expected to listen and nod as he describes what he’d like to do to her sexually and how he’d cradle her as they talked for hours afterwards? Yeah only natural innit? What a total prick he is OP.

Dump.

NewAnon · 21/05/2023 11:28

Is it normal to fancy someone else lse during a long term relationship?

Sure.

Is it okay to tell your partner? Usually not, at best it's thoughtless, at worst it's manipulative triangulation.

Opentooffers · 21/05/2023 11:37

You shouldn't put up with being with someone who talks on about another woman you haven't even met ( so it's not a 2 way discussion about a mutualfriend).
He has overshared his thoughts to the extent that you asked him outright about fancying her. He confirmed he does - not a nice thing to admit to.
Back yourself, you should expect better from a BF. He's training you to accept what is poor behaviour. Whatever he's said about him acting normally is BS. He will end up making you feel like a plan B until his friends girlfriend becomes available. You don't need this.

Whiskeypowers · 21/05/2023 11:40

lucy542 · 21/05/2023 11:25

I asked him though if he finds her sexually attractive so it’s probably my fault he told me but I only asked him because of how he was talking about her

It’s not your fault
he’s a prick

Hawkins0001 · 21/05/2023 11:44

All the best op

Original poster
lucy542 · 21/05/2023 11:50

Thanks for all your replies. I knew it wasn’t right what he said but he keeps telling me it’s normal to feel like that towards other women while being in a relationship with me so he made me feel confused and made me wonder if it’s me in the wrong feeling like it’s not. He has made it obvious to me when he thinks other women are sexually attractive but it’s the first time he’s told me he likes one of them as a person aswell and it’s not nice to hear

OP posts:
tailinthejam · 21/05/2023 12:05

How would he react if you told him you fancied the pants off one of his friends, and went on and on about what a lovely bloke he was?

Original poster
lucy542 · 21/05/2023 12:10

He tells me he’s not bothered if I think someone is sexually attractive but he probably wouldn’t like me going on about them

OP posts:
pennycoins · 21/05/2023 12:13

For me, absolutely not. Yes, we all can appreciate others in ways, even if we are in dedicated relationships. But if my partner told me he was sexually attracted to another female, he could kindly piss off and find someone else who would accept that!

DuchessOfSausage · 21/05/2023 12:14

Ditch him and find someone who is less immature and insensitive.
Or tell him that your friend's boyfriend gives you the fanny gallops, has a great personality and a flash car.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/05/2023 12:17

Have you actually understood the replies op? (Your latest posts are similar to your first).

Normal - finding other people attractive and nice.

Not normal whatsoever and completely a dumpable offence if you have even the slightest bit of self respect - telling your partner over and over about it.

Original poster
lucy542 · 21/05/2023 12:33

Yes I understand, I think I’m just so used to his ways and him telling me things are normal when I know they’re not, it’s became a way of life. Plus he turns it round on me and tells me it’s my fault for asking.

OP posts:
Dery · 21/05/2023 12:37

“Normal - finding other people attractive and nice.

Not normal whatsoever and completely a dumpable offence if you have even the slightest bit of self respect - telling your partner over and over about it.”

This.

Mumofnarnia · 21/05/2023 12:37

lucy542 · 21/05/2023 11:21

Because he has told me it’s normal to find other women sexually attractive aswell as thinking they’re a nice person aswell while he’s in a relationship with me. Is it normal? It’s been playing on my mind.
I asked him if he finds her sexually attractive because he was talking to me about her like he felt sorry for her

It maybe ‘normal’ to find other people attractive! However what is not normal is the way he’s talking about her to you! Sounds to me like he’s trying to purposely upset you and is enjoying it! No respectful man would say things like that about another woman in front of his girlfriend! Maybe start telling him you find your friend’s boyfriends sexually attractive too and talk about them all the time and make him feel inferior to them! Or even better just dump him and tell him to find someone like his friend’s girlfriend then if he finds her so attractive

Mumofnarnia · 21/05/2023 12:41

Also by purposely hurting you and then telling you it’s ‘normal’ to be attracted to other people is gaslighting and manipulative to try and make your feelings shouldn’t just matter and that you’re being silly for even questioning him!

BreviloquentBastard · 21/05/2023 12:45

He's disrespecting you, your relationship, his friend, his friend's girlfriend and his friend's relationship all in one fell swoop, because he apparently keeps his brain alongside his testicles.

My love you can do so much better than this skidmark. Please get rid.

Original poster
lucy542 · 21/05/2023 12:47

Mumofnarnia · 21/05/2023 12:41

Also by purposely hurting you and then telling you it’s ‘normal’ to be attracted to other people is gaslighting and manipulative to try and make your feelings shouldn’t just matter and that you’re being silly for even questioning him!

This is exactly what I think he’s doing and I feel so down about myself. He says things then says he hasn’t said them aswell so I’ve been having to screenshot messages for proof he’s said them and then he just says he doesn’t know why he’s said things or says he doesn’t remember saying things. It’s mind games

OP posts:
tailinthejam · 21/05/2023 12:51

He's negging you. All this talk about how much he fancies someone else is to make you feel inferior and insecure, and it's working.

As for 'not remembering' things you know he's said - that's gaslighting.

Do yourself a massive favour and dump him.

Mumofnarnia · 21/05/2023 12:59

lucy542 · 21/05/2023 12:47

This is exactly what I think he’s doing and I feel so down about myself. He says things then says he hasn’t said them aswell so I’ve been having to screenshot messages for proof he’s said them and then he just says he doesn’t know why he’s said things or says he doesn’t remember saying things. It’s mind games

Show quote history

Just get rid op. He is gaslighting you. Telling you that he finds another woman attractive and then denying it to the point you have to send him screenshots! He knows he’s said it but he’s trying to put doubt into your head to make it seem like you’re going crazy! It’s the first sign of abuse. It will only be a downward spiral from there. Please google gaslighting and narcissistic abuse! And then run as far away as possible