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Original poster

Can I really stay in the same village as my husband and his new girlfriend?

30 replies

hormonalandheartbroken · 20/05/2023 20:25

Please bare with me this is a long one. Back in October my husband told me he wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted to leave and live on his own. I was shocked, I honestly didn't see it coming as I was really happy with our life. I asked him if there was anyone else and he said not. After a couple of weeks of him sleeping in the spare room he came and asked me if I thought there was a way back for us and said he thought he was depressed. He admitted he has been messaging someone else but it hadnt gone further. I rallied round him because i thought our marriage was worth saving, got him some private counselling and he said he was starting to feel better and things were becoming clearer. He wasn't happy at work so changed his job. I then found out I was pregnant (we already have a 3 year old) I was devastated to be honest. I didn't even tell him for two whole weeks while I decided what to do. I eventually told him and he was really happy then two weeks later he said he didn't think another baby was a good idea. I went away for the weekend and arrange for our child to stay out so he could have some space. When I came back he was full of apologise wanted to keep the baby and make it work so we were back to normal. Fast forward to Easter Sunday when he tells me again he wasn't happy and was moving out. By this point I've had enough, he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling prior to this. He arranged his own rented house and was waiting for his date to move in whilst still sharing my bed and still have sex (I know bad move on my part). I then find out the girl is still hanging round in the back ground and they have been messaging and calling and last weekend I find out they have been for a drink together in one of the other pubs in the village. I asked him to leave and he went straight to hers of course and will be there until he gets his keys. He is moving to the next village thankfully but she still lives in the same one as me and now I feel like I can't stay here. I drove to the doctors and she was driving towards me the other way, she is receptionist where I have my midwife appointments her sister works in the local shop. There is not getting away from it. I feel like I want to run away and hide but the other part of me knows I've done nothing wrong and I've built a life here. Why should leave? I'm half hoping it won't last and he will try and come back so that I can tell him to do one but then I think what if it doesn't and I have to see them everywhere. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has been in this situation? It's only 7 weeks until I am due and I don't even feel excited for the baby.

OP posts:
EMigrateB · 20/05/2023 20:35

Christ that's awful. They should move away not you - they should both be full of shame. Do you have friends & family in the village? How's your support?

MMadness · 20/05/2023 20:37

Don't leave.

Your husband is an arse.

Ask her next time you see her at work if she makes it a habit to message all the patient's husbands behind the wives/partners back?

dizzydizzydizzy · 20/05/2023 20:45

OP a you have done nothing wrong. Hold your head high as you go about your village.

Sorry things have been so bad for you. Enjoy your new baby.

winterchills · 20/05/2023 20:46

Thats awful! He is an absolute arse for how hes treated u. So is she!

Original poster
hormonalandheartbroken · 20/05/2023 20:56

EMigrateB · 20/05/2023 20:35

Christ that's awful. They should move away not you - they should both be full of shame. Do you have friends & family in the village? How's your support?

I do have friends in the village but no family. I am close with his family and they have been amazing. He hasn't talked to them at all or any of his friends only this woman. They only know because I told them and I'm the idiot who told them to be kind to him because he needs our love and support (before I found out she was still on the scene)

OP posts:
airmaxJ · 20/05/2023 20:56

Absolutely shocking, don't feel you have to move unless you want to , you have done nothing wrong at all . So sorry you are going through this. Similar experience I've had and I wanted to move away but now no I'm glad I didn't. If I see them I will just ignore them. Wouldn't give them my energy to let them see I'm upset.

Buildingthefuture · 20/05/2023 21:06

They are an unspeakably vile pair of toads. Both of them. Equally. But you hold your head high op, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been lied to (haven’t we all!) and you have no shame in that. The shame lies with both of them and, if they don’t feel it? Well then, aren’t they a good bloody match. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but when it comes down to it, they are both just shit people. You are not, so you do you and don’t be driven out!

Alcemeg · 20/05/2023 21:21

Village life can be shit. He wasn't ready for another child. Not your fault, but the problems are magnified by living where you do. Sorry OP X

flosset · 20/05/2023 21:24

MMadness · 20/05/2023 20:37

Don't leave.

Your husband is an arse.

Ask her next time you see her at work if she makes it a habit to message all the patient's husbands behind the wives/partners back?

This and ask loudly in front of everyone in the waiting room

Lougle · 20/05/2023 21:28

You've lost your DH but you shouldn't lose your home town. How would you feel if you moved away and then they broke up anyway? You'll have moved for nothing.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/05/2023 22:08

MMadness · 20/05/2023 20:37

Don't leave.

Your husband is an arse.

Ask her next time you see her at work if she makes it a habit to message all the patient's husbands behind the wives/partners back?

100% do this

ittakes2 · 20/05/2023 22:09

I would be shoving my pregnant belly in her face - a reminder of what a prick she is dating. He's using her as a distraction it won't last.
I'd be asking him to accompany me to my maternity appointments - that would trigger some interesting conservations at their house.
You deserve better than him so don't you dare leave your life because of him. He has already mucked you around enough - don't let him take your home and community away from you too you are going to need familiar people and places in this next phase of your life.

ittakes2 · 20/05/2023 22:10

I think you should message the practise manager and explain the situation and ask if someone else can check you in for your appointments.

Hairbrushhandle · 20/05/2023 22:11

As much as you shouldn't have to, in your shoes I'd leave. Who needs the daily reminder and anxst from seeing her or him? I'd start afresh, a new adventure.

wizzywig · 20/05/2023 22:13

Is there a way that her access to your notes can be restricted?

Original poster
hormonalandheartbroken · 20/05/2023 22:16

wizzywig · 20/05/2023 22:13

Is there a way that her access to your notes can be restricted?

This is exactly what I am going to ask at my next appointment! I should clarify that my midwife appointments come under a community surgery. She works for the doctors part so although I have to walk past her desk she doesn't actually have anything to do with the appointment itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
hormonalandheartbroken · 20/05/2023 22:17

ittakes2 · 20/05/2023 22:10

I think you should message the practise manager and explain the situation and ask if someone else can check you in for your appointments.

She doesn't actually check me in. I have to walk past her desk to the community midwife but. It's still awkward af though!

OP posts:
Missjkay · 20/05/2023 22:17

I’d be tempted to leave too. I wouldn’t act to hastily though. Take your time. Wait until you have had your baby and your hormones calm down. See how it all pans out. My ex moved on quickly I know it hurts.

Liorae · 20/05/2023 22:19

MMadness · 20/05/2023 20:37

Don't leave.

Your husband is an arse.

Ask her next time you see her at work if she makes it a habit to message all the patient's husbands behind the wives/partners back?

That's really not a good idea.

Hollyppp · 20/05/2023 22:51

I wouldn’t leave personally - so much stress and packing and resettling. Especially when you have a toddler and newborn (I say this as someone who is 7 months pregnant and has a 2.5 yo). I would want to have some stability in my life.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and anyone looking in from outside will likely be on your side and gunning for you.

I would stay put and let them feel awkward not you xx

tatteddear · 21/05/2023 07:58

My exh had an affair with my friend. We lived in a small town, mixed social group, kids at school together and in the same sports teams.
Everywhere I went there either she or they were. I became avoidant about going out at all as I just couldn't face seeing her or them together. (I was more hurt by her actions than him for various reasons). I felt that everyone knew about it and was gossiping about me, and the whole thing was just awful.
I stuck it out for a year or so but then I moved-the two of them weren't going to and had busied themselves telling lots of lies about me to make themselves look better-(which weren't that successful but still out there).
I didn't go far-my kids were still in school there and had to still see their Dad with ease (he had cheated on me not them), just to a village about 15 mins away-but it had it's own services (Dr etc) and I could easily access the town in the other direction for shops and going out etc.
It was the best thing I ever did and the only way I was able to get my mental health back in order and start to heal.
People said at the time 'why should you move when they are in the wrong?' But that doesn't matter to most people a year down the line when they are busy with their own lives. It just seeing mutual friends and acquaintances being normal towards them tbh. Understandable-people just don't care that much if it doesn't directly affect them-but still hard to see. And by their very nature these people-your ex and this woman-have no shame-they are unlikely to find any and do the right thing now. Just the victim-you op here-is left still having to dread going out etc. Far better to have a new start away from the memories and the people that have caused you harm imo.

I'm sorry you have gone through this. But you will come through the other side. You just have to make active choices for yourself now and for what will be best for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Daffodilwoman · 21/05/2023 08:07

I would move.
Don’t expect your ex or the ow to do the decent thing.

endofthelinefinally · 21/05/2023 08:17

Tell your midwife so that she can support you.
Speak to the practice manager and say you want an absolute restriction on your records for the receptionist.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 21/05/2023 08:54

CAn you move? I know what PP are saying, to stand your ground. But ID want to punch her face everytime I see her so Id move for my own sanity. In the meantime do as your midwife is your note access can be restricted. You wouldn't want her to use her charms and position to do something malicious ( not that she would, but she has shown she isnt a good person and no morality, so I would be careful) I am also paranoid so that doesnt help
Sending you hugs OP. Life can be unfair at times but I am sure the universe will send good and better things / people your way. Have faith

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 21/05/2023 08:55

tatteddear · 21/05/2023 07:58

My exh had an affair with my friend. We lived in a small town, mixed social group, kids at school together and in the same sports teams.
Everywhere I went there either she or they were. I became avoidant about going out at all as I just couldn't face seeing her or them together. (I was more hurt by her actions than him for various reasons). I felt that everyone knew about it and was gossiping about me, and the whole thing was just awful.
I stuck it out for a year or so but then I moved-the two of them weren't going to and had busied themselves telling lots of lies about me to make themselves look better-(which weren't that successful but still out there).
I didn't go far-my kids were still in school there and had to still see their Dad with ease (he had cheated on me not them), just to a village about 15 mins away-but it had it's own services (Dr etc) and I could easily access the town in the other direction for shops and going out etc.
It was the best thing I ever did and the only way I was able to get my mental health back in order and start to heal.
People said at the time 'why should you move when they are in the wrong?' But that doesn't matter to most people a year down the line when they are busy with their own lives. It just seeing mutual friends and acquaintances being normal towards them tbh. Understandable-people just don't care that much if it doesn't directly affect them-but still hard to see. And by their very nature these people-your ex and this woman-have no shame-they are unlikely to find any and do the right thing now. Just the victim-you op here-is left still having to dread going out etc. Far better to have a new start away from the memories and the people that have caused you harm imo.

I'm sorry you have gone through this. But you will come through the other side. You just have to make active choices for yourself now and for what will be best for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I agree with you what you have written. Glad you are in a better place now