Is this normal?

[lucy542]

Hi to cut a long story short, my boyfriend thinks his friend’s girlfriend is sexually attractive and also he likes her as a person and thinks she’s a nice person. I’ve never met her or seen her but he’s told me a few things about her without me asking. What her job is and how he doesn’t agree with what his friend says to her sometimes, saying it like he feels sorry for her.
It’s one thing him thinking she’s sexually attractive but is it normal for him to also like her as a person aswell?

Tell him he’s a not job but not to worry because most people are nut jobs and it’s normal! Let’s see how he likes to have doubts put in his mind!

OP - your relationship should be good for you; it should boost you up and make you feel valued, confident and strong. If it doesn’t, it’s the wrong relationship. Why are you hanging on to a BF who makes you feel bad? Let him go.

First things first, if he’s denying having said stuff that he demonstrably said that’s gaslighting which is an abusive behaviour. Secondly, a relationship should make you feel good about yourself and he isn’t doing that so this is less than you deserve.

But you seem to have a weird way of looking at this, like it would be ok to find someone sexually attractive as long as he didn’t also like them as a person? Being in a relationship doesn’t stop you finding other people attractive or liking their qualities as a person, maybe even at the same time. What’s not ok is going on and on about it to the point you make your partner feel inferior. His behaviour and purposeful winding you up is the problem here, not the fact that he thinks another woman is an attractive and nice person.

It's normal to find other people attractive. It isn't OK to go on about them and to rub your gf nose in it. Especially when it's someone you know.

If he thinks it's 'normal' and OK - has he told his friend that he finds their gf sexually attractive and he likes her as a person too? Has he gone on about it to his friend?

At best he is very immature and thoughtless.
At worst he is doing this with the intention of hurting you and reducing your self confidence.

Either way, he isn't a good bf and I would honestly walk away.

Add to that the gaslighting and he comes across as being far from a catch. He doesn't treat you with respect, which is a basic requirement of a healthy relationship.

It's tempting to say reverse the tables. Pick a friend of his and keep going on about how sexy they are and what a lovely person. See if he likes it. And stop showing him that you're bothered by his comments. If he's doing it to wind you up it will stop being fun if you don't seem bothered.

HOWEVER I don't advocate playing games, and any time spent trying to teach him a lesson or get him in line is time wasted. You shouldn't have to treat a grown man how to be a decent human being.

Honestly, just walk away. And don't give him the satisfaction of telling him it's to di with his friend's gf and his negging. Just say you've gone off him, you don't find him attractive anymore.

He sounds like hard work. Is he worth it? Does he tell you how attractive he finds you? If you don't feel you are the apple of his eye, as you should be, then value yourself first and throw this one back.

Has he told his friend that he finds his girlfriend sexually attractive and really likes her? Does he go on about it to him? If he did, he'd find his friend's fist applied squarely to his nose, I'm sure.

Don't put up with this shit, you are worth far more.

I’ve told him to go and tell his mate about what he thinks of his girlfriend seen as he thought it was ok telling me. And also to go and tell his mate how he doesn’t like the way he speaks to her seen as it’s ok to tell me.

OP,

He's awful.

A creep.

Raise your bar and dump him.

He's utterly obnoxious and you deserve better. Give him his marching orders.

Of course it's normal to find other people attractive when you're in the relationship. It's also normal to think other people have nice personality. Why do you think it's not normal to see both? Some people are nice and attractive.
The problem here is that you feel insecure in a relationship and he probably contributes to that if you say he makes it obvious when he finds others attractive.

You should stop focusing so much on right or wrong of being attracted to both personality and looks and focus on how the relationship with him makes you feel and why.

It is NOT normal to deliberately rub your girlfriend's nose in it.

It is utterly crass and disrepectful to your partner. So don't make this the OP's fault by telling her that her attitude that's the problem. It's not. The problem lies entirely at the feet of her arsehole boyfriend.

Well he won’t tell his mate so that says it all. He changed his attitude towards me once I started telling him to tell his mate.

I bet he bloody did!

I wouldn’t like this at all OP. It is completely disrespectful. You’re better than this!

I'm intrigued op - are you going to finish with him now that you've realised he is a wanker?

He's a scummy creep.

Your choice to be with someone like that.

Of course it’s normal to think this BUT it’s not normal to tell your partner about one some one you are sexually attracted to and like.

This man is going to destroy yourself and what’s more this is exactly what he wants to do.

Another thing he does is, when I’m watching tv and he’s on his phone, if there’s a woman on the programme he fancies, he will stop what he’s doing on his phone and look up at the tv everytime she comes on the tv and when she goes off the tv he will go back to his phone. Then when I mention it to him he denies it. Same if we’re out and he stares at other women, he denies it and says it’s all in my head but I know what I see!!
He has said a lot of horrible things about my looks and told me he thinks other women are more beautiful than me, another thing he denies ever saying. He also told me I’m an 8 out of 10. He prefers blondes, I’m brunette. He has made me insecure about my looks and my self esteem has gone down hill.
I know I must be attractive though because I get male attention.
We have been together 14 years and have 4 kids, one who has disabilities so it’s not as easy as just splitting up.

another thing he denies ever saying He is gaslighting you.

As for giving you 8/10, have you retaliated by giving him marks out of 10 for his paunch, bald spot, smelly feet, skidmarks, bad breath, terrible driving, lack of talent in the bedroom department? Perhaps you should start.

I don’t usually say anything back but yes the other day when he said something nasty about me I told him he’s crap in bed and his is small and he stinks lol. He didn’t like it at all.

Update- I txt his friend and told him what my boyfriend had said because he wouldn’t tell him himself and his friend txt him and asked him what was I talking about. My boyfriends reply apparently was telling him to block me. His friend never txt me back but at least he knows. If it’s ok for me to know, then it’s ok for his friend to know.
My boyfriend was probably bad mouthing me though with lies.

Haha love this! Well done op! You show him! He will most likely be slagging you off to his friend and telling him to ignore you etc but it will probably make his friend wonder why you sent the message in the first place

Why are you still with him?

I wonder this myself sometimes

Yes it’ll make his friend wonder plus his friend will know I’m telling the truth because the only reason why I would know how he treats his girlfriend is if my boyfriend told me as I’ve never met his friend and girlfriend